New to forum and feeling overwhelmed
A quick snapshot into my family...I am a mother to 4 biological kiddos and step mother to 3. Two of my stepchildren live on their own but the main one I am struggling with is an 11 year old girl who lives with us full time. She has some extreme mental health issues and is developmentally delayed. Emotionally and intellectually she is much more around age 7 or 8 but chronologically she is nearly 12. She looks very much her age which makes it difficult at times because you are looking at a girl who should know basic things like "trees are green." She will often enter a room and curse, or ask questions like "are trees green?" which makes the listener very confused. I have been married to her father for 4 years and we now have a baby girl together. Often my stepdaughter will treat her baby sister like a toy, in that, she will get upset if I take her to feed her or otherwise care for my baby, my stepdaughter will become combative and pout as though I've taken a toy away from her. She can be aggressive with my teenaged sons physically which led one of them to hit her back causing a HUGE argument between me and her father. My boys have never had to deal with sharing their home, let alone with someone who's behavior is so difficult. My stepdaughter is engaging in self harm behavior and can be extremely disruptive. Frequently my stepdaughter will be suspended from school and struggles in all social relationships. She is unable to make friends and struggles with stuttering, which makes communication so hard at times. I believe her biological mother abused alcohol while pregnant so I know that some of her behaviors are organic and driven by delayed brain development but some of her lack of self control and general behavior seems to intentional. I am struggling to find ways to talk to my husband about it and am feeling myself becoming resentful. We have little to no free time without her as a couple putting quite a strain on our marriage. Despite private schooling her, having her attend speech and behavioral therapy, her behavior continues to grow more difficult. I should also note, that I myself am a practicing mental health provider working with kids and families who struggle with these things so I tend to be very understanding and patient but lately am finding myself at my wits end! I started looking for any kind of support and in my desperation, stumbled upon this website. I am looking for any kind of resources or practical advice that may have helped anyone in a similar situation. I want to grow my family strong and am feeling like my sons just can't wait to move out of the house in a few years simply to flee their stepsister's behavior. Any help or guidance is much appreciated!
Wow. That is rough.
Welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the adventure of the blended family journey.
Though we did not know it my DW and I were raising a kid with ADHD. Our son, my SKid, SS-32, was Dx'd with ADHD in his late 20s. What allowed us to successfully raise him to viable adulthood is that we very early in our marriage set and enforced age appropriate standards of behavior and standards of performance tolerating no deviation from those evolving standards.
We also established very early in our equity life partnership that we were equity parents to any children in our home and marriage regardless of kid biology. Xs had no say in our marriage and family. As it turned out, the SKid is an only in our marriage though he is the eldest of four all out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas for the SoermIdiot. SpermLand visitation was long distance so we did not have the drama and upheaval of multiple times a week transfers, etc.
My bride and I met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. So our family and standards based parenting was his norm and the standard state of his life. We are proud of the man of character, honor, and standing in his life, profession, and community that we raised. His SpermIdiot spawned half sibs are another story. #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind the inmate.
While this little girl is special needs, she is also a bully. While I do not condone boys/young men hitting girls/women the exception is self defense. Daddy had better buckle up with this one because eventually someone she bullies at school or in the world will light her up rather than just hitting her back.
A challenge that we had when my SKid reached his teens was a disconnect between my incredible bride and I regarding parenting and discipline. She took acception to my parenting/disciplining. She called me out in front of the SKid. I sent him to his room than addressed her failing to support me during that incident. The message was "If you do not like how I parent and discipline then you step up and get it done effectively before I have to. Otherwise you have my back and we will discuss it in private."
At that point I started stepping back a bit and firmly putting the onus on my DW to be more forward in her parenting and discipline.
Have you looked into residential programs for her? We chose Military Boarding Schooll for our son for his last two years of HS. He thrived with the structure and accountability focused environment.
I recommend immediate establishment of firm behavioral and performance standards for the kids in your home with clearly more structure for your special needs SKid. Preserving a peaceful environment for your young child and everyone else in the home and family IMHO has to be a non negotiable.
Your blend is one of the more challenging I have heard of. Don't forget to take care of yourself in all of this.
Thank you for the feedback. I
Thank you for the feedback. I am new to blending my own family but have worked with plenty of families with struggles like this. It's just hard when its in MY own home and I see the affect on my children. My kids are good boys, stright A students, helpful and kind but they are not used to dealing with this kind of thing. I will say that my husband has come a long way in his parenting with his daughter but sometimes I find myself just wanting nothing to do with her. Her behavior is embarrasing to me and I don't want to be a rejecting kind of figure in her world like everyone else is. NO ONE wants to be around her, and at times, even her own father. Her biological mother has completely rejected this kiddo which is another reason I think she glums onto me like glue. I don't think sending her away is the answer and I have been so firm with her lately that I don't like the kind of parent I am becomming but honestly I don't want her behavior to affect my 10 month old who is completely innocent in all of this. My boys are old enough to hold their own and she does play that manipulation card of "well you can't hit me back, I'm a girl." I came down on her like a ton of bricks when I heard her say that!! Thanks for listening... I need some serious intervention with this kiddo!
