Question to those who have walked away
I cannot do this anymore, the frustration, the resentment, trying to force myself to be okay in a blended family when it goes against everything inside me. I'm not cut out to be in a blended family especially when it's someone being in the house full time with a non existent BM but regardless it's my own problem and my own fault, I continued with something and tried to move forward with it and I've had to lay in the own bed I've made.
But the question is, I've never left anyone, this has been my first real relationship and we have 2 bios and a mortgage. Once maternity leave has ended I'm moving out and buying my own place. But I'm sad, just sad my kids won't have their mum and dad together, how do I explain to my kids when they're older that I split up with their dad because I just didn't like their older brother and him being a presence in the house all the time didn't make it feel like a home to Me? I love my partner but I come second and I get why I do. How did you guys do it? I'm scared of regret knowing that I've only got another 4 years of this until he moves out like we've agreed on and come up with a plan. But I constantly get triggered by him, the entitlement, the over stepping of boundaries, having to tell my partner that he's not done what he's suppose to do so he needs to get a grip of it because I'm fed up of telling him, it's exhausting. But I'm scared of regret, worried that I could've pushed out longer and my kids would still have their mum and dad together. I don't want to erase SS from the picture all together but once he's an adult, and when it's been part time in the past I've been fine with it. But full time is a no. How did you guys cope? Being a single mum to a young kid and a baby is terrifying me, he wants to do 50/50 but the cost of living is horrendous and I'm scared. I'm scared I'll never get over it.
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So how about moving into
So how about moving into your own place while staying married? Together but apart? Once your SS moves out (don't hold your breath), you can move back in with your husband.
You have to put your children first. Their safety comes before anything else. When the time comes, you can explain to them that their big brother was a troubled person who needed more help than you could give him.
Well, first of all.. your
Well, first of all.. your child does not need to be burdened with ANY of the reasons your relationship didn't work out. Children don't need that kind of explanation. They can hear that .. mommy and daddy loved each other.. but sometimes love is not enough.. or we were not compatible living together.. but blaming his brother for the breakup.. while that may feel like the push from you.. his brother isn't causing it... the inability of his parents to manage their own relationship is the reason.
I think you might want to consider winterglow's suggestion though.. what about living separately.. to give yourself some physical space from that environment? Have you considered therapy for yourselves either?
Yeh I get that, I was just
Yeh I get that, I was just thinking about giving them the truth and the whole truth thinking that's what they would deserve but I don't want it to be making him out to be a bad person because he's not, I just can't deal with him and don't enjoy living with him. If I don't need to tell them the truth then I won't and that's better for me anyway
And just to add I've been in
And just to add I've been in therapy for ages for this and it's come to the point where it's just circumstances that I'm just uncomfortable in
I don't think kids need adult
I don't think kids need adult reasons.. or to be held up as equals in deserving equal information.. that they are not emotionally equipped to understand. Perhaps when your child is an adult.. you can offer more full explanation.. but children do not need that burden.. and it is a burden and would likely only serve to give your child reason to resent their sibling and their father. some might be warranted.. but give your child the gift of having a chance at a positive relationship with your husband and his son.. they are family too.
They more deserve the opportunity to love both their parents without some built in resentment.
I am not sure if some of the motivation that you want your child to not "blame" you.. but the reality is that kids shouldn't be burdened with thier parent's problems.
If you can't live with your DH and his son.. that's fair and it's your choice.. you can deliver that love is not enough.. as a general message.. and sometimes kids can hear "just because".. and don't need more explanation.. they just need to know both parents love and want to be intheir lives.. and that they were wanted coming into the world.
Yeh thank you, it was more of
Yeh thank you, it was more of when they are older and if they ask me about it. I just guess they wouldn't think of it as a good enough reason for them to lose their family dynamic and grow up without a family together. I think it's more fear their lack of understanding of what's it's like to be me in the situation I've been in and I wouldn't want them to resent me for it. But I will probably just say it just didn't work out, if it's easier to be like that and I don't want them to resent anyone I just want them to be happy
If their older sibling truly
If their older sibling truly has the level of issues that are going to make you want to leave.. your child will see those as they grow up and are likely to understand more than you thinik.
Don't need to say much
I wouldn't worry about what to tell the kids as they get older. They will figure it out themselves. My ex was a charming, handsome, funny drug addict. I never talked negatively about him and allowed visitation altho he didn't pay CS. Both my kids experienced his unreliability and poor judgement themselves. I never needed to say a thing.
When they're younger, we think we are shielding kids from family discord. But my experience has shown me that my kids saw my ex crystal clearly and my steps saw BM, too. None of them trash their parents but I know how they all think.