SS5 and I do NOT get along lately

Ok maybe it is just me but I have a huge problem when children disrespect adults. Lately SS5 has been doing this from the time he gets here til the time he leaves (which is sometimes 5 days straight.) For example, SS shows up at 4 last night. ALL night he either talked/yelled back, or ignored me. No matter what I had to say, he had to argue with me and have the last word. Two hours after his bedtime last night he was still f*cking around and I went in and told him to lay down and go to bed. His response was "I don't have to. I'm not tired and I want to tell dad something." SO then gets back in from getting something out of the car and he walks by SS room and tells him to lay down and go to bed. SS INSTANTLY plops down on his bed and not a word out of his mouth. SO doesn't even seem to care. I told him that this phase better be over by the time DD starts talking because she BETTER not pick up on this. I have never talked to my parents that way and my daughter sure as h*ll not talking to her parents that way. I brought it up to SO today and this is how the convo went:

ME: He needs to quit yelling at me and argueing with everything I say.
SO: He is just a kid. He was only asking a question.
ME: No, I told him no and that we didn't have any and his response was "Are you kidding me? There isn't any more left? Maybe you should just go to the store then and get me some."

I then left for work and here are the texts after I left

ME: He has been raising his voice and or talking back to me since he got here yesterday. Sorry but it is getting old. No way in h*ll am I ever going to let Kailey to talk to an adult like that. When you guys want to talk about this let me know... Until then I am backing off but I don't want either of you to expect a damn thing from me.

SO: You can't get short with him and expect him not to back. He asked for breakfast and you snapped at him. Not going to argue but you seem crabby to me too. Love you.

ME: I am a little crabby. My mouth hurts, I have a headache from h*ll, he has done nothing but go against me since he got here, all he will eat for breakfast is sugar and I am just trying to help raise a healthy kid. Stewie wouldn't go back to bed this morning cause he wanted to go outside at 4:30. I got little sleep bacuase SS was up until 11:30, I got up with DD at 3:30 and then I was up for the day at 4:30. Yeah, I am a little crabby. I don't get short with him until he starts not listening to anything I say. He asks a question and then doesn't even listen long enough to comprehend what I have said. I'm sorry. It is frustrating. All I know is that when Kailey starts talking, I don't want her around this. She doesn't need to pick up on this. I NEVER talked to an adult this way even though I WAS JUST A KID AS WELL. I don't want to fight but I am not going to reward him for thinking he can do/say wahtever he wants to me. He thinks he is equal to me and that really gets to me. I am the adult here and HE IS NOT!

Of course I got no response back. I just don't get why parents make excuses for their kid's behavior. I understand he is just a kid, but that does not mean he can get away with murder. I have "kid" friendly expectaions of him and I KNOW he can live up to them... providing his father doesn't keep up with the "poor kid, he can't handle your expectaions, he doesn't know any better" act and just accepts that his baby boy is growing up and needs rules and structure. I AM TRYING TO TEACH HIM TO KNOW BETTER.

Am I wrong here? Should I expect NOTHING of a five year old? Help me out here ladies!

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He knows exactly what he's

He knows exactly what he's doing. That point is proven by the fact that he minds his father the first time. Dh needs to get his head out his backside and hold Jr accountable.

I'm going to answer as the

I'm going to answer as the mother of a just-turned-6-year old. At that age they can start to be wilful at times and express themselves more. The occasional outburst when they meet with frustration or are denied something they want is understandable, and dealing with that is a standard part of parenting. But constant talking back is not acceptable and suggests SS does not understand his boundaries. DD6 has recently begun shouting 'fine' and stomping off sometimes when she is obliged to do something. Or announcing that things are 'not fair!'. I've sat down and talked to her about why that behaviour is not acceptable and what the consequence will be and now she is going on the naughty step for 6 minutes whenever she behaves that way.

The ignoring thing can be slightly different, it's really common for small children to put off doing things or just get distracted and forget all about it. But coupled with the talking back all the time it probably is a bad sign.

There is no question that DH needs to back you up. When children are annoying their parents snap at them. That's life. We all have limits to our patience. It doesn't excuse a child behaving badly. As for SS paying more attention when his dad tell him to do something - it can happen that children pay more attention to one parent than the other even in intact families. My children have been known to refer to me for confirmation when their Dad tells them to do something. That's because I'm the main carer and they see me setting the rules most of the time. If that happens it is the responsibility of the authority figure to absolutely reinforce the other parents authority. Otherwise they are giving the child tacit permission to disregard the other parent.

Your husband is assuming that your short temper is contributing to SS's behaviour. He needs to consider that SS's behaviour is contributing to your short temper and that if you felt more supported and had a framework for dealing with SS consistently it would help a lot. Maybe you could try listing some rules about behaviour with your husband and then agreeing consequences. That way you would both be clear on what you expect from SS and from each other. You could also sit down with SS and draw up a chart of those rules, and connect some small rewards to it to incentivise better behaviour.

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