Am I being unreasonable?
Let me preface this by saying that I took both step kids to EVERY Saturday sporting event last year without incident. I enjoyed this time with them and would do it again in the same situation. I have no regrets or complaints about that.
We are expecting a baby, due the beginning of May. BM wants to sign SS up for baseball. We do t believe SS wants to play baseball, but is only doing so because he has been coerced by BM. DH works EVERY Saturday. So I announced that I would be unable to take skids to baseball alone for six weeks following the birth of our child, whom I will be breastfeeding.
DH announces (dramatically I might add) that he will just have to quit his job then. As if it is my responsibility to chauffeur skids! I said you'll have to do what you have to do then. Not sure how you're going to provide for a new baby with no job.
He later apologized and said he was just mad at her for making everything difficult. To which I told him he should have lipped off to her then. Not me.
But seriously. Is it so much to ask to not have to chauffeur skids ALONE (I didn't say I wouldn't go with him) for six weeks following delivery? Or am I being dramatic? Is this possible? How do people in nuclear families handle situations like this?
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You shouldn't be doing it
You shouldn't be doing it period, let alone with a newborn. Let him drive his own damn kid. Or if he has to work let BM drive him. Either way not your problem.
As usual, sueu2 stole the
As usual, sueu2 stole the answer board.
You do not have to shuttle SS to sports/extracurricular activities. He has 2 parents. If you were not in the picture, who would shuffle to the activity if DH works Saturdays?
Your job is to celebrate the new life within you and celebrate your baby when you meet face-to-face.
BTW: this is NOT a paying job where the 6 week-back-to-work thing applies. Theoretically, it's optional. Besides, would you want to drag a newborn to a snot-dripping party of young boys? Boys are gross. Washing hands is anathema. Nope, not your job and not getting paid enough.
I was thinking the same about
I was thinking the same about the 6 week thing. I guess OP you are just giving yourself a time frame for YOU and BABY time to get used to each other etc and get sorted with the breastfeeding.
That said, you never have to drive his kids anywhere if you don't want to.
YOu can CHOOSE to, but they'd better all damn well realise its a choice, and appreciate it. Or you can choose not to. That is also a legitimate option for YOU. And he and BM will have to suck it up and make their own arrangements. Without giving you any shit for it.
That said (again) In a nuclear family, baby gets dragged all over the shop because life doesn't stop for the rest of the family just because baby has arrived. Maybe for a few weeks things get missed, but then pretty much its back to normal. Mum still has to do school run, kinder, play group, extra currics etc.
But YOU don't have to because NOT YOUR KID
You have no obligation
You have no obligation whatsoever to do it, period! If you want to drive them and actually enjoy it, that's great, but you don't HAVE to. Besides, it's a hobby they'll be missing, not a doc's appointment or such. Hope it all turns out for the best.
Thanks everyone. I said that
Thanks everyone. I said that about nuclear families because in a lot of ways we do operate like a nuclear family. I want what is best for the skids and I try to do what is best for them. They consider me a parent (they don't call me mom, they call me step mom, but if they are talking about DH and I they will say my parents) and when I am not around they wonder where I am. They barge in the door yelling for me and tell me stories. They do not ignore me. For the most part they are extremely respectful and appreciative (they are kids though). SD talks to her baby sister in my belly every day and tells her goodnight every night.
My husband is also extremely supportive and he does do his part. We are a team on parenting and back each other up (although I assume more of a supportive back up role unless he is not around). We make decisions together mostly, but there are some decisions that have to be made with BM as she is their mother, but NORMALLY he does not expect me to sacrifice for those decisions and will do whatever he has to do himself. So, I do believe him when he said he spoke out of anger and wasn't thinking.
This is an ongoing problem every sports season. BM wants to sign the skids up for these sports and the skids don't want to go when it is time to go. And BM is vacationing or working and never available to take them. My husband and I take them mostly during the week and I take them on the weekends. We do not say, well your mom signed you up so you don't have to go on "our time" because we feel the kids need to be made responsible for their choices. Personally, I also feel participating is good for kids, especially during the summer.
