Childless and being made to feel guilty because I want friends and a life. Am I being selfish here?
I recently decided to try and work things out with my ex, who is a single dad. I moved for a job after we broke up, so we live about an hour apart. I live in an exciting new city that I love, with lots to do. He lives in Snoozetown where there is nothing to do and we can't do much anyway with a six year-old.
The problem is we are running into the same issues that led me to leave in the first place. Namely, I feel that as the childless person here, I can't have a life of my own even though I'm not the one with a child. He has the weekends off. He also has his son every single weekend. He has been good about getting a babysitter this time around (which he NEVER did when we were together before), but he can't do that every weekend obviously.
I told him when we started talking again a month ago that I wasn't committing to anything and I would take things one day at a time. I also promised myself I wouldn't get stressed about HIS problems. So if he can't find a babysitter and there is something I really want to do - oh well. We went out the past couple weekends after he got a babysitter, but it just so happens that this weekend there is something unique going on that I really want to do in my city. He can't get a babysitter, so I said I would just go alone or with a girl friend. That turned into an argument.
There seems to be no way to casually date this man. I have no idea how he was dating other women while we were apart, but I'm guessing this is why none of them worked out - they were too new to be around his kid, so he couldn't see anyone that often, and it fizzled out naturally. He works evenings all week and has his kid every weekend. He doesn't have time to date. In order for ME to see him, I have to pack up my stuff and go down to Snoozetown to spend the weekend with him and his son. They can also come up to my place, but same thing, we are just sitting around. I understand that to be with him I have to share a lot of my time as family time. But with his schedule, that is EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND.
When I was with him before, I didn't have many friends or a social life. He would guilt trip me if I went out without him because he couldn't have a life due to his work and kid schedule. This is ultimately why I ended up leaving. I felt like I was in prison for someone else's mistakes and circumstances. Now that I live in a new city, I'm trying to cultivate a life here and make friends. He has stopped guilt tripping and manipulating me if I go out during the week when we can't see each other anyway. The problem is now that we are trying to work on things he wants to claim every single weekend of mine because otherwise, we won't see each other. Most of my friends don't go out during the week so if I'm with him every weekend, I *can't* have my own life and I'm right back to where I was when we were together. Isolated, with no support system other than him.
After the argument last night I'm just wondering if there is any way to balance this. I don't have a child, so I have more free time than he does. I'm not out partying every weekend but a LONG shot, but I want to have a life and be able to see the friends I'm making. I gave up the latter half of my 20's staying at home 90% of the time, either doing nothing alone at home while he was at work, or spending weekends doing family stuff. Which I don't mind, but I *need* friends and my own life. That is one thing I realized is so important after I didn't have it for so long. It just seems to cause arguments every time I assert myself on this issue. I understand he is insecure about losing me and wants to see me - and he is my best friend and has so many great qualities... but how do we get past this? Am I being selfish?
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You are not being selfish. He
You are not being selfish. He is. If he isnt' ready to let you have your own life, he is probably not ready to be in a relationship with you. Also, know that this situation will only get worse as you move forward. If it leads to marriage you'll definitely be trapped living with him & a child every weekend, & nobody wants to spend every single weekend with someone elses child. If he's mad that you won't come spend time with him and his son every weekend, imagine how mad he will be if you leave home on a weekend.
I'd cut your losses & keep him in the friendzone until he figures out that not everyone is going to sacrifice everythign because he has a child.
See that's the thing, I
See that's the thing, I already lived that life. We lived together for a year. I was trapped with him and the kid every weekend and I usually had Friday nights to myself because he was at work, but he would make me feel guilty if I went out without him. Right before we broke up, we had a HUGE fight because I went to an amusement park with a female friend of mine one Saturday. That's the kind of stuff I just never did, for FOUR YEARS. He wanted to go but he didn't want to be standing there with his kid while this girl and I rode adult rides. I said "oh well" and left, since I was tired of not having a life because of his problems. Moved out a couple weeks later.
You are not being selfish at
You are not being selfish at all. Go out with your friends, set a precedent right away.
