SD's Attempt to Ruin the 4th of July and FDH's Non-Attempt to Do Anything About Her
As I've mentioned before, my YSD (just turned 12) is a complete mess. She stopped going to school in February because of her "anxiety". She had to have a tutor come twice a week and get her through the school year. She has no friends. She does nothing but sit on her computer 24 hours a day. When you try to get her to do anything other than be on the computer (beach, pool, evening walk, read a book, go to school etc...) she throws a massive tantrum.
It was my theory that if she had computer time limited consistently, this issue would clear up. Her first therapist even told FDH and BM the same thing. They tried for like a day and were both too lazy to be consistent. She's off the charts now. In fact, she's at the point where she barely bathes.
So, imagine my excitement when I realized her weekday visit fell on the the Fourth of July. I knew it was going to be a mess. I wish I had posted my predictions yesterday to prove that almost everything I thought would happen did happen.
I told FDH to email BM to make sure SD knew we were picking her up and going straight to a friend's block party. I wanted her dressed appropriately and prepared. Of course, we pick her up and she looks like she had just rolled out of bed (it was 530PM). Her hair wasn't brushed. She was wearing shorts that you'd only wear around the house and a big giant hooded sweatshirt (for an outdoor party in major heat!). I am not even certain she'd had a shower that day. I was livid but kept it to myself.
We get to the party and she refuses to get out of the car. It took FDH 10 minutes to coax her crazy ass out of the car!! She started playing up her diabetes hoping he'd take her home so she could go on her computer.
He set up our chairs and she plops down and proceeds to look sad and pissed for the next hour. Now mind you, there were tons of kids there all having fun. There were TWO really good bands that played. She is supposedly a musician so you'd think that would be enjoyable, but no. Half the time she had her hood on with her head down on the cooler. It was embarrassing. At least three people asked me what was wrong with his kid. She outright ignored adults who said hello to her (seriously just stared at them like a freak). She refused to take her insulin for 30 minutes while FDH pleaded... it went on.
One hour into it (and two hours before the city's fireworks) she starts whining to FDH that she wants to go home. And of course, he coddles her in his responses. I finally said "Look SD, we are not leaving for several hours. There are two hours until the fireworks and we WILL watch them. Then after there will be a ton of traffic so we won't be leaving for at least an hour after that." Actually, that got her to shut up. No idea why FDH can't be stern with her. It works.
Then, of course, FDH felt the need to 100% entertain her so the two of them get up without inviting me and go over to where people were shooting off fireworks in the street. I didn't know where they went until I found them. I thanked FDH for including me and walked away.
SD finally started to enjoy herself then. And later, of course, this is the only part of the party that FDH remembers "she turned around in the end". OK-- she acted like a completely embarrassing jack ass for two hours but lets just forget about that.... ARGH.
So I just decided that since he wanted to spend the whole party coddling her and entertaining her while all the other kids there entertained themselves, I went to hang with my friends. We ended up having a wonderful time without my date and his ridiculous kid. I even let them take my car home and I caught a ride later.
When I got home SD was supposedly sleeping. I saw her laptop charging in the living room. I noticed she got up and was hiding out in the bathroom around 1AM. I was convinced she planned to steal her laptop as soon as she thought we were sleeping. So I took it and plugged it in in our room.
I told FDH earlier this week after a horrible weekend with her that he either needs to address her computer addiction and defiance or not but I have no intention of living with her as a teen and adult who won't even get off the computer long enough to shower and who makes all non-computer related activities completely miserable. He said he'd make an appointment for the two of us to meet with her counselor for suggestions on this topic. No appointment was made.
He called me a while ago and said I sounded "down". Well, dude, what the hell do you expect? How many times have I told you that you need to address your daughter's behavior and how many times have you buried your head in the sand?? She's getting worse by the minute and NOTHING is being done. He said he'd call the counselor today to make an appointment.
