Guilt Over Disengagement
I've been feeling like the biggest ass in the world lately, since disengaging from SS15. (I know, I know...). I actually broke down in therapy last night because it makes me feel like such a crappy person. I'm a former therapist, still a social worker who deals with very troubled people on a daily basis. I should know how to do this, right?
I had to be reminded by my therapist that I'm not dealing with one of my clients. They're with me because they want to work on their issues. SS does not. SS does not want to admit that his mother is mentally ill. SS is perfectly fine treating me like shit to appease BM. I can't work with that. And in order to self-preserve, at this stage, disengagement is the only way to go. That could change. SS15 could wake up and decide to make changes. If so, great. If not, I can't make myself a target in the meantime. My therapist went throught the exact same thing with her younger SD, who also had a Borderline BM. She has no contact with her SD to this day. It's sad, but it's the SD's choice. She's an adult.
I also have been feeling bad because DH treats my own son so much differently than I treat his. He had to remind me of a few things, that I need to keep in mind:
BS18 is not being poisoned against DH by a mentally ill parent.
BS treats DH respectfully and they have a really great relationship.
BS would never even dream of acting the way SS does (sneaky, dishonest, thieving, passive-aggressive, and manipulative).
I guess it's hard to see the facts of the situation when your emotions are all over the place.
Two and a half years. I can make it two and a half more years. If SS decides to get his shit together before then, great. If not, I need to remember that sometimes, when we've been wounded to the core by someone we tried our hardest to get close to, disengagement is the only thing we have left to do.
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I like your mantra, tog. Hope
I like your mantra, tog. Hope you don't mind if I steal that. I need to repeat that to myself often.
Yeah, that's my issue too, I
Yeah, that's my issue too, I think. I help people fix their lives for a living. It's hard seeing someone every day who just isn't even in the realm of fixing yet.
Thanks, Step.
Thanks, Step.
I understand the guilt over
I understand the guilt over treatment of your bio by your Dh.
My DSO and DS got off to a bad start. Since then, my DS apologized and he and DSO have become friends. They help each other when needed and can sit around have a few beers and get along (DS is 30). I hate SS' and want nothing to do with SS21. DSO doesn't have much to do with SS21 either. Doesn't call him to help with stuff like firewood etc...and if SS calls, DSO is kind of gruff with him.
I feel guilt too about that.
That IS good food for
That IS good food for thought. I don't know why I feel so guilty. My head knows disengaging is all that's left. Guess my heart hasn't caught on yet. Maybe I feel guilty for feeling absolutely nothing for this kid that my husband doesn't particularly like, but loves. I don't know. Maybe it's partly both.
And yes, if I had a client who absolutely would not work with me, I'd discharge him or transfer him to someone else. Thank you for that analogy! I need to keep that in mind. It's so hard to be objective and rational with your own shit!
That's exactly it. I'm so
That's exactly it. I'm so sick and tired of this kid (and his mother by proxy) continuing to hurt DH. But I can't stop it. I hate being powerless. I'm a take-charge kind of person, and I hate being able to do nothing.
You cannot fall into the trap
You cannot fall into the trap of comparing your ss with your bs....they are two to ally different relationships....You have to remove the titles step this ex that bio whatever half this...and weigh each relationship based on who they are and who you are and what you both choose to put into it...period...
The drama ss causes is not a healthy relationship...He is trapped in the "loyalty" game with his bm...he cannot see that relationship for what it is right now...because he is still in it....to look at that relationship and assess his mother's mental health...he has to have an objective perspective...and many of us do not get that until we are well into adulthood...
It sucks..i know...they cannot see what you can....You love them and want to scream with every cell of your being to help them, but, they are trained to not listen to you....by their bm's, by society, by the very definition of the term "Step" and what that entails to them...
We are all deceived by the very definitions we choose to give words...like "Step" for example...the stigma attached to that term means...second best, not good, evil, wicked, (thank you Walt Disney)..How many of us grew up on "Cinderella" and "Snow White" speaking those definitions and assumptions about "The wicked Stepmother"...most of us have been conditioned to "drink the kook-aide' After all exes and steps are not supposed to get along...
Why don't people view step moms as a blessing in a child's life...An extra person who speaks life into a child's broken world that can really help that child recover from a failed marriage.....Thankful, a blessing, an extra ear that listens to me, someone who cares about me, seems to elude the potential definition of what a step parent can offer, not just the child, but the parents as well....instead of looking at me like I was competition I wish the bm would have recognized how willing I was to help her with her hurting children before it was too late....
The only way many of us can help, is indirectly helping dh confront his task as their parent. I realized, after disengaging (my s kids are all over 40 now)...I have stopped giving dh advice...and He seems like a deer in headlights....They don't really know him,,,all these years they have been benefitting from my help...through Him...and now due to circumstances greatly changing since bm died 2 years ago...they have rejected me totally...(loyalty to mom even through she is no longer with us) is worse than when she was alive...(and she hated me)..that too is an understatement....
With that being said they have told me that their family is "none of my business" (after 26 years of investment)...so, I just agreed with them...and now they are seeing their father for who he really is...it just keeps getting worse and worse...And I have moved on to other relationships that are healthy...
i feel bad for them, but I realize I cannot fix this...DH cannot fix this...they are adults and need to individualize...They cling on to the past because it is the only way they know...They are struggling with embracing change and do not want to be part of a hopeful future with our family...choices...I can respect that...but now they are realizing, that without the advice dh would ask from me...He is not a mother and never will be..so there is a complete void of that type of influence in their lives right now....
It is FALSE guilt you are feeling right now that comes from a FALSE expectation you have toward your ss, or perhaps of yourself, or maybe of what your dh expects...Once you are able to assess the false expectation...you will be able to deal with the false disappointment...which will then cure your false guilt issues...We all go through it...
We watch our dh's struggle with a tug of war between a failed past and a future filed with hope and potential...how he thinks in one culture is totally opposite of how he has to think in another...He has to be strong in helping his kid understand that you guys are moving forward...The step kids cling to the past because it is what bonds them...even if it is toxic...it is all they know...
Disengage...be the example of a bright and happy future...re-focus your energy on things that will move you forward...healthy relationships, self respect. building up your dh, helping him move forward, and having a great culture in your home...your refuge...your place of peace, a place where you can go to shut out the rest of the world and it's drama..We need to be the protectors of that culture and anyone who tries to invade our families or contaminate our way of living with toxic issues needs have clear cut boundaries, and are not allowed into that level of intimacy to engage with our families...We decide..We choose how exclusive we want to be as a couple...If we do not take the steps to protect it...Who will?
Thanks for taking the time to
Thanks for taking the time to respond! False guilt...I need to think about that. I think you're onto something there. I'll need to examine that and what's behind it.
I like your last paragraph, and you're right: I need to protect the life and home and marriage DH and I are trying to build. No one else will. We need to figure out how to keep the toxic presence of SS (and his mother, via SS's behavior) from infecting our new life. I swear, it's been nothing but nonstop drama since we decided to get married and BM started her PAS crap.