It's petty, I know.. but nothing is sacred in this house
I am having a really bad day. My family is all here visiting from up north. I took Monday and today off from work to spend time with them. I missed the day with them yesterday because I was god awful sick with a sinus infection. I went to the doc and got meds and felt much better this morning. They all went to the beach today and I had to miss that too. I recently had some surgery and apparently can't wear a bathing suit right now. And on top of it, I've suddenly gotten too fat for my shorts. So I've been home sad and depressed about that amongst all the other crap in my life.
I decided I really needed some sun and fresh air and it's beautiful today. So I decided to go on a short bike ride in my fat jeans to cheer myself up. I go out to get my beach cruiser and notice it is covered in sand. Now, you have to understand that while raising my son alone, I NEVER bought myself anything nice. This bike was the first thing I ever bought for myself that wasn't something someone else could use. All my money went to my son, our house and I would even cringe buying myself decent work clothes. So this was a big deal that I bought this nice, expensive bike for myself. I've told FDH this a few times before when I caught him letting his kids ride it. My issue is that they adjust my seat for themselves and don't put it back and leave it dirty. Salty sand rusts bikes. Plus, I like it nice and clean.
Of course, I was pissed when I saw my bike with a ton of sand all over it. I knew I didn't leave it that way. I texted him and asked if he told SD14 that she could ride it. (I know she went on at least 4 bike rides the last time she was here.) He said he did and claimed I told him it was OK. Unless I was sound asleep, I doubt I said that. So I had to explain to him AGAIN that this bike is very expensive and that it was a special treat for me. And if I am going to personally authorize one of his kids to ride it (which I did not), that I expect to find it in the same condition I left it. I added that if he wants to allow his kid to ruin this bike that he's certainly welcome to purchase a new one for me.
Not to mention there is a perfectly good bike sitting right next to it. HER bike. It's not as nice as mine but then again, she didn't save up $400 of her own money to buy herself that bike, now did she?
I know this probably sounds really petty. But dammit.... is there nothing in this house that I don't have to share? Why does he think it's OK for his kid to use my stuff without my permission and to leave it all crappy? How would he feel if my son came over and used his stuff and left it filthy? I am so sick of every damn thing being an issue. It's pretty simple-- leave my stuff alone! Everything is NOT community property just because it's in this house. I don't use their stuff? It's so frustrating.
End rant.
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Comments
im sorry for what you are
im sorry for what you are going thru. Yes it does suck but you guys need to sit down and communicate about this. His kids need to understand if its not theirs then don't touch it unless they have permission. And if they do use something then you return it the way you found it or put it back where you found it. Kids need tough love and some parents need to understand they need to be parents not friends! Hope your day goes better
Do you have a bike lock? If
Do you have a bike lock? If not, GET ONE and lock up YOUR bike. Keep the key safe on a chain around your neck. Problem solved.
Men suck sometimes.
I couldn't agree with you
I couldn't agree with you more. I feel like everything I own is company property and there are no attempts to even take care of it when it is used without permission. Drives me nuts!!!
Not only would I get a bike
Not only would I get a bike lock....
I'd reach for DH's razor the next time or two you need to shave your legs. And underarms.
How's THAT for sharing?
(can you tell I'm in a MOOD today??)
Forget the razor! Grab his
Forget the razor! Grab his toothbrush & use it to clean the bike. }:)
it's not petty at all. no one
it's not petty at all. no one appreciates other people helping themselves to our stuff, whether it's a bike or a piece of damn gum! sd always took my camera without asking to take slutty pictures of herself for myspace. well, she did ask. she asked fdh if she could use MY camera and he let her! i jumped his ass about her asking HIM if she could use MY stuff and him fucking letting her! where the hell do i come in at? i am very protective of my camera. the pictures saved on there are not replaceable. so yeah, i get pretty bent out of shape over stuff like that.
you are perfectly justified to feel the way you do.
At 14 years old she should
At 14 years old she should not be asking your husband to borrow YOUR bike. Common courtesy dictates she ask YOU, the owner of the bike. She is rude, and even ruder still to leave it in the condition she did. I agree with everyone else. Get a lock and tell her she has lost the privilege of ever riding your bike again.
