Oh Surprise... DH "misunderstood"
We went out to dinner to discuss SS13's report card, his pending class trip and the consequences we will be implementing moving forward.
I shared my thoughts and opinions and we came to the conclusion that
1) if he wanted to go on his trip, he would need to pay the remainder of the balance of around $200. His willingness to do this would be very telling as to whether he thought this was something he was entitled to or if it was something he was willing to work towards. He has about $100 of bday money and we would come up with projects and chores for him for the next month for him to work off the rest.
2) His grades in two areas NEEDED to come up to passing or he would be attending tutoring during the summer instead of football and summer camps.
3) He would not get his tv/video game priveleges back until he received 100% homework on his weekly progress report. This means no "turned in late" which usually means he didn't do it and then did it later in the day and tried to turn it in.
4) Two weeks in a row of 100% homework would get his video games back in his room, but one week without 100% and it would get pulled again.
Since ultimately, he is doing better than he was when he started at the private school at the beginning of the year, but he is still NOT doing the work that is expected of him, I felt this was fair and that it was a good compromise between my strictness and DH's laxness. We decide that we will discuss it with SS tomorrow after work/school.
Anyway, the minute we get home, DH goes upstairs to talk with SS and I hear DH tell SS that he can watch TV ... I about had a cow and blasted DH when he came downstairs.
Dh's response /excuse? Oh, I misunderstood. He had a homework pass...He...
Enough DH!
I told DH that I do not have the time or desire to keep putting time and effort into the raising of his son if he is just going to "misunderstand" a 40 minute discussion that we just had. I have other things to focus my attention on - like my 3 children and my baby that's due in 3 months - or even my job or the house I bought for us to live in. My final words: you better fix this.
Thankfully, DH went upstairs and said something to SS which resulted in the TV being turned off.
When I joined DH in the bedroom, I again expressed my concern that I am fustrated by his lack of follow through, caring, parenting. Did he even bother to LOOK at SS's homework log or did he just take SS's excuse that he had a homework pass? Did he ask SS about his test he was supposed to be studying for? And why is it that I know all of this, but DH doesn't? BECAUSE I'M THE ONE SPENDING TIME ON IT!
Of course, the discussion moved to finances and I let DH know that 40% of his max take home income each month was going towards SS attending this school and I'm glad that he can take this expense so lightly. And when DH doesn't work a full 40 hours - which is quite often - it far exceeds the 40%. He tried to say it wasn't 40% so I pulled out the calculator and showed him that it was 39.2% and that yes, I can do math in my head, pretty darn well and I hope he's happy working the first 12 work days of the month so that SS can NOT do his work and just use his homework pass and all is good and well.
Uuugh!
Luckily for DH, he called SS into the bedroom after I stormed out to again, give him some serious talk. But I'm still fuming.
It's like this man doesn't know what the hell he's doing.
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Even at dinner, DH tried to
Even at dinner, DH tried to say, "well, he has a bad attitude because of hormones" and I tried to remind him that I"ve known the kid for years - before the hormones kicked in and he's been an ass the entire time. DH tried to then say that it's in his genes and I again said, "um NO. he learned it from watching you and BM act like assholes and fight. He sees you argue with him instead of telling him to be quiet, that you're the father and that the behavior is unacceptable and that SS can go to his room."
DH admitted, "ya, I need to work on my parenting skills".
So even though I've got a willing DH - one who wants to change his own and SS's behavior - he can't seem to get things through his thick skull.
I'm so fustrated and my DH is on MY side. I REALLY feal for you ladies who have a DH who disagrees with your input and make it even more difficult to function as a couple with a united front.
NO offense taken. And well,
NO offense taken. And well, frankly, because I'm the better parent and he is willing to "learn" from me.
I sometimes get into my parent/boss role and forget that he is my partner, that's a given and I'll admit it.
