Please NO biase answers. I'm looking for really advice
Ok so I get out of AD AF in 2001. I marry ex-h a couple of months later. He gets moved to NM. We are there for 6 yrs. in that time period I start college (I was just shy of 22 when I got out of the military. I took care of his OD. I was the one having to shape my life around his career. I'm career got put on the back burner. He leaves for SKorea for a year , I move kids to follow on station. Once here our marriage didn't last. I had been staying with an abusive husband "for the kids" kids got older and I saw what it was doing to them. I was gone.
Divorce time, I do get alimony to get back on my feet as my schooling and life was based around his career and his kid and our kids. I have lost jobs because I had to deal with sick kids. Even with him being back office, he would never call his superviser to even see if he could stay with the kids. He just wasn't involved with the kids. Sooo court time. Judge advice was for both of us to seek legal counsel in regards to his retirement. Courts retains judgement over his retirement.
Now. Ex-H has retired from the military. He is not paying all his CS. Never has paid the full amount. AF wasn't any help. In the 4 years since the order was made, he has paid the full amount once. CS division is involved. They do garnish but somehow he tricked the system with his own deductions and they said garnishment limit has been met. So, I am starting my new job/career in a couple of months. At that point I will be making almost triple what ex makes. I don't need half of his retirement. I'm entitled to it but don't need it. Honestly, don't want it. BUT I kinda want to issue the final fuck you. Money is the only thing that pissed ex off. I would put the money aside for the kids. They would have a college fund. And through getting his retirement he would actually have to pay. But I also think about the fact that with me taking half his retirement they still use that amount to calculate CS. It's still considered his income and he would be screwed for life. On the flip side, my life, my career all had to be put on hold for his. I was the one taking care of his kid and ours.
And round and round I go. I know what I can do, there is a part of me that wants to ... And a part of me that's better then that. I would just like some personal advice. Please remember I am NoT your BM and this is not your DH. Really advice. Not attacks. Please
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I went to a counselor because
I went to a counselor because I was wondering if what I felt was what your saying. I was told by this counselor, my feelings having nothing to do with the marriage and everything to do with the NOW. In the now, he has never been there for the kids, takes no responsibility for his actions, has cost me soo much because of his lack of paying CS, had my car reported during the divorce since it was in both our names and he pulled his name of the loan even though you aren't suppose to from day your served divorce paperwork until final so I had a hell of a time getting a new car. He tells our children I'm a whore, derates our DD for her speech issues, her body and her grades (learning disabled has an IEP) makes fun of our BS for his OCD and Aspergers ticks. Put him down, calls him a mamas boy because he love me and enjoys school. My list goes on
Even the therapist said it's very easy to convince yourself or others to think this is about the divorce (I left him) but counselor reminded me I came to see him when I left. This isn't about the divorce, this is about the now. About what he is doing today.
Sorry, to address your
Sorry, to address your comment about all my sacrifices during the marriage... Not mad at him, mad at myself. I gave up sooo much for an asshole bi-polar NPD and am just getting my life back on track at 34. It pisses me OFF!!!! But at myself.
Thing is I've been putting
Thing is I've been putting off making a decision for 3 yrs. now my attorney is going after custody and back support. We tore apart the divorce decree to make sure all ends gets tied up. This next court trail will be about tightening the loops and making sure all lose ends are dealt with all wiggle room removed all bad behavior addressed. So yes, now once again I'm going back and forth on what to do about the retirement.
THIS THIS THIS
THIS THIS THIS
Tommar even though you piss
Tommar even though you piss me off A LOT, I do respect you because I know your just telling it how you see it. I wish we had the time And I could run the whole situation with SGD by you for some real advice. I started personal counseling because no matter how much I disagree with you, I need to let go for my own self. It's FUCKING hard when you see your DH get dressed up like he is going on a date to take SGD to lunch. When he wakes me up at 330am to talk about her.... It makes it DAMN impossible to let this shit go when he won't. I had my counselor tell me on Friday that DH needs to be straight forward honest with me and guidelines need to be in place.
BUT anyway about This issue...... Thank you. I just feel like I'm being "one of those" ex-wives. I have gone above and beyond to not be that. And your right, this isn't about him, but about what I am entitled to and what I can do for my kids.