So that is my reasoning behind asking how nuclear families do it. This will be my first time having a baby with other kids in the house (I had a daughter, but no other children), so I wondered how other families handle this after a baby is born. We do have family friends with three kids, the youngest is just one, and last year their mother was not at ANY games because she had the little one. The father took over and took the kids to their events. Is this what normally happens? I plan on going, but I am assuming I will not be able to drive for two weeks at least and I don't know about having a two week old out with two other children by myself for six week after birth. Do others do this?
I think I must be in the
If the older ones needed to be somewhere on weekends, between us my ex-husband and I just figured it out depending on sleeps and feeds etc, but I thought nothing of taking her from a nap if we had to be somewhere. Heck - I even travelled interstate with all 4 girls when she was 4 weeks old (ex-MIL was dying, and I wanted the girls to see her before she deteriorated too much) So that involved an overnight ferry trip and a week with all four of them although the older two did stay with the ex-inlaws for most of the week.
You will just need to be clear with your OH what your needs/expectations are in that time. If YOU want 6 weeks of bonding with baby without the distractions etc of sports trips then tell him - I can't do it for those first 6 weeks, but I will be happy to help out again once baby and I have established our routines and she's a bit older. Personally I wouldn't put a time frame because you don't know how its going to be.
You don't have to in a
You don't have to in a car.
You don't have to drive that far.
You don't have to drive to ball.
You don't have to drive at all.
Not in a car. Not that far. Not to b-ball. Not at all.
This is not your problem.
This is not your problem. This is on him to say no to BM.
Also, you are not a nuclear family. None of us are. No matter how much we want to be, we are not. There are BM's out there that control what we do on our time with the kids, with their influence. So many outside influences, we could never act as a nuclear family. Even with my son's father deceased, we will never be one.
You need to give up the Disney dream and realize you have to parent differently because you are not the first family. If you were, the kid wouldn't be in baseball when he didn't want to play. A nuclear family can make those decision without consulting the other Bio.
Give up that fantasy and this may go smoother. Otherwise, you have some hard times ahead of you as the kids get older and BM signs them up for more sports.
" If you were, the kid
" If you were, the kid wouldn't be in baseball when he didn't want to play. A nuclear family can make those decision without consulting the other Bio."
This is exactly what I said to DH when we spoke about this at length last night.
After we talked late last
After we talked late last night this is exactly what is going to happen. BM will be responsible or they won't go if dH continues to have to work.
DH quote late last night, "I guess it's time for her to fall flat on her face and maybe this won't be an issue again."
My skid lives with us; when I
My skid lives with us; when I was expecting they weren't signed up for sports that season since my DH would either have to work or go to school for some of the games. Also, obviously skid would miss right around the birth of the baby, so it was better to take a season off than disappoint their team and have issues with getting them there.
BM is not the custodial
BM is not the custodial parent. If anything, DH is, although on paper they have joint custody. They work together with hopes of being in the best interest of the children. When DH makes decisions without consulting me, he takes on the consequences of those decisions, NORMALLY without complaint. This is just a fight every year. BM wants Skids in sports. DH does not. He says they don't have enough time to play and be kids. (Although I don't see eye to eye with BM, I do agree with her on this one that Skids need to be involved in sports or something and not just sit around playing video games all day). Every year BM wants to sign kids up. Every year DH is mad about it. And it's not like if they're signed up we are not going to go and support them. I guess you could....and some might, but for us we don't see that as an option.
I am disengaged from BM. She is rude to me for no reason. I am not, however, disengaged from my skids as they are delightful, thankful and appreciative. Luckily for them this is not a nuclear family because in a nuclear family there would be no way for SS to play sports this spring as he would not be able to make it to games on Saturdays as DH works every Saturday. I will have just had a baby and in a nuclear family, SS would not be playing sports (because it is not possible partly, but MOSTLY because he does not want to) Lucky for him he has a BM who can take him. I can't, I just had a baby. DH can't. He works. His grandma can't, she works every Saturday. So that leaves his Mom. When she is gone on vacation every weekend, I guess he can take that up with her. That's kind of the agreement DH and I came to.