soon to be step brat face problem kids
I am currently engaged to a man who has two children. His daughter is 18 and his son is 15. I don't even know where to begin but am glad that I can vent about this. My fiancée and I dated for a while and lived separately. His children are such problem children. I have twins that are 15. Where to begin where to begin. His daughter dropped out of high school and is engaged to guy that is 22 and lives with her fiancée's grandparents. They did live with my fiancée at his apartment before we moved in. one of my rules was that they cannot stay the night because they are not married. my fiancée smokes pot with his daughter and fiancée which I TOTALLY disagree with. How can you parent your child when you are being her buddy and encouraging bad habits? His daughter has never worked and he is always having to buy toiletries and trying to help her. His son oh my gosh. he has tried committing suicide is gay ( not that there is anything wrong with that) has went and told the counselor at his school his dad smokes pot. has been back and forth with dad has cussed his father out and tried to fight him. my fiancée and I have wayyyy difff parenting styles. while I love my two and believe in fun I am their parent! I am not their friend. his two children have never done anything to me personally but I don't hide the fact that I despise them both. I think they are trouble and feel like they are going to impact my son to be husband i's future with their drama and bad decisions. this is tearing my fiancée and I up and I don't know how to stop how I feel. this weekend my son to be step bratface came down to stay. I mean his kids are so bad that when we got our house to rent the current landlord had talked to his past landlord and because of the problems they caused him at his apartment they are not even allowed to be on the lease. I don't expect him to write his children off at all but how can I accept them? I don't trust either one of them at all. especially his son. and to top it all off my two children are embarrassed by his son. his on live with his mother in a different town so they wont be going to the same school. how or is there any way to change how I feel? my fiancée is so nice to my children and has nothing bad to say about them. which makes me feel about yay big. I am always bitching about his two and the problems they have caused. and am always cautious of his son. I mean he has let them smoke cigarettes knows his son cuts has let his 18 year old daughter sleep in bed with her boyfriend under his roof. ok I know I am ranting but I feel at such a loss. I love him but do I. how can I love him and not love part of him his kids. I feel sick thinking about having a close relationship with them. I don't hide my feelings either which has driven my fiancée to say he may leave me over this. oh yeah did I mention their mother is the epitimey of bad mothers. he married her three different times "for the children" she doesn't parent them. she dyes my soon to be step son's hair and lets him get piercings lets him skip school. it is ridiculous. o k rant over glad I found this site to vent...
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"I think they are trouble and
"I think they are trouble and feel like they are going to impact my son to be husband i's future with their drama and bad decisions."
- they are showing you who they are now, before marriage. your eyes are wide open, why would you go into a marriage when you know this to be a fact?
"I don't hide my feelings either which has driven my fiancée to say he may leave me over this"
- really???? why isn't he on his hands and knees begging YOU not to leave him?
look hon, the way things stand now his kids will infect your children. if he's not willing to stop being a friend to his kids and starts being a parent and starts protecting your minor children from them, why would you consider marriage? men don't listen to bitching and moaning, they listen to ACTIONS. lay it on the line to this ass...either he straightens up NOW, or you're out of there. and stand by your words. write a list of rules and he agrees or he can kick rocks. "blending" a family is tough enough, why ask for trouble?
Why would you want to subject
Why would you want to subject you and your children to this?
My children are pretty strong
My children are pretty strong willed but you are right ? I am at a loss because financially he pays most the bills. I am trying to get into nursing school so I can make more money and leave. I don't feel like anything will change with his children at all. so I know I hve to get out. plus bummer we already signed a year lease we cannot break ugh
This "man" has blessed you
This "man" has blessed you with being able to see how HE is and will be BEFORE you say "I do". He is basically handing you a "get out of this relationship free card", he is a piss poor parent and nothing will change unless YOU find the courage and strength to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and LEAVE! If you want to be with him and make things actually work YOU need to make it happen! YOU need to point blank tell him that unless MANY THINGS change, YOU ARE DONE, and mean it! As they say...ACTIONS speak LOUDER than words!
Show this man that YOU MEAN BUSINESS or go find BETTER for you and your boys, YOU ALL DESERVE IT!
Oh my! bottom line is no
Oh my! bottom line is no matter how much you love this guy, do you really want YOUR kids to live in this disfunction??? So not fair to them. And I disagree with the others here who are telling you to lay down the law so to speak. These kids and your FDH are NOT going to change. I would bet every last cent I have on it. And lets just say for agruments sake that they DID change? they will resent YOU and your kids for "ruining" their so called way of life.
I'm sorry, but I just don't see a light at the end of this tunnel...
Wait, this guy supports his
Wait, this guy supports his adult, engaged daughter and does illegal drugs with her and you're worried about his Kids being a bad influence on yours?? The bad influence on your kids here is this guy your apparently hoping to marry for some reason I haven't quite worked out.
His kids aren't going away. They aren't going to suddenly become less trouble. He's already telling you maybe it should be over because of how you feel about his children. Marriage will not fix any of these problems. It will simply make it hard for you to leave and do the right thing for yourself and your children. Your guy will probably continue to support his daughter. Not just until she gets married, but likely for years or forever. Your stepson to be sounds like he needs serious help that mommy and daddy are in denial about.
I know you love him and all... but he's not going to fix the things you have issues with. Is this seriously a dynamic you want to live with for the rest of your life? Is it the dynamic you want to show your children as a good, healthy relationship that you hope they can have when they're old enough? This is what you want them to look up to as a Man, as a role model? Cause if you marry him,that's what you're saying to your kids. If he's good enough for you to marry, he's good enough for your kids to imitate. Will you be proud of your children if they become adults like this guy?
Excellent points and a great
Excellent points and a great way to look at it!
I hope that the OP looks at it this way and makes the right choice for her and her kids no matter how hard this may be.
OP - YOU & YOUR KIDS DESERVE BETTER!!!
I keep hoping thins will
I keep hoping thins will change and theydont'
You do know that just because
You do know that just because you fall in love with a trashy guy you do not have to spend the rest of your life with him?
I am really trying guys. his
:jawdrop: I am really trying guys. his kids cannot come down all the time. I have a feeling his problem son is going to have some bully catastrophe and want to move in with us which is a no no on the lase at least for a year. I am thinking when the lease if is up I am moving on. his kids are not going to change and the way he parents then is not going to either. we don't even make love anymore because he feels I a too mean about them. has anyone else been in such a crazy situation?