I am just SO frustrated with this scene. I can't stand the thought of breaking up with him. He is so wonderful in so many ways. But between BM and this kid, I can barely take another minute of it. Why should my life completely suck when she's around? Why can't we be normal people who go to family parties without being the ones with the weird, rude kid?? Why won't he do something about it?? RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
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I am going to look into
I am going to look into setting up different logins. I hear there is a way to limit different users. BUT, the real issue here is the parents. They need to actually parent. I am just sick of living with the consequences of their crappy choices.
I just don't not get these
I just don't not get these people that cater to their kids crazy. IF this kid has an anxiety disorder then the best way to fix it is exposure. Exposure to situations that make her anxious. If being around people make her anxious, well then the cure is in being around people not locking yourself away and living in cyberspace. Anxiety disorder aside, no child of that age needs that much screen time. What is she doing on her computer by the way? i'd be interested to know that.
Frankly, If I was your bf I'd just tell her no computer at my house. Wouldn't he want her to broaden her horizons, lead a more balanced life, have more activities to chose from?
It bothers him but here's the
It bothers him but here's the problem:
1- He feels like limiting her here (to just FOUR hours a day) causes her to not want to visit. That is true.
2- If BM isn't making necessary changes in her home, he feels like whatever he does is useless.
She's really into anime. So she basically watches cartoons, goes on message boards and talks to other anime freaks who are living in their parents' basements.
I agree with you 100% about exposure. And I've done some recent reading on computer addiction at her age and she fits the bill completely. The answer is to make them do other things and nip it in the bud. I asked him recently if he would handle it the same way if she was addicted to drugs or was sneaking out to meet boys at night. I said "Would you allow her to do those things out of fear that she won't want to visit you or because her mom lets her??". This is just as damaging.
I am hoping that if he does make the appt for us to meet her counselor, we can clue the counselor in on this. I, for one, am certain that Mother of the Year BM has not once mentioned that she allows her daughter to do NOTHING but play on a computer 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
Aw, thanks. A camp like that
Aw, thanks.
A camp like that sounds great. But the problem is that she's diabetic and I doubt they'd send her to the wildnerness. Also, if they really don't see what a problem it is and keep excusing her behavior, they won't be looking for a solution and certainly won't do anything to make it stick when she got home.
How hard is it to have rules and stick to them? I mean, when both households did the limitation thing for a short period, it DID work. Her whole personality changed. I thought that they would see the benefits of being consistent. But they were too lazy.
The program is called Outward
The program is called Outward Bound. Kids go camping and do different outdoor activities.
Surprisingly, she is actually
Surprisingly, she is actually going to Diabetes camp this summer for a week. No screens allowed there and lots of outdoor stuff. But one week will not do it. And the second she gets home it will be right back to the same thing.
I know a lot of you have the
I know a lot of you have the "not my kid, not my problem" attitude and that's just fine. I definitely agree that the parents need to do the parenting. But should I have to take an inappropriately dressed, rude child to a party with my friends? No. And that will be the last time, for the record. He can stay home with her. Sad I'd have to celebrate the 4th without my SO, but hey, I pretty much did anyway.
I told him recently that he either figures this out and does something about it or I am completely, 100% stepping away from her. I will not want to hear ONE single word about her school issues and whatever else befalls her because of this. He, of course, does not want that. He says he knows he needs to parent better and doesn't want me walking away from it because 1- he likes my suggestions and 2- doesn't want SD and I to not like each other (mainly doesn't want her feeling like I don't like her).
I told him I am in a no-win situation. If I disengage and allow this to continue, I will be stuck trying to spend one night a week and every other weekend occupying myself out of the house because I can't stand being in it with her when she's like this. And then I will have to live with the adult she becomes and this will never, ever end. That's not a promising thought. But staying involved when he's not committed to fixing this issue is like swimming upstream every day and I am sick of it. At this point, it's on him to figure it out. And maybe he will when he realizes I am serious about stepping away from her completely (and possibly him if he can't do the right thing for everyone).
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being mean at all.
