How should this have been handled?
So I try not to complain too much because my husband really only has his kids over about once every other month. It's a 15 yr old girl and 13 yr old boy. So recently we ( I ) paid for an airbnb in their home town so that my husband could spend time with them and we invited my husband's family over. Anyways, we arrive on friday, I take my phone charger out of the pickup and put it in the living room. He picks up his kids, they arrive a little later friday night and say "hmm, this is much nicer than i thought it would be." So i was like, ok weirdly unnecessary comment but whatever (their comments also annoy me because they always have something to say about our home and our stuff even though they don't exactly live in a great or new place either). Saturday morning, we're having breakfast and i can't find my phone charger. H says well I'll help you look for it later, his kids are just sitting there so I had a feeling one of them took it. I tell H well can you check in the rooms they're staying in because i left it here and didn't touch it and it didn't walk away on its own. He said he peaked in their rooms and didn't see it but his kids have no reason to need or take the charger. So sunday we're cleaning up and getting everything together to leave. I've never met his ex-wife, she's never asked about me so I figured I don't need to meet her then. I just had him drop his kids off first and then come back for me. Before he left, i told him in front of his kids that friday I had the charger plugged in right there, saturday morning it's gone and we've packed everything up and it's still missing so someone has it. His kids just have this blank look on their faces but wouldn't give me eye contact. H just says he'll help me look when he gets back from dropping them off.
He and I eventually leave and I just said your kids took my phone charger. He says, they wouldnt do that, what would be the reason if they don't need it. I said it's not about need it was to mess with me because they don't like me as much as I don't like them. He said ya ok it was probably G (his daughter). I was so mad because it's just stupid. I made him buy me another charger. I know it's just a stupid little charger but I just felt like, come on dude, obviously your kids took it and I thought he should have had them open their bags. I don't know does that sound like it would have been too much? it's just little crap like this that happens when they're around that I can't stand and I feel like at some point they need to be called out for their crap. A ton of little issues are not ok to let slide just because you want to be their friend. I don't know, maybe I've just got too much pent up frustration with them? I just also wish they knew that if it wasn't for me their dad wouldn't even go and see them half of the time because he can only afford an airbnb if I pay for it or if we split the cost. maybe then they wouldn't be so snotty.
You should complain MORE not less
He doesnt see them often, so hes the guilty/disney dad that doesnt want to hurt their precious fee fees.
guess what - parenting is parenting. Hes too absent to puniish but not too absent to say something relevant like "this is really sucky behavior and I expect better from you two..."
Little things might be little things but the NATURE of those little things make them add up to a big pile of cr@p.
Keep in mind they are still young and things dont get better they get worse.
I agree, he always feels so
I agree, he always feels so guilty and I try to be blunt and tell him that he doesn't have to feel guilty for things not working out and he still has to set boundaries and teach them what's appropriate and what's not. Not looking forward to how things progress.
I guess there is always the
I guess there is always the possibiility that one of his other relatives walked off with it?
I can see that he may be reluctant to make an accusation.. without proof when he doesn't see his kids very often to begin with.. and didn't want to ruin the time.
What I do think he should have done is probably gone in to their rooms and helped them "look" vs just peeking and not seeing it in plain sight.
I would probably be mindful of leaving things out.. and where we are from.. chargers are pretty universal.. so I wonder if they did have a device that could have used yours.. or one of his relatives did.
Ya I thought he should have
Ya I thought he should have gone in there to and i didnt know how hard to push on that. I guess next thing that goes missing i can push harder for him to help them look? I'm the only Android hold out lol everyone else is an iPhone and his kids don't have other devices with them when we see them. I'll definitely not keep stuff out in the future.
!
This puts another spin on it. It was deliberate. Sadly, it sounds like they are messing with you.
J81per, I wanted to send a
J81per, I wanted to send a note of sympathy. It's very frustrating to know that the love of your life will probably never give you a fair shake if his children are involved, but I think that's the case in blended family life with SKs sometimes. I very much believe that my SS has stolen money from me, do weird stuff to my property (for some reason, he's fond of attacking my shoes), and he did in fact snatch my charger like you during a trip. I snatched it back when he wasn't looking.There are so many other trivial violations that I've observed, but cannot necessarily prove, and could never talk to dh about.
I once hinted at the fact that I suspected SS wrecked my shoes, and dh got mad at me for accusing SS. Meanwhile, SS has become quite slick and does not act overtly hostile to me anymore, so that removed the motive for SS to do anything against me, as far as dh is concerned. This makes it harder for me to bring up when I suspect SS has done something. I don't think there is anything that is more infuriating than to be victimized and not believed. But that is the reality for me. It sounds to me that in buying you a charger, your dh ackowledges that your SD did take the charger? Perhaps there is hope? I honestly don't think my dh will ever be open to my accusations because he's quite sensitive to even the smallest suggestion that SS could be a "bad kid" even though SS has stolen dh's credit card and cash several times, and does other stuff. I know.
