I am tired of being everyone's punching bag...

So dh and I've been together for 13 years. The entire time we have been married my inlaws have blamed me for all the wrongs in the world. Seriously. I am somehow to blame for the fact that my sil stole dh's identity and committed 14 felonies. I am to blame for the fact that dh no longer has contact with them. I am to blame for poor weather. I am to blame for every single bad thing my ss15 does. He lives with my inlaws for many many reasons. It is impossible for him to live here or visit here due to his sexually assaultive behavior towards my daughter. So since I "kicked him out" then every thing wrong he does is because of me. When he was younger and misbehaved that was always about me and what I was or wasn't doing as well. I was essentially chastised for 2 entire years (at least) because one day I was napping and they called and I didn't answer the phone.

My dh was guilty as well. With his familys urging, he made me a scapegoat as well. My ss has always been a troubled child so all through his youth if he misbehaved it was my fault-never his, not his bm's but it was ALWAYS about me. My ss also adopted me as his scapegoat at a very young age and has added to this by making up lots and lots of stories about the evils I have perpetrated against him. He has even admitted to me that he has made up these stories, but that makes no difference to the inlaws they just carry on as if they are all true.

It took me a long time to work through my anger with my dh for his role, but I felt like I had. We are almost at the two year mark since he stopped having any significant contact with anyone he's related to. It was not entirely even his choice, as they all have shunned him since he filed a police report against his sister. In the past 2 years, they 've gone on to do even more nasty things to us, only validating that we were doing the right thing by disengaging. My ss15 got to the point in which he would only speak to dh to request money or things and if dh did not comply then ss would text him telling him to eff off, he's not his father, he's crazy and all sorts of assorted random things.

As long as they were not attempting to contact us, things have run pretty smoothly here for the last couple of years. Dh and I's relationship is stronger than ever now that they are not whispering in his ear constantly about me and he has made lots of wonderful significant changes in his life.

But, NOW, he went on a church retreat this weekend. Which is a wonderful thing. However, he came out of this with the notion that he must contact his parents, his son, his brother (not his sister as there is a no contact order due to her charges) and tell them that he forgives them. WTF? He feels he must do this in order to move forward as a Christian so the anger and hatred will leave his heart. Well, I even sorta get that but I don't think he has to contact them in order to let go of his angry feelings.

I see this going one of two ways. First there is a very good chance that they will laugh in his face and tell him to eff off. Which he's made a couple of attempts to contact them in the past couple years for various matters. They've taken every opportunity to be hateful and nasty. Which then throws him into a deep depressive funk for about a month. The other possible way it may go is that they just "play along" and say, oh, yes, lets all just move forward and love one another and will suck him back into this cycle of dysfunction which I feel will mean the end of my marriage.

I can no longer tolerate them at all. I never want to see my ss again as I mentioned about he sexually assaulted my dd. If he were somebody else I might have tried to kill him. But instead I just don't want to see him. My inlaws are all just evil people. They are liars and thieves, the majority of them are in active addiction.

I am mad, upset, worried etc about him wanting to contact these people, but at the same time I feel like if I try to stand in his way-I will be somehow affecting his "spiritual growth". Any advice on how to handle this?

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What???

Totally agree with Badfairy

Totally agree with Badfairy on this.

I feel so bad for you. I would be sick thinking that he is trying to drag all of that mess back into your life. UGH! Sorry hun.

I think you have to let him

I think you have to let him do what he thinks he needs to do, with the understanding that yes, he can forgive them but you do not want your family (including him) dragged back into that dysfunction.

You might talk to him about the different ways it could play out and ask him what he will do if they do this or that. What exactly are his expectations?

Just stay out of it...He can

Just stay out of it...He can do what he wants, he just can't expect you to feel differently or want them back in your life. I highly doubt he is going to get the reaction he thinks he will get.

I would be really offended if

I would be really offended if my DH started talking to his family again after the way they have treated both ME and HIM. He too has 3 years with NO contact and our lives have been amazing without them.
I am slightly worried that when his mother dies, he will feel guilty and shift the blame on me for his non existent relationship with them.
However, I really prefer they stay where they are and leave us the fuck alone.

If your DH wants to put himself in the line of fire again that is entirely up to him as long as HE knows that YOU have no intention to forgive them and don't want them in your life.

I am slightly worried that

I am slightly worried that when his mother dies, he will feel guilty and shift the blame on me for his non existent relationship with them-this is what I think part of his issue is. As his parents age he has begun to think of what if they passed away now. He would have regrets. He would like to feel as if he had done what he can.

I did talk to him about the

I did talk to him about the possible consequences. he says he realizes completely that they may reject him and that's ok he'll feel as if he at least he did his part. (I'm not so sure about him being completely ok with this-he historically has NOT been ok with it). I told him I suspected that what he really wanted deep down was the norman Rockwell picture of the perfect family and that would never happen as I could not allow them in my home nor would I be involved in any sort of contact with them. He seemed to accept that ok.

And I have thought about just encouraging him to do at as I am pretty darn certain they will not react well. As far as am I ok with him interacting with them without me? Well, no I'm really not. As I said he burned me before with this-he didn't talk negatively about me to anyone else only them, because they did so and it was encouraged. I do feel as he has made changes in his life, however, I feel as if they have not-I feel that eventually he would be sucked back into this extremely dysfunctional system.

It's a bad idea. It will

It's a bad idea. It will cause drama and hurt and will end badly.

That being said, I doubt you can stop him and trying will just start the drama and hurt and make the whole thing more painful for you both.

He's so attached to his idea of how it should be, and he does tend to see things from his point of view only (based on previous blogs), that he currently has no sense of how ridiculous his forgiveness will seem to his family. They think he should be coming crawling begging for THEIR forgiveness. So that will be awful for him. They will also be angry at this perceived slight, so that will be awful for you all. And then he's opened the doors to communication... sigh.