I am just aware that if she doesn't snap out of this and becomes a slug adult, FDH will want her to live here. The other night he said something like "well, when you have kids, you never know if they will live with you when they are adults-- they could get sick or have mental health issues". I said "I want to be clear. Schizophrenia is a mental health issue that may make the person need to live with their parents. Not being able to control computer use and opting out of life is not the same. If you want SD or any other kid to live with us as an adult who doesn't have a REAL reason to live on their own, you will be doing so alone. I absolutely am not signing up for that shit."
Even with schizophrenia-in
Even with schizophrenia-in face ALL mental health dx-people are encouraged to live as independently as possible. For some this may mean a group home setting, others than own apartment with assistance. There is NO reason for these folks to live with their mommy and daddys' for the rest of their lives.
I agree with you about your appearance. I started refusing to take ss places when he was around that age. If you stink-you are not getting in my car. I'm not willing to be seen with you in public. I initially started quietly telling dh-he would tell ss to shower or what not-but then he would neglect to stand there and make sure he did it. SS would just not do it then try and get in the car anyway. So I started having to be direct with him-that he did not look or smell or what ever it was appropriate for the event we were attending. Sorry. Your bf (hopefully) will come to his senses and realize he is missing out on lots of dates and special time with his lady because he doesn't want to make his daughter shower or get off the damn computer.
The fact that she can and is willing to go to camp without her screen time is a good thing. It also shows you and your bf that she can do other things and enjoy herself-she just needs someone to force her to step away from the screen. she may be mad initially if her time is limited, but perhaps dh can take that opportunity to introduce her to some other appropriate activities and she can learn to be a more balanced individual and will not miss the screen so much.
I agree with you on the
I agree with you on the independence issue, even with serious mental health issues. His sister is schizophrenic and lives with his mother. So he thinks that's normal. My concern is that he's already setting the expectation that he thinks SD has mental issues and as such, will be living with us later. Um, NO.
I disengaged for a while several months ago. I stopped going on all family outings because she was making me miserable. I started going out when the kids were here or staying at a friend's in another town a lot more frequently. He hated it. He got jealous that I was out having fun while he was home with the kids. He changed some things around and I started to stay home more. (Frankly, I would prefer to be home if this wasn't happening and don't think it's fair I have to plan to be away because he can't make her act normal). I have a feeling that if I pull back again, he may get his head out of his ass. But I hope we don't have to go that route. I'd much prefer him to make the counselor appointment so we can get some help with her and also let her counselor know what is really happening here. Not keeping up with hygiene is a sign of serious computer addiction.
She went to camp last year too. Didn't help. But I was surprised she wanted to go this year b/c she has withdrawn completely from life now. He can't get her to do ANYTHING-- not even stuff that most people her age would enjoy. I tried to explain to him that given a choice of fun activity or computer, she will always choose the computer. The choice needs to be made for her. That's like asking an alcoholic if they'd prefer to have their evening cocktails or would like to go for a hike.
You need to inform your SO
You need to inform your SO that her living with you as an adult WILL NEVER BE AN OPTION. No ifs, ands, or buts.
And mean it. You are "afraid" he might want her to live with you? You owe it to him to be upfront and honest that is NOT a possibility ever under any circumstances.
I might not have done myself
I might not have done myself justice. It was CRYSTAL clear that she and/or her siblings will not be living with me. They can live with him. Good luck finding a new woman in that scenario, man.
How controlled is her
How controlled is her diabetes? Diabetics are more prone to depression and other maladaptive thinking. It gets worse when your numbers are up. Exercise is one of the best ways to keep the blood sugar down. Too much can drive them through the floor though. Sitting in front of a screen all the time is more detrimental to her than a normal kid. If she gets psychiatric help, be aware that antidepressants can react very wrong for her.
How so? If her own kid was
How so? If her own kid was acting like a little asshole all the time, she'd probably take her to counseling.
But it isn't her kid, and she has no control over this situation, just the unpleasant reality that in the eyes of everyone watching she is responsible for this child's behavior.
She's selfish for wanting her DH to step the fuck up and parent?
Mmmmkay.