How do you get your partner to wake up re setting boundaries..
Anyone got any nuggets of advice re getting your partner to set boundaries and stick to them?
I've been with my partner for 5 years now. I recently found out that my partner has been giving his nightmare ex extra money (more than in their agreement) without my knowledge. The only reason I've forgiven him for this is I told him after all the crap with his never ending divorce (his ex strung it out for 3 years!) that I just didn't want to hear about his nightmare ex anymore.
Anyhow it came out that she has been texting him requests for extra cash for this and that for 6 months now (her new relationship must be on the rocks presumably) - sometimes she was sending demanding texts like 3 times a day!. She has texted him loads over last 6 months, just to keep contact imo. Think she is narcissistic and does it for attention.
Kids used as pawns to ask my partner for money - not unusual to have to put up with hearing 'mum says you need to buy me trainers, 'mum says you need to get my hair cut', etc when they are staying with us. The latest nonsense was the ex had committed to spending loads of extras on non essentials for kids then has made out that my partner needs to pay for half of it and is awful for not doing so. Basically my partner hasn't given in to all these ridiculous requests but has caved on some as he was suckered in to it being for his kids....
Anyhow, I went crazy when I learnt that my partner was funding extras and have gone over boundaries with him and his kids as I think honesty is the only way to deal with narcissistic ex's nonsense. Upshot of that is kids badmouthing me to him, questionning how dare I say anything etc. And ex pretending now she won't contact him (that will last like a week!).
I guess I'm worried that my partner is just gonna cave again with all this nonsense and feel it's just me fighting this battle and maybe it is. Obviously think I'm about to be scapegoated too now by virtue of the ex pushing the kids' buttons...
Has anyone had any success tackling this BS? Just want it gone from my life. I have my own home and am not financially dependent on my partner but have started making more demands over last couple of years that he actually adequately contribute financially to our household now, and he does.
I am not married and don't
I am not married and don't live with my SO, so it was easier for me. But basically I forced boundaries by making him more afraid of my reaction than of BM's. I just couldn't deal with the enmesnment and would have rather broken up than continued to deal with it. It also helped that i started as soon as i realized the depth of dysfunction. It worked, but at a cost. I felt like a bad person, because it took me acting in a way that i wasn't proud of to make it work. Yelling, witholding affection, harsh words, etc. I still have a lot of anger, guilt, and just all around resentment of the whole thing. But the b.. isn't a problem anymore. Not on a daily basis, anyway. She still pushes the boundaries every chance she gets, though, which is why i haven't taken the next steps in the relationship.
If i could do it again, i would have had an honest conversation about what i could and could not tolerate, and calmly pulled back emotionally and physically (without the yelling/tears/etc.) if the lines continued to be crossed. If asked why the change, i would calmly explain. He has to want to change and has to be the one to initiate and maintain the changes for it to work without the resentment. At least, that's how i wish it had gone. Because the way things are now, i still wonder if he secretly resents me for taking away his enmeshed relationship with BM (I think it filled a need to fuel his "rescuer" complex) or causing estrangement between him and the family members of his who "took her side."
Is there a court order? If
Is there a court order? If there is, what his child support covers (and though he should be buying what the kids need when they're with you, his child support is supposed to cover their needs at her home) and what any possible "extras" should be detailed in there. He should not be paying a penny more than he is required to. Her inability to manage her finances should not be his problem since the divorce.
This is over and above child support
The child support agreement was written up, and you are right there are no agreed extras. He is being guilted in to alot of it, by ex telling kids they can't go to activities as dad won't pay for it etc. Some we are allowing kids to use pocket money for, but she keeps going over and above this with more and more demands. Very difficult as ex is using kids as tools in all of this.
If the kids are old enough
If the kids are old enough (older than 8-ish), if they come to him about BM's money demands, he can show them proof of what he already pays her each month and explain that any extra puts financial strain on him, making it harder for him to pay for his house, his food, etc.
The message to the kids has
The message to the kids has to be that dad has already given mom that money. Then show them a continually updated spreadsheet of every Cent he has paid BM. Giving a kid the clear factual numbers of what SO has given to BM for the support of the kids via CS is a very poweful boundary to bring forward. "I have already paid your mom for that. Go ask her for the money since I already gave it to her." is the Ace serve to send in BM's direction when she tries this maipulative guilting bullshit.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
This.. but it doesn't mean
This.. but it doesn't mean that the responsibility for buying clothes and doing haircuts etc.. necessarily have to fall 100% on his EX.. he should be doing some of that.. he has custody some of the time.