Oh man i hope it never comes
Oh man i hope it never comes to taking money but I do always keep my purse hidden just in case. But I see what you mean about the kids not being overly hostile so husband has a harder time thinking they would do something bad. I was kind of worried that him buying the charger is going to set a tone for doesn't matter what they do in the future, he'll just replace whatever is lost or stolen so that he doesn't have to actually deal with the issue. Hopefully not.
!
Like tryingjusttrying's SS, these kids sound cunning. They know what they are doing.
It is the same with OSD35; for someone who is intellectually challenged, she is very 'smart' at hiding her deeds from others. This tells me she knows exactly what she is doing.
It is infuriating! Disengagement has helped me tremendously. I do understand it is easier to disengage with someone who is 35, as opposed to a minor.
He should have had them empty their bags on their beds.
When something was stolen at Military school they did 100% junk on the bunk inspections. Every cadet had to empty their foot lockers, every bit of hanging clothing, etc... was inspected. Starting with the Company of the Cadet who reported the theft. They found it. Then the one who had it lived a life of living hell for a very long time. They marched hundreds of hours of tours during their free time carrying a 30Lb pack, and a rifle. They did countless calisthenics, etc.... They also forfeit their right to sign the Standard of Honor or their signature was redline from the standard if they were already Old Cadets and had signed.
It was pretty simple.
1. I will not lie on official statements.
2. I will not cheat on any exams, assignments, or recitations.
3. I will not steal.
4. I will not commit any acts of nonconformity to the rules and regulations of the school or community.
4. I will not tolerate any violations there of.
Living under the standard was a big deal and returned a significant number of priviledges. Violating it, was the single most unpleasant choice any Cadet could make. It could result in dismissal from the school with zero refund of tuition and fees. Even worse, it could result in not being dismissed which was exceptionally unpleasant for a very long time. Not many would return for the following year if they were ruled to have committed a violation of the SOH. Being Red lined or not allowed to sign the SOH could cost a Juco commissioning program Cadet their US Army commission and result in their having to serve their term in the US Army as a grunt level enlisted soldier. rather than commissioning as an officer. Not something anyone wanted to experience since it followed them in their US Army service jacket.
I know of only one who it happened to. He did not survive his enlistment due to his own hand.
These things need to be addressed extremely firmly IMHO. The issue is that it was taken. Finding who took it is the result of that issue. The ones who did not take it, get an apology from the one who did. The one who took it, suck it up butter cup and take your medicine. The official consequences were nothing compared to the consequences enacted by peer Cadets who were subject to the inspection of their junk. due to the thief. Any other violation had similar consequences. Violations by one Cadet impacted the entire Company that they were part of. Violations could take a Company Some of the miscreants had a sever case of never ending twitches due to the consequences their peers applied. A family has rules/standards and similar consequences should apply. If the miscreant does ot immediately admit to their action, the investigation determines who did it. The discomfort caused to the innocent turns the innocent into compatriots in getting the miscreant in line. Peer driven consequences are invariably far more effective even than those applied by those in authority. Family relationships include boundary guilt that other social structures do not have. Unfortunately. Behaviors are what they are and standards are enforced. Many families do not have firm standards and follow more of a wing it formula.
IMHO of course.
It makes sense. If a search
It makes sense. If a search turns up that the cadet/skid didn't steal, they are exonerated and shown to be innocent. Only in StepWorld BizzaroLand would a parent rather their kid live under a cloud of suspicion and have their spouse, their co-head of the household, have to watch their back or hide their belongings. I think it's because deep down, this DH and others like him believe that their poopsie probably does lie and steal but they'd rather raise and live with a liar and thief than "lose" the popularity contest against their ex.
I thought the same thing at
I thought the same thing at first to! If I were their age my parents would have done that and dealt with the issue immediately. I just felt I had no place pushing harder but I really wanted to tell him to have then open everything in front of us before they left. Or have then help us look.
What do you expect him to do ?
He only see his kids once every other month. BM I Sure is upset with DH for some reason [ money]
'So if he saids anything he will be wrong in SK eyes BM eyes,
I just wanted more than a
I just wanted more than a peek into their rooms. But I was also going back and forth on whether it's right or not. I think for sure if it happens again I'll push more and ask him to look with them. He's not behind in support and pays his out of pocket health care costs but ya maybe she thinks it's not enough?
The good news
The good news is that they are only there every other month. And, I realize your DH wants to keep the visits pleasant.
