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SM turning into just the BM and worried...

Second_Try's picture

Submitted by Second_Try on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 12:04pm

So I recently broke up with my SO who has a daughter (nearly 6), after we had a son together, he's now 2.5.

Anyway, I'm having a SERIOUS problem thinking about him finding a woman who (like me) did not understand that dating a man with kids is a HUGE pain in the ass (if they aren't raise properly and you have no authority) and she'll get involved, fall in love, and then realize what she's done, and (like me) disengage because she can't handle the skids. My son is very well behaved and when he isn't myself and his dad are very strict with him. My xSD isn't, and she still to this day has a sort of mini wife relationship with my x.

Also, I don't want to be that crazy bitch BM and I would like to have a relationship w the woman my SO chooses... mostly so we don't have to do the holiday weirdness and so we can all be parents together or at least have good lines of communication.

Is this just a pipe dream? I know I had no interest in a relationship with my x's x because i was jealous that he would want to have a baby with her. : /

gah. help!

Comments

tiffmomof3's picture

Submitted by tiffmomof3 on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 12:16pm

My ex and I have a good relationship. We have shared 50/50 custody since my son was about 4. He got remarried and it was hard for me to accept another woman taking care of my son but once I met my hubby and had to deal with his insane ex I apologized to my sons SM and we have since had a great relationship! We are able to even plan my sons birthday parties together and attend school functions as a blended family. My sons SM has a daughter who is wonderful, she even will play with my daughter (I remarried and had another child) and watch her when my son has basketball games so I can focus on my son! It is rare, but it is possible!

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 12:21pm

I think so long as you keep things in perspective and extend an olive branch you will stay ahead of the game. Let her know that if she ever has an issue with you or with something your son is doing to feel free to discuss it with you.

smithsgirl's picture

Submitted by smithsgirl on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 12:47pm

I think the reason why we act like we do towards BM and Skids is because usually it's them that has the problem with us, not the other way round, so we just give out what we get.
I found with partner when I was first with him, him and BM had already established a routine with seeing his kids so I actually saw it as not my place to storm in changing all that. BM seemed amicable and it obviously worked for them.
However, as soon as she started causing shit and thinking she was priority in his life, not me, a couple of years later I started putting my foot down regarding him doing stuff for her.
I think it's a case of we don't like BM's who have no respect for Bio dad's relationship and still expects to be priority when he has evidently moved on.
Hopefully Bio dad to your kid has a backbone who won't be easily swayed by his new girlfriend.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 2:55pm

I agree with Ana & Mrs... remember what those shoes felt like. Be nice to her, talk with her and do all you can to make sure your son treats her with respect. If you notice that your son is having issues adjusting, talk with your ex in a friendly but businesslike manner to come up with a strategy to help him, including getting him counseling if necessary. Remember that you are your son's mom and SM is not out to replace you, but that she's an adult helping to care for your child and as such, he needs to treat her respectfully and that will be so much easier for him if you, as his mom, encourage him to do so.

If you are struggling with your emotions regarding ex and SM, seek counseling, the support of friends, call or email a friend to vent to/with, exercise to decrease the negative emotions and feel happier, etc.

Second_Try's picture

Submitted by Second_Try on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 5:51pm

Thank you all very much for your insight. My xBM? lol sounds funny, never wanted a relationship with me and did her best to make sure I was excluded so I am not hopeful about SM/BM relations, but hopefully we can make things amicable.