There also CAN be extras that kids need or want that parents may want to spend.. but it shouldn't be a case of her giving in to the kids.. then just putting a hand out.
I would put special items like a ski trip or bigger ticket electronic in that category.
I would also consider whether what he is paying for CS is "reasonable". Is it a minimal amount.. how is custody split. would it be increased if they went back to court "now".. and if so.. is the extra he forks over more or less than that update would be? is some of the spending for extracuricular activities that need to be or should be split in a CO?
Finally, finances need to be split in OP's relationship. They need to decide what the fair share of household expenses is.. she pays HER share.. he pays HIS share... then they agree on plans for general retirement planning etc.. and commit to that.. after that.. she is free to spend excess as she wants.. and her DH is also.. if he chooses to spend extra on his kids vs going golfing with buddies.. that's his choice.. but if his lack of saving for joint goals is the victim of spending on kids.. THAT is a boundary that OP needs to have with her DH.
I (possibly incorrectly) read
I (possibly incorrectly) read the OP as she is upset by the frequency of communication from the ex, since she said she thought the ex was doing it for attention. But i agree that the guy should be able to spend some "extra" on his kids if he wants to, as long as it doesn't threaten the joint household finances or their financial future (if all he keeps for himself is enough to pay his share of the bills, will it fall on OP to support them in old age?) I saw it as the BM is continually texting him "for the kids" and he feels obligated to cater to her whims. Not sexy.
That is the boundary she
That is the boundary she needs to set with her DH.. to limit his "availability" to his EX. That means perhaps requiring them to use a parenting app vs texting.. or maybe setting rules on when he responds.. like.. he can respond to her texts.. once a day or every other day...
It's not so much that HE sets boundaries with the EX.. but she gets him to limit his availability.. which may find that his ex finds more responsive people to ping for attention.
The kids have allowances
The kids have monthly allowances/spending money and we spend extra on them when they are with us. What I am not happy about is extra requests from the ex coming in to my home, and extra demands generated from the ex that are being communicated via the kids. I don't feel it's fair on the kids to be used as messengers. I guess what I'm not comfortable with is the ex trying to ask for extras and still trying to get extra financial support, as for me that isn't part of the deal, and is like the former couple are still in a relationship, I feel financial ties as in asking favours should be cut.
Boundaries and rules are
Boundaries and rules are different.. you can't have a boundary that puts an obligation of certain behavior by another party.
It's not necessarily fair that the kids are used as messengers.. but the kids sound like they are teens.. at that age, they can actually be advocates for things they want.. and if mom won't give it to them.. they can ask their father.. but it is a situation that he should handle diplomatically. If they are constantly asking for things that he cannot afford and are well within an expected boundary that CS should cover. He can say.. "I pay your mother CS every month and that is the kind of thing that should be paid from those funds". but, he does need to keep in mind.. that CS is not for 100% of his kid's needs/wants.. he has them some too and should be buying things on his own as well.. in some relative way to the time he spends with them.. and if he is financially well able to provide his kids extras.. it's his perogative to do so.
If the requests are for things that benefit the EX.. like they are asking him to make her car payment.. furnish her home.. those are things he should be drawing a line over..
I would also say that I would NOT be handing the money over to the EX.. if there is a specific and reasonable need.. he pays that directly.. pays the tuba lesson guy.. buys the shoes vs giving money to buy.. pays half the baseball sign ups.. but no to handing over a significant amount of cash to the EX.
If he truly feels his kids are suffering because mom doesn't have food on the table.. can't keep the heat on during winter.. maybe he should get the kids full time to ensure their feeding and safety.. (but remember, is this really what you would want.. sometimes there is a lesser of two evils).
Your issue is not so much the EX really.. it's your DH who is making himself overly available to his EX.. that's something that is between you and him and he can't control his EX.. but he can control how he responds.. or doesn't respond to her.
Two different boundary issues here...
Firstly, the incessant communication from the ex, thats very bothersome, and used to drive me crazy. Their enmeshment was the root cause of my consternation. So - thats one boundary to work on. When he would work on the Toxic Trolls car (for the chiiiiillllreeeeennnnnn) I would call him her "car b!tch" and he didnt like it that much. I made stinks about things, and told him upfront that she wants to stay relevant in his life, and he needs to "cut the cords". There was a lot of other things, but it took some time.
