What Qualifies as an Emergency? OR, Does the Kid Have to be Dead for BM to Notify DH? (Possibly Not Even Then)
So DH got a call from the victim's advocate organization in our county today. The case worker asked him how SD17 is doing after the "assault" she suffered earlier this month. DH's response? Crickets. Why? Because neither of us had any idea that anything had happened.
After some talking, he was able to ascertain that SD was at school, sitting with her newest BF. The BF's ex-GF (and mother of his one year old child), came up to them and began screaming at SD. SD then screamed back at her. Ex-GF then threw a cup of hot coffee in SD's face, which resulted in pretty major burns on her face, chest, and shoulders. The school called BM, and BM took SD from school....not sure if the hospital was part of it or not, because our insurance hasn't been billed, but that doesn't necessarily mean she for sure didn't go.
The Ex-GF was arrested at school and charged with fourth degree assault, and it appears that SD will be pressing charges.
We also just found out through FB that SD was at the scene when the gunman started shooting at Clackamas Town Center, and was held for hours during the lockdown. We weren't that concerned that she might have been there, because it occurred before school was out for the day. DH did call to make sure she was nowhere near the incident, but never received a call back. Evidently that is also information that BM and SD did not find important or pertinent to share with the kid's FATHER.
It's all really hitting us now, especially with the holidays. SD is not a part of our lives, and she doesn't want us to be a part of hers. It would all be so very tragic, if it weren't so fucking predictable. While I am sad and worried about SD, there's obviously nothing we can do if she refuses contact.
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My anger, sadness, and
My anger, sadness, and disbelief is starting to "pass" more quickly as time goes by, which is part of not having a connection with SD at this point. Being hit with the double-whammy today has shaken me up, and OF COURSE we found out about both situations less than an hour after my weekly counseling appointment. And then I don't have one until next Weds due to the holiday, so maybe I can talk my therapist into Christmas shopping with me. Probably the only way I'd get through going back to the mall right now. Lol (no, seriously.)
On the subject of the advocate's call, it was only because my SD has an ongoing file with DH's info maintained in their office that he was contacted. We were the only ones in contact with the DA and advocates when SD was sexually assaulted by BM's husband four years ago. BM not only refused to work with law enforcement and the courts after the assault, but she also refused to even call the police in the first place. It wasn't until DH told her he was calling that she did, and that was so she could downplay and control what was said to the police about what her current husband had done to her child.
The advocate was not given DH's info by anyone this time around, it was just because of the prior records that they had his info. However, DH is listed as an emergency contact with the school, (both he and BM are "supposed" to be first calls, but only BM was contacted). So I'm thinking since they didn't follow protocol SD or BM (or both) requested that the school NOT call DH when SD was assaulted. Actually, I have no idea what happened. All I can do is speculate!!! Because important, vital, emergency information is not relayed to DH!!! And I just LOVE how that becomes more kindling for BM's PAS fire...because now I'm SURE she's telling SD "gee, I don't know why your father isn't calling or coming to see you, honey!! I sent him a text, I really did! Promise, cross my heart! I guess he just doesn't have enough love/concern/money/time/effort to give you since he's SO busy taking care of his OTHER family". That's not speculation. That's pretty much verbatim what I have seen her write in emails to SD, back when SD wasn't completely PAS'd out.
I seriously hate this shit. It is so unfair that DH and I have spent every resource we have trying to protect and raise SD to be a good person. But what I have just realized, is that for a long time now, we haven't actually been raising her. It wasn't a relationship that could be maintained long term, no matter what. Because what it has become is just us running around like froot loops, scrambling around and over each other to PROVE our love to SD. The acrobatics that we've gone through, the messes we've been left to cleanup, the PAS we've had to combat, the lengths we've gone to just so SD would know that we weren't "abandoning" her...it's fucking crazy!!! And why?! Why did we have to do any of that? I don't have to reassure my DD's eighty times a day that they are special and loved so they don't believe some bullshit another person is spoon-feeding them!! And that's ALL the relationship with SD was for a very long time. Damage control. Nothing real, nothing of substance, nothing that could last. Just a game of trying to keep a wave upon the sand for just a...little...bit...longer....POOF. Years of dedication and sacrifice and love. Flush, swirl, gone.
Sorry. I don't even know if I'm making sense. Just feeling particularly rejected and helpless today.