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MY HUSAND IS CHEATING ON ME HEEEEEEELP

stepmomto2many's picture

Submitted by stepmomto2many on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 11:06am

I went into his emails I saw the emails and the pictures he was sending out. He is not home and wont answer my text. My heart aches please help

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VioletsareBlue's picture

Submitted by VioletsareBlue on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 11:08am

I'm so sorry. I don't have any good advice except do what you know you need to do for you.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 11:14am

I am so sorry SM2M, you need to find yourself a place to stay and just get out of there. Don't wait for him to give you a "good reason". There is no good reason. Be strong, and do what you know you need to do.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 11:17am

So the question for YOU not him is can you live with this? Is this a bunch of women or an affair with one? Would it make any difference to you if he was having casual sex with a bunch of women or if he was in love with one?

For me personally I've been very, very, very hurt - almost destroyed emotionally by cheating. My DH knows that and I've told him that if he cheated even a casual ONS it would be the equivalent of beating me to a pulp. But that's me not you.

The problem with a guy chasing a lot of skirts is that they rarely stop. It's the thrill of the chase that they can't give up. But if he is truly having an affair and thinks he is in love with another woman you may have no choice in the matter.

You have some tough times ahead. I'm sorry. Even if you two can agree on how to work thru it, it can take years to recover.

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 12:08pm

I know firsthand about the thrill of the chase. I thought my DH was having an affair too. Emails, pictures, etc. It was awful. It wasn't an actual affair, just a series of chases. I shouldn't say "just" because it was as bad as having an actual physical affair. He didn't even like some of these women. He was just seeing how far he could get them to go from behind the safety of his computer. It was sick. He seriously saw it as a game. I couldn't get past it, eventually went to counseling and got some strength, scared him to think I would leave over his sleazy behavior, and he went to counseling on his own. To the best of my knowledge he has managed to stop this behavior, although honestly I will never trust him completely. Breaks my heart, and his.

Please don't take this as "hope" that your DH is not having an affair. As far as I was concerned, my DH did have a series of affairs, but they didn't require testing for STDs. That's the only difference. Our relationship has been forever changed. I still love him, but it's not the same.

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 11:18am

Is there anywhere you can go, to be with someone?

I think stop trying to reach him ... Let him come to you. Don't tell him all your thoughts right now, he is clearly not on your side.!!

Hugs and it will get better!!! Sad

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 11:29am

PERFECT advice here ^^^^^

I'm sorry you're going through this. Been there, done that. It's no fun. But, be thankful you found out and can do something about it before something worse should happen.

Good luck and let me know if there's anything I can do! Sad

fedup13's picture

Submitted by fedup13 on Wed, 04/17/2013 - 2:18am

^^THIS!!!!!!!^^

And I am so sorry. I have been on the receiving end of this kind of emotional blow. I am so truly sorry.

Journey1982's picture

Submitted by Journey1982 on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 3:13pm

I agree with AnaR....when I decided to leave my ex, I made appointments with 3 of the top attorneys in my area. All three told me if I left, I may have a hard time claiming the house later, plus I may have a hard time getting custody of the kids.

A few more suggestions that were given to me should you decide to leave:

1. Make copies of all important documents before you leave. Even if you are only leaving for a few days to clear your head. That includes your husbands 401K statements; his paystubs; bank account information, previous year taxes, etc.

2. Obtain a PO box so that you can have mail sent there so your husband doesn't see mail you may receive from the attorneys you contact.

My brother, who was divorced before me, said to contact as many of the top attorneys in your area (that you can afford if they do not offer free consultations) so that your husband is stuck with the "B" rated attorneys. I was able to google "A" list attorneys for my area.

3. Open a bank account in your own name (see #2) above.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope everything turns out well for you.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 11:37am

but be cautious about leaving your house in case you want to claim it later.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Totally agree!! Do not leave your house! It could do more harm than good.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 11:48am

Yes she does need an attorney. I am not sure who said anything about abandonment.

I don’t think she should leave because it is HER house too. If she leaves, then he can change the locks. Even if he gets in deep shit. If she leaves, he can mess up HER personal items. If she leaves, he can bring other women to HER house. If she leaves, he could do MANY things to upset this apple cart more than it is. He obviously is s jerk.

