Going onto the 9th year knowing SS..
Wow! I can't believe last time I post something was 2 years ago.
Life hasn't always been all rosy and rainbows, but I feel now I finally kind of learn how to center myself. Not without a cost though, I've gone through so many different cancer treatments, and just finally be at a stage that I don't need to go to the hospital anymore. It was a blessing that I was able to find out before the cancer cell spread. I do feel like the whole experience let me rethink how I should treat myself and my love ones.
I know disengage has been talked about so often here, but only after I was too busy taking care of myself with cancer treatments was I really able to learn to disengage. I haven't mastered it yet, but at least I'm not bothered as much as before anymore.
SS hasn't really changed much. Same lying, same slacking, and same breaking my collection of things, and damaging the house that we don't own. He will be 18 in just a few months, and still has no idea how to take care of himself (but he's very confident so I guess we need not worry). My fear of him living with us forever is still there, but it does seem like DH is not going to let that happen because it really is a pain living with this kid. I don't know what we will do with SS, and I don't know what SS is going to do with his own life either.
This has been such a lonely journey for DH and I, I'm so grateful that my MIL is very understanding of the challenges that we face, so at least we aren't hearing the "you should be more patient with SS" kind of bs.
Of course my anger and resentment is still there for me to deal with. I feel I'm finally on the way to take care of myself now. Doesn't mean I won't be back once in a while to whine about things though, haha!
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I'm so very glad to hear that
I'm so very glad to hear that you managed to discover your cancer at an early stage! But Hon, you must understand that continuous stress weakens the immune system; the difficulties with your selfish SS has, without a doubt, contributed to your illness. It's imperative for your health that you maintain that disengagement and take care of you!
All the best, good to hear from you again.
Yes! I totaly agree! I didn't
Yes! I totaly agree! I didn't tell DH or SS this but my side of family all feel SS has been part of the contribution to my condition haha! That, on top of my $hitty manager. After going through all the treatment though, I now learned to look away. I can't fix every problem, so I don't need to deal with it evey time.
DH doesn't want SS to go to
DH doesn't want SS to go to military if college is an option. SS applied a few schools but to be honest with the little effort he does I doubt he can graduate even if he is accepted. I was hoping that he can start learning a trade in his last year in high school, but since I'm not the bio parent, it's not really up to me to decide. DH is really close to take him to tour the homeless shelter though.
we've told both kids that we do not plan to house them forever, not sure how much it has sinned in with SS.
although I wasn't close to dying (thank god) at all, dealing with cancer got me reprioritize things in my life. I guess it's a blessing in disguise haha!
That is the thing, to succeed
That is the thing, to succeed in anything, it requires efforts and dedication, that neither of which I see SS processes. (I believe DH actually feels the same way as me) but you never know, I was hoping that if he gets to learn a trade maybe he would end up fining a passion and actually set him onto a career.
well that didn't happen because DH wants the kid to go to college, which I also understand, since it definitely can feel like a good office job requires a college degree. It's not like I don't want the best for SS, I just think he's definitely not ready now.
All I really want is this kid to be able to support himself one day.
Rags, my comment to
Rags, my comment to EveryoneLies (take care of you!), was pure plagiarism; a duplication of your judicious advice. Hope you don’t mind my using it first?
Yo, me 'ol buddy! You do not
Yo, me 'ol buddy! You do not blather...
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Make SS. Go
to a live ar college, Get him out of the house, CA has state schools. community college that has to take him. Even if he doesn't graduate high school. 1
I want that too!
For both DH and I, we want him to live in the college but also so afraid that he's just going to make a mess there and get kicked out. (Not to mention failing classes since no one is going to remind him turn in hw)
I personally also worry that he's going to set fire and burn the dorm down or something and we end up with a crazy debt. This worry is not from nothing either. DD and I have found him playing fire in the bathroom (why!??). He sneaks the lighters, torch, and candles and lit them up in the bathroom. (Then deny it's him)
I don't even want to understand anymore. I just look forward to the day that this goes away .
Fire setting is a bad omen.
Along with some other things, like callousness, lack of remorse, persistent rule breaking and disregard for authority, it's a symptom of antisocial personality disorder, AKA sociopathy/psychopathy.
It's also particularly disheartening to read that even in the face of cancer, your SS did not consider turning his behaviour around.
But then again, my SO's children did not give a hoot with their own mother dying in hospital, and would prefer to lay into each other, completely ignoring her over a biscuit, where they had to be taken out. This was not a one-off, but rather on a regular basis. What hope do we have then?
Not to excuse this kid, I do
Not to excuse this kid, I do think why he reacts this way is at least partially due to his ASD. He thinks of no one before thinking of himself, and he's always the top priority of his life...and other people's (at least that's how he considers it, even if perhaps unconsciously).
I didn't really expect him to change his behavior after my cancer diagnosis. It is just very ironic because he accuse me of "lying" to him by not telling him right away when I learned that I got cancer. He doesn't understand that diagnosis could possibly had any influence on me and my life, but just that his feelings were hurt because he is not the first person to know. If this is not selfish then I don't know what it is.
Yes, ASD can interfere with putting oneself in others’ shoes.
My steppos have that and ADHD. But I have also met plenty of non-neuro typical kids through work, and while reading and understanding others doesn't come naturally to them, it's also a cause for a major sadness for them, because they so desperately want it and want to do the right thing by others. Many spend hours on YouTube learning how to take perspectives, read social cues etc.
Also, there's a window of opportunity to improve those skills in childhood for them, which your SO has clearly missed and ignored.