Dealing with Mini-Wives?
For those of you dealing with Mini-Wives...how do you handle it?
Do you ignore it?
Or squash it ruthlessly?
Or somewhere in between?
What is reasonable? What is not?
I tend to go with the "squash it ruthlessly" theory because I feel like once SD12 knows her place as child rather than wife, maybe we can move on with our lives and try to "parent" her together. But she is holding onto this mini-wife thing with a vengeance. Good Lord, I almost think she's got mental issues.
Maybe I am handling this wrong? Looking for a little insight from others who are dealing with the same thing.
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I tend to go with the "squash
I tend to go with the "squash it ruthlessly" theory
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I would think that DH would have a better result if he was the one to squash it. I also think he SHOULD be the one to squash it.
But I do not have a SD (THANK THE LORD) so that is JMHO!
"I would think that DH would
"I would think that DH would have a better result if he was the one to squash it. I also think he SHOULD be the one to squash it."
^^^THIS^^^
He needs to do it. She wants her dad to parent her, not a stepparent. She needs her dad to parent her, not a stepparent.
I don't think she has mental issues. I think she genuinely likes having so much power. She feels secure in it. She doesn't want to feel insecure. Nobody does. So she "holds onto it with a vengeance."
Maybe her dad needs to get her counseling.
I squashed any and all
I squashed any and all behavior that placed either of his kids in a position of power and I did so the same as with my own kids. "I'm the adult and no way do you ever get to push me aside now get off my couch." This was the first and mostly final issue stealing someone's seat if they got up even for a second. Now its timeout for it and that was SO's idea. If his dd attempts to push between us when walking or holding hands I just offer my hand and squeeze SO's so he gets the hint. The only time she got an attitude she tried to run and get between us he told her it was rude she screamed he popped her. I established adult child boundaries from day one and SO supported it once he understood why.
Name calling? What are you
Name calling? What are you referring to? I am confused.
A few examples of the behavior:
~Trying to get between us when we walk through a store
~Always wanting to hold daddyyy's hand or walk with her arm around him
~Wanting to sit next to him at restaurants with me on the other side
~Asking for "dates" with daddyyy
~Jumping in my seat next to daddyyy whenever I get up
~Asking DH who he loves more, Katie or SD12
~Wanting to pick out the vehicle we purchased
~Pouting if she's not constantly the center of daddyyy's attention
Mini Swamp was given parental
Mini Swamp was given parental authority to "parent" her brothers at a very very young age. Then she began bossing DH and telling him what to do. Swamp enforced it and DH had no balls.
I was not putting up with it PERIOD.
Anytime Mini began her yelling and demanding with her brothers, I would say to her that, that was Dad's job and her job was to be a kid. Responsibility like this is for the adults. When she lashed out at Dad, I would say that she was to respect Dad and not talk to him like that. He's your father and a grown man.
It all worked a little while, then Swamp turned up the burner and things got worse with adding PAS.
I still stood up for the boys but when she was nasty to me and DH did nothing...I backed off and saved myself.
Mini became more aggressive and I did not back down. The PAS was severe and by the time she was 12, the Judge suspended visitation with DH to try and preserve any future relationship with her.
Problem solved.
I would say that she was to
I would say that she was to respect Dad and not talk to him like that. He's your father and a grown man.
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Do you see the irony that YOU are the one having to tell her this because your DH would not stand up to a child.
Like I said- DH had no balls.
Like I said- DH had no balls.
I think girls also become the
I think girls also become the mini wife because they are in competition with the new female in Dad's life. For some reason girls don't seem to do this when the family is intact, but when a divorce happens, the competition starts with the new woman in Daddy's life.
^^^ I agree with you
^^^ I agree with you
It happened a lot in the
It happened a lot in the beginning because BM and DH did not parent, so SD was in charge of parenting her sister and cooking, etc. when I came in, I made it clear that the Only parenting that is done is done by ME- I gave her permission to just be a kid (which she will love to hear).
I am seriously nervous about
I am seriously nervous about this. She is 12 now and getting ready to head into the teenage years. I have known her since she was 10 and things seem to be getting worse rather than better.
A couple of things I have learned:
~I need to address this myself because my husband cannot or will not see the behavior as a problem.
