Rewarding the Mediocre
So SS11 is struggling, 6th grade has not been kind to him.
A little background: SS11 is the baby of the family; he has ADD – very mild and easily controlled with meds; and he’s always had BM and DH making excuses for his less than stellar academic career.
I’ve stepped back from trying to parent, I used to be the “homework nag” – my term for it. But I stopped last year. Nobody was happy, most of all me, so I decided to let it go.
SS11 is currently failing 2 classes and has D’s in 2 others.
DH talked to BM about the SS11’s grades and she says: “SS11 says he’s fine, doesn’t need my help, and that homework is done when I ask him. Oh and by the way SS11 refuses to take his ADD med when he’s with me.”
So BM is basically blaming SS11 for being a typical tween and testing the limits.
DH asked me last weekend what I thought and it took all of my self-control not to tell him what to do. I just responded sweetly "you're his father what do you think needs to be done?" DH decided he's ASK SS11 if he wants to come over an extra night during the week so that DH can help him with his homework. I would have told SS11 (but that's just me).
So what do you think SS11 said?
That’s right: “Thanks but no thanks Dad.”
DH feels if he could get SS11 organized and into a homework routine SS11 may have a chance. I agree with DH but deep down I know this won't happen.
DH & BM let SS11 join the Ski Club - knowing his grades were horrid. Oh and SS11 is also going camping with the Boy Scouts this weekend. Go figure.
I just don't think that kids should be rewarded for poor grades but DH never makes the connection, neither does BM. They don't want to deprive SS11 of the experience. At least SS11'll have awesome memories of skiing and scouting when he flunks out of school.
I’m venting here so I don’t go off on DH later. I just want to stay out of it I never want to return to being the homework nag again.
~BettyRay
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Comments
We are living parallel
We are living parallel lives...... Except the boys scouts and ski club. My ss12 (also 6th grade) doesnt even have the motevation to wznt to do extra curriculars. He just wants ti watch TV.
Our finances are seperate -
Our finances are seperate - including retirement accounts.
DH has tried family counseling and when it gets hard BM stops going.
DH and I are fine because I've stepped back.
I just hate seeing the potential in SS11 and not being able to help SS11 progress because of DH and BM.
~BettyRay
For Peanut - I follow your
For Peanut - I follow your blogs and I agree. Except that SS11 isn't aggressive or violent he's just a couch slug. It's all about video games and TV.
~BettyRay
I think a lot of divorced
I think a lot of divorced parents feel this "fear" of being the "mean parent" or feel a large amount of guilt over the divorce and it cripples their ability to be the bad guy when needed, parent effectively and in turn causes the kid long term entitlement and coping problems.
Yes, this is a huge part of
Yes, this is a huge part of the problem.
BM wants to be her children's BFF. Therefore the boys see BM as an equal with no authority to enforce routine and rules. The boys run the show at BM's house.
BM is also a COD, she was raised that the world revolves around her. So she all about doing what she wants to do, what feels good and not what's right for the boys.
DH is the bad cop/enforcer but he's doesn't like doing it all the time so he slips and permissive parents.
DH's parents were very strict and DH never got to do any extracurriculars as a boys so he also tends to cave when it comes to the skids wanting to do something extra.
It's and no win situation.
~BettyRay
I wish our scoutmaster did
I wish our scoutmaster did this. This must be a great motivator for the boys.
~BettyRay
I know my SO feels the guilty
I know my SO feels the guilty mean parent thing. He can't stand up for himself for crap. And when he does, he totally caves a few days later and gives in to whatever princess wants.
sd14 is so mediocre it's crazy. She is in public school in the 8th grade. Before that she has gone to a private school up until her 7th grade year. Is she ahead or excelling like most kids in that situation?? NO!! She's barely passing her classes and her only advanced class is spanish. she told me she wasn't even sure how she got into that class. I think it was to fill the seats!!!
She's in dance team and that takes most of her time. She's soooooooo busy!! She's not really good at anything. You know with my kids, they each had something they really excelled at and enjoyed. I let them do that activity or whatever it was. I'm pretty surprised considering how smart my SO is and how well rounded he is that his daughter is such a lump of nothingness.
