Adult Step Daugther Still living at home

Hello,
I am a step-mom to two adult daughters, 23 and 26. The older one does not live with us, where as the younger one does.
The younger one is what is causing a real strain on our marriage. We've been married for 4 months, but living together (with her), for 7 years.

The problem lies in that she is a very disfunctional 23 yr old. For me (and he does agree from time to time), it's like dealing with a 13 yr old that does not want to grow up.
She goes to college and works part-time, and so she is trying to get it together. She does have it on her agenda that she wants to move out "maybe" if possible once she finishes school.
The thing is it's hard for us to get her to cooporate, to clean up, tidy up and look after her own dog (that sheds like crazy!!!!). He winds up conforting her, after I may point it out.. although he does initiate it on his own quite frequently.. but it does create friction as it's dealing with the same thing over and over and over again.

He feels that I want a "perfect" environment, and that with her it's just the way she is and that I can't change it/her. He calls me the control freak, and that I have to have everything just so. Well maybe, but she is down right messy!

Just last night I attended and step-mom session here where I live, and when I got home we of course wound up talking about what I got out of it.
He basically said that he does everything possible to make me happy and confront her when he does see things out of sort. We argued and he thinks that I'm being selfish that all I ever wanted was to have her out of the house.
He said that it's his daughter, and he does have the parental responsabilities, and what is he supposed to do... kick her out.
He wants me to understand that the time will come, and stop living in the "negative" and see the positive.

Her and I do get along, but lets just say that we have had a very very bumpy road! She is selfish and has a strong sense of entitlement. She has a very strong personality and does not hold back and is confrontational, where as I am not.

I also wanted to add that being Italian, is a huge factor as in our culture children do tend to stay home a little longer.. so that's another challange for me.

I say to him that I want our space, and that "I" want to be the lady of the house. When is it our time. He gets mad and says that I knew he came with baggage.

I'm not sure what kind of responses I may get this, but had to share.

Lori D's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Well, I have mixed feelings.

Well, I have mixed feelings. I think it is worse for kids to live "on their own" before they are really independent, ie they have their own apartments but expect mom and dad to pay for it even when the family income can't support it. For example my stepdaughter is paying 2K for an apartment share... which makes my blood boil since neither of her parents can afford it, and my husband is expected to pay for half. It would make much more sense for her to be living in our house and let her parents use that money to pay tuition (she is taking loans for the tuition).

However, if your stepdaughter is working she should also be contributing to household expenses and keeping things neat according to your standard. Charging a little rent will make moving out seem more appealing.

You don't know Italians!

Trust me if you had an

Trust me if you had an itialan mother you would never want to leave. Espically the boys in my family forget it! My cousin go married and moved his mom in with them. Hell I want to move my mom in with me but she stays with my sister

My ex-wife is Italian. Even

My ex-wife is Italian. Even after marriage, my ex wife would speak to her mother on the phone several times a day and would visit her every other day. It was as if she never moved out!

Seriously, when we were married, the mother saw her more often than I did!

We argued and he thinks that

We argued and he thinks that I'm being selfish that all I ever wanted was to have her out of the house.

GAH... does this stupid crap continue into skid adult hood?? If I have to hear the standard "You just don't like my daughter" one more time I think I will snap.

My SD15 is guaranteed to be headed down the road that your SD is. She is a lazy, entitled, manipulative princess and DH just blames every sucky thing that SD does on BM1... or on me. Neither SD nor DH seem to play any part in her choices and actions.

I mean seriously... my DH went as far as to tell me that SD15 leaves all of her dirty dishes and empty wrappers and garbage in her room because she is "too scared" to come out of her room if I am in the living room/kitchen area. I told him that was freaking hilarious since she wasn't too "scared" to come out of her room to GET all the food and drinks. And I have NEVER yelled or spoken a cross word to SD.. I just don't speak to her.. how is that "scary?" Then DH admitted that yes, she was a bit lazy... but then of course immediately blamed that on BMs upbringing. Whatever.... about that time is when I walk away because DH gets pissy when my eyes roll into the back of my head.

"For me (and he does agree

"For me (and he does agree from time to time), it's like dealing with a 13 yr old that does not want to grow up."

If she wants to keep living at home, what DH needs to do is:

-charge her a rent amount you both agree on
-mandate that she gets professional help (she sounds like she could have some undiagnosed disability and/or depression)
-complete a weekly list of household chores
-enrolls in a few classes on how to do a job interview, how to write a resume, appropriate dressing for work, etc. that are put on by Ontario's equivalent to the Departments of Labor in each state in the US
-she needs to check out her college's career services department and speak with someone there, and go back there frequently and sign up for some classes they offer
-she needs to check out Ontario's Bureau of Rehab Services (or its equivalent) and see if she is eligible for their services. They can offer her programs that help her learn important life skills. They may also be able to help her find employment.

I say all this because she reminds me a lot of a friend of mine who has a disability. This friend was pretty much in the same boat 10 years ago that your SD is in. She has a disability and needed some improvements in the support she was getting. Her parents took her to her state's Department of Labor and had her check out her college's Career Services Department. They also took her to her state's BRS. Once she had more resources available to her, and more professionals helping her, she started to really do a lot better. She now has a great job that she loves.

Hi Anon2009, Well there is

Hi Anon2009,
Well there is something that I forgot to add, she does suffer from PMDD which is a severe case of PMS, on top of ADD, (these were both diagnosed).
So I'm clearly dealing with someone with emotional/hormonal issues.
It's not easy to suggest things as she will lash out.

-rent is not an open as she barely works part time and paying for school (although getting Government assistance)
-she did seak some counselling, if only for 3 sessions
-list of chores may or may not work as she is always "sooo busy with school and work". We've approached this conversation, and she says to write it down, but it's all with resistance and never has the time to do it properly, cause she's always running out the door for something!
-she has approached Career Services at school for assistance

all the others... not sure if she's be open to that.