I have been freaking out lately and think I am going a little crazy!
Ok-ss will be 15 in two days-he has not stepped foot in our house since june of last year. He lived with us for 4 months-prior to that he had not lived with us since 2007. Big gaps of time in which no visits occurred as dh was in Iraq or various spots due to military service and was not living with us.
Anywho, about a month ago I had a dream about a camping trip we took in 2009. Something happened on this trip that I literally guess I had repressed until this dream triggered it. We went camping-and had a big 7 person tent for the 4 kids (2 boys and 2 girls) and one smaller one for us. DD and SS were both 11, ds 10 and dd was 7. Basically arranged the kids in the tent before we got in ours and had ss against one wall, then ds, then dd7, then dd11 against the other wall. My dd told me the next morning she woke up with ss pressed up against her back. She immediately got up. I certainly thought that was strange, but thought maybe he got up in the middle of the night and just stumbled in the tent and laid down in the wrong spot? Weak, I know, but I could not imagine that he'd purposely try to press up against her. So the following night-I even faced the boys in a different direction, put dd11 and ss11 farthest away from one another again. It happened again. I told dh that he needed to address this with ss as surely it couldnt be an accident to happen two nights in a row. He did address it and of course ss said he just rolled over or some such nonsense-which how could he have rolled over two other kids?
So I freaking knew this-we left that day, dropped ss off at bm's and probably didnt see him for another month. I do remember talking briefly to dh about if we ever went camping again we'd do separate boy/girl tents. Then that's it. Literally. I dont ever remember thinking of it again until I had this dream last month. I kid you not. Every other thing ss has done I've held onto like forever and have never been able to get over-but THAT I wipe from my memory? WTF? When I woke up that morning, the memory of that flooded over me and I was literally sick to my stomach. Since then I have thought of it every day, questioning myself on how on earth I could have let this go? What the hell was I thinking? I should have beat his ass black and blue and never allowed him to darken my doorstep again! I didnt even speak to him about it-which is soooo out of character for me. Like I said, other things ss has done I've been like a dog with a bone-confronting him until he spilled the truth, going on and on about consequences and making sure dh imposed them, etc-I am sick even typing this. I feel so horrible and like a terrible mother.
I dont think he fondled her or any of that-she did not report any of that just waking up with him pressed against the back of her. I dont even know if SHE remembers it and I'm a little afraid to bring it up as I dont want to make it an issue if she doesnt think it is an issue, kwim? However I know it is an issue.
So since that day I had the dream I've gone on to have others-like last night I dreamed that ss took a gun to school and searched the hallways for my two kids to kill them. In the dream, my ds had stayed home from school and dd hid so they were ok but ss shot others. In the aftermath fingers were pointed at me, for knowing ss was dangerous but not doing anything about it. Freakishly enough, I get up this morning and find out dh has already granted permission for my ds to stay at home-so I have literally been on edge all day.
I have also had dreams in which my inlaws have shown up with guns and have ended up setting our house on fire.
I hesitated to share any of this, because I already feel like the worlds most horrible person that I let this go, and I really am not at the point in which I can handle hearing what I should have done or that I chose my man over my kids or any of that-I absolutely swear that I literally wiped this incident from my memory until last month. Since that time Ive done nothing but turn it over in my mind wondering what the hell I should do with it if anything.
I am looking for some kindly advice or thoughts on what I should do with this.
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You guys are too kind.
You guys are too kind. Really. I feel like such a pos. I let the camping thing go and then let him keep visiting and eventually move back in so that he could then steal her panties! I just can't figure out what I was thinking.
I don't know if I should talk to dh, talk to my dd, just drop it, or what?
The kids are in school together. My dd has a locker right next to ss and gym with him. I am also getting worried about my ds already as he moves up from the middle school next year and could have classes with ss as well since ss has failed half his freshman classes. My dd will tell me if he looks at her funny, but my ds would never open his mouth- he's like a vault.
Things have actually been really good here. Quiet, peaceful. Which did make me consider that maybe I finally felt "safe" enough for all this to come out and begin dealing with it or again perhaps I'm just losing it. My dream last night was so real- it really frightened me.
You're not a bad mother. Who
You're not a bad mother. Who would ever anticipate something as sick as what your SS did. No one wants to believe that such a sick boy is the son of the man they love. And I'm sure it must be hard on your DH to face the fact his own flesh and blood is a sick puppy. And what a culture shock! Don't beat yourself up.
But have you talked to a therapist about all this? I would find a compassionate therapist who will give you understanding and kindness and help you decide what if any next steps to take. My concern is these thoughts are not going away. You've tucked them away for as long as you can, in order to cope, and now they've caught up with you, it seems, whether you're ready to deal or not. I don't think I'd ever be "ready" to deal with this.
I'd recommend you do what you need to do to take care of yourself first, as in, therapy and other things. This self-hatred may be okay for a day or two, but it cannot and should not continue, it's not good for you or your children.
