Feel like an outsider
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I'll.try to keep this brief. I'm a SD to three SKs. I love these kids, but I'm always going to be an outsider.
I told my partner this and her reaction was quite cold, never really got over it and all I spend a lot of my time feeling like I'm a guest in their home, looking in on their family. Mum was married to their dad, it didnt work ouy and I feel like a consolation prize It's a lonley place, I've decided I won't talk to my partner again about it.
Sorry, just needed to vent.
I'm sorry you're feeling that
I'm sorry you're feeling that way. You must feel very lonely. Did you move in w/ them?
How is your relationship with
How is your relationship with your partner otherwise? Is it loving? do you feel valued and important to them?
I know many people get into a relationship with someone who has kids and sees the kids becoming part of their family too.. but the reality is the kids do in most cases, have two parents in their lives.. and they don't really "need" another authoritarian figure. It may be possible, depending on circumstances (age of kids etc.. ) to develope a friendly relationship.. but that is just not in the cards for everyone.
What you don't necessarily get is three loving kids that look up to you... what you should be getting is three children (assuming they are minors).. that are civil to you and not outright rude.. and THAT is the standard your partner should be holding them to.
For many women, they have a somewhat different problem.. the male partner pushes his parenting responsiblities on his new partner but doesn't support her and the kids just resent it.. the EX resents it and the stepmom is burdened with a situation that is more interractive but probably worse than feeling a little left out by children.
Im not sure if they are there full time or not.. but it does free you to pursue interests of your own vs being held to being "there" for the kids.. so there is a potential silver lining...
Of course.. if your partner is excluding you.. THAT is a problem.. and that would seem to require counseling or rethinking the relationship
How do you see yourself in
How do you see yourself in this family? How would you like to see yourself? What would it take to reconcile these situations?
You say you got a cold reception when you tried to talk about it to your partner and won't bring it up again. Please don't do that. If you dig your heels in, nothing will change. Are there things you could do to make you feel useful, if not included? Do you have any common interests with any of the kids?
Have you considered counselling? Would your wife be open to this? If not go alone, it should help you find the tools to cope.
Above all, don't just let things go so as not to make waves. Your life is IMPORTANT and don't you forget it!
I always felt as a consultant prize
She had kids with BF. and I never received that level of love or making a life together. Even throw she never keep in contact with the ex. Still felt iwasbt loved that much. Other fact. I really don't know if she really loved anybody . But I felt not loved
You are an outsider only if you tolerate being treated as one.
So, stop that.
That said. You are clearly miserable. So why be a part of this shit show if you are miserable?
Never take a backseat in your own life and in your primary relationship. Instead of never speaking with your partner about it again, step to the forefront, live your life with energy and radiance fully frontal and in your SO's face. Guest in their home my ass. Even if they were living there before you and your partner met, you are equity partners and you are the adult in that relationship with your partner. So, your relationship, it is YOUR home. Kids are not the priority. You and your mate are the priority. Kids are the prime responsibility but never the top priority over the partners and their relationship together.
Like you, I am StepDad with no BKs. SS-32 is an only for my wife and I. We met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. Put your foot down, tolerate nothing less than your place as your SO's equity life partner. Being a StepDad is not easy. But it can be rewarding and you can live a great life with your partner when you do it with the right partner and make the standards of behavior and standards of performance crystal clear for the SKids and everyone else in the picture.
Live your best life. Nothing less.
Take care of you.
THIS!!!!
THIS!!!!
I've been in the game for almost three decades and went through all the exclusion. I had it all wrong though. I way over-functioned because I thought the reason I was exluded was beause I lacked something. I thought that if I achieved enough, got a killer figure enough and so on, they'd finally accept me. Well, it doesn't work that way.
I started to stand up for myself and not take any shit. I realized that when my DH reacted very much like your DW did, it was to literally train me to shut up and eat shit. Well, nope, nope, nope! I will not be invisible in my own damn home. I will not be treated like an interloper in my own marriage. I wish I could find the Step Mother's Bill of Rights. It applies to step dads too. One of the tenets is that, "I will not be treated like an interloper in my own marriage/home."
You are 50% of the marital equation so that gives you every right to speak up about not being happy. Maybe start with one on one regular date nights with your DW and go from there. But definitely do not accept being smacked down.
SPBOR - Here you go Evil4
Step-parent Bill of Rights
1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
I feel this
I completely understand how you feel,,, and I hope you handle it better than I can,,, my husband has 5 grown kids,,, yes I said 5,, I deserve an award,, or a Valium,,,, it's been horrible,,, even though they are grown up,,, they are still needed and he still supports some and they are obnoxious,,, they do not treat me with respect,,, they think I live in their house (they all still had rooms even though he bought the house when they were grown ups),,, I finally stood up for my happiness,,, we bought a house together,, with 1 guest room,,, for a guest,,, they no longer can keep all their shit in my house while they keep their apartments clean and empty,,,and if I'm not treated with complete respect ,, they are not welcome in a house that has my name on the title!!! At least my husband understand how I feel,, he has to realize how obnoxious they are,,, but they are nothing to me,,, and not welcome around me if I'm not treated with the utmost respect,,,, I know this is major compared to you situation,,,, but claim your space and make it yours,,, it's not a good feeling to feel like your house is not your home