Her clear manipulation I
Her clear manipulation I think changes the dynamic and the solution. To be clear, I am an engineer and I focus on solutions. I assess the condition, I apply the resolution. When it comes to behaviors I do not think that an analysis of why is value added use of time. Apply an immediate test of reasonableness and if it fails, apply the consequence.
She is able to manipulate, she is able to be held to standards of behavior and standards of performance and to learn instantly every time that her choice to deviate from boundaries around those standards is a choice to suffer the consequences of that choice.
Do not tolerate her toxic manipulative crap in your home, marriage, and family. Do not force your own children to suffer at her hands. The challenge is clearly will daddy pull his heat out of his butt and partner with you in managing, parenting, and disciplining his baggage child? I suggest web cams in your home to ensure that her behaviors are captured for posterity and as a conduit for protecting your teen boys. Make sure they know about the cams and that your expectations for their behavior must be adhered to though they are not to tolerate physical attackes by their SNSD. Self defense is the one area where my aversion to boys/males striking girls/females may be justified. Self defense is an instant reaction to an attack. The consequences of that attack are on the attacker not the defender. I applaud your son defending himself from your manipulative through troubled SD.
Good luck and do not forget to take care of you and your children in all of this.
You mention she is frequently
You mention she is frequently suspended from school. Is she in special ed? I didn't think that was allowed for students with IEPs. Has she had any evaluation or diagnosis? She has accused her stepfather of molestation. Did this just happen? If not, and her allegations are believable, why is he not in jail? The reason i ask all this is....what has her father (your DH) done about any of this? It seems a lot is just continuing to happen and you don't mention what he is doing about it. You can't be the only one who cares about these things and have it work. If the bioparent doesn't take these things seriously it won't work. If he allows her bad behavior and doesn't want to do anything to change it, it won't work. It will just be you nagging until the police show up at your door because she has accused one of your kids of something. This is very serious. It sounds like you guys have a lot on your plate but this situation will fester if not dealt with and it has to be your husband doing most of the dealing.
Have you had a serious conversation with your boys about
Have you had a serious conversation with your boys about how they interact with your SD? I'm assuming a lot here, but this seems like a situation where they could easily be accused of a sexual impropriety.. If she is being physically violent with them, something needs to immediately change, and for starters they should never be alone with her. They shouldn't have to live with someone who gets physical with them, so that needs to be the place to begin. Have you considered cameras in the public spaces in your house?
Is she in any kind of therapy? I'm sure she is having problems adjusting to her new living situation as well.
I have had serious
I have had serious conversations with my sons about her behavior and have given them some suggestions on what to do when she engages them. I also just today asked them to start recording her behavior with their phones any chance they get. I don't allow them to be in the house for long together which is also proving to be difficult on non school days especially. We have her in therapy but she is not utlizing it to the fullest extent, she actually has boasted about that fact which makes me even more upset! Her behavior seems to improve slightly when she doesn't feel like she is competing for attention, meaning, when she's just with one adult which is rare. I am starting to have hard conversations with my husband about having him take her out of the house with him on nearly any occasion just to get her away but then that means he and I never really have time together either. It's just a mess! I do think though that cameras are not a bad idea.
Yeah.... it sounds like a
Yeah.... it sounds like a real tough situation... and hindsight being 2020.. probably trying to blend your kids with her was really not ever going to be all that realistic.. and now that you have a child with your DH too.. it makes what you probably should do all the more difficult.
My real advice would be to live separately from your DH.. he seems unable to manage or control her behavior.. and it sounds like much of it is left to you. You are subjecting your kids to abuse by her.. and I'm guessing your DH was hard on them when they "pushed back"... and as others have pointed out.. the risk of accusations is very real for your sons.. and it's really unfair for them to have to live like this. Being male and her being younger will make a lot of people want to believe her.. and your sons could be prosecuted... and it could risk even the ability of you to have your younger child at home as well.
I'm not saying you can't still be married to him.. and see him.. but while your kids are living at home.. while she is living at home.. it doesn't seem like this is a workable situation.
Cameras can only help some of it.. and your kids being forced to record her to try to keep some level of safety for them... it just seems like they are having to bear a pretty big burden for the sake of your relationship.. and maybe if it is just a few more years.. you could manage separate households.. or possibly.. your boys could switch to primary custody with their bio father?
When she starts her competing
When she starts her competing for attention crap, send her to an isolated corner or to her room. Make it binary. Behave and be present with others. Don't behave and be alone. Simple and direct.
We did not have this issue with my SKid. He is an only child in our family. What we did have, in hind site, was likely ADHD related. He would do his homework, the not turn it in. Fib about completing various assigned tasks, etc.... So, he spent many hours in a room by himself writing countless sentences highlighting the infraction. All in perfect hand writing, perfect grammar, and perfect spelling at a measured pace.
He will give us a hard time about having to fill out all of the manual forms at his work due to his impeccable hand writing and how that it is our fault because of the sentences he had to write.
Sorry kid. Not sorry.
Structure and adherence to standards was a key success factor in our raising a COD and in keeping the toxic side of the equation in check.