I'm also childless and free. When he first moved in and his kids started coming over, he would pout a little bit about me leaving him all alone while I went out and had fun. I said, but this is your time with your kids. He said, but it's not the same as going out and having fun, staying here with them alone will be boring and lonely for me. I made the mistake of caving in because I was flattered that he preferred my company to theirs. Unfortunately, that set a precedent for me staying in every kid weekend with him. Nip that shit in the bud.
Yep, I set that precedent the
Yep, I set that precedent the whole four years we were together. That's why I am desperate not to repeat that shit. I was MISERABLE. I don't know why these guys have kids if they don't want to stay at home every damn weekend with them. That's your life, dude. Accept it!
Exactly. You didn't
Exactly. You didn't procreate, he did! Not your kid not your problem!!!
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being selfish. Everyone needs friends. And you don't need to be attached at the hip to date him. I think he's being unfair by getting mad when you want to do things with your friends, whether he can go or not. You're a grown woman, you're entitled to have a life outside of him. I actually think it's unhealthy not to. It sounds like he needs to grow up. Arguing about going out with friends is such a high school issue, what is he, in tenth grade? He's being petty and immature in my opinion. HE has the kid, not you. It's unfair of him to try to punish you for his previous choices. If I were in your situation, I would be sitting him down and telling him that if he wants this to work out, he needs to understand he doesn't own you and you're allowed to do things without him without feeling guilty or him giving you crap. You're not the parent, that is his problem, and if him having a kid prevents him from seeing you, then he needs to suck it up or make other arrangements, not expect you to cancel your plans and stay home playing mom all weekend.
EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!
EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!
I wondered the same thing as
I wondered the same thing as I read it. The situation sounds familiar & the OP has been a member for awhile, but this is the only blog. Perhaps others were deleted?
Anyway, I agree.
As I read on the sign outside of a counseling center I pass between home & work, "If nothing changes, nothing changes."
OP - You've tried this. It failed because you want to live a lifestyle that clashes with the lifestyle your BF wants.
You want to live for you & are free to do so, as you don't have children. He doesn't have that luxury, as he has children to care for & parent. He's likely looking for someone to participate more as a mother-figure/family member.
It doesn't make either of you bad or wrong. It isn't bad or wrong to follow through with what makes you happy. It DOES mean that the lifestyles you want are not compatible. It doesn't mean that you don't love each other, but successful happy relationships require more than love.
I don't think you are being
I don't think you are being selfish but I don't see how the two of you can have a happy future. You want very different things. You want normal, healthy interactions with your peers. You haven't gone through any life changes, or hormonal changes that would make it natural for you to stop wanting to go out and enjoy spending time with your friends on a regular basis. He is looking for someone who thinks it's fun and finds contentment spending their free time sitting at home, staring at his kid.
I think he should be grateful you are willing to date him casually and enjoy it. It's not fair to anyone if he continues to try to have a serious relationship with you, hoping you'll change your mind about what you want out of life.
My DH is not the CP in my
My DH is not the CP in my case, he only has skid EOWE and 2 hours every Wedn. I used to hang out with DH and skid and my BS10 alot in the beginning, then of course I began to see/experience what a brat skid was so I ended that real quick. Every time he had skid I was MIA, I did my own thing and let him and skid do their own thing without me and my bio present.
My DH wasn't too fond of that in the beginning bc he wanted to see me and spend time with me too, he didn't want to have to wait to see me until skid was gone but I stood my ground. When skid comes that is HIS problem and time to see/spend time with him NOT ME! So they did their thing and I did mine, and as much as I missed my DH (bf at the time) and resented that skids presence was taking time away from me and my DH being together I dealt with it and was happier being away from skid and being tied down to a sitation that I did not want to be in.
OP - You do what YOU want to do! You do NOT owe this man and especially not his child ANYTHING! If you do want to be with him then flat out tell him that one wkend night you will be doing your own thing with gal pals or alone etc and then you will dedicate the other wkend night to time with him and or him & skid. But I definitely would NOT be putting all of my eggs in one basket with this man. You deserve better than to settle for a life that resolves around some 6 year old! IMHO.
"He is probably jealous
"He is probably jealous because he is stuck at home every weekend with his son and you have all the freedom you want. Then he shoulda strapped it up!" -- > that's EXACTLY what it is. He's bitter that he has no life because he works in a shitty profession with shitty hours and he had a baby with someone he shouldn't. I love him but I'm tired of missing out on life because of HIS circumstances.