The other thing is the financial. You should definitely require him to contribute his fair share of household expenses. As long as he can cover those things (rent, food, utilities, etc) then there really is nothing you can do about curtailing his spending on the kiddos. I tried when Husband would buy beds for the kids that were to go in Toxic Troll Bms apartment, but because it was for the for the chiiiiillllreeeeennnnnn, I had to let it go. Pick your battles and stand firm. He doesnt have money for groceries? He will need to say no to activities with BM (that one is wierd, but whatever...)
You tell him to knock it off.
You tell him to knock it off.
I have to ask, do you work and earn a paycheck? Is your paycheck making UP for his CS and all this moo-la he hands over to his ex?
Add up what you think he has given his X above and beyond CS for the last 6months. Run to the store and get cash back every single time you go to the store until you have all if not most of that money he dished out to her. Stash and hide that cash back money.
BM gets extra, you better believe that YOU get the same extra. . DH will have to get a second job as long as he wants to play that game. Stop supplementing his actions with you pay check. When he pays out child-support HE ALSO has to bring that same amount to put back into your pot at home for bills. Same for the extra money he is gifting his ex. YOU do not cover his cs and extra loss. See what I mean?
*ps don't forget to throw out those receipts in the stores trash, showing cash back
JMO---
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This is a hoot! I have questions though.... Doesn't your husband say, "Honey what on earth did you buy at Target for $450?" You said you throw away receipts...my DH would be on to me because I save receipts and track the budget closely. I handle the money but he looks at the ledger sometimes.
I am glad I do not have CS or minor children to deal with. However, we set gifting limits the same for each of our families. Steptalkers, is this common in most households to 'notice' the finances and where they are going in blended families? Please share!
Trudie,
Trudie,
BAHHHH, don't spend 450 at Target,,omg nooooooooooo LOL
Lets figure your total at Target is 110.00. Take back 20 or 40 cash back
every time you run to the stores 
The cash adds up.
!
I get it!!! One could get a good secret stash for sure!
Separate bank accounts and
Separate bank accounts and marriage counseling. That worked for us.
Counseling...
...is great in general! I believe marriage couseling can even benefit great marriages.
same minus the marriage
same minus the marriage counseling
I have no BKs, but I also have never had this problem.
DW and I aligned on just about day one that all resources are marital resources. We married when SS-32 was 15mos old. So our family, our home, our rules, our boundaries, our standards of behavior, and our standards of performance have always been his primary example and experience. Though he also saw and experienced the counterpoint of toxicity and failure demonstrated by the SpermClan.
The key is that those standards are inviolable and no-one is allowed to violate them without immediate overwhelmingly unpleasant consequences.
Time to bare your SO's ass each and every time he does this sneaky XW payoff bullshit. He pays what he is court ordered to pay to BM and not one farthing more. Ever. For any reason. When the SKids come with the Mom says you have to pay........" he needs to immediately sit them down, print out the current spreadsheet showing every penny he has paid to BM and tell them that he has already given their BM the money for (Insert BM money grab attempt here). Unless there is another element of support beyond CS that is clearly ordered in the Court Order, CS is all that BM ever gets from your SO. This keeps things simple. Any manipulation gets the same answer "Ask your mom. I already gave her money for that." If you and your SO decide to give a SKid a gift, then it is discussed, and agreed upon before that gift is given directly to the SKid. Not to the BM to give to the SKid.
Key to success in any relationship with a prior breeder is that things are no longer about the X, or their kids. Everything is now about making a life together. IMHO of course. That means the couple are the sole priority for each other. Kids are not the priority over the couple. Ever. Minor children are always the top adult responsibility for the couple regardless of who spawned those kids, but they are never the priority. A priority and a responsibility are two very different things. Never let those definitions and lines become blurred. Never tolerate the breeder partner to mistake those things. Ever. Adult children are neither a priority nor are they a responsibility. The X(s) are irrelevant.
To me the only boundary regarding financial support of the failed former family is that the NCP pays what is COD. Nothing more. If I were you, I would sit him down and inform him that if he ever gives BM anything above the COd CS, without prior discussion and agreement, the relationship is over, you are done, and he is gone.
