New Here, Need some advice, not sure if i am doing this correctly
So please bear with me. I will try and keep this short and simple...I found this site while searching for some answers on how to deal with my husband and his kids. I am at my wits end...In light of not sounding so harsh; I hate my step kids with a passion.
I am a 40 year old Bio mom of a 10 year old boy from a previous marriage. I have been married to my husband now for 5 years. He has 3 Girls, all who live with their bio mom, and would come back and forth for visitation with their dad and I.
We were introduced years ago, and I have yet to get along with my Husbands 3 girls. At first they seem very kind, and even at one point very loving.
But I have noticed over the last few months there has been quite a turn around.
When I met my hubby, he was in the middle of his divorce. He had it really rough during the divorce, and still has so many problems with his ex. I can't stand the women. She has some mental illnesses, and cannot come to terms with life , and feels my husband, even after all these years should pay for her mistakes, and make him miserable, and of course USE the children against him any way she can.
Over the last few months there has been constant turmoil between my Husband and his ex. It’s almost as if she lives in our house with us. He tired to set boundaries with this nut -job, but she still goes after him for anything and anything.
SO the newest thing over the last few weeks since school has been out his kids want to come over all the time.
Sure of course they want to come here, we have a beautiful home with a large pool, and they know just what to say and do to abuse my husband and make him feel guilty.
What started off with his 3 children not speaking to him for months at a clip due to the lies the ex would say about my husband, all of a sudden has turned into wanting to be by daddy's all the time. Well I took it in stride at first, but now I am fit to be tied. Our household was running beautifully with just the 3 of us, and of course the occasional visit from them. Now don’t take me wrong, I am not heartless, but these kids put my hubby threw the ringer for years. And now all of a sudden because mom of the year (their bio mom) doesn’t want to be bothered with any of her daughters (sad to say) she has now tried to turn these lies she made about my hubby into a game these kids play with him.
I guess these 3 kids have learned that if they guilt their father enough he will buy them things, and do things that he would not normally do, such as spend excessively on them when he already gave this women the house, the cars, the dog, and a ton of Child support and maintance.
Now if these kids were not such ingrate I would be okay with him going over the top on special occasions, but this is out of control.
The kids have been staying with us, and constantly fight with my son, who really is just such a mellow child who does his own thing, he just likes to include them because he has very good manners.
These girls not only soil our home,, but the youngest has been peeing in her bed,not telling anyone, & leaving it to be cleanup up by me(because my hubby doesn’t-another topic of discussion) They eat us out of house and home daily. I am constantly running to store for them.They are never happy unless daddy is up their ass, or rather they are up my husbands ass. They lie to their father about me & my son and my company anytime they stop by(i am speaking of my family), they are tyrants, and now I found 2 diamond rings missing, and my sons piggy bank jar empty over the past weekend. Things have been going missing for a few months now, but it never dawned on me until now.
When I spoke to my hubby about this, he swore it was not his girls. Is he retarted? They have him so brain-washed. This is only the tip of the ice berg. Now his kids left to go back with Bio-mom for the week, because of course she promised them a million and one things, which never pans out & we were not expecting, but thank god. Now the 2 of the 3 daughters are not speaking to my husband again, and the oldest daughter tells her dad it’s because the kids hate us, and hates my son??? I just don’t get it. When the hell did this happen? I am so frustrated, and again there is more to this story, many more events that have taken place that are just foul, but I don’t understand why he needs to lick their wounds. I don’t have any of these dramatics with my ex(my Bio sons father, nor did we ever play my son one against the other)How do I get my husband to see how terrible his kids are, because 99% of it happens when he is at work, and they say I am the liar.
Please help.
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How old are these girls?
How old are these girls?
the girls are 10, 15 & 16.
the girls are 10, 15 & 16.
From what I have been reading
From what I have been reading here in this short time on this site, I see you are very much correct aswang...I fear for my marriage. I cant deal with this crap.
Thank you notasm, I will have
Thank you notasm, I will have to try that tactic.. I just fear it will put a wedge between hubby and I . But you are correct. They are old enough. My son cleans his mess, and picks up after himself, the same rules should apply. And my son does not eat us out of house and home in a day. Its like there are no limits, no boundaries for these kids.I feel like they do this for attention from their father.
1: "the youngest has been
1: "the youngest has been peeing in her bed,not telling anyone, & leaving it to be cleanup up by me(because my hubby doesn’t-another topic of discussion" His problem not yours stop doing it. DH does it or a 10 year old is old enough to do it or lay in her mess. my 5 year old has accidents sometimes, guess what he cleans it, i give him new sheets to make his bed ( sometimes have to help with fitted sheet) but he takes dirty once down to laundry.