All she is worried about is designer labels and skanky clothes. And considers herself such a dancer. It actually makes me laugh. she's so uncoordinated except for her little hoochy dances!!! Dancing is not about being a stripper or exotic dancer. It's a true art form. Can't wait til that kid get's old enough to go to the club.....she's gonna love that!!
I have a teen (stb16) with
I have a teen (stb16) with ADHD and he's not on meds. His grades are not good. I am the HW Nazi. Every day I ask him about his HW. He always does it but if I wasn't on top of him, he'd most certainly miss more than his fair share of assignments.
Last night was parent/teacher night. I got his report card.
Here were his grades:
88 - Chemistry (B),
89 - HIstory 2 (B),
88 - Trials (B)
75 - Theology (D)
80 - English 3 (C)
70 - Geometry (D)
77 - Spanish 3 (C)
97 - Phys Ed
Every teacher said the same thing, he is working really hard, he does all his HW, he's a pleasure to have in class, he participates. He needs to focus & he misses a lot of the details. What do you say to that? I can't be mad at him. He brought up his English grade to an 80 from a 49, but it's still a C. He brought up his Math grade to a 70 from a 52, but it's still a D. You should have seen his face when I showed him his grades. His spirit dropped. Dealing with a kid with ADHD is such a slippery slope. Push too little and they don't excel, push too hard and they feel as if nothing they do is RIGHT. I felt bad yesterday. I KNOW he is working hard and I know that sitting still ALL DAY is SO hard for him. Any advice?
Ladyface - I'll never forget
Ladyface - I'll never forget the teacher last year that said to me "Your son's success is not going to come from his academics. It is going to come from his personality. He is one of the nicest kids I have ever had the pleasure of teaching. His C's may very well be everyone else's B's. Commend him on his efforts."
It made me feel better to know that the teachers SEE he's working hard. He IS trying and if the grading scale wasn't so odd at his school, (he goes to a Catholic HS) the grades wouldn't be as bad as they appear.
His mind wanders. It is just the nature of the beast with that stupid diagnosis. I am considering taking him to Yoga to try and help him develop some new techniques.
Thank you, I will keep that
Thank you, I will keep that in mind. As I was standing on line waiting for the teachers I'd peek over peoples shoulders to look at their kids report cards. Over and over I saw A's all across the board. I couldn't help but feel a little tinge of envy. I felt "Wow that must be nice to have a straight A student." I felt bad for my boy.
Tell him what you said here,
Tell him what you said here, that you don't want to push to hard and make him feel like he can't get it right, but you don't want to back off and watch him struggle. Tell him that you are happy to help, you are proud of him and list the specific grades you are proud of. Tell him what the teachers said, that he is a pleasure to have in class, that they see him trying. Explain to him that you saw him bring up one of his higher grades, so you know he can continue to bring up the ones that still need improving.
Hang in there! You are doing great! He is lucky to have you!
Thx AskYourDad. Funny, my
Thx AskYourDad. Funny, my husband said to him a few days ago, "What would you do without your mother?" This was in response to the daily convo at dinner about what HW he had to do. I had said "You have some Beowolf shit to do." He said "No I don't. We just have a Membean Quiz for English." So I got up, went to my purse and pulled out the 2 pages of questions that I had downloaded & printed at work. He looked at it and said "Dang it, this is due tomorrow?" I said "Yup, due tomorrow along with the Quiz you have to take tonight."
If I don't do that, he will have even worse grades. I feel as if I am helicopter parenting but what are my options? He needs me to help him in that way. It was my choice to NOT put him on meds so I have to be ok with giving him the extra help.
Don't let the term
Don't let the term "helicopter" parent hinder you from doing what's right. Your ss has specific needs that you are going above and beyond to meet. If he had diabetes you would make sure he had his medicine. This is the same thing, you are providing for him what he needs to succeed.
