And I need advice please!
Some of the recent events have a cause, reason, etc. now. My DH admitted yesterday that he has a worse drinking problem than I even knew about. He is on his way to rehab as I type this. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? Any advice on how to handle others asking questions, because it is Christmas next week and he probably won't be home? I will have to deal with BM and frankly I don't want to tell her anything. But I know she is going to poke and prod. Thanks in advance!
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sorry Harley...(((hugs))...i
sorry Harley...(((hugs))...i have no advice since i have not experienced this type of situation...
If BM is poking and prodding
If BM is poking and prodding about DH, simply tell her she will need to talk to DH. If she says he's not answering her calls, then say I don't know what to tell you. It's up to DH to share with others his business. Surround yourself with support from trusting friends and Al-Anon. Take care of you and your needs this holiday season.
^^^^this!
^^^^this!
1 (888) 425 2666 also
1 (888) 425 2666
also http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/?gclid=CJKogurGvLsCFahj7AodqmIA-g
((hugs))
i would also put BM on "Ignore". if you HAVE TO HAVE TO talk to her, maybe you could take your bio for a quick trip and just tell bm "nope, we'll be out of town" and she'll have no idea dh is not with you? idk...
maybe he'll be home for Christmas. i hope you're proud of him for opening up to you about this and seeking help.
I'm extremely proud of him!
I'm extremely proud of him! He's pretty prideful (because essentially he is insecure) so it was a big step. I don't know if he will be home for Christmas or not. I will have to handle it because we are suppose to have SS7 from bedtime on Christmas Eve to the middle of Christmas day. I don't want to tell her anything and I don't want SS7 with me alone because DH hasn't bought him anything for Christmas. Not to be harsh, but I refuse to cover it up for him. I have spent too much of my money taking care of presents for SS7 over the years and I simply refuse to do it again, especially now that I know all of DH's money was going to beer. DH won't have his phone (they will take it at rehab) and she will start blowing my phone up when she can't get in touch with him. I pretty much plan to ignore her. Thanks!
He's going inpatient. I
He's going inpatient. I don't know for how long yet. Shortest time frame could be 5-7 days.
What do you recommend?
What do you recommend?
I agree. I don't really want
I agree. I don't really want to be the person that either tells the truth or creates a fake scenario. He is suppose to call me tonight so I will ask him to ask his counselors at the facility. BM is NOT the type of person to be supportive. She would gloat and hold it over his head. The main reason she hates me is because since he met me I have shown him how to stand up for his rights as a father. Before me, he caved and did whatever she said. She's a nutjob that lives in her la-la land of make believe.
yup, i see a lot of
yup, i see a lot of alcoholics dealing with the insecurity. and self-loathing.
i would still go ahead and get ss something for Christmas tho'... it's not his fault, and it'll be bad enough Christmas without Dad. he's only 7, poor thing. i would tell him "daddy's very very sorry he couldnt be here, there was something he had to take care of." and then have a fabulous Christmas. maybe take him out for a drive to check out some light displays, take lots of pictures of ss enjoying himself. have lots of fun in the morning opening up presents and scattering wrapping paper everywhere. again, lots of pictures.
for you guys, i hope he's home by then. but if he's not, it's going to haunt him as the Christmas he missed. i would NOT rub pics in his face, but i would make a couple of really good ones available to him in the future when he has a setback for him to use as motivation to stay sober.
you dont have to use that advice (about the pics), you know what will best help your dh. and while i do totally agree about not covering it up for him (cuz that will just enable him), ss may find out later, but it's Christmas for a little boy- keep the magic for him for one special day...
i am so sorry ya'll are having to go through this. it's tough.
ps- can u block her from your phone?
Hmmm kind of sucks that you
Hmmm kind of sucks that you are left to deal with BM and especially around the holidays.
If you are still going to have SS over, then you need to let her know that something is going on with DH and he will explain when he is able to. Not so sure how well that will go over.
I know if my Ex was in rehab over Xmas, I would want to KNOW something. As in, if you aren't going to be doing what you are suppose to do for your child (time with him) then you need to let me know something.
I too think if SS is there for Xmas he should have a gift. He is only 7. It's not his fault about his dad.
There will be a few things
There will be a few things that I have purchased (I tend to start shopping in Sept and Oct and slowly pick up things) but not nearly what SS7 will be expecting. Almost every Christmas and birthday in the last 5 years has been paid for by me because DH doesn't ever have any money. I don't plan to have SS7 if DH isn't here. I want to be able to enjoy a crappy Christmas without BM, DH, and SS7 drama. I have had to deal with lots of drama from all three of them over the years as well. I figure BM can handle all of Christmas and DH can make it up when he gets home. My plans are to focus on my biological sons and their happiness because they have had to live with the drama also and it isn't fair to them to continually make sacrifices.
I just plan to tell BM that DH is sick. She knows we were at the emergency room yesterday. She doesn't need to know why. If she knew she wouldn't look at it from the aspect of him trying to better himself and heal. She would run with it and PAS and just be a little bitch. That's what she does best.
i like your plan. the timing
i like your plan.
the timing of this sucks. i hope with all my heart the new year is a new beginning for ya's.
I'm sorry for what you are
I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I do think your DH should have contacted BM and told her he would not be able to have his son this year on XMAS. Don't know what reason he could give her, but it is his responsibility to let her know...not you. I realize that would be more pressure on him right now, but still, it is his child.
Well he would but as of right
Well he would but as of right now we don't know for sure if he will be home by Christmas or not. I thought about the whole SS7 and presents thing at lunch and I will probably go and do some last minute shopping when I get paid on Monday. I can't stand the guilt I can produce on myself (LOL) when it comes to kids getting the shaft.
Honestly, going to al anon
Honestly, going to al anon meeting is the best thing you could do for yourself, they are experts in helping families dealing with this disease. They have literature and mostly the experience of having a family member with the same problem.
Thanks Scubed! I wasn't able
Thanks Scubed! I wasn't able to go to a meeting this weekend. I ended up having my BS14 most of the weekend. (My ex and I get along so we often just go with the flow of which house our son wants to be at rather than stick to the CO completely.)
I have the list of meetings in our area and hope to get to one either tonight or tomorrow. I appreciate all the advice from everyone!
I have spoken to DH but we
I have spoken to DH but we haven't talked about SS7 yet. I think that the subject will be left alone give SS's age. He is really immature in some ways and all he might notice is that dad is in a better mood. Not as moody which was the alcohol working. I have spoken to my BS14 because he is old enough to really notice things and he is SUPER observant in the first place. He thought it was a great idea.