Why does he have skid every
Why does he have skid every single weekend?? He could give some here too.
In my opinion, you can do better than this. Many childless men left in their 30's!!
Do not settle for this if you are not happy!!
You broke up for a reason.
You broke up for a reason. Unless he has made some changes (ha, ha), the end result will be the same as it was before.
You are not being selfish but you are wasting your time with this guy.
I guess I'm just stupid and
I guess I'm just stupid and thought he had grown up in the time we were apart. Ever hopeful (and stupid)
I don't think it's really
I don't think it's really about him needing to "grow up". It sounds like he just wants something different in a partner.
TBH, if I had children (I am childless also) I think I would want a partner who is family-minded & who wanted to be involved with my kids.
It sounds like neither of you thought this through before giving it another go. You still want what you wanted before. He still wants what he wanted before. Why would you expect the results to be different?
The thing is that he is
The thing is that he is actually frustrated with is own life. HE does not want to be sitting at home every weekend with his kid any more than I do. I think him dating me as a childless woman is a way to keep his toe in the "swinging single" world but at the same time he can't do that all the time and he doesn't want me going out and having fun if he can't. That's why I say he needs to grow up.
The thing is that if you are childless and date someone with kids you have to accept a lot of things. BUT they also need to accept it if they CHOOSE to be with a childless woman. I shouldn't be tied down every weekend because he is. That is BS. And he acts like he understands that but when it comes down to it, he throws a temper tantrum.
If he only sees his kid on
If he only sees his kid on weekends, he needs to spend that time with his kid. He owes that to his child.
You mentioned that you can't "casually" date this guy. He's got a kid. He needs to focus on providing stability for his child rather than on casually dating a woman who would rather spend her weekends out with friends.
You're trying to force 2 very different lifestyles to work like one. It isn't going to happen. If you give up going out on weekends, you'll be unhappy. If he gives up his want to have his partner with him on weekends, he's going to be unhappy.
Would either of you be happy knowing your partner is unhappy? Healthy happy relationships require more than love.
Tough shit if he's frustrated
Tough shit if he's frustrated . Then he needs to fix it. It has nothing to do with YOU.
See my post above, why is it
See my post above, why is it that in order to be prepared to date someone with a child, I have to give up all MY freedom? I understand your point but at the same time, he chose to date someone childless and he can't expect me to want to sit at home with his kid every single weekend. HE doesn't even want to do that, that's why he's so bitter about it.
^^^EXACTLY^^^ I totally
^^^EXACTLY^^^ I totally agree!
He foolishly had a child with a useless wench and now he is paying the price, why on Earth should YOU have to pay the price for HIS fuck ups!?
She doesn't have to pay the
She doesn't have to pay the price for his fuck ups. Her struggle with this relationship is the price for THEIR decision to go back & do again, what they've already determined doesn't work.
She is free to go out if she wants to go out. Dealing with him being upset about it is the result of her choice to get involved with him again.
You should be able to go out
You should be able to go out with friends married or no, dating or no without an argument. This behavior is controlling and made even more ridiculous as you invited him and he cannot participate in the activity.
I had a very similar
I had a very similar situation as yours wasp
I too am childless and my now ex-SO has 3 skids full-time. They see BM every other weekend or so. We broke up after about 3 years, then I went back to SO for a while hoping things would change, and they didn't. So we're apart again. It sucks because the problem isn't the relationship between he and I, it was his parenting, and his finances, and boundary issues with BM that were the problem. I decided I couldn't have a future with that.
Now he has made some HUGE promises to me to fix the things that I said needed to be fixed. He is saying all the right things, but I am holding my ground. I will not wait around for him, but the future is uncertain and who knows what this year will bring? If it was meant to be, then it will happen, but only IF he changes. Now, I may be slow, but I'm no fool and I know 90% of the time there is no change, but if my SO can be a 10 percenter in this case, then I will love him forever for it. But, if not, then there is NO future. I've seen a few, albeit rare, examples on this site of people who had to be apart from their partners for a while, in order to be together again.
It doesn't sound like your guy even WANTS to change or recognizes that there is even a problem on his end. That is no bueno, my friend.