For those with 50/50 arrangements, or thereabouts
Apologies if this topic has been done to death.
I've been reading up on research relating to the success or otherwise of shared care, and the impact of kids having to move houses every few days.
Ok – hands up, it’s true that I'd rather see less of DH's kids personally, but that aside - it still feels like a very raw deal for them. I had to do this as an adult at one point, shifting between two locations because of work arrangements and I found it mentally stressful and physically exhausting – like I was homeless for a while.
Some quotes from some research I've seen...
"Having children routinely shift as a temporary resident between two households that have other permanent members who "really" live there full time presents a destructive outlook for a child, damaging of identity and self-esteem."
...It "not only renders their child a continuous visitor shifting between two households, but also that the child then does not even have a home to which to return."
"The children in this study whose lives were governed by court orders or mediated parental arrangements all told me that they felt like second-class citizens who had lost the freedoms their peers took for granted. They say that as they grew older and craved independence, they had even less say, less control over their schedules and less power to determine when and where they could spend their time -- especially precious vacation time."
Does anyone else share these concern, or am I reading too much into this? (I've always been a real homebird, so the thought of doing this long term would be something I'd really not enjoy).
Grateful for your thoughts, and have a great day.
- MaryKate's blog
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Comments
I have a 49/51 split. I spoke
I have a 49/51 split. I spoke to my kids to see if they thought it was too much. BS13 and BD9 having been doing this for 4 years. My kids said, they had two homes, mine and dad's. Also my kids stated they didn't want to have to be at one place more than the other because it was almost like when we were married.
I guess that needs explaining. My xh never did stuff with me as a family. He'd spend time with the kids independent of me, and I pretty much did the majority of things with my kids. That hasnt changed even though XH thought it would when he won majority custody.
My kids have stuff at both of our houses. I think EOWE kids are the ones who feel like visitors if you ask me. My opinion of course.
I think 50/50 can work out
I think 50/50 can work out well, depending on the kid and the parents. It seems like it would be easier on every one to switch custody weekly or every two weeks instead of every few days.
I wish DH had 50/50 (he is custodial of skid2), but it would probably suck for skid since BM is the worst.
I think it's the every few
I think it's the every few days that really makes this crazy. My SD8 does 2-2-3, or the juggle schedule. I've given a lot of thought to it. Week on/week would, I think, be better in my case. Her parents have their heads so far up their butts about missing her that they won't even consider it.
I didn't see your comment
I didn't see your comment before I replied but it sounds like we're on the same page about how the schedule is set.
It's annoying for everyone.
It's annoying for everyone. Now BM is saying she doesn't like it and wants to go full-time with EOWE and a dinner. (Child support move!) I am waiting for FDH to bring it up to me so I can suggest we do that but alternate who's getting the dinner/weekend. It would be stupid to reduce custody after all the money he's spent, only to increase child support.
Does the research account for
Does the research account for how the 50/50 time is split? I would think (just based on my own experiences growing up as a "child of divorce") that having a week on/week off schedule is less chaotic/stressful, and "destructive" than doing a 2/2/3 schedule. There's less switching going on.
Yeah, I was wondering how
Yeah, I was wondering how this study was conducted as well. It seems a little disingenuous to say "50/50 split is destructive" based solely on self-reported "how do you feel about this" questionnaires the kids fill out. What's the academic outcome for those kids versus kids who do EOWE? Or from intact families? What's the eventual divorce rate for those 3 groups? Median income? Education level completed?
I haven't actually seen a study that looks at long-term outcomes for different custodial situations (including a "control group") which would actually give relevant information.
My kid loves 50/50, and it's
My kid loves 50/50, and it's been that way since he was 2. He calls the places "Mommy's House and Daddy's House", but tells friends that he has TWO houses. He has everything he needs in both houses and only carries his tablet between the two.
We all like the schedule, but we tell the kid that we are open to talking about change when he's ready. I hope he's never ready!
The schedule works. I get every Monday, Thursday and Friday night off as well as every Saturday day off which allows me to work, schedule client meetings, run errands, or be with SO. Then when I'm in Mom-mode, I am refreshed and focused on that! Dad feels the same way.
So here's our schedule...parents only see each other once a week.
Monday - Mom drops kid at school, Dad picks up
Tuesday - Dad drops kid at school, Mom picks up
Wednesday - Mom drops kid at school, Mom picks up
Thursday - Mom drops kid at school, Dad picks up
Friday - Dad drops kid at school, Dad picks up
Saturday - Dad keeps kid until Mom picks up at Dad's and Mom keeps kid through Monday morning.