JMHO…Unless I fear for my life…I am not leaving MY house. More bad can come if it than good.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 11:57am

wow....i think maybe the first step before hiring an attorney or leaving the house may be to talk to your husband may be a good place to start.

this is not enough information for any person on this board to advise you what to do.

TheBrightSide's picture

Submitted by TheBrightSide on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 12:56pm

His cheating is not about anything you are lacking. You didn't cause him to cheat. This is not your fault.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 2:43pm

Great advice from dog person. No matter what I don't recommend you talk to your DH until you talk to a lawyer, and don't tell him about the lawyer.

I'd add that right now, before you leave your house, gather not only all documentary evidence because those will get deleted as soon as he gets home, also gather all your belongings that are of most value to you, especially pics, important documents, anything with your social on it anything with sentimental or high monetary value that you can and quickly get out of the house, or you may never see it again. Once your DH gets wind you may be leaving, he'll have evil SD come over to console him and she might steal or destroy your belongings while you're out of the house.

Heck she may even pressure dad to change the locks. You are in a very abusive situation it appears. Definitely go into survival mode like dog person said. And I hope you keep in touch on this site.

godess-clueless's picture

Submitted by godess-clueless on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 3:15pm

I read long ago to schedule appointments with the 2 best lawyers in the area. Then pick one. The reasoning was that you would eliminate the one not picked from being able to take the spouse as a client. Just wondered if anyone had ever heard that before. Any truth to it ???

Journey1982's picture

Submitted by Journey1982 on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 3:18pm

Yes, I can confirm that it is true; at least that is what all three 3 attorneys I met with told me. They took my ex's name just in case he tried to make an appointment with them, they could let him know that they could not speak with him or represent him.

stepmomto2many's picture

Submitted by stepmomto2many on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 3:44pm

I talked to DH guys he said it was just a game to see how gulible girls are online and he was a big joke betweenn him and his friends. The friends confirmed his story and I told DH the next time he wants to play games the joke is on him. The house is in my name so let him play again and he will be assed out exuse the language.

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 5:17pm

This is a cruel game. To you most importantly, but also those women he's using as a joke. Sounds very similar to the antics my DH pulled. It was awful for me. I hope your DH feels like an ass.

fedup13's picture

Submitted by fedup13 on Wed, 04/17/2013 - 2:22am

Again, I sympathize. I have been right where u are, SAME EXACT STORY. These kinds of men are true narcissists and very sick in the head. I am sorry, but u will never have peace again and u will never trust him again. U will drive yourself totally nuts, run yourself completely ragged, obsess over every little thing, always wonder what he is hiding, be checking his phone and computer like an aged spy....it sucks hardcore and it is no way to live. I am so sad for you because I live this.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 3:47pm

I talked to DH guys he said it was just a game to see how gulible girls are online and he was a big joke betweenn him and his friends.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

That was all he could come up with??!!! Sorry, but that would not fly with me.

midnyt's picture

Submitted by midnyt on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 11:42pm

I can sympathise with you and I am so sorry you are going through this, it truly sux!!

My SO has done this too, even went so far as to have accounts with dating websites and txting/emailing other women. I also found out when I logged into his email for something else, which then led me to check his phone and voila all the proof needed of an emotional affair. To me it didnt matter if he physically cheated or not, emotionally cheating was bad enough in my book.

I waited and confronted him face to face when he got home from work, I find that people are able to lie more easily when they arent face to face and at least in person you can read their body language to be able to tell if they are lying. I also didnt let on that anything was wrong when communicating with him during the day so I could spring it on him when he got home, again, I find that peoples reactions change when they have foreknowledge of an issue.

We talked and sorted through it the last time was more than 12 months ago but I still dont trust him completely and I check up on him from time to time.

Regardless of whether the affair is purely emotional or is physical you need to decide it this is a deal breaker for you. If it is, then I agree with the above posters in saying you should consult a lawyer and find out what your rights are. If however you think the 2 of you could work through this and save your relationship then I suggest you stop calling or texting him and wait for him to get home, try to be calm (I had moments of calm and moments of psycho when discussing this with SO) and discuss it with him and see how you go.

Good luck with everything, hope it works out the way you want it to!