Birth Control?
Opinions needed....
I was talking with BM last night and we are discussing putting SD13 on birth control.
BM just discovered that she has been sending inappropriate pics of herself to boys and has been sexting and saying some pretty graphic stuff. This isn't the first time it has happened. It happened about a year ago. She is crazy for attention from boys. She has tried to steal BM's phone to get on the internet to talk to boys and tries all day long to figure out the password for the computer. She throws screaming fits because BM wont give her the phone back.
She has had her phone and internet taken away indefinitely.
We are thinking of putting her on birth control. Possibly the shot, without telling her exactly what it is, so that she doesn't think its permission to have sex.
Does anyone have any thoughts or opinions on this?
- morethanibargainedfor's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I’m not too keen on the idea
I’m not too keen on the idea of not telling her what the pill or shots are for. She needs to learn. Teach her what sex can lead to. My favorite is showing the teen a video of the most graphic and disgusting live child birth I can find and showing the teen images of all the STDs out there. Education is better that deception.
If this were a normal kid I
If this were a normal kid I would completely agree. But shes not. She has ALOT of issues, and she is at the mental capacity of a 7-8 year old. She does not process or understand the concept of "actions have consequences". We are in the process of getting her in a very intense support program but the wait list is about 6 months so we aren't really sure what to do in the meantime.
She is very impulsive and honestly you could tell her she could die from having sex and she would still do it.
I think it's probably the
I think it's probably the right thing to put her on birth control, but to do it without her consent/knowledge seems like it's crossing a line. Her behavior is inappropriate so I get where you are coming from not wanting it to be "permission"
My suggestion, make her do research on a new STD every week and give you a report. Sign her up for a "safe sex" type class at a local planned parenthood. Make her volunteer at your local pregnancy shelter or battered women's shelter. I would go OVERBOARD with knowledge, not keep her in the dark.
ETA: There is an incredibly graphic and terrifying chapter in the "what to expect when your expecting book" called Labor and Delivery. It's an excellent read for any young woman. (It terrified me when I was an adult)
You have to tell her and how
You have to tell her and how nice is it that you and BM can work together. At least she can not play you off of each other. So jealous...
Just tell her that because of her behaviors you can't trust her and this way at least there will not be a teen pregnancy.
I don't think any doctor
I don't think any doctor would give her the Depo without her knowledge. I'd go the STD route as well. I remember showing my sons a medical book from the doctors office while we were waiting for the doctor to come see us. They were REALLY young. I went straight to the STD section. I showed them pictures of penis' with REALLY bad Herpes and warts and oozing pus. They almost threw up.
Sadly, even condoms aren't always safe.
You need to keep her away from any type of smartphone, ipod, ipad, computer or ANYTHING with internet access. She needs to be grounded and kept on a VERY short leash.
Yep. The other aspect to the
Yep. The other aspect to the STD route is that it's something that will follow her forever. If she has something incurable like herpes, she will be legally obligated to tell every partner that she has it. I know a friend with it and it is so awful and embarrassing for her. If she does get an STD that is curable and can take an anti biotic or whatever, it will still follow her around forever, she will have to note it every time she fills out a pre-existing condition form, even at the freaking dentist, every gyno appointment etc. Eventually, when she does have kids, she will get to re-live that right in front of her husband in the doctors office. The STD itself is a consequence, but young girls need to understand the impact that has even after it is treated.
^^^Number 5^^^ I took the
^^^Number 5^^^
I took the door off of my son's room for two years in his early smartass teen years. It is a huge pain in the ass to be a teenager without a door. Trust me. And he had to earn the door back by showing respect and consideration for others.
"Being so restrictive means
"Being so restrictive means that parents are 100percent without a life and many parents cant deal with that. TOO BAD, this kid needs parenting."
^^^Wait, are you suggesting that the parents be held accountable and "parent" their child? Hold the phone, that is just a crazy concept!
In all seriousness, I think you had great advice. If it were my bio daughter, you bet your butt I would be following this word for word.
1. BM has taken away her
1. BM has taken away her phone and internet indefinitely. She has never been allowed to bring her phone to our house and she has also never been allowed on the computer at our house unless we are all playing a game together or something.
2. I agree. Shes not allowed when shes at our house, but we can't control what happens at BMs house
3. She has been in therapy. We also have her on waiting list for a intense therapy program in our area. Our first meeting is next week.
4. She has never been allowed in our house alone. Ever. Not even for 5 minutes. She is alone all the time at BM's because of her work schedule.