~Any attempt I make to talk to him about it makes him more protective toward HER and I become the "wicked stepmother."
So yes, HE should address it but I don't see that happening without me completely ruining the closeness in our marriage trying to make him see reason.
My thoughts? Since my husband is so blind to the cattiness in women, maybe I should learn to beat her at her own game. I don't think he'd ever notice.
My oldest sd was a horrific
My oldest sd was a horrific mini wife, to both her mother and her father. All the behaviors you are describing are exactly what she would do and she would also argue anything with either of them because she felt she was their equal.
She was about 16/17 when the final straw hit me and the camels back broke. We had company over, DH is reclined back in his recliner when she shashayed out into the living room, and sprawled out full length on him, pressing her breasts against his chest, nestling her face into his neck. Full body contact from head to toe. Our company (DH's bro and wife) were even looking at them like WTF?!?
This was not a child sitting in daddys lap. This was a fully developed "woman" nestling up to my man and my mouth engaged before my brain and "Get the FUCK off my husband" came flying out of my mouth. DH initially was upset with me: until I pointed out to him if she were ANY other female in the world aside from "Sd" 1) he would never allow her in his lap 2) he would never allow the behavior because it is inappropriate 3) I would have stomped the ever loving shit out of the woman doing it... and then him.
The light bulb went off for him.
The next time she went to sit in his lap he told her to get up, when she objected he pushed her off.
Sitting next to him at the table is my spot. He sits at the end she sits to his left I to his right (In muslim/arabic countries you eat with your right hand, wipe your butt with your left... so you can see why I had a good chuckle with her sitting on his left).
Out in public if either of the girls attempt to grab his hand, he gives them a one arm hug around the shoulders briefly and holds his hand out for me to take.
He had to explain to the girls "If you can cross the street on your own, your too old to hold my hand. Hand holding is for lovers and small children. Period.
He was still from time to time letting the younger SD sit in his lap. She is short so it is 'easier' to mistake her for a kid per him... (yeah, ok if you ignore the DD's on her chest... maybe). Well one day while I am out of the house she plopped herself in his lap and they were watching a movie. I get home, arch a brow and she is out of his lap like a shot. And there, all over his leg is a blood stain. Someone's pad/tampon leaked. DH gagged and ran for the shower.
We haven't had any lap sitting in about 2 years now.
It is all a matter of adjusting DAD's thinking... not the kids. It does not matter if the kid "gets it" at first. DAD needs to get it. Once you get it through his thick skull then he can go about correcting his kid.
"A few examples of the
"A few examples of the behavior:
1.Trying to get between us when we walk through a store
2. Always wanting to hold daddyyy's hand or walk with her arm around him
3. Wanting to sit next to him at restaurants with me on the other side
4. Asking for "dates" with daddyyy
5. Jumping in my seat next to daddyyy whenever I get up
6. Asking DH who he loves more, Katie or SD12
7. Wanting to pick out the vehicle we purchased
8. Pouting if she's not constantly the center of daddyyy's attention"
Let me preface this by saying your DH needs to handle this and maybe even get his daughter counseling.
1. Some people show affection like that. My mom and I enjoy putting an arm around each other. Same goes with my dad and myself and other family and friends of mine.
5. I go out to lunch with my mom once in awhile. Same with my dad.
6. I think many kids go through that- we see it all the time on this site. If the parents handle it correctly it should disappear in time. Again, it is on the PARENTS to handle it. Not trying to scream that, but this is something her dad needs to handle. This particular battle is where she needs HIM to step up. Your saying something will only make her behavior worse. I can guarantee that.
8. Again, if dad handles this correctly, it'll go away. It'll take awhile, but it will go away.
You don't need to parent this kid. You do need to not be a doormat to her. If she tries to get between you when you're walking with DH, you need to firmly say, "SD, that hurt. Do not do that again." If she sits where you were sitting, you need to firmly say, "SD, I was sitting there. Please find your own seat." If she asks you to do something nice for her, say, "I don't do that for people who treat me rudely."
Your SD isn't the problem. Your DH is. You can't expect to be able to parent this kid when he won't himself. But you can make sure your SD knows you're no doormat.
Agree. I am working on
Agree.
I am working on getting DH to "get it" but appreciate the suggestions in the meantime.