But, his parenting style is very, very different than mine. He was brought up with Dad beating the kids when they were out of line, mom cussing at them, etc. So as a single father, he was torn somewhere between being the kid's BFF and incorporating what he saw modelled in his childhood.
When he saw the way I interacted with my kids and the results I got, he was in awe. He LOVES that I'm a great mother.
I can't tell you how many
I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. We have a long discussion about some SK-related issue and come to an agreement. The moment the SK is in the room, it all goes to pieces. If I hear "I forgot" or "I misunderstood" one more time I am going to scream. Seriously man, how do you "forget" a bed time that we've discussed and agreed to 100 times? You don't. You ignore.
Yes. It's irritating to say
Yes. It's irritating to say the least.
My husband is very bad with remembering things and following directions in regards to ANYTHING, so I'm not sure why it surprises me. This is not an area of strength for him.
I swear. Let's say he has the day off and before I leave, I ask him to do XYZ. He'll call me later at work and ask me, for example, what am I supposed to do with the chicken and the crockpot? And i'll tell him, "just put it in the crock pot and sprinkle it with garlic salt and that's it". (for example).
Then when I get home, and check on dinner, I can tell he did something else and I'll ask and he'll tell me that he put a few cups of water in it too. Of course, i ask him why and he has no explanation other than he figured it needed it.
Men...
May be time to disengage and
May be time to disengage and let the kid fail since DH isn't clearly following through on what you've agreed upon. Might save your sanity!
Only problem with disengaging
Only problem with disengaging is I have an extreme problem with the $1100 we spend for his tuition to attend the school each month.
We could separate finances, but then that would be another thing for DH to do (that he's not very good at anyway) and I"m sure it would just cause more issues. I don't want to be on DH all the time about giving me household money. Right now, he just gives me his checks and I add them to the household coffer.
My issue is that WE are spending so much on this school for his son and that DH seems to think that his son getting a D is OK. I don't. In theory. DH agrees with me, but on a day to day basis, DH seems to forget that it is his parenting that gets the kid to have a D.
DH had the nerve to tell me a week or so ago that before his mom started coming back around, SS's grades were fine (in elementary school). He even told me that the kid got the top grade in math for the entire school on his state testing. It wasn't till last year when SS's mom came around that SS started doing so poorly.
My only thoughts on this are yes, he gets a pass at the beginning of the situation, when mom would drunkenly show up in the evenings and SS and DH would have drama to deal with. I can understand that SS wouldn't get his homework done on those nights and grades could go down.
But why on earth, after being in a very small private school - with only 4 kids in his math class - would a D in math be OK at this point? After we have provided stability, routine and safety for the child along with what he's always wanted - regular time with BM, on the weekends. Doesn't fly with me. Nope.
And especially if he got such high scores on the state tests a few years ago - it just shows me it's his lack of responsibility. Again, not OK.
And just to be clear. DH and
And just to be clear. DH and I are not typically "fighting" over these things. DH just thinks this way or understands it to be this way. He's open to seeing things differently and very often agrees with me, it's just not his first thought.
So if he continues to fail,
So if he continues to fail, pull him out of the pricey private school and stick his ass in public!
That's what I'd love to
That's what I'd love to do.
But the mothering part of me knows that this is seriously a much better environment for this boy. He needs to small focused classes and he needs the "controlled environment". The school is fabulous and I am thankful that my three have gone there since pre-school and know it's played a huge part in what great little people they are becoming.
SS needs this too. If we put him in the public school by our house, he'd get eaten alive by the other kids, go back to being a "cool punk", probably get picked on and / or become a bully, and of course his grades would go down and so would his learning. I've committed to keeping him in the school through 8th grade - which is one more school year. Then it's off to the public school.
We've been discussing my staying home for a few years. Baby arrives this summer, but I will need to go back to work to assist financially and with getting SS through his final year of this school. Then, with some additional changes, we can probably swing my staying home.
He suggested that maybe I home school SS - which I've done before when we originally pulled him out of his school because he was scared his mom would come and "take" him from school. This was during the time she was vandalizing DH's vehicles on a regular basis.