5. Again, can't control what happens at BM's house.
As for me getting involved, I ask myself that every day lol.
Things were not like this when we got together. It has only been getting really bad in the past year and a half. We've put her camps. She goes one day and then fakes sick and doesn't go back.
What does "is this a crew?" mean? lol
Careful now...your last
Careful now...your last question is a forbidden one. I agree with everything you said!
LOL why is it forbidden? Is
LOL why is it forbidden? Is it some kind of secret code?
Beaccountable I have to
Beaccountable
I have to disagree with your advice. My parents did exactly what you say to do to this girl and all it did was make me want to rebel even more.
I wasn't allowed to go anywhere unless one of my parents were with me. Heck, my dad came with me when I wanted to ride my bike around the neighborhood.
Know what I did? I skipped school and sneaked out at night to have sex with boys.
No, she shouldn't be having sex at age 13, but locking her up and throwing away the key isn't the answer.
OP - I say put her on the shot, but tell her what it's for. Give her condoms, show her how to use them. Of course she shouldn't be doing these things at this age, but locking her down is only going to make her want to rebel even more.
Bea, you would have had to go
Bea, you would have had to go with me school the entire year, never work and never sleep.
I once was grounded for six months, wasn't allowed to go anywhere except church and school. It drove me crazy, I was having panic attacks from the cabin fever. All it did was make me hate my parents and made me want to be wild even more.
I sneaked out one night and took my parents car for a joy ride and almost got into a car accident. It was stupid, but I was going insane from the solitary confinement and I wasn't thinking clearly.
Just figured out what "crew"
Just figured out what "crew" meant
LOL Amazing! Now I'm lying about my story apparently?
I find it so interesting how some days on this site it is fantastic and people are so nice and helpful, and other days all people want to do is attack you and judge you.
Quite the mix of people..... Almost feels like a high school clique where only the cool kids get to post without being judged
Not always true. I know girls
Not always true. I know girls I went to school with who were attention whores and sexually inappropriate but had great relationships with their fathers. She is a kid with a lot of issues and will take attention from absolutely anywhere she can get it. I think that because she is 13 and pretty that its easier to get attention from boys.
He is involved in the
He is involved in the discussion with me and then I discuss with BM.
They can no longer communicate (see previous blog post about blocking her from his phone).
Sounds crazy but has worked wonders for us. We have a better relationship now with less stress and we also communicate much better and more frequently with BM about things involving SD.
BM only told us about this
BM only told us about this recent incident last week, which is why we had the crisis appointment with the social worker on Sunday.
As far as him sitting her down and talking to her about having sex with boys, that's not gonna happen. I would never expect that to happen. My dad never would have done that and I would have died if he did.
He does enforce rules and hand out punishment as a result of her actions, but I think its safe to say that most dads aren't going to sit down with their 13 year old daughters and have a nice chat about sex and boys....lol
Yeah. More dads SHOULD. But
Yeah. More dads SHOULD. But the reality is they aren't going to.
I wonder if BM has said
I wonder if BM has said anything to her? And i don't think it's about the father feeling "comfortable". He needs to step up and let his daughter know that her behavior is inappropriate. Either that or have the possibility of having a teen mom on his hands.
I'm pretty sure she has said
I'm pretty sure she has said something to her. But probably not in the way she should.
Her dad has told her that her behavior is not appropriate. Its not like he just completely ignores it. I think you all are getting the wrong impression here. He is a very involved father, he set rules, disciplines her and explains that it is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. He is well aware of the fact that she could get preggo. Hence the discussion of putting her on birth control
He may have told her that her
He may have told her that her behavior is inappropriate and disciplines her but has he actually sat down with her and had the "Sex" talk with her? I don't think your DH is a bad dad or anything like that. Just that maybe he needs to be the one to explain things to her.
I have no advice about the birth control which is what you were looking for. I guess at 13, she should know but she seems a little more interested in sex than most 13 yr olds.
A little off topic, there is a movie out called 13. It's about three 13 yr old girls who are into drugs and sex. They do whippits and sneak out of the house looking for boys to have sex with. Check it out.
Yeah i've seen that movie
Yeah i've seen that movie when I was younger. Very disturbing. As well as the movie "kids"
I have just read this post
I have just read this post out to my partner. He has a 3 year old daughter, he is now pacing the living room talking to himself and offering various things you can try but then correcting himself as to how that can backfire.