"the oldest daughter tells her dad it’s because the kids hate us, and hates my son???" Then they dont need to be there when daddy is not home and he needs to deal with them.
3: "They eat us out of house and home daily. I am constantly running to store for them."
That should be a Daddy thing too. stop running to store for you if they "hate" you.
4: "I found 2 diamond rings missing, and my sons piggy bank jar empty over the past weekend. Things have been going missing for a few months now, but it never dawned on me until now."
Cameras or set them up to get caught "Red Handed" SD kept dipping into DS bank. I put red ink (the kind that doesnt wash off very eaisly) on fake money i put in bank.
it sounds like your husband is going to have to step up and fix the problem. dont make things easy for him and he will eventually see things once he is the one having to deal with it.
thank you
thank you somedevilsihbeauty...I love everything you said.
I will have to catch these twirps red handed, sad thing is i dont even want them here at all to even be able to catch them.
You are correct, my husband does need to step up to the plate and take some responsibility for all this too. He too can go and get these brats food when they eat us out of house and home. In my mind I just rather them starve, Not like there is not food in the house. Its just healthy food that they REFUSE to eat.
And the next time she pees in the bed , your right, she should lie in it....Its not my kids so i guess its not my problem. I just dont want them breaking up our happy home.
well sueu2, I have thought
well sueu2, I have thought about what you said and this is what I have come up with. If it was my Bio son eating us out house and home, I would run to the store and fix that problem.
If it was my son peeing in the bed, he would be cleaning it. If it was my son stealing jewelry, I 'd beat him(not literally)...I would never allow my child to act in the manner my step kids act, not with anyone, under any circumstance.
And if my husband came to me with my complaints i come to him with, I would be damn sure I would call a family meeting and try and rectify anything that i could. I feel my hubby is taking a backseat, and playing the Nice guy role with his kids due to guilt. I am tired of hearing that these kids had a rough life bullshit.
They are trouble , and I feel the only thing they are determined to do is break up my happy home and marriage.
Even his youngest (bed wetter)is involved with the games against my husband, she has been asking him to sleep with her because shes scared at night???WTF is that about , she sleeps in the room with her other 2 sisters. They are just manipulators.
I dont see my son going over and wrecking havoc on my ex's marriage or home, as a matter of fact my ex calls me all the time and tells me he is such angel and his wife adores him, and that i am raising a wonderful boy(his bio dad, my ex, see's our son every other weekend)
Oh dear, this is frightening
Oh dear, this is frightening to me. Thank you krankyfox....I cant understand how he doesnt see their manipulation tactics, and lies. And to to steal my jewelry? And not believe it was them. This is horrible.
And now that you mention it, yes they do hang on him. Its not good in my household when they are here. They seem to be too close to their father(almost like its a game they play to get him to feel guilt) And honest, I hear them talk in the bedroom to their mom sometimes and they say such terrible things about their dad. These children are nightmares. They are using my husband.
I am just really worried that if he doesnt put my step kids in check it might damage my marriage.
How do I handle these children, if and when they do decide to talk with their father and want to come back here again. I dont want them here ever again.
I can understand where you
I can understand where you are coming from, However, I didnt meet my hubby the second the papers went in action for his divorce. He was living in his own home for 3 years and they had been legally separated for those 3 years and BM was engaged to a new man. I get where your coming from. But dont understand how there wasnt any time for kids to grieve. The certianally knew it was done and didnt talk with their father due to BM being repulsive for so long.He was out of house for 3 years prior to me meeting him. I dont think these kids could expect their father to stay single forever, and it was okay for BM to have new man living at the house almost before the ink was dry(this was the man she was cheating on my hubby with). But i can see your point.Thank you
It seems very disturbing that
It seems very disturbing that a 10 year old is wetting the bed. I would say some counseling for that one would be in order (even if it is a manipulation tactic.) I would say leave it but I understand you don't want your house to smell. That is something that all the parents need to sit down with the child and address.
I will leave it for now on,
I will leave it for now on, thats for sure. I did mention to hubby it was time to maybe thing of some counseling for his girls, Hes not against it, but BM says no way, according to Hubby, who has resorted to communication through his oldest daughter because these 2 cant have a civil conversation at all. (i dont agree with this logic, but who am I to say)
Are you saying the counselor
Are you saying the counselor did help him understand he needed boundaries and got him to implement some, Kranky?
I would love to hear more about that. Please share some tips on this topic. I am married to a very nice man, too. And boy has BM ever taken advantage of that and is teaching SD to, as well. He wants to give them the skin off his body and they would let him. He's slowly becoming more aware that he can and should expect better treatment from them. I really want to hear more about this if you had success in this area with your counselor.