That said, I am no expert, and I don't have any real ideas to offer but I'm sure there is research available, when he gets to a certain age there are probably some tools you can use to help him to stay organized and know what is expected. You are doing great right now, but he will also need to be able to help himself when it comes to long term success. Does that make sense? I didn't mean it condescending in any way, I have a brother who is on the autism spectrum, he is in his late 20s and doing well, he has a job and an apartment and it wasn't something that just came naturally, he has had to, and continues to have to make extra efforts.
Completely 100% know where
Completely 100% know where you are coming from. He is a Jr in HS and I am really thinking about what is going to happen when he is in college. Sometimes, when he is in his argumentative state, he'll say to me "I don't have to log on mom, I know what I have to do for HW, it's in my assignment pad." so I'll say "Really? You're sure there's nothing else? Ok, I'll shut my mouth then." He'll stare at me for a few and then storm down to the computer, mumbling to himself all the way. "Watch, I bet you there's nothing there. You're so annoying, OMG, I'm tired, I've been up since 5:30am, my body hurts from practice, I want to go to bed."
And sure enough, 9 times outta 10, there is something there that he would have missed. How do I know? He'll last a good 30 minutes on the computer and I can hear the printer spitting out pages.
We all do the best we can.
We all do the best we can. You obviously put in a lot of effort and care. Keep up the good work, hugs to you on the days that seem like more of a struggle than the others. As long as you keep his best interest at heart I'm sure it will all work out.
i've been doing a lot of
i've been doing a lot of research on this subject lately for ss10.
here's what i've seen - being a homework nazi is a good thing for adhd. they need structure and routine most (homework,daily done at 6:30 p.m., done in x location, and has x materials already prepared if needed). maybe he could also benefit from a routine at school ensuring he actually turns in the homework (you may have to get teachers involved to have it accepted - maybe each day before school actually begins he can go from class to class and turn it in then? or each class when he sits down, he takes out his pen, notebook, and homework beforehand?)
as far as the in-class stuff, from what i've read that's much harder to handle when u're not present.
kids w/ add/adhd can and do focus - they just have a harder time choosing to focus on the correct thing (the ladybug on the windowsill instead of the quiz in front of him, for example)
i've also read they thrive on the positives. your son's done a hell of a job getting his grades up. he has more room for improvement, yes, but he's shown and proven that he CAN make improvements and needs to keep up the good work.
side note - u see his gym grade? i've read kids with adhd need much more physical stimulation. is he involved in sports? or volunteering? or can u make him do much more yard work or somehting to get his blood flowing?
TuffNoogies - He gets home
TuffNoogies - He gets home from school close to 7pm. He is a football player. It has been his saving grace. He is able to burn all that frenetic energy on the field and I fully believe it has helped him with the excess energy in class.
What I said to him was the following.
I am very proud of you because I know how hard it was to get these grades. I also know that if you can do THIS well, you can do a little bit better. Our goal for next quarter is - All the B's, let's try and push them to A's or at the very least, let's get them all to 90's, (still B's but 90's are so much nicer than high 80's) all the C's let's push them to B's and let's get those D's outta there and make them C's.
Let me know what I can do to help. I could still see how disappointed he was, but I was really proud of him. I know he is trying & I know it is just not all entirely under his control.
awww *hugs* what u said was
awww *hugs* what u said was sweet.
it seems like you really are doing all you can!!
maybe his disappointment will help motivate him to continued improvement.
i've been trying different techniques w/ yss with some improvement. i dread middle and highschool for him...
I agree, the disappointment
I agree, the disappointment might light a fire under his ass. I am hopeful and I will continue to try and help however I can.
Congrats to your teen
Congrats to your teen Unfreakingreal!
I'd be thrilled if SS11 was getting these grades!
Conferences were similar for DH teaches said SS11 is a pleasure to have in class and that he gets along well with others. The teachers di note that he rushes through assignments and then turns them in incomplete or forgets to turn them in.
We have a routine at our house but BM's routine is chaos. And EOWeekend and one overnight during the week isn't enough to make a difference.
