Will things get better?
:? OK so I am 32 years old I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years now. He has two boys one is 10 and the other is 8 now. My boyfriend wasted no time introducing me to his little boys. At first things were really hard, simply because he was a single dad that had no clue what he was doing. I mean they didnt have a bed time, they got EVERYTHING they wanted, the list goes on and on and on...he was sooo afraid of being the parent that the boys hated so he chose to buy them for their love. Well after training him and showing him by my actions, Our little family runs not perfect but better then it did in the beginning.
I may have some complaints with my boyfriend not punishing the boys when they need it and a list of other concerns.
But my biggest is The mother of the boys. She didn't like me from the beginning she tells the boys a lot of bad things about me and puts me down every chance she gets, what she doesn't understand is the boys hate this and it is the reason they dont like going over to her house when its her weekend.
Will there ever be a time where she will stop with the childish games and some of the sneaky things she does. I mean I would have to tell you the full story for you to truly understand her but she is just evil. She tells the boys and their friends and their teachers that I am just a "FAMILY FRIEND" not daddy's girlfriend. My oldest comes to me and says that his mother will just randomly come up to him and say you that "she" will never be your real mother? my oldest says he just gets mad and then she sends him to his room.....
I dont know how much I can truly take from a women I've said maybe all of 12 words to in 3 years
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Thanks for the advice. My
Thanks for the advice. My oldest has started to do and say certain things that have made her mad when he confronts what she says and all she does it punish him for defending me..Its pretty sad, They call us every other weekend crying their eyes out wanting to come home...and I have my moments where I laugh about it but there are those days were I feel like I have very little people out in the world who hate me as much as she does or even at all for that matter. What in the heck have I done to her?...I mean I know of a few things that would make her mad, but I figured she would be happy to know that when her children are at their dads someone is there taking care of them...but what you just said made me feel a lot better !!....THANKS AGAIN!!!
and that's what I HAVE TO
and that's what I HAVE TO DO....I've never said a mean thing to them about their mom. They've asked me for years..."Why dont you hate our mom" she hates you!!....I just tell them that I have to love mom because without her I wouldnt be a stepmom. how could I hate someone who gave me such an amazing gift...and that seems to stop the questions about that. I am worried that it wont work when they get older but. whatever works for now....She on the other hand gets to say WHATEVER she wants from calling me the " N" word even though I am mixed and I am half Black..They came home and said "MOM" whats a N***ER...having to explain that was next to impossible but once again I have to just keep my mouth shut and deal with it.
(No subject)
:jawdrop:
EXACTLY....the saddest part
EXACTLY....the saddest part about it wasnt that I had to explain it, it was after I explained it and then they said "well then why does mom want us to call you that?" I said "what your mom wants you to call me that, are you sure?" they both said "yes, she told us that it was ok for us to call you that when we want you to do something"....What she doesnt get is she thinks its me making them hate her or not like her, But its her making them hate or dislike her all on her own!!....its really sad!!!
Grace and dignity will win
Grace and dignity will win out over trashy crap.
This is what I try to live
This is what I try to live by, sometimes it is so hard not to rise above her petty tactics, but honestly I think it irritates her more that I don't engage with her. My SD and your boys sound similar, SD has called her mom out on some of her BS and she has noticed the difference in how we live our lives.
Everything everybody has said so faris right on the money, just keep up the good work and let your actions speak for themselves.
I have totally been there. We
I have totally been there. We could exchange stories actually...I have many. I have been married to the same man for 30 years. I was a sm at 23, and a bm at 25..His and ours for a total of 5. They are grown, married, and terrific individuals.
BM was a tool.. and caused me a lot of grief. How we handled it, was to not engage in the drama. When the kids would say things, we would respond with "how do you feel about that?" or "Do you believe that to be the case?" The answer was always NO. We never talked negatively about her in front of any of the kids. Behind closed doors, between the two us, we did. The kids catch on after awhile and they know what is true, they eventually learn the flaws of their parents. We always told them if they had questions to go ahead and ask. It most definitely gets better in time. In my particular case, it got better as soon as bm was engaged in another relationship with a wonderful man that is now her husband.It took her mind off of attempting to use her kids to control our relationship.
thanks you guys for all of
thanks you guys for all of the wonderful comments. I must say I am glad I got on this site. I mean its hard enough to have relationship problems you know the normal problems and then add on kids and then the BM....this is my first experience with this and I tell my sister all of the time don't date a guy with kids I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world.
I hope that things get better, But when I first entered into this relationship the BM was with her third kids dad and she was pretty nice then, at least she didnt say much about me at the time. But now she is with someone who she claims is the love of her life and couldn't be happier but she has her moments. Its basically if she is in a good mood then EVERYONE is safe. But if she is having a bad day..WATCH OUT!!!.... I have a question for you. the boys have now started calling me mom. They asked me would I mind and could they call me mom. I told them that they can call me whatever they want to call me, whatever makes them feel comfortable. I worry if their mom finds out that she will punish the crap out of them. They tell us everyday that they dont want to go to their moms house and they only want to see her every once in a while, if that. They dont want to call their mom but they call us everyday that they are at her house. I mean she BUYS them everything they want. At her house theres Ipods Ipads Xbox 360 I mean the list goes on and on ..Here at our house they have to earn those things. She thinks they have no chores at our home and we let them do whatever they want. We are constantly in court and paying for lawyers because of her.If she doesnt like something that we are doing, she takes us to court.. SO my question is
Should I tell the kids not to call me mom?
Will the whole court thing ever go away?
Should we listen to the kids and fight for full custody? ( I think they are still to young and that they can get mad at their mom and say things out of anger, but that they would really miss their mom if they didnt get to see her, they only see her 4 days out of a month now)
the problem only arises when
the problem only arises when we dont do what she says. For example she will change a time and we just have to deal with it. Because we couldnt make it on her time to pick up the kids on a sunday they missed school all because she didnt want to drive them all the way home. When she is the one that changed the time. She tells my boyfriend that the kids better call her everyday, they dont want to talk to her at all, all she does is yell and scream at them, then the crying starts, and we have to calm them down...its just horrible.
the only problem is that she
the only problem is that she has decided to tell the courts that since she moved so far away that she will pick up the kids and drop them off she moved like 2 hours away and gave the kids to us. So even thought we meet at at meeting spot that is half way when she changes her mind and wants to change the pick or drop of time should we accommodate her even though we have plans on something else
My skids called me mom and
My skids called me mom and still do today. They did it of their own accord as yours are. Personally I would not deter them from calling you mom if they have asked to do so. That is an honor actually.
I would also say to utilize
I would also say to utilize this site as much as you need. When I was going through this we didn't even have a computer...LOL...There were not many resources at the time. It is a wonderful thing to have an online community you can relate to.