I don't think it's petty at
I don't think it's petty at all! You're an adult, you saved up your own money and bought something you wanted for YOURSELF! It's not at all unreasonable to expect that you are the only one who gets to use it or choose YOURSELF who gets to use it. If you told your DH that you didn't want the SKs using it, he should have respected that. But that's what sucks in the whole step family dynamic, our DHs don't get that we don't want the step kids using our stuff. To them, that's their kid so of course what's theirs is their kids. Step parents do not feel that way. I wish there was some way for our DHs to understand that we need some stuff that is just ours, that we don't have to share, without making us look like selfish bitches who hate their kids.
Get a bike lock and do not
Get a bike lock and do not give him access. It is yours and you do not have to share.
Same here. I got so mad
Same here. I got so mad earlier today over my vacuum of all things, and almost blogged about it. I am disengaged from skid to the point that I barely leave my room when he is here. But, after he is gone, my house is a wreck, he has messed with all of my things, and I just want to explode!! Last week, he had my vacuum attachment, was banging it against the wall, I came out of my room, told him to leave it alone, it meant nothing. Today, I decided to clean my furniture. I went to get my attachments out of the hall closet, and they are gone. GONE!! I asked DH where they were. As usual, his response was, "I don't know." I told him that skid had them using them as his own personal toys/weapons of destruction, and all DH said was, "Well go look in his room." Ok. But, why should I have to hunt down my damned vacuum attachments???? This kid takes whatever he wants and does whatever he wants. I found one of the attachments on the side of my porch, meaning, he had it outside. Not cool. I was pissed and just wanted to scream. May not seem like a big deal to many people, but to me, it is a big example of a much bigger issue. DH should make his kid leave shit alone that is not his and that has nothing to do with him. I just want to be able to go to the place where I know I left my stuff and it be there. Another example, my Ipod charger. I KNOW I had it in the den, in the window sill next to the plug in I ALWAYS use. Guess what? After skid is here, it is no where to be found. Gone. Vanished. I am just so sick of it. I should not have to go around and hide things just to keep him from messing with my things. Ugh. DH tend to your damned nightmare and protect my shit!!
Thank you for all the
Thank you for all the comments and support.
The bike lock comments are especially poignant. We've even had an issue specifically about my bike lock. I have the kind that has a 4 digit code. To remember it, I chose the same code as my bank PIN number. FDH knows that. Imagine my surprise last year when I found out that he not only allowed her to use my bike but that he gave her the damn code to my lock. AND then a few months ago SS18 was in town and used FDH's bike but couldn't find his lock so SD gave him mine and told him the code. I told FDH that I had a big problem with this. The best part is that SS held onto my damn lock for three days. Man was I pissed.
Given all this history, I simply cannot believe that FDH let her use my bike and didn't make sure it was nice and clean.
And this is the SK that I really like. The problem is that FDH thinks what his is theirs and what's mine is theirs.
When he gets home I am going to try to explain this to him. He needs to understand that I am seriously not trying to be petty or selfish. I got a pink bike so that my own BS wouldn't even ask to ride it. It is a symbol of my finally realizing that I need to have a life outside of my son. And that now also applies to his kids now that they are in my life. I still need personal, non-community property. And, had they asked me, I probably would've allowed her to ride it once (not four times). But they didn't ask. And they didn't even have the decency to be thankful and make sure it was clean when it was returned. That's the part that really bugs me. And I am seriously irked that now he thinks I am just being a mean selfish bitch for saying something about it.
We have counseling tomorrow and our assigment is to write a letter to one another. But the other person doesn't get to see it. Just the counselor. So, there will probably be another blog from me today with the results. And somehow, I suspect this bike story might be used as an example of how I feel like I am always made out to be the big meanie around here when all I want is some consideration and respect.
Oh, and my dog decided today would be a good day to knock down my ceramic easter decoration and eat all the chocolate in it. Great icing on today's cake. Well, at least my fat ass won't be eating it now.
perhaps you should start
perhaps you should start loaning out his tools or whatever is important to him to your dad, brothers, nephews, neighbors, whoever. or just lock them in your trunk and tell him that's what you did to get your point across. he's being a disrespectful asshole and it HAS to stop.
Oh MY God. Well, I certainly
Oh MY God.
Well, I certainly get it about the bike too.
We are going through a similar issue.