My 3 SKs were here every second they were not in school and that was before they all moved in full time. The boys weren't a problem but SD63 always had sticky fingers for my stuff, still does. Like your DH, my DH87 has always refused to acknowledge that she's a thief, even in the face of proof. In his eyes, she is, and always has been, poor, needy SD who was emotionally damaged by the divorce so if any little object of mine will soothe her, no problem. Like your DH, mine will gladly replace anything she has stolen. Unfortunately, some of it is irreplaceable, like my engraved silver baby cup (sold for the metal, I presume).
I routinely hide my purse, any small valuables and financial paperwork before she comes over. DH hides his wallet, too. He knows.
DW hides her purse from SIL.
Or it gets locked in the trunk of the rental car when we visit my IL clan in SpermLand.
SIL visited a month ago for a weekend and DW was on edge anytime the were in our home. She kept SIL away on day trips and kept a small cross body purse with her never taking it off. Not even when she was driving.
I find the tendency for people to ignore this kind of crap rather than press charges infuriating. Even worse is when when they do steal things, everyone repays the one who was stolen from thinking that forgives the theft by the POS thief. I would take the repayment from whoever is making it, and press charges against the thief just to send a message both to the thief and to the naive person thinking that attempting to mitigate the thief being a theif is a good idea.
With modern monitoring technology, I would be having the thief dragged off in cuffs as constantly as they chose to steal.
my exOSD was a thief since she was little...
My exOSD was a thief since she was little. I remember hearing the stories about her stealing things from her friends when she was little, and she would routinely take things from her sisters. When she was 17 (a couple of years ago) she stole $30 from YSD9. Wouldn't admit it, never got any trouble other than being asked if she did it a couple of times. So the family chipped in the $30 to pay the YSD for her sister's crime. OSD walked away scot-free. I began to realize some time ago, and especially now that I've been away from it for over a month, that this was the dynamic. OSD rules the roost; both houses 'cave' to her demands, her mistakes, her moods, her wishes. I bucked the system (yay me) and ended up leaving over it because that family was going to protect its Queen at all costs. So weird.
OP, while a charger might in and of itself be a trite thing, what it represents is not trite at all. You are not wrong to feel the way you feel. The father's inability to get to the bottom of it and impose punishment is inexcusable. The infractions get bigger and worse as the skids get older.
Yes!
What you are saying is 100% accurate! What my mind fails to understand is the 'Why?' The 'why' of it all.... Why live in dysfunction? Why allow an abusive person carte blanche to wreck havoc on those around them? Why not love them enough to assist them to be the best person they can be? Setting limits on behavior and setting boundaries when those limits fail. Assisting them to get needed therapy, etc. And if that all fails...why not disengage? Life is short! Why spend time with those who cause drama and conflict? Like you said...why are they protecting the "Queen"? As in, "Queen" of dysfunction! Who needs that?
You hit the nail on the head. It is not about the charger. The charger is a symptom and represents other completely separate issues.... Issues that do get bigger and worse as the "Queen" gets older.
How is life for you after leaving? I hope you are doing well. I care.
I hope your finding your freedom to be calming.
Take care of you.
And look how SD63 turned out.
And look how SD63 turned out. Hasn't she been jailed at least once for theft?
Not yet
She wasn't jailed for theft, it was for participation in a scam, so technically theft. Of course, it was all a huge misunderstanding (cough cough).
!
My OSD has been jailed more than once. For assault, more than once. She has been caught shoplifting. She has had a restraining order agaisnt her. She walked right through that restraining order. More court. There were no 'misunderstandings' with her dirty deeds. They were committed blatantly. But no consequeces from family. It appears it was always, "Poor OSD". I simply do not understand. I do understand on a clinical level. On a personal level, just no comprehension whatsoever.
Ugh!
That is sad that he knows. But why on earth, when they 'know' do they not want to make it right? Isn't it the goal to bring up honest, competent, self-sufficient kids who can 'adult'?
No
No, the goal is to magnify good qualities and ignore misbehavior. Another goal is to cover up lack of parenting. Bonus points for convincing others that she's innocent of any wrongdoing.
Ugh!
This is awful, I am so very sorry you have dealt with this for all these years. Blessings to you.
I use nail polish to paint
I use nail polish to paint color (usually pink) on my phone charger and computer charger. I've been doing this for years as soon as I realized the diablas don't ask permission and think what is mine/ours is theirs. BM used to take DH's things for herself whenever she damn well pleased and snoop through all his devices. The (rotten) apples didn't fall far from the BM tree.
?