We never had to have this discussion. We respected each other and our marriage was our priority. Raising our son (my former SS who asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo) was our focused joint responsibility. The SpermClan, was just shit that we stomped on when necessary and then scraped off of our shoe. If they were reasonable, we dealt with them reasonably. Sadly, they were rarely if ever reasonable so that made the playing field we navigated during our CO years pretty simple and clear.
Raising SS together was certainly another story. But my bride being the CP with full physical and legal custody who received CS from the NCP (though a pittance), and having a clear long distance visitation schedule made our journey comparatively simple to the shit show that so many SParents have to deal with,
If you do not immediately set the standards of behavior and standards of performance for your SO and his spawn, don't waste your time moving forward with him or them in your life.
IMHO of course
The Step-parent Bill of Rights is a good base line of boundaries to love and live by while adding more structure as you move forward in this relationship. Item 6 is particularly relevant to your post. Remember, the CO is also the SParent's best tool for managing the blended family adult relationship. So, get a copy of your SO's CO, learn it, live it, love it, and enforce it on ... your SO, on BM, and on the SKids.
Step-parent Bill of Rights
1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
Thank you
Thank you, really helpful. I'm going to remember, the 'your dad already paid your mum for that', and ask my partner to use it to. Simple but effective, love it.
You have to take over the household money
DH has showen if he's in control he pays exter, second thing all communication with the ex has to be done by texts that are saved. You can read them. Third you need to have a honest discussion on what esters you will pay for. $ 100 exter each month ? a hair cut and something else.
I agree about OP being able
I agree about OP being able to see the communication. It might seem controlling to some, but who wants to be in a marriage where one partner is in daily private communication with their ex, making decisions about when the kids are in your home and about where the household finances go, without consulting you, who is supposed to be an equal head of the household?
To me, what got me was BM constantly calling and texting my SO, bouncing the kids back and forth sometimes multiple times per day at her whim. Or sometimes just showing up with them or to get them, unannounced. I put a halt on marriage and cohabitation plans because i won't live that way. The financials didn't bother me since we hadn't combined households, but he wanted me over at his house a lot and sleeping there, and BM's constant interruptions and the skids coming in and out (and in the beginning, BM coming in and out) were very disruptive. Imagine staying over at your SO's house and walking into the kitchen in your PJs to get a glass of water thinking the 2 of you are alone in the house, and there is BM putting food in the fridge. Just no.
A prime example of why the SP needs to love and enforce the
The prime example of why the SP needs to love and enforce the CO to the letter including the visitation schedule.
Not many SPs or Breeders recognize the CO as their best friend in the blended family marriage. IMHO the SP needs to have the CO tattooed on the inside of their eyelids so they see it constantly 24/7 and their prior breeder mate needs to know that the CO will be complied with. The CO is as much or more of a critical success factor for the SP than it is for the divorced dad or mom in the new marriage.
If I were to find myself dating a parent with minor spawn at any point in my future (complete hypothetical considering I am 60yo) I would demand a copy of the their CO/Divorce decree/CS information on the second date. After that the phrase "That won't work for me as it violates your CO" would likely be the most spoken phrase for the duration of that relationship if the BioParent partner did not live and die by the CO unless they addressed any deviation from the CO before hand and I gave my approval.
SPs, never forget that the CO is not only the governing document for your mate's life, it is your best tool for managing your life when you choose a prior failed family breeder to be your life partner.
Rumplestiltskin, I have no idea how you tolerated that for a single hour much less for years.
If I were you and had been at my SOs house the BM would rue the day..... I would be prancing around in just barely there sleepwear at my leisure and if the spirit moved me to be intimate with my partner I would make damned sure the house was rockin starting the second BM entered the house. An X has zero place in the home of their X under any circumstance, ever. IMHO. They call from the curb. They do not set foot on the property and for damned sure they do not enter the home.
Grrrrr!
SpermGrandHag hated having the CO rolled up and smacked against her nose every time she played games. Which is what made it our best tool for defending SS from them.
Help with boundaries....
Boundaries, rules, guidelines, etc. I believe it is imperative to discuss anything you are uncomfortable with or question...right away. Habits are hard to break and silence indicates acquiescence. Many see this as conflict, and see conflict as a negative. Conflict can/should be navigated with kindness, respect, and grace...and with intent for mutual resolution.