It's MY computer. MINE alone. I allow my dd's to use it sometimes if they ask me. Always ASK me first, and sometimes it's no.
When we all moved in together I did the right thing, I set up their own user accounts on my computer - one for OH, one for sd12 and one for ss9. And I explained to them all that it was my computer but that sometimes they would be allowed to use it if they asked me first.
After that every time I got home one or the other skid was on my computer. I let it go, assumed they were asking OH and I wasn't there so... I let it go even though it annoyed me.
Then even when I was there they would just jump on without asking. I pointed out a few times that they had to ask me to use MY computer.
So then they would ask OH, with me sitting right there. OH MY did that piss me off LOL. I turned to ss9 and asked him (in front of sd) if I could use sd's ipod - he said "don't ask me ask her" while she glared at me for having the cheek to ask him - Precisely - I pointed out to them both that it was MY computer and they needed to ask ME not their dad if they wanted to use it.
Still sd on the damn computer every time I turned around.
Then she started pulling all sorts of nasty crap - reporting back to BM about me and OH and anything that happened here - we even had BM phone demanding he "get them out of here immediately" when we were having a few minutes alone time in the bedroom because sd had called her to say we were in the bedroom and she wanted to go home. No privacy. She steals from dd and myself, she says nasty stuff to dd about herself and about me, and OH has done nothing.
So when we moved I asked him not to let sd on my computer anymore, I explained that I just wasn't comfortable with her using my computer which has private papers and info not to mention a LOT of treasured photos on it, he said "don't you have it all secure so the kids can't get into that stuff" Well yes, but you are always telling me she is a whiz on the computer. Plus all my business papers and private papers are in the study as well. I just don't want her around my private things. In the old house the study was an area in the family room so she was always visible. Here it's a private room and I just don't want her near it.
So I'm out one day and he's home with the skids, I ask what they are all doing - just making conversation really, and he says "we're just pottering" hmmmm. So I asked my dd20 who was home, she said they all were, I said very casually "oh what are they up to?"
ss9 is on the trampoline, OH is watching TV and sd is on the computer....
Steam coming out of my ears.
I texted him and demanded answers - that he knew damn well I didn't want her on my computer and around my stuff. He said that he had noticed my dd10 was allowed on so assumed that sd had to be as well, it wouldn't be fair otherwise!!!!!!!!!!
I pointed out that a. dd isn't mean and nasty and reporting back to BM about anything she finds, b. she isn't malicious and hating me or dd's enough to delete my pics or anything like that. and c. the kicker, it's MY computer and *I* get to choose who the fuck uses it!!!
This was about a month ago.
He brings it up every argument. When will sd be allowed back on? fucking never at this rate. After a particularly nasty blow up where he mentioned it again like "and what am I supposed to tell sd about why dd's can use it but not her? You are so petty. blah blah blah" I put passwords that only I know on all the accounts and have told my dd's what theirs are.
When OH noticed he got a bit pissy that he couldn't use it. Then the last fight last Saturday night he bought it up AGAIN, and said I was treating his kids unfairly and they should all have the same rights in this house, AGAIN - it's MY computer not community property - they already have the same access to all my kids toys, everything else in the fucking house, just NOT my computer. He asked when I planned to remove the passwords as it wasn't fair of me to allow my kids and not his. I said NEVER.
It is MY computer, and I will decide who does or doesn't get to use it.
SD has already added a password to her account everytime she uses it, uploaded pics of her mum onto it, as well as music that I feel is inappropriate and won't allow in the house, writes nasty stories about her wicked stepmother on it... the list goes on. If she can't respect my rules about my computer why should I allow her access?
And I have been feeling guilty for it, but not anymore!
i'd like to kick your dh
i'd like to kick your dh where his balls are supposed to be. sd20 used to get on mine and bd's computer all the time, and she would change the settings. she made the text show up green on purple and it would bug anyone's eyes out. she would change my screen saver picture to pictures of her, one time it was her and a friend showing their asses in thongs. she was 14. :jawdrop: yeah, i would love for my dad to see a picture of me like that! it was never ending. and when she was here for a visit, she would drop her bag at the door and make a beeline for the computer and that is where she stayed all weekend. i don't know how she found time to dirty every dish in the house when i never saw her ass leave my computer chair, but somehow she did. i am so glad she is grown and gone!