J81per, have you considered not paying for accomodations for them? The disrespect is bad enough, but when you are footing the bill? Ugh, I feel for you and I'm sorry you are in this situation.
i loved your comment on why
i loved your comment on why do they cover it up! I have had that going through my brain so much. I don't have kids of my own but i have a niece who is same age as SD and when I catch my niece doing things she isn't supposed to I stop her right then and there and fix it. My husband has always said he likes that I do that so why can't he take the hint?
I have thought of not paying for the accomodations but the alternative is that they come over to my/our house. The last two times my husband tried to extend their stay past the weekend and that was a lot for me and our dogs and cats. The cats hide downstairs the whole time they're over and then his kids complain that they're allergic to the cats. The dogs either stay outside more than usual or hide downstairs to. He also does this thing where he takes them shopping for the weekend and buys nothing but junk food that we don't eat and it either goes in the trash or he sends it home with them and i feel like he pays more than enough we don't need to be feeding his ex, her husband and her 3 new kids. It's just a lot when they're over. So, selfishly, I feel it's easier for my sanity and less stress on our pets to make the drive and pay for an airbnb to keep the visit to just the weekend.
Hints don't work. Subtle or loud. They are rarely effective.
So, stop hinting and start controlling. No visits unless daddy has his hairy eyeball all over them and his foot continually up their ill behaved asses. No sending food home with them to BM's. Ever. They visit and they behave, or they do not visit.
Keep it stupid simple.
Make sure daddy understands that there is zero tolerance for his failed parenting and that there will be full confrontation of his children's crap behavior. If he does not do it then you do it and make him and them rue the day you had to bring the pain down on him and them.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
IMHO of course.
Things are easier to see in hind sight. Scripting helps having
to see it in hind sight because with a script, and forethought, there is no need to suffer through it in real time or in hindsight. It is dealt with immediately.
As experience with a mate, skids, ILs, etc.... grows, taking a few minutes to think about crap that is likely to unfold in any given or likely situations after they arrive or a trip starts, forecasting their shit becomes more accurate and having scripted response to those likely scenarios makes addressing them in real time much easier and much more effective. Though the exact situation that is scripted rarely happens, variations of those situations often do happen so having a script in mind to immediately adapt and bring the pain with, keeps anxiety down.
Forewarning the SO that no shit will be tolerated and making it clear that they will keep their toxic failed relationship breeding products under their hairy eyeball or we will deal with it and no one will kike that result..... is golden in keeping mommy or daddy on the razor edge during visits, trips, events, etc.... We can relax, and when the SO complains that they did not enjoy the visit, etc... because they were on edge having to watch their spawn, that is a perfect teaching moment to point out that if they parented effectively all of the time, this would likely not be necessary.
Lather..... rinse..... repeat.
Yes!
Scripting can be useful. Although sometimes I am so shocked that said scripts fly right out of my head.
As people have already said this is not going to get better with
age.. My SD is 23 next month, if she ever finds herself in a situation where she is in the wrong then she will barefaced lie her way out of it. The longer this unacceptable behaviour goes on the harder it is for the Bioparent to deal with it. The hardest thing is that it must be the Bio Parent that deals with it. I'm afraid that if you had pushed harder and the charger was found then there would have been some kind of excuse and then the wails of 'hurt feelings' and 'being poorly treated' - everything in your skids power to make you the baddy.
I don't think them knowing that without you the trip wouldn't happen would inspire any better behaviour from them - I would be inclined to withdraw any involvement/finances from here on in
It's hard and I feel your frustration, low contact/non involvement has given me peace
*give_rose*
Though the BP should be the one to fix their shit, it must be
Thou the BP should be the one to fix their shit, it must be fixed with instant zero tolerance and immediate effective painful consequences.
Keep their noses rubbed in the facts. The thief is a thief. Broadcast that by name. OP payed for trip. That needs to be rubbed in their ill behaved faces while any that engage reasonably and respectfully should be thanked for their behavior as they watch the ill behaved assholes suffer. Pointing out the benefits of reasonable behavior while the noses of the assholes are fully immersed in the stench that they are and that the perpetrate is a powerful lessons for everyone. The mate that brings this behavioral stench to a partnership has to be fully immersed in the pain along with their nasty failed family issue that perpetrates that stench.
Ideally the BP deals effectively with their prior family progeny. If they do not, they they bite their tongue while the SP deals with it. If the BP does not like how the SP deals with it then they can step up and deal with it before the SP has to. Key is that is dealt with immediately, effectively, and to the most stringent standards held by the adults in the marriage. The BP does not get to soft shoe it ineffectively. If that is the case, everyone in the picture needs clarity of what the standards of behavior and standards of performance are and how much misery is associated for violating those standards. Basically FAaFO.
IMHO of course.