Getting over betrayal
I've posted about my SS (19 y) and how he's been a lot more docile since his friends left for college. He hasn't made friends so he spends all his time in the house trying to get dh's time and attention. With the new situation of SS being calmer but around a lot more, feelings have surfaced or deepened. One thing I'm feeling that doesn't sit well with me at all that I would like help with is the feeling of betrayal. I think I have good reason for reacting negatively to SS. He targeted me for years (and I still think he does in a more subverted way), and DH turned a blind eye to some of it. But I don't think it's healthy for me to feel this way about SS. Whenever they do things together I feel betrayed somehow, like they've been going out to breakfast together on Sundays while I'm at church, or they spent the day washing the car while I was at work and dh had a day off. These are perfectly normal activities between a father and son, but lately my reaction is to feel that DH is choosing my enemy over me. It feels like he's making memories with, wining and dining my bully.
Let me clarify that I have not and would never allow my feelings to dictate how they should interact with each other, and I know that SS is as important to DH as my BS is important to me. I do not expect DH to choose me over SS or vice-versa. But I wondered if anyone else had these feelings given that many of us have been the object of mistreatment by the SKs. If DH literally took out to dinner someone who has been tormenting me for years, it would be the end of our relationship period. But since this person is DH's child, I'm not supposed to feel this way? It's more complicated than that. I think this is surfacing because I'm realizing how much I had to put up with during the time SS was actively campaigning against me. And DH is opening up more about how he did choose to prop SS up even if it meant gaslighting me or pushing past my boundaries.
But what do I do with this feeling of betrayal? It's not like dh can turn his back on SS. So I'm saddled with these feelings that I can't resolve. It feels horrible to feel this way every weekend while SS is here and at other times during the week when they're getting together. I'm hoping that people have perspectives and thoughts to share.
I also want to add that SS has been ambivalent towards me. He's less hostile, and polite, but when dh is not around, he won't say much to me. But to be fair, I don't say much to him. He is constantly trying to get DH's attention and time. But whereas before, he was actively trying to exclude me and push me out, now I'm not sure if that component is there, though I still interpret that to be the case.
If a rabid dog bites you every time you try to pet it, stop
If a rabid dog bites you every time you try to pet it, stop trying to pet it.
Your SS is an asshole. He has mistreated you for years and your DH has ignored much of it the whole time. Self preservation in the face of a noxious enemy is not something to feel bad about feeling the way they have shown you how to feel by their treatment.
Daddy needs his nose scrubbed in the stinky stain that SS is and needs to be continually reminded of SS's past bullshit. SS has not changed. He is a user. He is emitting the scent that attracts daddy right now because SS has no other person he has access to take advantage of. It is also a big F-off to you. This kid knows what he is doing.
Stay confident, keep reality front and center for everyone including SS, daddy, and anyone and everyone else who is fillfully blind to the crap plied by this noxious failed family spawn.
Take care of you. Trying to avoid the feelings that come with the reality of what and who SS is and what and who DH is is not living your best life. This is not a minor child. This is ostensibly an adult. Treat him as one and make it clear to DH that you will not tolerate daddy babying his narc baby of a Skidult.
SS is an adult
not a child anymore. You can't have an adult SC living with you who '''' been ambivalent towards me. He's less hostile '''it just. Doesn't work. Time to have that hard talk with DH. SS attitude Must change or he has to go. If DH chooses SS you know where you stand and must do.
I would never be working , paying for SS living abd he has a attuned like that.
My SD30 has actively
My SD30 has actively campaigned, as you put it, against me all the time I've known her. It came to a head in 2022 when her hatred came spewing out of her mouth and she insulted me and accused me unjustly of all sorts of things. I still have to tolerate DH wining and dining her. However, I don't have to live with her and have told DH I don't want any relationship with her, going forward. So basically I haven't seen her for 3 yrs and have no plan to do so. I think in your position, I would give your DH an ultimatum and tell him you can't live with SS any longer - the lad is an adult, after all. If DH still wants to support him, maybe he can contribute towards him getting his own place. But live with him? Oh no no no.
Betrayal...
...really hurts. Your post touched my heart, tryingjusttrying...because I have felt very similar emotions. The statements below especially resonate with me:
*Whenever they do things together I feel betrayed somehow.
My situation is a bit different because I immediately said "No" to the nonsense and have never backed down. Yes, this did cause some friction, but DH knew that everything I said and pointed out was true. He has seen every communication I have had with OSD; on my end it was kind but firm, even when she was blasting me with an egregious degree of 'ugly'. Never have I ever experienced her degree of 'ugly'. What is interesting though, is that the majority of her ugliness came straight from her to him in the form of phone calls, personal conversation, texts, and emails, which were then passed on to me. I can't think of anything we don't talk about; sometimes he is less comfortable than I am, but he has become an effective communicator. He is ashamed of her behavior. He now understands that he and the rest of the family was/is a large part of the problem due to lack of standards and accountability. What one permits, one promotes.
