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Do you believe you can "love skid as your own,without parenting them like your own"?

onstrike's picture

Submitted by onstrike on Wed, 12/31/2014 - 11:33am

Dh biggest beef with me is that I don't "love sd8 like my own bs10". I don't think it is that rare. It's biological and the bond that bs10 and I have is over a decade!
I know that bm is pretty crappy and doesn't mother sd8,the way I do my son. I know dh sees the difference and he feels that sd8 gets the shaft from bm. I agree with dh and I feel bad for sd8 at times.
That said,
however,Dh doesn't like it when I hold sd8 accountable ,and defends sd8 when she breaks rules,but wants me to be lovey dovey with sd8.
Do you think it is possible to love skids as your own,without being able to parent them or hold them accountable as your own? I don't......

Comments

Tiffanyartist11's picture

Submitted by Tiffanyartist11 on Wed, 12/31/2014 - 11:42am

I don't think it is ever possible to love your steps as your own when you have your own biological children. I just had my first child 3 months ago and realize now (unfortunately) I love him in a much different way than I do them...
I really don't share this with my husband as I'm sure he would have the same reaction as yours...they don't get it.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 12/31/2014 - 11:49am

I agree with you because when you love a child as your own, you want them to be the best that they can be. So, of course, you would want to hold them accountable and discipline them when needed; it is to their benefit in the long run.

Glassslipper's picture

Submitted by Glassslipper on Wed, 12/31/2014 - 11:55am

I love my skids, but not like I love my own...I love my nephews, but not like I love my own, I love my friends kids but not as I love my own...I love my parents but not the same way I love my husband.
You can love anyone but in different ways.
If it were the end of the world and their was only one bottle of water left, would you give it to your kid or your skid...
It's human nature to care for your own, for a new spouse to expect anyone to go against human nature is just not practical.

Mercury's picture

Submitted by Mercury on Wed, 12/31/2014 - 1:18pm

I don't love my husband's kids.

That's normal and nothing to ever feel guilty about. I don't even feel guilty for not liking them. They aren't mine, they don't share my core values, and they aren't the kind of people I could ever relate to. I would never give them a second thought if I was acquainted with them in any other way than through my husband.

Pets rank miles ahead of skids in my house. They are actual residents in my home, not visitors. They are dependent on me for everything and they give a whole lot more back in return.

rainbow bright83's picture

Submitted by rainbow bright83 on Wed, 12/31/2014 - 1:26pm

I can relate with this! I do not like my skids. That being said, I LOVE my husband (even if he becomes brain dead when it comes to his kids) I have never said "I love you" to them. I LOVE my pets, I tell them all the time. My pets dont steal from me, lie to me, cause conflict within my marriage. My pets do not cause me stress and anxiety when they are around me. So, no your comment does not sound terrible. It really makes a lot of sense.

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Wed, 12/31/2014 - 12:49pm

It is not up to you to make up for the fact that he chose to procreate with a person who turned out to be a shitty mother. Not fair for you to get punished because you did not birth the child.

Stepintime0111's picture

Submitted by Stepintime0111 on Wed, 12/31/2014 - 1:12pm

I am allowed to parent and discipline the skids, but I still don't love them like I love my own 2 kids. I care for them and want the best for them and I do love them, but the protectiveness and affection and love doesn't match what I feel for my bios.

Flying.Purple.Step.Monster's picture

Submitted by Flying.Purple.S... on Wed, 12/31/2014 - 1:41pm

It wasn't until I had my own son almost 4 years ago that I understood what it was to love a child. There is no way I could ever love another person the way I love my son. Even DH... I love DH but would I sacrifice myself to save him.. no I wouldn't.. but I would absolutely sacrifice myself to save my son.

The book Stepmonster goes into this in HUGE detail... pretty specific biological examples of this bond between a mother and child.

I like the skids (most of the time) but I don't love them. And that's ok! (Even if people keep insisting on saying that I should love them as my own.. what do they know?)

msg1986's picture

Submitted by msg1986 on Wed, 12/31/2014 - 2:28pm

I've pondered this thought so many times since giving birth to Dd a year ago. I care about my Ss however I've noticed whenever Bm acts up I find myself feeling slightly resentful of SS and I will find myself getting easily annoyed at the things Ss does. I think if maybe you're in a situation where the Bm is pleasant and everyone gets along, that it's possible. I say that because there isn't any negativity that surrounds that child. However in most of our situations, the Bm is very high conflict and so it makes it hard to love the child as your own.