Isolating her from others is also a break for everyone else in the home. As ESMOD said, she is far too much of a risk to your boys and a poor example for your little one. Mitigate the risk. Take care of your children. Her clear manipulation is clear proof that she knows exactly what she is doing. That cannot be tolerated. IMHO of course.
Take care of you. Take care of your own children. Hopefully your SO is adult enough to see what is clearly in front of him and will be at your side in mitigating the risk that his prior relationship baggage clearly is.
I agree with ESMOD. ^^^^^^^
I agree with ESMOD. ^^^^^^^
Every, single, word of it.
I think at some point,
I think at some point, especially in view of your profession, there will come a time where she will cause there to be concern for your youngest child. The boys desserve teen years without having to protect themselves. You baby can't protect herself. Please be hyper aware and ready to have Dad move himself and his child out if becomes a case of protecting ALL the children in the home.
Your whole family needs to be in therapy
At her age she isn't going to get better may get worse. Your kids, yourself and DH need help with your relationship with SD. And how to go down life path with her. You also need the talk.. SD may not be able to live by herself. She either is going to live with you or a group home.
SD should apply for social Security Disabilitie. For life time Medicare and SSD $.
'I fully understand how you feel. New baby and you can't enjoy it. You can't go away just you,DH, and bio baby. You have to find a place who can care for SD. I,E. babysitter, with the SSD payment. You can use that money to pay for ge babysitter,
'Also where doe s DH see his DD. at 18, 22, and beyond. Living with you is not a reality... You don't want to be 80 and still taking care of SD. What is going to happen when SD finds out there are boys out there,
Yout family needs help.. Do something NOW. early the better
Where is BM?
Where is BM?
Thanks for all the feedback
Thanks for all the feedback and support everyone! I had a lengthy and kind of heated conversation with my husband the other night about what has been going on and while I am defensive of my boys and my baby for sure, I know my boys aren't entirely perfect in the dynamic and can do a better job of adjusting their conversations when my SD is around them. I basically said to my husband that under no circumstances will the kids be left alone together in the house without an adult, and that from now on, when they are around each other, I instructed my boys to not engage with her at all unless it is necessary. It's not a good long term solution but we are getting her into intensive therapy and hoping some progress will be made. Part of the reason she lives with us full time is that her bio mother is an active alcholic and my SD recently accused her stepfather of molesting her for the past several years. I do not believe she is lying about it, but it has created a terrible situation and active CPS investigation on that side of the family.
You can't have a conversation with my SD without understanding that it will be repeated, she has no filter and my sons don't really understand that. They aren't aware of the all the details as to why she is her all the time now, when before she would at least be gone every other weekend so it's put a lot of strain on them to be totally buttoned up all the time when she's around. It's like living with a giant 3 year old who has no social awareness but can do some serious damage. She got in trouble again at school yesterday and I basically sent her to her room for the evening until her dad got home. I have emotionally cut myself off from her and while I'm not proud of it, it's like I'm in self preservation mode. There was an incident this summer where I asked my husband and SD to leave the house because of the expectation that my kids need to be above reproach and somehow my SD doesn't. I lost my cool and asked them to leave...I will not have my son's be made to live on eggshells all the time. My son's have no where else to go, this is their home and it has been their entire lives. I am finding it hard to try and have a relationship with my SD, when I look at her (which lately isn't often) it's like I am just filled with anger. I know some of it is not her fault per se, but so much of her behavior is intentional and I feel like I'm being asked to live "perfectly" so that this kid can parrot what "perfect" looks like. She has hardly any original thoughts or actions, it's like she is a parrot and repeats everything she sees. NO natural social cues...it all comes from others. In all my years of family work, I've never met a girl like this. When she was little, it was harder to see because you would expect (to some degree) some of this kind of behavior (as in lack of social skills) and I knew she came from a broken home. But at the years have gone on, its ever more apparent now that there are some serious issues at play and I just don't want to lose my family over it. Her dad is not oblivious to this and he is trying his best with the tools he has at his disposal. My boys aren't perfect but they are being asked to stretch A LOT and I feel bad for them. One positive is that my SD is good with little kids. Like I mentioned before, she really is more like an emotional 8 year old so she tends to prefer being around little kids. She can't keep up socially with kids her own age. She can be really sweet with my baby girl but I still watch her like a hawk, my husband doesn't understand why I don't trust my SD more and that drives me CRAZY! I don't trust my SD at all to provide any kind of babysitting without supervision and while my boys aren't exactly excited to change a diaper I would trust them far more than I would my SD with my baby girl. I at least know what my boys are capable of, by with my SD...she's a wildcard! Thank you all for listening.
With her now known history of
With her now known history of an abuse allegation, I would be extremely concerned that something similar could happen in your home. It may well be that the allegation against her SF is correct.. but even then.. that would cause a lot of emotional damage to her.. and some victims of abuse act out in ways and she may even find the attention on her to be something she wants.. so making other accusations could happen. I don't know of any other option than for her to literally be monitored 100% of the time.. even then.. she could still cry wolf.. and even if she isn't crying wolf with her SF.. she could in your household.. be very careful here...