As I browse here I realize my situation could be so much worse and for that I am thankful. But still, the tension is taking a toll.

BM resents me and has from the start. She texts the skids constantly and if they do not respond quickly enough she gets frustrated with them, calls repeatedly, asks if Dad has told them to ignore her, etc…The reality is that they are involved in something else or they just choose not to respond. I don’t think it is OK to ignore either parent. The kids have phones not for them, but for us to contact them. However, that doesn’t mean we get to harass them so we can find out where the other parent is and keep tabs on everything, making sure that skids are not having too much fun with Dad and SM!

Last year, DH was in a layoff situation. This was just before we got married. He was very fortunate to find another job, but it was a drastic decrease in pay. We never saw it as long term. After a few months, he was offered a job that was more in line with his skill set and the pay was much better. Unfortunately, they also wanted him to move. (Out of state.) He negotiated where he could work from home and go to the new office once a month, for two years. That gave my oldest enough time to graduate hs. Eighteen months seems like a lot of time, but not when you are talking house sale and relocation.

There was no way we could buy a house in another state. The only reason we own the house we are in is because I purchased it before we were married. Together our debt to income is too high. DH was completely screwed in his divorce. This is a source of frustration for me and I have repeatedly asked why he signed the papers. His attorney apparently sucked and he wanted out so badly. Right now he has joint custody and does not have to pay CS or alimony. This is because he has to pay the complete living expenses of BM. (Huge mortgage, home and car insurance, utilities, all kid activity fees- of which there are many- and several joint debts.) According to the separation agreement, that was incorporated into the divorce decree, the house must be put on the market within 5 years. Earlier if they agree. At that time cs and alimony kick in.

Using an attorney a letter was sent explaining the life status change and requesting negotiation for the sale of the house. BM, went to the extreme…as she is so prone to do. She texted SD14 telling her Daddy is not taking them to another state, don’t worry she will fight it, she is getting a lawyer. SD14 asked what she was talking about, they weren’t moving anywhere. (We had already discussed the changes and explained that it would not impact their school situation, that we would arrange visits both here and there. We have ties here and would be back regularly.)

BM did get an attorney and filed a motion for full custody. Of the nine points in the motion, 6 dealt with me. BM claimed I was abusive to her kids, I was mean to them, I claimed they were bad influences on my kids and told them so, I had threatened her, and had threatened to call police on SD19.

Never have I abused any kids. I am not mean to them, but do expect the rules of our house to be observed. (Respect everyone, no yelling, clean up after yourself, contribute when asked.) I did request from DH that his kids be aware that behavior impacts everyone and negative attitudes breed negative attitudes. The same was requested of my own children. I never threatened BM, but she did raise her hand to me and I refused to back down. As for SD19 she was acting like a lunatic in my front yard. Her father had told her not to come over, she needed to get what she needed from her mother. She came anyway and he asked her to leave. I then told her she had been asked to leave and she needed to respect that or she would have to be removed. Sparing the other story, she had been yelling at her dad for the past several days because her BM was acting crazy saying we were taking the kids away. SD19 had read the first paragraph of the attorney letter, and didn’t bother with anything else. She misinterpreted it. She refused to listen to the reality and refused to act like a decent human being…but then demanded his assistance when she needed something which her BM needed to take care of b/c it was at HER HOUSE which he could no longer enter! SD19 is ALWAYS getting involved when there is conflict with BM. It is like BM gets SD19 to fight her battles with DH!

So now DH and BM have to attend mediation for a change in custody. By law, I am not allowed to attend, regardless of the fact that it impacts me. There has been NO mention or acknowledgement of our request to discuss the sale of the house. BM claims the week on/week off arrangement (as outlined in the separation agreement/divorce decree as the back up plan when another plan could not be agreed upon) did not work and was not in the best benefit of the children.

Without the sale of the house we cannot fulfill the requirement to move so a change in custody is a moot point. The children requested the week on/week off b/c the other was so confusing and they weren’t getting any real time with either parent. It was always so crazy.
Over the last two months, since this all blew up, the tension has just been building. The skids say they are scared of me, but can’t point to any instance where I have been mean to them or done anything scary. (BTW, they are 14 and 10.) They say they have not heard me speak badly about their mother. They don’t like the food at our house (we don’t eat boxed dinners or overly processed foods). We try to keep things rather healthy, but we don’t go crazy with what kids would consider weird food. We make things, but we try to make them as much from scratch as possible, using good ingredients. We don’t keep a lot of junk food and we don’t buy soda. They never saw or heard me threaten their mother. It seems very much like that is what they have been told.

We tried to go on vacation during spring break and SD14 was determined not to enjoy herself. DD14 was not a treat to be around either. Neither seemed to be able to follow expectations that week and both were sullen and withdrawn. SD14 tells DD14 how much she hates her dad. This usually happens after she doesn’t get her way. SD14 also talks to DD14 about not liking me, saying I don’t like her and she really doesn’t like me either and that I don’t like SD19. Last week I told SD14 she needed to stop telling DD14 how much she hated her dad b/c DD14 was uncomfortable and didn’t understand what her issue was. DD14 would be thrilled to have a dad try so hard to be a part of her life.

As I type this out and think about it all, it just seems so petty. One issues is not the problem. It is the constant tension and lies. BM lies, skids lie. My kids are not perfect, not by any stretch…but they HAVE accepted us and they have tried so hard to blend. They wanted badly to blend and be a family, but now they are slowly giving up. DH and I feel that separation when the skids are here is necessary. I can’t be put in situation to be accused of abuse. But that separation is extremely difficult on the two of us, and leaves no room for improvement.

It just seems like a lose-lose situation.