My DH is conflict avoidant and I am comfortable discussing just about anything, so this was tough for him at first. He thought conflict was 'bad'; likely because his family sweeps anything unpleasant under the rug. He has learned this is not healthy, and is very dysfunctional. Conflict is not bad, it fosters resolution and decreases resentment. How did I navigate our differences? If something happened that I was uncomfortable with, I would bring it up. Every. Single. Time. Yes, it was hard at first. Like anything foreign, there is a learning curve. Think the situation through and do not initiate a conversation when angry. Tone of voice really matters. This has worked well for us. And, yes, I expect him to initiate conversations with me if there is something he is uncomfortable with. Communication is a two-way street.
Every. Single. Time. Exactly!
Yep. Simple, direct, effective. Works wonders in any relationship but is absolutely critical in a blended family partner relationship.
YOU have the upper hand!
"I have my own home and am not financially dependent on my partner but have started making more demands over last couple of years that he actually adequately contribute financially to our household now, and he does."
This stood out to me. It appears as though your SO is enjoying a budget lifestyle on your dime. He doesn't have to pay 100% of his own housing/utility/grocery costs, and he has extra money to burn. He acquieses to his ex's demands because he can afford it, thanks to living under YOUR roof.
It also sounds like for a few years in the beginning, that you were probably subsidizing more of his costs since you state you are demanding he pay more "now."
Bottom line: Your SO is abusing your financial generosity, is being disingenuous by not telling you is giving money to ex (because you said you didn't want to hear about her) and thinks he can pull one over on you, in general. In addition, the skids are disrespecting you and turning you into the proverbial witch.
IMO, this is what I would do: I'd tell him that the living arrangements no longer work for you. Give him 30 days to find his own place to live. Be adamant that you don't WANT TO end the relationship, but you will HAVE TO if you don't go to separate living arrangements.
His response will be telling. If he isn't using you, he will get his own place to keep your relationship. That may be a good thing to do for a few years and you can reassess if living with him is the best option, or if it is better to have separate households.
If he balks at moving out, then your relationship doesn't mean that much to him and you will know he is only using you a subsidy for his lifestyle.
Thanks
Thanks for the feedback. Yes it is true that my partner has enjoyed a much better lifestyle with me than he would have had on his own. I've benefited from his help on a number of things too though, so he has tried to contribute in other ways. If he was on his own he would have had none of this extra cash to hand over you are right, which is exactly why it is all the more grating. I also find it annoying as it feels like just because I'm in a decent position in life and have a house, it seems the ex feels she is entitled to more as my partner is benefiting. This really annoys me as she has done nothing but try to keep my partner financially tied to her for as long as possible and has held on for dear life (it's complicated, his ex strung their divorce out for years and he had to force it to court eventually (requiring alot of wasted money and stress), and the family home isn't going to be sold for another 5 years so she has basically managed to keep my partner's money all tied up there so we can't move on or buy our own property together because of that). I obviously did not expect such a nightmare situation at the outset and to be fair to my partner put himself through hell trying to get financially untangled from her in terms of their house. His ex is very unreasonable and has tried to financially hang on at all costs, out of laziness or control I don't know.... Unfortunately the judge fell for her crap.
It was me who asked him to move in with me originally, so don't plan to turf him out currently if he sticks to boundaries. Whether I'm being used I don't know, I feel like he is genuine but has just been very unlucky with the way court went and had to agree to a very unfavourable deal to try to get rid of the ex one day at least.
Ok.. so I was not in too
Ok.. so I was not in too terribly of a different situation with my DH (though he was not in a house situation with his ex). I made a good deal more than him and owned my home (with mortgage.. not outright) when we met. He moved in with me and the deal was that he would pay toward our joint living.. with some general allowance due to the fact that he provided us a lot of value in savings in other areas.. like fixing our cars.. doing all the home and farm maintenance.. mowing.. care and feeding of animals.. etc... No, it wasn't always a super great financial split.. but he was also at the time trying to run his own business.. with an asset he had prior to us getting together (long story.. but it was not something easily liquidated.. it wasn't like he could just sell it.. but he did work to ensure that loan obligation on it did not eat into "my" money) He has always been a good partner (I mean.. we all have our good and bad days..lol).. put forth more than 100% effort to be supportive to me.. etc..
But, the bottom line is that if this is your home... what you should probably be doing is set a reasonable "rent" that he should pay.. and that can factor in a lot of things.. it can factor in your relative earning.. market rate for a rental in your area.. how much he has his kids in your home etc.. there are things that may increase or decrease what a reasonable split is. If he is providing meaningful contributions to things you would otherwise have to pay for.. you can factor that in as well. Like, he provides monthly landscaping work.. he does the cleaning.. he keeps vehicles in good working order.. does home repairs.