Krankyfox, thank you so much
Krankyfox, thank you so much for all your kind words, and for offering to get some info for me! You are an angel!......And congrats on your Marriage! That is simply wonderful. I wish you both the very very best :). I think you are right. Seeing a counselor would be in my best interest. I think that will help with all my concerns and complaints about my skid's and of course how to deal with DH. I feel that my Hubby needs to set boundaries all around, for the BM, and for his 3 kids. I think he is so filled with guilt(for what reason I dont understand) but this is why he appeases his girls.
I just honest to god can't stand them anymore. Our lives are so much better when they are not around. Its like a totally different atmosphere where it is just me, DH, and my BS. Everything seems perfect.
Thank you again so very much for all your help. It means so much to me. You too stay strong and keep your chin up and think positive. Have a very wonderful day today
You have 2 main concerns
You have 2 main concerns here: your marriage and your sanity. '
You need things to change before your head explodes. But you are not getting results from your DH and fear if you complain more your marriage may slip too far out of the safe zone to retrieve.
These are both real and valid concerns. To me, the first one to address is your marriage. Stop complaining to him for a bit and instead tell him you realize he must feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Lay some empathy on him. It must be hard to understand three girls, he likely barely only understands about 5% of a grown woman, his wife. He wants all the females (really, this is how he thinks) to be happy and wonders how in the world to make that happen. Tell him you know he's trying.
When you're ready to address your sanity, try to make it third party. The first thing I really put my foot down about in our house was BM's dog. She wanted us to dog sit but I'd already seen how viciously SDthen13 handled the dog. Nothing I can do about it at BM's house but if doggie comes to our house, it's House Rules.
That worked. But my DH did tell BM about it first and she agreed so I had full backing. That's huge. You may not get that yet. You might try some of these things on your own, using third party language. "In this house, each person washes their own sheets. Anyone who doesn't know how to operate the machine can ask me (or dad) to show them." Smile, return to whatever you were doing.
Just know this stepmother thing -- protecting the marriage AND the sanity at the same time -- is super super super hard. You are not alone!
Thank you Chiefgrownup.....I
Thank you Chiefgrownup.....I will be trying my best to keep my marriage healthy. I have started the process on "not complaining" about his kids as of last night. When he did arrive home from work, of course he had lots to say about his kids. He's angry with his two younger one for not speaking to him. I totally get it. But what i just dont understand is how he runs to them even when they treat him like trash.
I feel as if I take a back seat, and I mean way in the back when it comes to his kids these days.
I understand, again they are HIS kids. But if my son did what they do to him, to me I would not be so kind about the situation.
And the ex is just doing more and more each day to try an hurt him. I dont get that either, it has been many many years, I think its time to het over it (pertaining to BM)...But thank you so much for your support. I truly need it....I wish you all the best , and hope to pop on here again shortly.
Hello!!! I have Sadly been
Hello!!! I have Sadly been where you are. I just left a rather lengthy reply on another posters blog a few mins ago. The poster was "Roar"something. I hope you read it. I think it could greatly help you!!!
Feel free to ask me anything. Ive been on here for years (but had to change my name for reasons of privacy) but just figured some stuff out about 9 or so months ago-- when my marriage was crumbling because of these issues. Sadly the yrs of torment my stepson put me thru came to a head one night when i had enough. But surprisingly it all got a TON better after that night. So Im hoping it can help others too!!
Hang in there!!!!
Thank you so much! You are
Thank you so much! You are very kind.I will look for the post for sure.
I am so sorry to hear of your terrible issues. I wish nothing but the best for you. You seem like a very strong person and I am sure I will be bugging you with lots of questions. I am so very afraid of losing my marriage. But all of these needs to come to a halt. I dont see how any one can survive such torment day in and day out.
You give me lots of encouragement. Thank you so much ThegamesTheyPlay!
Your very welcome! I havent
Your very welcome! I havent posted here much in the past year or so. But I come here often to read & see how ppl are doing. I read your post today & felt compelled to reach out to you. Then I read another poster before I looked up your post to reply & I ended up telling her pretty much the same thing. So rather then type it all out again (on my not so smart 'smartphone) I thought Id just have you go read it.
I hope you can find a way to 'get thru' to your DH before it does alot of damage. We are rebuilding our marriage back up now. I sadly do have alot of hurt feelings from all of it & for allowing myself to be their & BMs doormat for so long. Im hoping DH & I can maybe somehow come out of this stronger somehow. Thank You for the well wishes too!! I really appreciate that!!
You are so very welcome. I
You are so very welcome. I cant thank you enough for all your support. I will be trying my best to try and rebuild things with my DH. I hope it has not gone to far. I wish you the best of wishes, and I just know how strong you are( i wish i had your strength), you will be able to rebuild and get past this traumatic experience. Best wishes, and I do hope to speak with you again soon.