No. Just no.
I've been here a year and a half and read every day though I don't post much. I'm second guessing something and I guess I need some unbiased feedback.
My SD is moving out of state. She's 19 so she can do what she wants. She treats my DH horribly and it seems that when she looks at him all she sees is a giant ATM. I've kept my mouth shut about it, but I'm done now. She has asked him for $2,000 to help cover her moving expenses. She's moving to a new city and state with no job. She's going with a friend and they will look for jobs and a place to live after they get there. That just seems incredibly irresponsible to me. I'm totally disengaged so again, I've kept my mouth shut about it in general.
I think that if you're going to move without a job, you should save some money to pay for several months of living expenses before you go. Not ask your Dad to finance you. I put my foot down and told my DH no. That if he had that money squirreled away somewhere he should feel free to give it to her but that it will not come out of our joint account. I feel that giving her the money would be just that. Giving her the money. She would never pay it back and it's a questionable parenting move to encourage your child to be irresponsible even if she is an adult.
He says that if she doesn't live near us anymore, we won't be helping her with other things like we do the other kids, so it's a wash. She'll just get all that help at one time. (Am I making sense?)
I really do not want this money taken from our joint account for something so stupid. Am I wrong to say no?
- Polly Esther's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
She will keep calling, and
She will keep calling, and asking daddy for money. If he hands it over to her every time being in another state isn't going to make it better.
And it wouldn't surprise me if she took that 2k and was moved back within the month only to ask daddy for more help to get back on her feet. Don't do it!
Thank you, everyone. I
Thank you, everyone. I guess a part of me almost wants to give her the money. If it meant that she'd go away and stay gone. But I fear that she'll get there, blow through the money and then when she calls and asks for more, my DH will have a case of the guilts because she's in a strange city, etc. When would it end?
To be fair, I do help my kids here and there with a car repair, unexpected expense etc but they are right here on their pay day with money in hand to pay me back. I don't ask my DH and I guess that makes me bad, but they do always pay me back. This girl has never paid back a penny. But my DH works hard and this is his money, too, so do I even have the right to tell him what he can and cannot do with what he earns?
I, too, think that if she wants this badly enough this is a teaching moment for my DH. I told him once and only once that she should get a part time job to save up for this move. He agrees, but she keeps asking and his guilt is starting to show. I think she is more than aware of that and is using it to her advantage. My children are responsible and think their step sister is a moron. They would never be this flighty.
I'm just torn. I don't want to emasculate my husband by telling him what he can or cannot do, but this is just such a stupid move.
I don't consider it telling
I don't consider it telling our H's what to do. This is a joint account and they should run all large financial decisions by us, regardless of where the money is going.
I would skin my H's balls if he gave $2K to his kid. There is no reason in the world she can't earn that money on her own.
Okay so I will play devils
Okay so I will play devils advocate....
When I was in college, I paid for everything myself through my waitress/bartending job. I had ZERO help from my parents and SM.
After I graduated college I stayed in college town, looking for a "real" job. No luck. Then the bar I worked at, decided to close.
I thought, okay I can find another bartending job and keep looking for a "real" job. The city I was in, wasnt a good place for jobs at the time.
So I decided to make a big move to the "big city" where it would be more likely that I would be able to find a job in my profession.
I asked my Dad and SM to borrow $2000. I would move to the new city with no job. However new city was 2 1/2 hours away from college town, so it was kind of difficult to look for a job in new city while still in collge town.
So I moved to new city with the money that my parents loaned me. I was off work for maybe 1 month, still in between places, tying up loose ends, etc.
Every moment I was looking for a job. Updating resume, sending cover letters, interviewing, etc.
Once I realized finding a job is harder then I thought, I took a waitressing job in the mean time to support myself and to start paying my parents back. After maybe another month or so, I found a job in my profession and have been employed in a "professional" job since. That was about 11 years ago.
I paid my parents back and I have never had to ask to borrow money from them again.
For my parents, the decision was mutual to help me out. I had never asked for money from them before and wasnt like the SDs we hear about on here.
I am very grateful for the money that they gave me, because it gave me the opportunity to get out of college town, to big city and allow me to start my life working a good job, etc.
True....
True....
You were a responsible adult
You were a responsible adult who paid for college by herself and took a chance; that's what adults do and I commend you for that. You were also responsible enough to find a waitress job in the meantime and started paying your parents back. That's a whole lot different from being a under-qualified 19 year old with nothing but a head full of illusions of grandeur.
But I fear that she'll get
But I fear that she'll get there, blow through the money and then when she calls and asks for more, my DH will have a case of the guilts because she's in a strange city, etc. When would it end?
This is exactly right. If he keeps giving, she will most certainly keep taking.
there is a difference: your
there is a difference: your kids pay you back, she has NEVER paid back. major point. this would be a gift to sd. a very expensive gift. is he willing to give the rest of the kids this kind of gift? sounds like she's looking for a vacation, especially not having her own money invested. by all means, put your foot down. if he is so desperate for her love he can get a part-time job himself to fund her trip.
He's naive thinking he won't
He's naive thinking he won't be helping her "like the other kids" because she's not nearby. She'll be asking for rent, groceries, transportation, blah blah blah within 6 months of getting there. And so on and so forth. He will end up spending way MORE on her than on the other kids so his rationale does not work.
A more fatherly thing to do would be to help her plan out a realistic way of following her dreams. Helping her design a resume, teaching her to make a list of the jobs she wants to apply to, helping her make a budget of how much she'd have to save from Local Job X for how long before she could make the move on her own steam without a job waiting for her.
Also, tell him if he gives her 2 grand now for this scheme, what's he gonna do when she comes asking him for 10 grand for her wedding? Subtract the 2 grand from that total? Spend 12 grand on each kid's wedding? Tell him he needs to look long term at ALL the kids needs. Tell him figure out now what you both can feel good about for future weddings, school tuition, whatever ways parents want to help young adults. Don't blow it all now on impulse or set up jealousy between his kids because he didn't plan out a fair scheme he could sustain over the long term.
I wouldn't give her the
I wouldn't give her the money. It sounds like she has no plan and that could end up costing you way more down the road..."daddy all my money is gone and they're gonna evict me and I'm starvvvviiiinnngggg" we just had a similar experience with older SS who was living with his girlfriends parents after BM kicked him out for being a selfish lazy ass. He called crying to daddy BC he needed money for college BC he forgot the student aid deadline and still hadn't looked for a job. He said nope - you're an adult go find a job. It's been six months and he won't talk to him but guess what...he got a job, got back in school and is moving home with his mom.
I left home at 18 with
I left home at 18 with nothing and no job in the other state I ended up in. Luckily, it worked out. I'm 32, went to college and have a great career.
However. I didn't ask my parents for anything and to this day, I still dont. I am very uncomfortable taking money from ANYONE.
So yeah, agree... NO. If she wants to leave to be independent then she can start being independent now.