But, generally, if the home is yours.. you are 100% responsible for upkeep and repair and improvements to the home.. and he basically pays a fair "rent" plus a share of utilites, groceries etc... he gets no ownership in your home.. but he does contribute in exchange for him living there.
You will factor that in using his income BEFORE his CS or other obligations to his ex.
Then, if you jointly agree to contribute money to some joint savings goals.. that can be another bucket he puts money into (and you too).. for things like vacations.. etc..
You each also agree on plans for how you are looking forward to retirement and agree to contribute to employer plans.. or set up some other savings mechanism for that.
After that? I believe you each should be able to spend your residual money as you wish. As long as your spending is not negatively impacting the other person.. and by that I mean.. he doesn't short his joint obligations to you.. to pay for EXTRAS for his kids.
Now.. kids have extras.. there are extra curricular activities they may enjoy.. equipment.. uniforms.. instruments.. clubs they may join.. associated trips.. there are things that kids have that WILL go beyond what might be basically covered in Child Support.
You don't mention how much he is required to pay for his kids... there's a difference in how you might want to view CS being truly able to cover things if he is only paying 400/month.. vs 1600 per month. Clearly 400/month is pretty meager.. and most people would not see that as able to really support 2 kids.. even half.. (my groceries for my dh and I top 200/week! yeah.. we are not eating ramen.. but still that stuff is expensive).
I'm guessing that the reason she wanted the house tied up is she was probably not going to be able to secure housing easily on her own.. and that may be why it is sounding like 5 years before that gets liquidated.. I know it's frustrating.. but with today's real estate market.. it can be tough.. many areas just don't have many rentals available.. and the prices.. yikes.. we recently looked in our rural area for my OSD.. a dump one BR house for 1250 (bare plywood flooring).. 100 plus year old houses that were updated poorly for 200 plus thousand.. It's crazy.. on her salary there was barely anything that she could scrap by getting. and her DH's lawyer is dragging feet on getting a CS hearing set up... keeping her poor.
In a way, some of what you have here is going to be a shift in your own mindset. You can ask him to be less responsive to his EX. No reason to immediately text back when she does.. he CAN make himself less available. That's one part of it.
But.. as far as whether he gives her money? I think you keep finances separate.. with the exception of the above setup..him paying rent and keeping to agreed contributions. Then.. you have to let it go.. because he can spend his money on his kids.. on a tattoo.. on golfing.. on fancy boots.. just like you can spend your discretionary on what you want.. without him having to ask permission per se. As long as the rent and contributions is fair.. then I think you have to figure out how to let him make decisions on how to spend his money.. as long as it's not impacting what you are able to spend or your budget. As long as you are both spending money to cover your agreed upon obligations and savings as a couple.. do you want him to micro manage what you spend? he shouldn't necessarily have to answer to you on his EXTRA money.
But, if you are giving him some special "break".. maybe that needs to be reset so that he is truly pulling his full weight.. and you can let the rest go?
"I recently found out that my
"I recently found out that my partner has been giving his nightmare ex extra money...without my knowledge. The only reason I've forgiven him for this is I told him after all the crap with his never ending divorce (his ex strung it out for 3 years!) that I just didn't want to hear about his nightmare ex anymore.
Anyhow it came out that she has been texting him requests for extra cash for this and that for 6 months now ...sometimes she was sending demanding texts like 3 times a day!. She has texted him loads over last 6 months, just to keep contact"
I went back and re-read what you wrote. Honestly, there is more here that is problematic than just the money itself, TBH. This behavior of his is a breach of trust, at a minimum, and outright disrespect at the max.
IMO, he has "lied" by omission over and over again. Getting multiple texts per day from her? For months? Sending her money and not telling you? When you were giving him a break on financial matters? His kids badmouth you and he does nothing?
But back to the money - As you admit, it is only because of YOUR generosity in his living arrangements that he is able to send money to HER!! Think about that for a minute. He isn't the only one benefitting, his ex is too. How do you know she hasn't been putting that extra money right in her pocket? And laughing all the way to the bank at YOU, because you enabled him to do it.
As you also mentioned, she ramped up her demands for money once he was with you. She knew exactly what she was doing. Hell, I'm a stranger and I know what she is doing. Don't tell me he didn't.
If the kids need something, he could have easily provided those things directly to/for them and never once handed over money to his ex.