I have thought about a
I have thought about a therapist. I myself had a huge role in raising ss since he was 2 so it was not just hard believing that the man I loved had a kid like this, but that a kid that I had loved and had a big role in raising was like this! The kids were raised together as sibs so we innocently never anticipated any of this. Ironically I am a therapist myself which I think makes things worse as I tell myself I should've seen the red flags, I should have known better! Thanks though for the kind words.
I doubt that DD remembers the
I doubt that DD remembers the incident, or if she does, probably is not that significant to her. You seem to be beating up on yourself for no reason. It probably would help you to talk to someone face to face about all this - either a therapist or a trusted friend who is not too involved with your family.
Something I learned when I was training as a couple counsellor, is to always ask "why now?" is there a reason this has all boiled up in you at this particular moment? Was 15 a significant age for YOU?
You've nothing to feel guilty
You've nothing to feel guilty about. You said you'd raised him since he was 2 so the kids have grown up as siblings. As someone said, it's easier to see red flags in other people's lives as you're not personally and emotionally involved, and it's understandable that you'd think there was a reasonable explanation for what happened on the camping trip as the kids were like brother and sister and were only 11 years old. It's not your fault that your ss is growing up to be a weirdo and no one could be expected to foresee it from one small incident that happened when he was only 11. It sounds like your dd wasn't particular upset by it at the time and she may well have forgotten about it but she sounds like a mature and sensible girl so if it's bothering you I would mention it and see what she remembers about it, as long as you're careful not to make a big deal out of it. I've read some of your previous blogs and I think you've done the best you can for your ss but you've come to the point where he's too much of a risk to have near the other kids and you have, quite rightly, had to put their safety first. The nightmares are probably a sign of the stress you're suffering and the underlying fears you have about what your ss might do next, and the bad dreams may well have triggered the memories of the camping trip. I really admire the way you seem to deal with things and I hope you can find some peace of mind.
Sometimes those benchmarks
Sometimes those benchmarks like birthdays act as triggers and set off the anxiety and anger that you carefully keep under wraps most of the time. When things have gone so badly wrong with a stepchild you have invested a lot of time and care in, and you are naturally a very conscientious person, there is a tendency to go over the past again and again thinking what you should have done differently and trying to work out where it all went wrong. This happens to me a lot, some small thing, like building a snowman will set me off about SS and I will be right there in the turmoil reliving conversations and events and trying to work out what I should have done differently and whether its all my fault.
It's easy to see why you tried not to overreact to that camping incident. You tried to think the best of SS until that was no longer possible. At least you know that you gave him a chance. If you had gone the other way you might be here now worrying that you had misjudged him and driven him into weird behaviour like a self fulfilling prophecy. Your daughter is probably completely unaware of that incident and completely unaffected. You are working yourself up into a state of anxiety which is triggering other dreams and more anxiety. Try to let it go and get off the hamster wheel. .
I do appreciate everyone's
I do appreciate everyone's feedback-it does make me feel lots better. I did always try and give ss LOTS of chances. I was very conscious that he was not my bio and I never wanted him to feel as if he were treated differently because of it-so whenever i handled a situation with him I always tried to make sure I was very fair. I would question myself over and over and honestly probably leaned too much in the direction of letting things slide since I never wanted to be TOO tough on him lest i become the "wicked sm" sterotype.
I've just never in my life "repressed" something like this. I have a excellent memory-dh and I joke about it all the time-and I have literally held onto things ss said to me 10 years ago that hurt my feelings-so this you would think would be something that I'd at least wonder about over the years. It scares me even more that I did repress as I feel like that was my mind telling myself that he absolutely was up to something creepy. I do know what triggered me to remember it all. DD15 mentioned something about the trip-unrelated to ss-about the people camping next to us-I'm not sure why she brought it up or what it was even connected to but it was either that night or a few nights later that i had the dream about it. Of course, that makes me all paranoid wondering if that was dd's way of trying to bring up the incident?
I've been wanting to talk to dh about it, but at the same time do not want to open old wounds if there is no purpose. However, I do know that ss "confessed" a bunch of things to dh last year at this time-things that dh said he didnt even know about. Dh wanted me to "listen" to ss's confessions as well (he'd already confessed to dh then I came home from work at 10pm after working a 12 hour day so just wasnt up to hearing it). Since I said that then was not a good time, I never ended up hearing any of it and none of it was ever repeated. But I do wonder if this is one of the things he "confessed".
I might be good for you to
I might be good for you to ask DH about his confessions so you don't have it in the back of your mind... I think you are a great mom and was a great SM to your SS but his constant barrage of negative words/actions have destroyed the relationship. I know in the past you have talked about your DH's PTSD I think us stepmoms at some point have a break...we should call it PTSMD post traumatic step mother disorder lol though seriously the stress levels that you and your family have endured its no wonder its manifesting in your dreams, its like we have been conditioned to not enjoy the peace and quiet when we have it because something in the step realm always seems to come in and squash us. I think counseling would help with your concerns/fears..