Anyway, I'd love to homeschool my own kids, but SS - not so much.
Got ya. See, it's so easy
Got ya. See, it's so easy for someone who doesn't know the whole situation or your lives to sit back and say "do this or do that" without regard of how it really would affect everything! I've learned that the hard way.
Anyhow, I wish I could say I knew the magic answer for you and could solve your issues, but I don't. All I can do is wish you luck and be here to listen when you need to vent.
I'm sorry things are like this with SS but CONGRATS on the new baby coming soon!
Thanks. And I'm totally with
Thanks. And I'm totally with you. I'd LOVE to yank the kid out of the school and stop paying the money. I mean REALLY LOVE!
It's frustrating as hell and is an obvious answer - but I don't think it will make anything better in the long run. I don't want him to go to the crazy school and then bring home what he learns from those kids back to my sweet little innocent babies either
The kid really has improved a lot this year. And his core teacher says he's doing so much better than he was at the beginning of the year. It's all a big change for him, I know this. And when he wants to comply, he really falls into place. It's just not a habit for him and he still tries to make excuses when he messes up - rather than accepting it and moving forward.
Oh, I thought this was going to be soooo easy.
LOL.
I think I mentioned this in another thread, but I really went into this thinking that SS was going to love and appreciate me SO much. Because obviously, I'm a much better person than BM, take care of him better, set a good example, provide him with activities and help him cultivate his friendships and generally provide him with better opportunities and a better day to day life. But even though this is totally the case (and everyone sees it. DH's family is so thankful for me to be part of both of their lives), SS still thinks I'm the reason his mom and dad aren't together. Which makes sense. What he sees is that his mom left when he was 5. When he was 11, his Dad and I became serious and DH introduces us. BM gets wind of it from stalking DH's facebook and decides to come around. DH despises her, but let's her come over to see SS and let's her come over on Christmas Eve for an hour, etc.
Next thing you know, BM is vandalizing cars, they are in court, then they move in with me and my kids, we buy a new house, get married, baby on the way...
Lots of changes - including mom back in his life. As an adult, I understand he has a lot to deal with and he's 13 now - which has it's own challenges.
But emotionally, it makes me crazy.
I can imagine and I can't
I can imagine and I can't imagine how you're putting up with/dealing with it. I would've lost my shit on him, told him he was getting pulled out of the pricey private school and sent back to BM's! LOL
Anyhow, I see your situation much more clearly now and I do feel for you. Emotionally, yes, that would drive me crazy as well.
Can you just now start counting down the days till he's 18 and hopefully LEAVES?????
LOL - frankly, I count all
LOL - frankly, I count all the time!
He's "offered" to move into the back house so that the baby can have her own room. Oh hell to the no! I am not providing this kid with his own apartment on my property so that he NEVER leaves. Oh, no.
On the BM note, SS always mentions that he wishes he lived with BM. (This is detailed in another blog), but DH called him on it one particular night, knowing full well that BM does NOT want the responsibility. So he packed up SS and drove to BM's house. A giant scene outside ensued and ultimately BM said for SS to go home with his father.
Last fight DH and SS had, DH said, 'what, you want to go live with your mom?" and SS responded, "no, she won't take me".
So that fantasy is at least over.
AND, I've even mentioned to
AND, I've even mentioned to SS that he needs to follow our rules till he's 18 and then he can leave and make his own choices. During this particular "discussion" he told me he can't wait.
But i have a feeling this kid is never going to leave...
Well, it's the truth. I do
Well, it's the truth. I do care more about school than DH. DH is not an academic, to say the least. In theory, he cares.
But he does physical labor all day and is often too tired to follow through with checking things with the kids. My kids don't need to be checked on a daily basis as me and their DH have already instilled the habits into them, so they now just take care of their school business and that is that.
The private school work load and the constant parent involvement is a new thing for SS.