I stand by my opinion about separate living arrangements. Like I said, no one says you have to break up. Just live apart, together.
At least you will be certain you are not subsidizing his ex wife's spending cash, nor will you have to be insulted by skids in your own home.
I agree that it is about
I agree that it is about trust and respect more than the money (though if it's threatening OP's household solvency, that's different!)
OP says she doesn't like her SO texting and talking to BM multiple times per day and making decisions without her. Instead of thinking "You know, this is kind of excessive and it's hurting my relationship.", this guy takes the coward and the cheat's way. He still does it, but he sneaks and hides in order to keep pleasing his ex.
Not sexy.
!
Soooo not sexy! Hard pass. Out.
!
You have broken this down well...cold, hard facts stated succinctly.
OP, run. You deserve better than this. Blessings to you, I care.
I have had big issues with my
I have had big issues with my SO and BMs over communication with him. We have worked and worked on this. We even had a therapist finally get thru to him that when he acts nice to BM and plays into her texts, she always wants something. It was getting a lot better but then things happened where the kids didn't want to be around him and when BM started asking him to give SS rides , she texts everyday again, he has been letting her because he is loosing the kids. He said he wanted to drive SS the last couple of month because he was getting his driver license and SO knew that the only time he saw him one on one was in the car. BM also signs SS up for sports and private lessons and tries to get more and more money out of my SO. He used to give 100 percent for all sports. He is still giving but considerably less. CS clearly states the amount he is to give a month and he does not have to give anything for all these wants that BM and SKs ask for. But if he gives zero them BM tells the kids he doesn't care. I agree that SO should be helping out but I also believe he should have a say in how many activities the kids can do. But he has zero say . I guess what I am saying that it is hard for some of these dads to set and keep boundaries because of what BM does. It really upsets me. Good luck to you and I hope something works out for you.
It's hard watching your SO
It's hard watching your SO turn into a pathetic simp for another woman.
My DW was of the mind that if she catered to the SpermClan they
My DW was of the mind that if she catered to the SpermClan they would not take their crap out on the kid when he was in SpermLand for visitation. I stayed on message that she needed to be firm with them rather than tolerate their crap. It took a few years to get her to see that they were taking their toxic crap out on the kid any way and that when she kept her foot on their throats they actually behaved far better than when she lost her spine in holding them to standards of decency toward her and SS.
She finally took the zero tolerance stance. As long as DW kept to that model, the SpermClan was extremely hesitant to pull their crap. They still would try after increasingly long periods of staying under their slime covered rock at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool.
SS would still not infrequently be upset when returing home from SpermClan visitation after they would load up on SS about how mean his mom was. That got them exposed to SS's ire during the next visitation after we would review the CO, etc... with SS to give him the facts. He would then be upset about the SpermClan lying to him. It is a delicate balance to keep the toxic dipshits in their place while recognizing the emotion that the SKid(s) come home with after manipulation and bullshit. IMHO the solution is to bare the idiot's asses by increasingly educating the SKids with the facts in an age appropriate manner.
This is not a one and done thing. DW would back off on the throat crushing of the SpermClan every few years with a sympathetic "They have learned. I don't have to be so rough on them anymore.". Invariably as soon as she would back off they would immediately go back to their usual crap and amplify it instantly. A couple of those cycles finally ended the empathetic slant that DW had in their direction. From then on, it was constant pain amplified when they forgot how painful it would get for them when they got stupid-er.
SKids sadly bear the brunt of losing the parent marriage lottery. It is worse when one side, the other, or both sides lose contact with brain function.
If he can give his ex extra
If he can give his ex extra cash, then tell him he needs to match it for you as well. He can pick up the phone bill, pay water bill, buy groceries, etc. If not, give him the guilt trip that he is showing favortisim and who in their right mind would want to stay in a relationship where the current partner is not a priority? Even if he is a millionaire, it's the principle.
Naaah
You want that money directly deposited in your savings account.
On boundaries. If your mate won't set them, you do it.
Then you enforce those boundaries/standards of performance and standards of behavior and apply consequences.
My DW did upon occasion take exception to that. My message to her at those times was that if she did not like how I parented and disciplined she could step up and get it done before I had to do it. If she did not do that then she could have my back and we could discuss it in private.
Coddle parenting tends to grow shit humans. No one has to accept that in their own home, family, and marriage.
All IMHO of course.