Improper daughter father and domestic abuse
Hi everyone. I created a post a year ago then wrote to admin to have it removed from fear of what repercussions to come. I am so scared to make the right choice and do not know what to do first.
I've lived with my fiancé and his 2 kids boy 8 girl 7 for 2 years, though I've known him/his family since I've been 5. His house is a few hundred feet from his mom and dad of which employ him, babysit, cook, cut his lawn (you get the picture).
When I first came his son would consistently take his hand open first and shove it up inbeteeen my legs. It took me a long time to tell my fiance, when I did he said "he doesn't know what he's doing". Though he slowed down a lot, the hitting on my rear, chest and face continued. I've brought it up as well as stopped the 9 year old, it continued on. There are no rules or chores with either children.
The nature of his relationship with his daughter has kept me up many many nights. She is treated so very differently than her brother and isn't held to any moral standards. She does no wrong in comparison to her brother. My fiancé caresses her to the point I feel like an outsider and as if I'm in a movie a horrible horrible movie. I do not believe he molests her in any way, though I've remained extremely uncomfortable. He's repetitively gotten onto her bed while she's laying there very slowly on top of her. Many times their interaction is uncomfortable at best. He rubs her as if he’s rubbing me, his voice gets slow low and deliberate. When I've brought it up he said that's sick you would say anything to me. I cannot imagine a father crawling on top of his little girl in bed kissing her face slowly and it wouldn't be uncomfortable for anyone. I do not believe he molests her.
Their mom is a good mom and lives a few miles away. I've stuck up for her to his family and remain to be her advocate with the kids. I have not gone to her about the nature of he and their daughter because I don't believe she would take action as she is very focused on receiving her child support as well as although she is a good mom she quite blatantly cannot handle her kids full time.
I've taken care of the kids as if they were my own in every way. They love me and I love them back just as much.
We have a cat and a dog and he’s continuously threatened to throw these unconditional loving beings outside. Our dog does not like him and growls and snarls at him. I named him “puppy” because I have been afraid something will happen to him from the beginning. He threatened there would be an accident and the gate would be left open so the dog would get out. Then he could leave poster up that said “missing puppy”
I do not feel comfortable with my fiancé being totally alone with them so I make it a point to alway be there when they visit which is 50% shared custody.
My fiancé has become extremely jealous and full of rage. He's broken many things in the house as well as put holes in walls. I've taken videos and well as pictures (he's tried to delete them but he couldn't get into my "recently deleted" in my phone) His parents rely on him to run the family business and treat him like he's a child. Though I've always put them up on pedastals, in the past year I've had to remove myself from them as they are extremely toxic to our relationship as well as me as far as demeaning, belittling, comparing, lieing, gossiping etc etc. He has a brother who's addicted to drugs and a sister who does the parents bidding to get what she wants.
I know if I leave the kids will not handle it well and my heart breaks thinking about it. I don't feel loved, safe or protected. I do not know what to do first or where to turn.
please someone help
Personally he’s been very very hot and cold. I am his “soulmate” then am not worthy of being acknowledged. He beats his head into walls and doors, threatens to take pills and throw himself in the lake. He consistently gives the silent treatment for days over the past 2 years. I had an extensive foot surgery last month, 3 days post op Orkin came and the floor was soaked in pesticides. He woke me to get myself and the cat outside, I brought us both out but started vomiting. He watched me crawl up wooden stairs bleeding and vomiting, crawled through the wet with pesticides floor. Offering no help, no are you okay. I felt like an animal. His parents live in a beautiful home yet buy lamb, goat, rabbits to kill because “it tastes better”. He has a felony conviction of assault and battery. There are many horror stories.
I don’t know the right choice for the kids and for me. I don’t want him to hurt yet he doesn’t care about the cruelty on people and animals. I am trying to be brave and posting this.
update. He beat me up pretty badly today and is in jail. I'm in the hospital.
Please advice
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Comments
I don’t even
know where to start except to say this - I'm glad he's in jail.
Regarding his daughter, you are wrong - he is sexually abusing her. No man lays on top of a little girl in the way you describe unless he is one very sick mf.
You may not be a mandated reporter but every adult has a responsibility to report abuse of a child to the authorities. You have to do this. Ask to speak to the police immediately and tell them what you have told us here. They can sort it out. Tell their mother, too. She has a right to know what you've seen.
You will most likely not be allowed to have contact with the kids because of his parents who sound like they will refuse to believe anything bad about their precious son. There is nothing you can do about that. It's sad, but this entire situation is insane. Are the children with their mother?
Find a place to go when you leave the hospital where he cannot get to you, even if that means a woman's shelter. The police should be able to help you with finding someone to help you navigate the difficulty ahead.