The thing is SS11 needs the extra push to succeed. SS11 asked me for homework help last weekend he had a test to study for and a writing assigment. Because of the ADD I had him break up to work into 20 minute incraments. He worked on the writing assignment Saturday, two 20 minute sessions and it was complete.
As for studying for the test SS11 studied for the test 20 minutes on Friday night, 20 minutes, twice on Saturday and 20 minutes, twice on Sunday. I just reminded him to do it. And SS11 got a B on the test! I'm so proud of him.
I know SS11 could be a B student if BM and DH would step up and get SS11 into a routine plus give him reminders and check his homework with him.
But I know if I step back in, my good intentions will back-fire.
~BettyRay
Thanks BettyRay I appreciate
Thanks BettyRay I appreciate that. It's funny, that's how I have BS15 study too! In increments of 15 minutes. Anything longer than that and forget it, he gets frustrated. Everyday my son comes home and he says "Look mom." he pulls out every graded assignment. He is SO proud of himself and I can't help but feel happy for him too. It has been a VERY LONG and winding road with him so seeing the progress is really a treat.
Read this. Just saw it on
Read this. Just saw it on news this morning. Jaw dropping. Wouldn't it be nice to get 15% of a paycheck for not showing up? Long run, we are setting kids up to be entitled and mediocre. http://www.newsobserver.com/2013/10/29/3323896/wake-schools-looking-at-g...
While I don't think kids
While I don't think kids should be rewarded for doing ZERO work, I can see the side of a Zero knocking a kids chance of passing out of the water. My son received a Zero in English for handing in an assignment handwritten when he had been instructed to type it in MLA format. That zero, really screwed him up because despite having 90's and 100's on every assignment AFTER that, he still only had a C as his final grade.
The teacher was unreasonable and COULD have either A - asked him to type it and hand it in the next day or B - given him points off for not following instructions. I think the Zero was a bit harsh.
^^^agreed.^^^^ he should have
^^^agreed.^^^^ he should have been docked, but he did the work and earned something. Not handing in anything? And getting 15%? Ridiculous.
Im a teacher. Some of us are
Im a teacher. Some of us are real jerks. Thankfully not many...
I've always had a problem
I've always had a problem with the "he'll miss out" school of thought. How about when he misses out on LIFE because he was a total failure in school? My MIL signed the papers for CTBB to drop out @ 15, he didn't get his shit together until age 30. Luckily, he IS really organically smart, and he learned a trade. But jeez.... so may years wasted, so he wouldn't "miss out" on the waterpark, or " be bored" (WTF :jawdrop: ) in high school.
I KWYM. SS16 got to do every
I KWYM.
SS16 got to do every extra thing so he "wouldn't miss out" and just phoned in his academics. He's really smart and doesn't need to put in the extra work that SS11 does.
Well now he's a junior and has decided that he wants to go to the flagship university in our state. SS16 just found out today that he's short the minimum academic credits needed to get into said university and will have take 2 classes in summer school to get the credits. He'll also have to go to a 2-year state school to get his GPA high enough to get into the flagship university. So SS16 is like F that.
Well where were DH and BM when SS16 was signing up for the easy classes? This is what happens when parents don't parent. I used to tell DH that SS16 has a pretty easy course load and should take harder classes but OH NO I was wrong, SS16 had it all figured out. How's that working for you DH and BM?
~BettyRay
Betty Ray, and of course you
Betty Ray, and of course you were "mean" for questioning his credits. Priceless!
That's right I was mean and
~BettyRay
Our 3 kids didn't get the
Our 3 kids didn't get the "just a kid " excuse, why did SS? Well into his 20's? Even tho DH and I were married/ totally independent as teenagers? Makes me so angry!
Yes, I get angry too. The
Yes, I get angry too. The longer the skids are coddled the harder it will be for them to mature into responsible adults (IMHO).
My parents pushed me academically in HS and it has helped me so much. I earned college credits when I was a senior in HS. Saved me so much time and money in college. Of course at the time I was pissed at the the homework I had to do but it was totally worth it.
~BettyRay