Having trouble with SD being very mean and ruide to her little siblings ...Looking for ideas on consequences
So, ever since DH got custody of SD10 last January, we'v had issues with SD being very rude to BD6 and BS3. She has always had issues with her attitude and DH and I are trying to change 9 years worth of no manners and no discipline basically raising herself. She does a very good job of hiding it from us, but I can tell when she is being mean because in the middle of playing with BD, SD's voice will get really quiet, not quite a whisper and her tone changes. She tries to say it quietly so DH or me doesn't hear, but I do. I will address her and tell her to stop being rude. And then after I address it she gets very distant and usually stops playing for hours. Now, I've noticed that it's starting to rub off on BD. BD is doing the exact same things to hr brother that SD has been doing to her. I have tried talking to her over and over about how it makes herfeel when SD is mean to her and that is how BS3 feels when she is mean to him. It works for a while, but then it's back to them being rude or just down right mean.
Just the other day SD told BD that she was never going to play with BD6 ever again. This is not the first time something like that has happened. Each time I tell SD that he is being rude, she shuts down. I have gotten to the point that I just seperate them for a while. DH tells me that siblings fight, but not like this. I'm an only child. We're both at a loss. It hurts BD so bad when SD threatens not to play with her ever again..just to get things she wants or to make BD act the way she wants her to act. SD will say things like "I don't care" when BD tries to tell her somethng or will ignore her on purpose just to be mean.
I am looking for ideas on how to stop this behavior. Seperating them only works for a while and now I've gotten to the point where they must play or interact together within earshot of DH and I, just so we can make sure theyre not being mean or saying inappropriate things. 
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Comments
I've never "made" them play
I've never "made" them play together.
Yes, she has other options,
Yes, she has other options, but she is usually the one who initiates the play. I've never made them play together, it's SD10's choice.
Thank you Sueu2. DH is the
Thank you Sueu2. DH is the one who said "siblings fight, but not like this." He knows what is going on and we are working together to try and figure out how to stop it and make the children understand that not only is this behvaior rude and unacceptable, but it's also very hurtful. He will address her rude and mean behavior when he sees or hears it, just like I do. I am the one who said "I'm an only child." Since I am an only child, I don't have any experience with sibling rivlary. I have done quite a bit of reading on sibling rivlary, but most of it is geared towards full siblings...Since SD was raised by a very unfit and mentally unstable mother until she was 9 1/2 and also because of the many differing factors, our situation is clearly not the usual and I can not get "normal" advice regarding "normal" sibling interactions from a book.
I grew up with one older
I grew up with one older sibling and two younger. Yes we fought and we weren't always nice to one another. We would bribe one another not to tell our mom or dad if we done something we were told not to do. Candy usually worked lol. As long as she isn't telling the younger children she hates them, or is being physically mean to them, I honestly don't see a major problem. SD is still adjusting. And as an older sibling, she will naturally be bossy. And if for some reason you feel she is being overly mean, time out can work. My parents always made us apologize to each other. Hated it at the time but appreciate it now