I'm so very sorry that you are going through all this and hope your injuries aren't serious.
Keep yourself safe. That's all you can do right now.
The fact that the son was
The fact that the son was groping the OP makes me wonder if he has been abused by a woman in the past. The whole family may be infected with the cycle of abuse and/or covering it up. They can't be trusted.
Not necessarily
a woman. Someone I was close to was sexually molested by her brother and, as it turned out, he was molested by a male family friend.
Exit plan
You have to get out. ASAP. Nobody beats you up where you are in the hospital. And you continue the relationship. Move now
I Remember Your Post
My advice is the same as it was back then.Get the hell out of that situation. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, your SO IS DANGEROUS. Laying on TOP of his child?????? For you to have to continually say in your post "he doesn't molest her" is very weird and makes me think you believe he is. Let me clairfy it for you....he's ABUSING his daughter. If you are worried about the kids, report HIM to CPS. He is not safe, as you NOW clearly can see. He beat you to the point to put you in the hospital. Call the police and file for a Restraining Order on this guy. Then get the kids to the BM and get the hell away from this man. You are lucky to be alive...
I’m grateful someone remembers
I wrote that post and was terrified he would find it and punish me further and worse, the kids.
i know something is very wrong, sadistick and sickening. I've felt it for a long long time. My fear of not turning him in was safety for them and myself as well as the chance I could be wrong. I fear me writing this will bring punishment in the harshest manner possible as he rummages through the internet everyday at every turn. Though very scared, there's a part of me that's very brave.
I will go tomorrow morning to the hearing for the protective order and talk with my advocate about how best to handle to CPS. I will see this through. I read one of the comments about "grooming" and never heard the term before. I showed my mom and she knew right away. It took nanoseconds for my stomach to turn and with all of me that's what what he's been doing feels , looks and seems like.
I was so so afraid when I wrote my last blog. Now I am more afraid that anything could happen to the kids and in the same respect, anything worse could of happened to me.
thank you for helping. This has been a very hard road and I will not stop until I know the kids are safe.
Fingers crossed that their
Fingers crossed that their mother gets 100% custody.
I'm begging you, please do
I'm begging you, please do not go back to that house when you leave the hospital. If you must, send someone to gather your belongings and then go anywhere else.
Also, you MUST report what he is doing to his daughter. He is molesting her. What you described is not "inappropriate", it is sexual abuse. If he is doing what you say where you can see him, I cannot even imagine what he is doing to that poor child in private. My heart breaks for her. Please, please, please report this immediately. Don't count on the fact that he's in jail now to keep her safe - unfortunately domestic abusers get out of jail ALL the time. She needs to be protected and it's your responsibility to do that by reporting him.
Jesus fking Christ. Ok, if he
Jesus fking Christ. Ok, if he beat you and you are in the hospital and he is in jail, i'm hoping there are social workers at the hospital who can help you. You cannot spend another night with him and you need a restraining order. Once you are safe, as in you have a place to stay and have gotten all your belongings from your shared house, you need to report the possible signs of sexual abuse of the kids. This is a bad guy. You say he wouldn't molest his kids but if he will do the things you listed, he is absolutely capable. And you can't trust his family, either. It's possible this dysfunction is generational and they have normalized abusive behaviors, both physical and sexual. Whatever you do, do not ever be alone with him or anyone in his family. Even just to go and pick up your things, have multiple people with you or a police escort if possible. There is absolutely no way you can rationalize going back to him or not reporting everything.
The fact that you I sust that
The fact that you insist that he isn't molesting his daughter sounds as if you are trying to convince yourself. What he is doing is horrifically creepy. Ever heard of grooming? Somebody has to protect that little girl - report him immediately to child protective services and never, EVER go back to him. You were lucky to make it to the hospital this time ... you may not have this level of luck again.
Thank you
I' had not heard the term grooming. I said it out loud as I read the post to my mom I teared up and it immediately made my skin crawl and believe with all of me...that is in the least what i was witnessing.
I am very scared and extremely shaky BUT I will not let my bruises and fears get in the way of protecting that sweet girl.
Thank you, truly thank you.
What you described is sexual abuse.
It doesn't matter what you believe or don't believe, what you describe is sexual abuse and if you're not reporting it, you're colluding with this poor girl being abused by her sicko father. I worked with child protection and kids like this for many years, this fits the criteria 100%.
Her son sexually assaulting you repeatedly by putting his hands on your privates is a clear indicator that he has been subjected or exposed (or both) to sexual abuse. He clearly has knowledge of things that children his age should not have nor be interested in.
No, it is not normal for even small children to do that. Yes, there is a small chance a kid might do it once, which is a yellow flag, but if they do it despite adults instructions to stop, it's typically a matter that needs to be reported and acted upon immediately.
