There are all kinds of theories that underly a therapy plan. Ask the therapist for his/her theoretical approach. Then look up what he/she says online.

From my own experience, talk therapy (just talking) has not been particularly practical. It was an effective way for me to understand specific events in context and also how I developed empathy and compassion. Which were useful, but not practical.

Now I am dealing with some stuff with a therapist using ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy). This is VERY practical. But ofc requires much more commitment from me.

I wonder if the therapist is keeping it 'fun' for SD just to get her to show up consistently? Obviously what a teen is able to process is way different from an adult in a marriage, so I can see how the approach would be different. But I think your question is totally reasonable.

Here's a link to a site I found listing all kinds of types of therapy:

http://www.goodtherapy.org/types-of-therapy.html

ChiefgrownUp, there seem to be several issues going on with your SD, some for the therapist to handle, some for others to address. The therapist could do CBT to address her social anxiety, but certainly it is not up to her to help with academics. Has your SD had a psycho-educational/neuro-psychological evaluation? Who gave her the anxiety diagnosis? I would get a full assessment done at a reputable child development center, then follow multiple recommendations that are going to be made, in various settings.

She may well have learning issues that interfere with academic success, on top of her emotional / behavioral issues. Or her emotional dysregulation is such that is interferes with learning. Is she at a regular high school? Is she getting support there? She may need small classes, teachers trained in working with kids with her kind of symptoms, modified curriculum - and group therapy, not only individual, to address peer relationships.

I deal with kids like her where i work, and i can give you more specific ideas - feel free to PM me. It is not easy, and therapy alone may not be the answer. But she has a supportive family ( incl. you) so she will hopefully emerge in a better shape on the other side of her teenage years.

Wow, Chief. This girl sounds like quite a character. And she is only 15 so things could keep getting weirder.

I don't know how to pick out a good counselor. I have had a handful of bad counselors and I can only think of 1 good one. Maybe it is more a matter of suitable personalities and counseling styles versus "bad counselors. Maybe I am just being critical but I have walked away from most counseling sessions feeling unsettled and uncomfortable. By the way, I have been told by a counselor that journaling is just as therapeutic as counseling and have found this to be true.

It doesn't sound like the counselor you're with is meeting the needs of SD and the rest of the bullied family. I think pushing for more qualified help is worth the effort. It might be a hassle now but worth the trouble in the end.

There's a lot of possibilities going on here. I am a child therapist and a SM to SD26, SS26 (twins) and SS14 so this is my perspective from that pov.

At that age your SD has a right to more privacy in counseling than a younger child. In order to build rapport a counselor working with a child that age must protect her confidentiality differently than a younger child. Unless the child is in danger in some way you may have to trust the therapist to a certain extent because if she betrays SD's confidence at that age it will impede the progress of therapy, not help it.

However, I see family issues at play here. Do not forget that the way your DH and BM have parented her up till now is a pattern they are comfortable with and that has shaped her, likely not for the better. Guilt is a terrible starting point for parenting and divorced dads often know nothing else, especially when they are now part time dads who feel horrible for screwing up their kids by not being with BM, even if it was Not their fault or desire.

Your dh could use his own counseling with a different counselor to learn parenting strategies and how not to parent by guilt, what are the right lines to set and boundaries not to give in about etc.

For my DH he thought I was being mean to my SS14 a while back when I - for instance - refused to tell the lady behind the counter what type of donuts he wanted. Yes, he has some anxiety and shyness but if he doesn't want the donuts badly enough to say "2 glazed please" to a shop worker (after saying it to us in her earshot) then he must not be very hungry. I told S14 he was welcome to order for himself and we would pay for it and he turned to daddy and played the " I'm not that hungry anyway" card so my DH felt guilty and did it for him.

Then the child refused to sit in the shop and my DH agreed to go home and eat, despite the fact that I was already comfortably eating my croissant at a table. Needless to say we did not leave until I was ready, although SS14 pouted in the car while DH and I enjoyed our bagels and croissant until we were good and ready to go home. DH in the past has parented by guilt and his son had his number, but not mine. I don't publish my number, for that reason. SS14 also seemed to equate his Dad's love with how much of that stuff he would do for him. Which isn't a healthy way for a kid to learn to measure love.

My DH Went into his own counseling after watching me handle his son and finding that his son rises to meet my expectations if DH doesn't get in the way. For as long as SS14 believed he had all the power, Ss14 behaved like an anxious helpless brat who would rather DH and BM did everything for him. As if he wasn't capable when he's brilliant, has no disabilities besides guilt ridden parents who divorced when he was 2. By babying him they were agreeing with him that he wasn't capable. Sometimes that made them both feel like they were helping him and were therefore good parents, even when he didn't need that help.

Family dynamics like that are hard to break without counseling from an outside person who is not emotionally invested in the child, the marriage or the guilt of the divorce to confront situations that may be minefields for those of us closer to it. Your DH could use some counseling. If he changes the way he relates to SD15 she will have no choice but to change in response. He's the parent. Yes, she needs to work on her social anxiety and anger outbursts with her counselor but some of these behaviors are parent driven. He's the parent, he needs to act like it.

With my DH AND SS14 for the first year or so I looked on, horrified and flat refused to baby him. And even got to where if I needed something at the hardware store I would push SS14 to go get the clerk and find out what aisle it was on. SS14 hated it at first but I didn't take the bait and just thanked him for his help. Over time he has seen himself as way more capable than his parents do, partly because I push him.

Recently he has started saying to me "SM, my BD doesn't think I can do it by myself", lamenting that he interprets that Dad thinks he's not smart enough to do it by himself. He recently told DH that himself, who was shocked. I didn't say I told you so, just stood up for DH and told S14 that DH does, but sometimes it's hard for him to let you grow up. And told my DH to let him have a go at it, no matter the outcome.

That was a parenting problem. Kids will take as much as DH and BM will allow. But it's not good for any of them to have that much power and it usually involves a parent's guilt and poor choices more than a child's inherent sociopathy, anxiety or awfulness. Kids will get away with as much as they are allowed to.

Put DH in counseling. You explain the dynamic to the counselor with him so he doesn't minimize or get off track. Then let the counselor and him establish a rapport and dive into it. You check in once every couple of months and praise the small changes he is making in how he handles her. Small, as in, he didn't take the bait one day out of five when she was trying to get into a fight with him. See the tiny progress. Say it out loud, tell him you saw it and let him feel like he did it on his own. He needs parenting skills to change this. Any issues she may have - aspie, anxiety, social awkwardness, mood disorder etc can all be helped by him being a stronger parent.

SS26 (my late husband's son) has Aspergers. It's a unique issue but strong, consistent parenting is essential there too if that's what she has. Best of luck to you.