Follow up to so done with adult stepdaughter - unbelievable
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So I found out today that SD is actually having a baby shower of her own with her little friends, after cancelling the one I worked so hard on. She told me she was "too stressed" to have a baby shower and she was having panic attackes just thinking about it. So I cancelled it after looking at umpteen catering menus, booking a hall, figuring out how to get a liquor license, parking plan, safety plan, etc. She did this just to cut me out and not include me. I am just shakinig I'm so mad and so hurt. She's trying to tell me no it's not a baby shower, I'm just having a get together with my friends. Right. It's a brunch at a restaurant and my other SD is bringing her friend from away, so what?
I could scream.
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Accept the gift of not having
Accept the gift of not having to do sh!t for her. Seriously. Don't do sh!t for her. She is an adult with friends and support of her own. Be polite and civil but don't go out of your way. She doesn't appreciate it, so don't do it. Take the energy you used to waste on her and spend it by treating yourself.
Take deep breaths
Take this as a good sign, you are totally off the hook as far as the baby goes. She has shown you how she feels, Take a big step back and let your DH take the lead, if any. You won't get stuck with any babysitting and can participate or not as you wish. Good luck with it all, SD.
Thanks! I'm going no contact
Thanks! I'm going no contact with her now. I've had enough. Unfortunately, I can;t get the $1200 I wasted buying her a stroller. That stings, but hey, I'll find someone who needs it.
There are associations who
There are associations who recycle clothes, toys, strollers, etc. for new parents who cannot afford to buy new.
You can sell on FB
You can sell on FB marketplace.
She has shown you how she feels about you - believe her.
She has shown you how she feels about you - believe her. Your idea of going no contact is a great one. If you can't return the stroller, there are places you could donate it where it would be truly appreciated. So sorry she is so awful!
I do have a question... was
I do have a question... was the event you were planning going to be "bigger".. more relatives etc? Maybe just a small lunch with her best girlfriends was really what she wanted.. but when you got caught up in planning a more formal event (catered.. rented venue etc.. ) she felt overwhelmed and didn't know how to ask for you to not do so much? If that's possible.. I would probably not feel so badly.. other than perhaps remember that sometimes what we think people want.. is not what they want.
And.. she has shown an interest in you not being so involved.. and that is a gift for you as well. I am not sure that returning the stroller or donating is necessary.. if it is supposed to be a gift from you and her father.. then.. it might cause more conflict with him if you try to do that..so, take that idea and consider all sides of that.
Some people are more anxious about social situations.. in their peer group.. fine.. in larger events.. very awkward.. and being the center of it.. may have not been what she wanted. I'm not saying you have to do some big forgiveness and allow her to take advantage.. but if there is a chance that is part of it.. recognizing that sometimes we get caught up.. not reading the room.. it can feed these skid situations as well.
My baby shower vs hers
Tha baby shower I was planning would have included a very few extra people versus the one she planned. It would have been all the same people plus maybe two more. Also, she could have told me that she wanted a quiet brunch and I would have done that, too. It's certainly easier! I wasn't looking for the shower to be some Instagram event. The crux of it for me is being gaslit by her with her "Oh it's just a get togehter, not a shower" meanwhile all the same friends we were going to include are coming and the worst part is that my other SD is invited, but I'm not. I was so hurt by that. She could have at least invited me. I've been holding her up since she was 17 and she has a baby shwer without me? Cool beans I'll never trust you again.
You do have to keep in mind
You do have to keep in mind her mom has wormed her way back in too.. and yeah.. I get that her mom wasn't so wonderful.. but unfortunately.. at the end of the day.. they are the moms.. and we are not.. and they will get so much more forgiveness than we ever will.
And.. she should have been more honest.. but maybe she just felt in a bind and didn't know the mature way to handle it.. she may be inher early 30's. but sounds like she has not grown up a lot..
I just feel that when we have the ability to not make things any more nuclear than they are.. we should.. doing something to hit back at her for the change.. well.. she will be seen as "well.. that's understandable".. you will be seen as the one that caused a rift.. it's just the stepparent yoke to bear. I would just quietly step back.. allow your DH to give her the gift that was purchased.. and let her just have space.. and not go out of your personal way...
This is just confirmation of how detestable and noxious she is.
Stop being hurt by her. You know that she is shit, she lies, and she manipulates. Shit is what it is. Shit is nothing to be hurt by. In fact, when you dump it, often it is a freeing and pleasant experience.
Human shit is what it chooses to be.
Know that. Do not give it space in your head or your life.
If you keep investing, it is you that is hurting you.
Stop that.
Well said! I ended up in the
Well said! I ended up in the hospital over this whole thing with blood pressure at 198/117. There are no markers in my blood for high blood pressure - the doctor says it's due to stress. I told their father that I'm done. I've blocked both SDs on my phone and will continue to do so for some time. This is about boundaries my SD doesn't like. I've got news for her: there will be more, so she better buckle up. I'm finally healing from being my mother's little pleaser.
Oh no....
I can only imagine the pain of giving for years and then being treated like this, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please take care of you.
YES, invest in YOU.
YES, invest in YOU.
Blocked: "and will continue to do so for some time"
NO!.Not for "some time". Block and never unblock. Even better. Delete her contact and number on top of blocking.
Never give slimey baggage infectious entities any chance of infecting your life.
Take care of you.
!
Rags, you tell it like it is...I like that!
After many years of trials
After many years of trials with my SD, including 7 years of no contact, it was a baby shower that finally did me in, too--not the same situation, but rudeness and games. That was over 5 years ago. I "had" to see her when DH was ill a year and a half ago, and that experience propelled me into going totally dark with both skids. I asked myself if I would allow other people to treat me that way, and the answer was always hell no. Finally, finally, finally, the door has permanently closed and will never again be opened.
We deserve better.
Im so sorry you went through this.
To extend yourself, when it all looks like green light go, only to be excluded...that just sucks and trust that THEY suck, not you.
"THEY suck, not you." This is exactly how to keep it all simple.
Though human nature often has good people wallowing in guilt for really no reason.
Good people make excuses for the sucky people at the expense of themselves. Understanding that just because good people would never do what the sucky people do, does not overcome the facts that the sucky people do what they do.
If that makes any sense at all.
Time to just back off and
Time to just back off and leave her alone PERIOD. Let your husband deal with it. I am concerned that she got you so upset you ended up in hospital.
The fact is, if someone not a step, or relative, treated you lke that would you every bother with them again? Probably not.
And, as I have found in my own situation, some steps are simply not worth the effort or time of day.
Why chase misery...
Radical Acceptance is accepting reality just as it is and stop wishing it were different.
Stay in your own lane (focus on you) and put blinders on with regard to this girl, she won't appreciate anything well-intentioned that you do or say. And do not babysit for her, no how, no way. Keeping boundaries to ban them from entering your home is something you can manage/control so find peace with that.
No more chasing misery with this girl,