It doesn't matter what his family says or how they minimise sexual abuse. You have to get out. Some families promote sexual abuse for generations. If you stay when the police finally come, you are likely to be seen as one of them and will have a lot to deal with.
Couldn't agree more.
Couldn't agree more.
Fully Agree
He IS abusing his daughter. My chest tightened up when I read he lays on top of the child. Ugh. How much more inappropriate can you be?
I'll add to my suggestions. I wouldn't worry about the BM. I would immediately call CPS to get those children to safety. And for everything holy, do NOT go back to that man. You got a pass this time....next time, you may leave via a hearse. You haven't said if he's physically abused you before. I'm assuming this is the first time...and he put you in the hospital??? OMG....sweet lady, run. If you don't have the strength, call an abuse hotline and GET help.
You make sense
I will see my safety and the safety of those kids through no matter what.
Daughter is being molested.
Daughter is being molested. Likely the son is too. Whole family is f-ing insane. Report him. Take the dog and cat and leave.
Thank you
Thank you everyone
I am out and away from him. My pets are safe.
I am so not okay. I said I have 4 rules in life never to be broken. No rape. Abuse. Cheating. Not being treated like a human. Half the rules have been broken, possibly more.
I will do everything I can to make sure the kids are okay.
He bonded out of jail so I am not okay right now. But I believe I can be. Tomorrow is the protection order hearing.
I am scared and very very broken. Inside somewhere I am strong.
I hope you have spoken with a
I hope you have spoken with a domestic abuse counselor and attorney. I'm glad you and the pets are safe. I'd report the weirdo to a counselor and/or CPS regarding the kids. The children need to be out of that house. They can go to their mothers's.
I know you want to help the children, but your first priority
I know you want to help the children, but your first priority needs to be yourself. Were you assigned an advocate through the police deparment? If not, contact them - most departments have victim advocates to help victims through the court process. Conatct the domestic violance hotline at thehotline.org - they can put you in contact with local resources. Do not, under any circumstance go back to this guy. He has shown you who he truly is and he will never change.
The next thing you need is a good lawyer to help you through the separation process - even if you aren't married, get an attorney. Once you are safe and there is a restraining order in place you can worry about contacting people about the kids. And yes, the girl is being sexually abused and the boy has probably already been abused.
You are strong - the strength is inside you. Go ahead and get mad and use the anger to get through this.
I think the best thing OP can
I think the best thing OP can do for those kids is to report their dad to CPS.
First, congratulations on him
First, congratulations on him being in Jail. Now, press charges, and keep him there. Follow up his violent assault against you by reporting his child molesting incestuous relationship with his minor DD.
It appears clear to me that you are operating on raw emotion and are not syncing that with your intellect. Blend those and keep your head engaged and in the game. Protect yourself and the kids by getting your blessedly STBX put in prison, on the sexual predator listing for life, and get him our of your life forever. As much as you feel responsible for your SKids, you are not. They have a mother. You cannot care or invest more than the BioParents do.
You must get on with taking care of you and with living your best life which cannot happen if you continue to continuously sacrifice yourself on the altar of SParental martyrdom to your asshat criminal violent good riddance he is locked up SO and his failed family breeding partner BM, and sadly, also to their failed family progeny. Not to mention your ridiculous blessedly never actual ILs.
Until he is in prison for life, get an RO/PO keeping him TF away from you and your home. Stop sacrificing yourself and write him, and all of them off and get on with living your best life.
Drop the kids off with their BM your thank go not ILs, purge all of their collective toxic, and live.
Take care of you.
If you don’t report him
To the law enforcement. CPS. your variant of Child Protective Services. You can be in trouble too. For knowledge of this and doing nothing. The authorities will feel you are in on it. Protect yourself. Report him. And please stay away from him. People who love people don't put them in the hospital.
How are you doing?
How are you doing?
Just checking in for update.
Less shaky. Bruises are yellowing & am crying less
Hi
I am pressing charges to the full extent of the law. The entire family did and does so much immoral acts without regard of whom it hurts. I have known this family over 40 years and am going to ensure that the right people know about the wrongs they've done. Including and most paramount those kids.
I have been shaking for nearly 2 years. I am hardly through this, but today was the first day I didn't cry for a few hours. I knew for the most part I'd be okay for now.
I will ensure the kids are safe. I'm as safe as I've been for sometime and will make sure they are safe as I possibly can.
EVERY comment everyone has submitted wasn't and won't be ignored. Though a lot hurt to face has helped put me on the path where I'm again right with the universe.
Thank you so so much everyone. Please please keep in contact. It helps more lives besides just mine.