WWYD- OT but about my 18 yr old niece
A little background:
I have a niece who is 18 who graduated last year. We are pretty close as she was born when I was 14 and lived with me for her first year of life. (my sister had her right before her senior year of HS).
For the most part she is a good kid. Got good grades in school. She doesnt dress like a slut. She is nice and kind. She works. She is in college. But she does have some laziness issues and communication issues with her parents. Stuff that I can see as frustrating to them as she lives with them. She is also spoiled and has pretty much been given any opprotunity to make sure she succeeds in life.
My niece is pretty shy and naive as well.
My sister is pretty controlling with my niece. Always has been. To the point where it is very over bearing. I think this has caused a lot of issues with them, once my niece turned 18. My sister wants to keep her "baby" safe. My niece wants to finally see what freedom is about and have her own life.
So my niece started dating this guy at work. She has been seeing him since maybe last Fall??? Once she started dating him she didnt show as much interest in school. Kind of got more lazy with her chores around the house. Not coming home when she was suppose to. Blowing her mom off. Etc. I think some of it comes from her just testing the waters of adult hood. Trying to find herself, etc. But even for me it has caused a little alarm. Because that isnt how my niece WAS. But I am trying to think, well she is grown now and she is changing, etc.
So she starts dating this guy and she lies to her parents about it because he was 27. They obviously dont approve of it. They think he is too old. He works same place she does. Not a lot of ambition.
They havent met him. I met him once when I ran into him at their work and introduced myself. He seemed like a nice guy. I am friends with him on FB and he seemed normal and legit and nice. Good family and friends from what I could see. Even my sister said well he does treat her good from what I can see.
I had invited them over, invitation extended to my niece a few times and she always passed it up. I thought it was kind of strange since she is so in love with him, I would think she would want someone in her family to meet him. Especially since her parents didnt really approve of him, ya know maybe I could meet him and put a good word in.
Well yesterday I see a FB post from the BF. The highlights being: He's really 35 years old. He used to have a drug and alcohol problem when he was younger. His GF (which is my niece) has cheated on him multiple times. (which kind of shocked me because she always talked about how much they were in love and how he is the one, etc) She has lied to her parents and her whole family. She has used and abused him.
He is also into church so he posted some things about God, etc.
Okay- 35 years old? with an 18 year old? :jawdrop: WTH. Not to mention the fact that he posted all that stuff on FB about his relationship with my niece.
I tried to call my niece and just play it off that I needed to talk to her about something and she hasnt responded back. I know she is avoiding me, probably knowing I saw the post.
It seems that they are broke up... But I dont know for sure.
I am wondering if I should say anything to my sister about this? If it was my child I would want to know. Even though she is an adult, she is living with her parents, they are paying for her car and for college. And if anything my niece can be immature and naive. I feel like she needs guidance with this. This man is not for her. Especially since she has been lying about his age. Her parents will never accept him. He is 3 months younger then her mom! :sick:
However, knowing how my sister is she is going to EXPLODE on my niece. I think she is going to make the situation even worse. Possibly push her away or push her even closer to this guy (if they stay together).
WWYD?
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I think you need to tell your
I think you need to tell your sister. May alienate your niece, but if it was my son, I would want to know what the hell is going on. And, honestly, I will never understand adults being friends on Facebook with girlfriends and boyfriends of their kids. I know he is older and it is your niece, but it still seems weird to me that you are friends with him.
Well he is actually older
Well he is actually older then me
I added him at the time as a friend because I wanted to know who he was. Who is this guy that my niece is hanging around with? What is he all about.
*not that I should have to defend myself to anyone as to who I am friends with on FB and why.
I don't think you can really
I don't think you can really count on FB for the whole, true story.
Agreed. My 2 main issues are
Agreed. My 2 main issues are that he is 17 years older then her, she has been lying to her parents about that and that as a 35 year old man what he is posting on FB about her cheating, etc. Def. shows his immaturity level either way.
Oh, he's an ass alright,
Oh, he's an ass alright, whether what he is posting is true or not.
I am very close to my niece (she's only 11) and if this were her (at 18), I would talk to her about it before I would talk to my sister but it depends on the relationships between all of you.
And if my 18 year old niece was dating a 35 year old man, my husband would probably clean his clock! It wouldn't matter that she's of age. Of legal age just means of legal age, it doesn't mean they are really "adult like". Parents still want to protect their kids even if there's nothing they can do legally.
Tell your sister. She should
Tell your sister. She should know. Although, if they are already broken up there might be no point, unless you think they will reconnect.
I dont know many people who
I dont know many people who look at an 18 year old girl with a 35 year old man and think WOW they seem like a great couple. What does a 35 year old man want with a 18 year old who still lives at home, is lying to her parents about how old he is and still has a curfew? He came across as a nice guy to me and he may be. But I think the age difference is a HUGE issue and it's something she has been lying to her parents about.
As far as my niece she is 18 years old... She lacks the maturity to be in a relationship with an older man, obviously. I wouldnt say that she has no morals or lacks integrity based off of that.
And as far as my sister having a child when she was 17...since you brought it up, really has nothing to do with how old the BF is. And just to make sure any misconceptions are cleared- My sister and BIL have been married for 15 years, own their own business, my sister is a college graduate and both are very successful. They are doing better then most people. My sister just happened to have a kid at 17.
He doesnt have a kid. I was
He doesnt have a kid. I was just saying he is 35 years old, almost 36 and he is dating an 18 year old.
