The dysfunctional theme/fantasy of SD's life

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SD got married 5 years ago. She has 4 kids and a f/t job. A full-grown 30-something adult.

Why, then, would she have texted DH a photo from her wedding that has DH on one side of her and her mother on the other side (that is a whole other story of DH being totally blindsided that day--he was about to walk out and I made him stay). This would have been a normal photo, in my view, had SD's parents had any semblance of a decent post-marriage relationship. But they did not. They had not spoken for years before the wedding. BM had been banished from our lives because of her aggressive toxic and destructive behavior.

It's like the photo was part of SD's lingering fantasy about her parents. Or was it sent in hopes of causing conflict here? (DH ignored the photo, which is not what I would have done b/c I believe that shows acceptance of unhealthy bs, but that's another story for another time.)

When DH and I began dating, SD threw a major fit. Which is when all of this should have been nipped in the bud. When we got married, she wrote DH a letter, scolding him because he was "supposed" to love her mother "forever." When SD got drunk and wanted to "reconcile," she told me that she had thought I was stealing her father from her [and her mother, because, let's be honest, they are one and the same].

Forever, I have strongly believed that SD was BM's little puppet-child, channeling BM's desires, insecurities, and anger. The two are extremely enmeshed. As far as I can tell, they must agree on everything. One grabs hold of a trend, and the other jumps onboard with zeal.

BM always wanted to own DH. Is that where this has come from or was it that this child truly never got over the fact that her parents divorced so long ago? I am baffled. Whatever it is, it is a theme that was once in our faces head-on and seems to have lingered out there in crazyland.

As a person whose parents were divorced, I just cannot wrap my head around this. My parents had an ugly divorce. There were no photos of them together at any family weddings (that would have been hilarious). None of us had fantasies that mommy & daddy would reunite. We didn't hate and resent their new relationships. Help me out here!

You can’t change SD

She made her choice, it's her fantasy, Your concern is how DH is handling this .

Normal

I think it's a normal desire for SD to have wanted a photo of the "original recipe" parents with her at her wedding. Why she sent it to your DH at this late date is unknown but he did the right thing not to reply.

There's a similar photo of me and my ex at my son's wedding. We hadn't spoken in years after him leveling a gun at me and later kidnapping my son during a horrible divorce. I understood why the photo was being taken.

Yea, it wasn't why the photo

Yea, it wasn't why the photo was taken; it's, like you said, why she sent it to him.

I can imagine the hurt and

I can imagine the hurt and anger this caused you - I would have felt the same. But I think your DH did right to ignore the sending of the photo. These SKIDs who are enmeshed with their parent are forever stuck in some fantasy of the past - my younger SD used to call the time that DH and her mother were together "the golden time" - whereas in fact they fought like cat and dog and it was never a happy relationship. It's rather pathetic, really.

It's more like feeling

It's more like feeling baffled.
"The golden time." That is very telling. Wondering if some of these skids rewrite history (God knows BM did) as if their fantasies have taken the place of reality. I don't think it helped SD that I think her mother gave her hope.

"Mom! What the hell were you thinking?"

My SS expostulated that question years ago as the SpermClan interface years came to a close.

SS was in his early 20s when he started giving his mom crap (teasing her) about having ever dated the Spermidiot. Our son worships his mom. The three of us are very close. He detests his Spermidiot and sadly the rest of the SpermClan has disappointed him to the point that he has written them off completely from his life.

He has not spoken with anyone from the SpermClan in years. He used to be close with his sister (Spawn #2) but even she is a write off at this point in his life.

DW and the Spermidiot were never married. She was one of his several statutory rape victims. He was 23 when SS was born. DW was 16. To this day that my ILs did not put his ass in prison still chaps my ass. None of the parents of any of the children he was raping and molesting ever did including DW's HS BFF's parents. BFF's father was the chief of police in their town and eventually became sheriff. Shit in that cesspool of a town has always baffled me. Everyone has this insanely advanced ability to ignore shit and pretend that everything is wonderful. It is like Cornwall Coombe (Harvest Home) or Stepford (Stepford Wives) where mass delusion and evil bullshit is a common virtue.

When my serially adulterous XW and my XFIL drove off with his truck and a trailer loaded with her crap when she moved out, that was that. I had no further exposure to my XILs until I ran into my XILs at breakfast one day a year of so after DW, SS and I moved back to the area where my first marriage had occurred. I always found it odd that my XMIL would send me a birthday card and $10 every year for a very long time after the divorce.

I do not get the forced facade of family that so many Xs and CODs insist on building and pretending is a thing. If I had polluted my gene pool with my XW, any events (graduations, weddings, GK arrivals, etc) would have been like the Hatfields and McCoys or a summit between S & N Korea at the DMZ village. A hard line boundary and no intermingling. XW would have had her part to play, I would have had mine, and never the twain shall meet.

We never have had this crap to deal with. The SpermClan never has had any presence in SS's life other than visitation during the CS years. They saw him on some of their COd visitations but declined a number of them over the 16+ years under the CO with a number of periods of a year or more with zero visitation. They never once called to speak to him, never sent a B-day card, never sent a Christmas card, never attended any of SS's school events, graduations, military promotion ceremonies, nothing. Not even a congratulations call or card for finishing HS, graduating from Basic, etc....

Which SS had never once mentioned or expressed an issue with.

We had the unicorn of blended family experiences and I have had the unicorn of SParent experiences. My bride nor I would tolerate anything less.

"What the hell were you

"What the hell were you thinking?" is a great question. DH has beat the hell out of himself asking that, something I have tried not to feed into, although I know I have.
I am sickened to hear about the statutory rapist. Your DW and you were so blessed to find one another!

Thank you Mia.

The three of us are fortunate. SS is fortunate that he won the mom lottery and that she and I made protecting him and making a good life for the three of us a commited part of our marriage.

The serial statutory rapist Spermidiot never faced accountabiity. Sadly his 3rd child is the one who the law caught up with. That one is in prison for felony armed burglary. The Spermidiot has glamorized wanting to be a gangbanger and though the Spermidiot is a wannabe, his inmate child first was arrested for a gun violation when he was 16 and ultimately became the criminal that the SPermidiot claimed to be.