Thank you. I know my own
Thank you. I know my own childhood fucks with me on this. Mom always told us she didn't know where dad was, he didn't care, didn't pay CS. I found him at 16. Mom had him stay the night in her room and they got remarried. I was blown away!!! He is sooo horrible but....?!?!?! Then he died 6 yrs ago. I was responsible for final everything. I was cleaning out his house and found the letters back and forth from them. The CS receipts, the court files while he fought to see us. I threw it in moms face and she LIED. I don't know what these are. Ummm look they are in your hand writing and dad was smart enough to keep the envelopes. I can trace postmarks through my entire childhood.
It has ALWAYS tainted what I do with Bf and kids. I finally got to the place of a relationship is not enough ... It needs to be healthy for bios. I am NOT my mother. It taints everything, and I doubt every move I make. On top of that BF kept me under his thumb for sooo freaking long. I'm really just coming out.
Right as far as what your
Right as far as what your hubby does with his DD... I doubt she has dislocated your jaw, left you limping, had your kids screaming at her to leave their mom ALOnE. Cost you $100's in vet bills because she went after your animals... It's been too freaking MUCH and it feels like DH can just let all that go, dress up for her, when I get t-shirt and jeans, and act like it never happened!!!!!
That is honestly why I went back to counseling. Can I let this go and be alright with DH having a relationship with her??? Or do I need to go?
There is an exit plan in
There is an exit plan in place. ....... Have to wait to make sure bios and I are ok. After my job starts there will be a re-eval with DH and counselor. We will go from there. Exit plan takes 1 year... Need court to be done, academy done and kids in a good place. After that if NOtHINg changes with this I'm gone and DH can have his weird relationship with OSD and SGd. Sad thing.... We were about to split about 3 months ago... His DD wants to find a place with me. All this crap with SD and SGD has cost him even his own DD.
You're etitled to the money.
You're etitled to the money. Go after it and put it in college funds for your kids.
Everything else aside, you
Everything else aside, you are entitled to that money and you should take it and be done with it. Don't think of it as revenge, though, or a final "fuck you", it's just what is.
It doesn't make you a bad person so I don't get the "better than that" remark. You are not stealing from him. But, you can be a better person than to make it about revenge, which is why I said don't think of it that way.
I figured that part would
I figured that part would floor you. Yeh, he was at Beale. They protected his ass like I have never seen. Violation of the RO??! Sorry, civil. Not paying his CS, civil matter can't help you. Harrassment, sorry civil. He threatened you??? Sorry civil.
Back when I was AD they had a shit fit if you didn't pay your bills. But instead all they did was cover his ass.
You helped earn that
You helped earn that retirement when you were the sole parent raising the kids and he got to focus on his job.
Take the retirement. They make it part of the wife's ownership for a reason.
If you don't need it then your kids have a wonderful gift of a college fund.
Don't get emotions mixes in this. This is a business transaction.
Thank you!!!!! That was
Thank you!!!!! That was exactly what I needed. Your right. It is my entitlement (HATE that word) and it is a business transaction. It's not about him, it's not taking FROM him. It's mine already, I just need to claim it.
Why??? Because damn it, IM
Why??? Because damn it, IM BETTER then HIM!!!!! That is what got me through the divorce. The phrase the counselor told me to repeat. But as of Friday I was given a new statement. This isn't about him, it's about me claiming what's mine.
I just wanted to get outside opinions.
Yeh. Unfortunately it has
Yeh. Unfortunately it has been made clear to me by counseling I choose ex-H because it is what I feel comfortable with. My mom is bi-polar, NPD, boarder line, split personally tendacies. Childhood was hell and all about don't make her mad. My counselor was honestly surprised I finally left exDH. He said people who repeat their childhood patterns normally keep them and don't change. But I am. I refuse to let me kids lives be what mine had been. I start the PD academy in Feb with a freaking awesome department. Highest paid in country. I DID that on my OWN.
Yes, ever choice I make in regards to ex-h I worry about puss if him off, because I no longer pay for it. DD and BS do. I walk on egg shells to make sure they have the least amount of trama possible. It's exsauting Soooo I will be relieved once court is done and I have this crap locked up. I didn't know to tie all loose ends when I was their the first time, but Damn have I paid for that and so have my kids
Your new phrase....This is
Your new phrase....This is not about emotions, its a business transaction.