LOL- yeah that is why I was
LOL- yeah that is why I was confused that you brought up my sister having a kid at 17. Like what did that have to do with anything? Yeah the BF is old enough to be her dad but your sister is just as awful as a person since she had a kid at 17.
(No subject)
He has since taken down the
He has since taken down the post. But before someone did comment- You are in a relationship with a CHILD. What do you expect? She is 18 and lacks the maturity to know what a real committed relationship is.
I dont agree with my niece lying at all. Or cheating. But I did feel like it showed his true charchter posting that on FB.
Okay I normally wouldn't
Okay I normally wouldn't suggest what I'm about to...Yes I would let her mom know what IS going on. Let her mom read what you discovered bc he is going to ruin her life IMO if he already IS posting stuff like that on FB. Maybe have a heart to heart talk with your niece if possible??
She probably doesn't want to be told what to do or who she can/can't date bc she is an adult now. Only she doesn't realize the ramifications that can arise from her actions yet. This is where your niece could use some guidance or she is likely to continue what she is doing. No one can make her stop but no one needs to give her free room and board which makes it easy for her to continue her current lifestyle.
I'm curious about her relationship she has with her dad!?! Perhaps she has some "daddy issues" going on which can have an affect on her relationships with men.
Does this guy have a criminal record?? Might be worth investigating, something made him stop doing drugs and drinking right? I don't know too many people who did drugs and drinking to just up and quit both habits for no good reason.ya know?
As for the age gap, I'd try to find out from your niece what it is about older men that makes her drawn to them. If its bc they make her feel like a mature adult, well perhaps she needs to be on her own and treated like an adult.
In my past relationships that I have had with older men, I wanted family to hear how much I was in love with *him* but it really was just the opposite and I didn't want anyone to know how miserable I was. I went to great lengths to keep one guy from my family, moved from MN to AZ where we didn't know anyone at age 19. I have no regrets about it either, didn't have any kids with him and it was a learning experience that made me wake up and smell the coffee.
ETA- I was 19 and he was 35, he was controlling from what I would wear to what I could eat and much more.
Yes she is def. in that stage
Yes she is def. in that stage in her life where she doesn't want to be told what to do.
Her and her dad our close. I will say though- that her "dad" isnt really her dad. He has raised her since she was a year old. Her bio dad has been out of the picture that long. He has just came around in the past year and a half. They dont really have a relationship though because he lives 2 1/2 hours away. They text or talk on FB sometimes but that is about it. I think they have seen each other once in the past year and half.
My sister knew my BIL's family before they started dating. Even though he had lived in another state. When he came back and shortly later they started dating. My sister was 19 and BIL was 28. So maybe this is where my niece is thinking age doesnt really matter???
However my sister already lived out on her own, had a year old baby, was in college and working. I think its 2 totally different situations.
DH and I are 8 1/2 years apart. It makes no difference in our life and I dont even think about it at all. BUT when I think when he married BM he was 19 and I was 11! That is when the age difference seems creepy. LOL.
I would say since the post
I would say since the post was taken down they may be getting back together. If it were me I would check in on the FB every now and then to get a feel for what is going on. If I felt my niece were in danger I would get closer to her so she knows she can come to me when she needs help. I wouldn’t lecture her I would listen to her. You learn so much more that way. She is avoiding you that is a clear indication she doesn't want to talk to you about it. Then if you do talk to her about his age be prepared to talk to your sister about it as well because when your sister does find out his age she will be hurt that you knew about it and didn't tell her. Anything you say to your niece is open for judgment by your sister.
As far as your niece cheating on this man that is her business. I wouldn't touch that one with a ten foot pole. She is 18 and her sex life is HER business.
He's been posting other sappy
He's been posting other sappy stuff on FB, so I do think they are over. At least at this point. Im going to wait to see if I hear from her. And I will be keeping an out eye for sure.
I think your decision about
I think your decision about what to do is going to be based on whether you decide she's an adult (so, equal status in the world to you) or a child.
If she's an adult, then you handle it the way you would if you saw something similar on your BFF's boyfriend's FB. You tell her, express your concerns, and how she handles it is up to her.
If she's a child, you talk to her parents about it. Maybe you and her parents come up with a plan other than Mama-goes-beserk, like maybe y'all agree that you'll talk to Niece first.
But bottom-line, you decide whether she's an adult in your life or not.
She is learning about
She is learning about relationships and what she wants and needs from a relationship. I remember my first boyfriend (I was 19, a late starter) was wildly inappropriate and unsuitable but I loved the attention having never received any before and I loved having someone that I felt close to. But after a while it ended and I realized that it wasn't that great after all and he was a bit of an idiot. I moved on and each subsequent relationship after that I improved upon the last until I ended up with my husband, he isn't perfect nor is our relationship but I learnt a lot from others that I can now apply here and be happy with where we are. Your niece is at the beginning of her relationship journey and will make mistakes that she needs to make for herself. It sounds like she needs a good friend right now to talk through what is happening to help her get it straight in her head. If you can be that person for her and offer a non judgmental support then that is great and she hopefully will come back to you in the future when she has more problems. She is avoiding you and her family because she is embarrassed and knows that you will not really like this guy, giving her the space to air her problems without judgement but full of support will be a big help. I don't know what it is but my mother is always super judgmental and it rubs me the wrong way, but my older sister is always able to offer good advice that feels genuine and non-judgmental, perhaps it is their relative relationships with me or perhaps it is the delivery of their "advice" but I'd always rather receive it from my sister.