Have you spoken to your husband about your feelings of betrayal? I did; I explained that when he would talk to her, etc. and act like everything was fine, he was giving her a green light to continue...because there were no consequences. Did he really act like things were fine? To be fair, no; he did stand up for me and tell her not only was she wrong, but what a good person I was and how I had never treated her poorly. Also, he had very little communication with her because of her treatment of me. He even told her that I felt betrayed when he spent time with her. She responded by sending me a message that was sick enough to curl my toes. I did not reply. She proceeded to send it two more times. So, it was not all in the heat of the moment, it was days later. After she had time for rational thoughts to take hold. Again, no reply from me. No way was I getting in the mud. I remember being so angry with my DH because he shared something so personal with someone who does not have the intelligence to even comprehend the complexity of the situation. Someone who would use those words to hurt me instead of reflecting on her own behavior and trying to make amends. My door has always been open should she choose to be reasonable and talk things through. She is not reasonable, nor is she interested.
*My reaction is to feel that DH is choosing my enemy over me. It feels like he's making memories with, wining and dining my bully.
Wining and dining the bully...I get that! It hurt so badly the couple of times he had lunch with her in the past. I felt like he was rewarding her for her nonsense.
*If DH literally took out to dinner someone who has been tormenting me for years, it would be the end of our relationship period.
Yes, yes it would! Why should it be any different because that 'someone' is family? It shouldn't!
I remember asking DH who would be there for him when he's old? Of course he said, "You." That was a bit of a lightbulb moment for him. We are in this together, through thick and thin. We needed to be each other's priority, not just in word but in deed too. He now understands that he can't ride the fence. One must stand against abusive behavior, because if one stays silent he/she is actually standing for it via their silence.
It is OSD's behavior, paired with the fact that she would just not quit, that caused him to go full no contact. He talked to her numerous times to no avail. It just kept getting worse and worse; she was swinging until he blocked her.
Is it hard on him? Yes, it is. He is ever hopeful, but I don't think she has the courage for self reflection.
My only words of wisdom for you are to keep talking. No matter how big or how small, if it bothers you...talk about it. I believe all things can be said with love, so be kind and gentle. I am so sorry you are going through this. Just know that you can learn and grow as a couple and be stronger than ever. Big cyber hugs and blessings to you.
I appreciate the confirmation
I appreciate the confirmation of my experience in your comments. It's such a fraught situation. Trudie, I can see that you were very proactive and clear about defining boundaries and making it clear to your dh that he has an interest in protecting you and siding with you. Your SD is so unreasonable, which makes that seem necessary. I am working on defining and enforcing boundaries. Part of that is to guard my own experience in the situation instaed of being bulldozed over as has been the case. However, I'm hoping that I can create a win-win situation in which SS and I both get unconditional love from dh, though in different ways. Am I thinking of it in the wrong way here? As deceptive, sneaky, and unreliable as SS is, I still think everyone deserves parents who love them unconditionally, warts and all, and I believe dh does this. He needs to set down stronger boundaries for sure, which I do not think is mutually exclusive to unconditional love. It's hard, sometimes even torturous to be around SS because of who he is objectively, and the reactions I have to him. But I would like to see if I can find a way to manage those reactions so that dh can still show support to SS who is very, very flawed, but still deserves the care and love of a parent.
If SS is still in college, would it be fair to try to force him to find his own place? For my own son, I would not do that. I feel that if I can make the "right" choices now, then in the future, I won't have any regrets.
Harry: SS doesn't have an attitude anymore "supposedly". In a sense, he's also disengaged as I have - he will pretend to get along, but I believe he still harbors resentment. I guess both of us are forced to tolerate each other. But how can he go to school and pay rent and the bills? I don't think I would feel okay putting him that position even if he makes me extremely uncomfortable.
I think if you want him out,
I think if you want him out, your DH will have to subsidize his living arrangements while he is in school. For my own kids, that happens as long as they are progressing toward independence. To me, that's a win/win. They get to live on their own (even if it's a dorm) but the terms are very clear. They have to be in school (could be trade school for your SS), and making adequate progress toward finishing. I actually really miss my kids, but i know that becoming independent adults with an education that will allow them to be self-supporting is best for them. If i were in your DH's position, it would be best for my marriage too.
I think…
...you are very reasonable; I respect your viewpoint and your mission. It makes me ponder our situation; DH and I are both very reasonable too and the no contact status was a last resort because of the ongoing, escalating behavior. DH had set expectations and boundaries and OSD knew what would happen if she ignored them, how she responded was her choice. She does not accept me as her father's wife and actively tried to destroy our relationship. She was calling me filthy names before we ever met and came hard for my kids, who she has never met. She is also abusive to her father, to a much lesser degree. As for me, she made her intentions clear; she is sick and she is dangerous.
Agreed, all children deserve the love of their parents! Her father loves her and always will. Estrangement is never easy, I can attest to that. Should she choose a different path, things might be different.