Get to know me and my family :)
So where to start. Me and my OH got together in May of last year, through difficult circumstances due to him being a friend's ex (a lot of abuse for about 2 months)but that's another issue. So we fought to be together and he started to slowly introduce me into conversation with his kids, get them used to me. Eventually I met them and we got on great, I met the In Laws who I get on with amazingly still and everything was pretty much perfect...
But...The more time I spent at my OH's flat the more I saw the kids. He has them every other weekend and every Wednesday night, (I worked nights as this point, so I was at his for 4 days a week and my mums for 3), so there was a lot of time spent together and the more time I spent with them the worse they became. I knew this would happen, it was inevitable, they're children and I myself am a step-child who has never gotten on with my step-mother, know how they feel. That is one of my reasons for joining here, I want somewhere to vent and ask other Step-parents for advice so that I can better my relationship with the skids, especially the SD. I'd hate for her to grow up disliking me as much as I dislike my stepmother.
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I was thinking yesterday,
I was thinking yesterday, although I dislike my SM, I can understand why she got frustrated and I feel bad about it of course, being in the position I am in now, I wish I had been easier on her.
But my SM never wanted kids, she only took me on, because she loved my dad, and I have always loved kids, that's why I work in a pre-school and I want my own eventually, but the main reason I dislike my SM is because she and my dad stopped me from seeing my BM for 11 years and all of BM's and my dad's family.
Obviously I know all stepparents aren't all monsters, I am back in contact with my BM and lived with her for 3 years alongside my stepdad, who I love and adore and would do anything for as would he. I am closer to him than I am my dad, so as you see not just the fact she is SM that I don't like her.
Yes I do feel like sometimes the more I try the harder she pushes back, she has her moments where she's brilliant and we get on really well, but when she wants to be...ooh! ahaa I feel like screaming like a child and I know that even though my age doesn't matter to my OH it makes a difference with the skids, life experience and all that.
Hmmm... I'm not trying to
Hmmm... I'm not trying to push your buttons, but maybe get you thinking.
Your SM took you on because she loves your dad. She would have been happier without having any kids. Yet she conspired and supported your dad in not allowing you to have any time with your BM and all extended family? For 11 years?
Wouldn't she have been happier if you at least went for the odd visit somewhere?
Do you think she could have stopped your dad keeping you from your BM?
Basically, I think you may have assigned your SM too much power, power that she never really had - and that might lead you to believe you have more power in your current situation than you actually have.
Oh I completely understand
Oh I completely understand where you're coming from, I expect I have given myself the illusion I have more power than I actually have, but my SM and my dad were equals in what happened. They both had equal parts, unfortunately.
When I try to wrap my mind
When I try to wrap my mind around how a BM doesn't have visitation/access to you for 11 years, I have a hard time
seeing how the equal parts fault doesn't lay between your mom and dad...not your SM. Your SM played a role in encouraging
the alienation from your mom, perhaps...but your Dad had the majority responsibility here.
Sounds like your Dad tried to keep you from your Mom. But...if your mom would have tried the least bit to get access, it
would have been granted, unless there was something horribly unfit about her. Biomoms are rarely kept from their kids. Even
terrible parents get supervised visitation.
Sounds like your mom didn't try at all to see you.
Easier to blame the SM than to see your BM as being lacking in effort/desire to get a CO for visitation.
Of course...maybe your lifes' story has a reasonable explanation for why you didn't see your mom all those years, other
than what my mind comes up with.
I lived with my dad and my BM
I lived with my dad and my BM lived 2.5 hours drive away and would come see me every other weekend, except my dad and SM would open the door tell her I didn't want to see her and then tell me she wasn't coming. They did this for about 3 months and eventually my mum stopped coming down to see me because she was upset afterwards that driving back was dangerous, because she couldn't see because of tears etc anyways she wanted to get shared custody but my dad told her I didn't ever want to see her again for whatever reason an my mum backs down. She didn't want to force me to see her. We then moved and they didn't tell her our new address and phone number etc etc. I was a constantly nervous and quiet child because they told me that my BM wanted to kidnap me. There were other issues to do with the law as well that my BM was forced to sign or she would get arrested and as she has my brother with her and she knew I was safe with my dad she signed them.
Sounds like bm bs. Sorry.
Sounds like bm bs. Sorry.
I'm sorry but it's not
I'm sorry but it's not entirely her fault. She's not innocent I know but she's not all at fault. Anyways this blog post was so I could get advice on the future and being a SM myself not analysing my past.
Here's why your past
Here's why your past matters:
1. You currently think that an SM has the power to control whether a child has a relationship with his/her parents.
2. You currently think that one parent is all good or all bad.
From what you've written, you're a nice person but getting a bit frustrated. Especially since your SD is getting to the age of back-talk and defiance. If you want to be happy in your current family situation, you'd better make sure you and your partner have defined your roles, that your role as SM is realistic and that you are comfortable, and that you are prepared for naughty children. Right now, I don't see anything that suggests you're there.
I think I sound harsh, but I don't intend to be and if I come across as unkind, please forgive me. Like tog said, you ARE handling things fine. But that it bothers you and gets you thinking along these lines is why I suggest you need to step back and regroup.
All just my opinion, of course.
I was also a SD growing up,
I was also a SD growing up, and not a very nice one to my stepdad. You want advice on how to be a stepmom?
You DO need to analyze your past a bit to realize your SM probably wasn't the root of your problems, and that both your BF and BM failed you. This doesn't mean they're bad people, it means you see them from an adult perspective. That they made mistakes too. And you can either be angry or be forgiving. SMs (or in my case SD) are easy targets for childhood hurt. Don't make it all the SMs fault. There's plenty of blame to go around
I actually apologized to my SD when I was in my 20s (for being an ungrateful and disrespectful SD).
Once you evaluate your past, you can take steps to actively address what you believe are errors that stepparents and bio parents make. This site will help you do that. But only if you let it. Be humble enough to hear what people telling you. It isn't always pleasant. But it works.
Thank you for explaining
Thank you for explaining that.. I understand now I think about, sorry if I was coming across as rude. It might be hard to apologise to SM when I'm in that place as I haven't spoken to her for 2 and a half years. But like you said when I think about my past and what happened even if it is hard I will be able to be a better SM myself .
You don't have to apologise
You don't have to apologise out loud if it isn't wise. In my case, it was more a matter of coming to terms with the past so that it doesn't cast such a long shadow over my present.
I was holding onto so much anger about my father - I thought he should be begging ME to forgive HIM. But then I realized: I was so angry about how he treated me because I EXPECTED different (better). And he couldn't deliver. That's his failure in life, as a person and as a parent. But for me to hold onto resentment about it is making it MY problem too. If you see what I mean.
I completely see where you
I completely see where you are coming from and understand wholely. Thank you