Sure you can take the phone and computer off her but she only needs to wait to be at school and use a friends phone or computer in the library and you are back to square one.
You can lock her up and refuse to allow her to go anywhere but thats only going to work until she sneaks out, once a child has sneaked out what are you going to do? Ground them? You did that the first time, they still left. Whats the next level?
Basically we have no real advice to offer but I would agree with the sex education, if shes old enough to be having these conversations then she needs to know the consequences.
You really dont want to end up in a situation where you are controlling all in such a way that she is more likely to go the other way but im buggered if I have any idea how you can deal with it.
Sorry!
THANK YOU! I am so glad you
THANK YOU! I am so glad you read this to your partner! Prevent, prevent, prevent!
You are exactly right. Locking her up will do no good! You have to raise children with values and morals and the ability to know what is appropriate. It may be too late for some kids but if you can teach your kids these things early on then you have hope for a brighter future for your kids.
Hugs!
Head.....desk.....head......d
Head.....desk.....head......desk.....
Birth control for a 13 year old. WTF.
I'm not disagreeing if she's sexually active (because we all know how well "Don't have sex!" works out).
It's just f**king sad to see a 13 year old girl with such low self esteem and knowing she's f**king up her body with hormones now.
My payoff is that I have a
My payoff is that I have a better relationship with my SO, BM and SD. As I said, it may not work for everyone but it works for us.
BM is not capable of communicating with SO. It doesn't work and has never worked, which is why now they don't communicate unless it is an emergency.
Also; she does have a physiologist. And as stated several times we are in the process of getting her into an intensive counseling/treatment program.
Not sure if maybe I'm just emotional today or not but I am feeling very attacked on this whole subject when I really was just looking for thoughts on birth control.....
I know this is anecdotal
I know this is anecdotal evidence, but I have always told my daughters, while I prefer they waited until marriage to have sex, if they felt they were ready to have sex to please let me know and I would supply them with condoms and BC.
Knock on wood, but my daughter is 15 years old and still a virgin.
Funny, it seems once you stop forbidding kids from doing something, their desire to do it is gone, the whole "forbidden fruit" concept.
Premarital sex is strictly forbidden by the religion my parents raised me up in, those that are caught doing the deed are disfellowshipped - i.e. no one is allowed to speak to you, not even family members. Despite the threat of this happening, there were many teenage Jehovah's witness kids that sneaked around and had sex, me included.
Has anyone sat her down and
Has anyone sat her down and asked her if she wants to have sex with these boys? Is there anyone who she would open up honestly to, perhaps the therapist? Maybe she is just craving attention but won't go on to have sex? But I imagine if you have concerns that it is a strong possibility.
I would be unhappy about not informing her that she was on birth control because I feel it closes down a line of communication. Secretly putting her on birth control will not prevent her from having sex if she wants to. If you are considering birth control options perhaps BM (and you?) can go to her doctor to discuss it before discussing it with SD. That way you know what the options are and can maybe get some educational leaflets for SD as others have suggested. If she does become sexually active then the more information you have the better you can help her. If she suddenly develops strange symptoms associated with STD's and is too embarrassed to talk to an adult about it, it could lead to major complications. If she gets involved with someone inappropriate who takes advantage of the fact that she is a 13 yo girl who desperately wants attention and "love" then you want to know about it to be able to nip it in the bud early on or even help her keep an eye out for predators like that and avoid them altogether. If she wants to behave like an adult and have sex then she needs to know the full facts and as she is also only a child she needs people around her who she can feel comfortable to go to if she has questions or needs help. Perhaps her therapist already provides this for her. Perhaps even when you take her to the doctors for the birth control you can give her some private time with the doctor so that she can ask any questions she has and starts a conversation with the doctor so at least she may go to the doctors if she needs to, even if she doesn't inform her parents.
And finally please don't forget the condoms, have lots of them available at home, make sure she always carries some with her. Birth control is all well and good, but it won't prevent STD's.
The way I see it, teens are
The way I see it, teens are going to have sex, whether they have 'permission' for it or not. I think it's best to be honest. SD needs to hear from an educated adult how her body works (reproductively speaking), what STIs are out there and what to do to prevent them, including how to recognize the symptoms. And yes, she NEEDSS to be put on birth control asap, so that none of yall get stuck raising a grandchild. The best thing in this situation is a full and comprehensive education on the subject. And don't just address the subject once, it needs to be an ongoing discussion. Best of luck!