DH planning to stop visits with skids

Forums:

After 12+ years of DH seeing his kids away from our home (for the most part) and minimal visits from them to our home (our rules and agreement) because of their rudeness toward me, he is planning, he says, one final visit to them. They are in their 30s now. One has a family. And they have not grown or matured or gained any sense of decency since they were teens. DH is ready, he says, to confront SD on her BS (asking about me just to pretend she's innocent and concerned, while never accepting my prior efforts to have a relationship, crapping on any kindness from me, a history of very rude behavior, being terribly manipulative, and so on).

I know it will be hard for him. There are young grandchildren now. What a shame, But he has grown tired of the travel and is growing even more tired of the BS. Once their fanatical religious compound is established and SD and toxic BM fulfill their dream of being endlessly and dysfunctionally attached at the hip, DH was going to cease visits, anyway (BM always viewed them as a package deal, which was the big problem back in the day).

What a sad waste. The skids have finally pushed him to this.

You can not control DH

If he likes spinning his wheels. That's on him. The kids don't care about him or else they would behave

Spinning wheels gets old and

Spinning wheels gets old and tiring.

It's sad to hear of grown

It's sad to hear of grown kids in their 30s still acting this way so immature and not able to maintain lasting and meaningful relationships with their family.

At some point toxic people

At some point toxic people are a write off whoever they may be.

When it is a kid or family member the write off is exceptionally difficult but no less necessary.

Time for DH to put the onus on the Skids to build and service the relationship with their dad and between their dad and his GKs.

At some point kids will prioritize their own lives, children and family. As parents and GPs, we have to focus on living our best life with our partner minimizing the drama caused by the toxic. Even if the toxic are people we created.

IMHO of course.

At some point kids will

At some point kids will prioritize their own lives, children and family. As parents and GPs, we have to focus on living our best life with our partner minimizing the drama caused by the toxic.

Pretty close to the exact words a therapist said to him years ago, which propelled him to start the long, slow journey of exiting the toxic fog.

The skids will never make an effort now since, well, they never made an effort in the past. So, it's really a goodbye. Or good riddance.

Comes to a point

Where you just don't care. You get tired of the wasted time and energy. You are putting in. It's kind of late to kiss and make up after all these years.

Comes to a point

Where you just don't care. You get tired of the wasted time and energy. You are putting in. It's kind of late to kiss and make up after all these years.

Absolutely. Facing facts.

DH was getting gifts for the (very young) grands yesterday (for his upcoming apparent last visit). We were talking over lunch. One piece of our conversation was how the first grand is named after son-in-law's father--first and middle name; second grand is named after BM with son-in-law's STEPMOTHER'S name as the middle name; third grand (male) has a whole different name. So, they use SIL's side of the family for naming, BM's name and DH doesn't even get a middle name or initial in there. Son-in-law's bio mom is a drug addict who has spent time in prison, so we are on her level. lol.

The way I look at it is if you disregard/erase the existence of your father so much, why have a father? Oh, silly me: for cash. Bank of Dad closed a while back, though. The doors are now being shuttered. I'm just sorry for DH that things did not work out better, although I realize the hand he also played in all of it.

There should be a handbook. Maybe all of us can collaborate and at least get rich off of all the shit we've been though.

I am angry for you and DH

I am angry for you and DH over the marginalization by his spawn and their erasure of him from his GKs lives and names while DIL's family is immortalized.

My parents did a blend. I am their eldest and have both of my GF's names. My first is my dad's dad's name. My middle is my mom's dad's middle name. His first is one I was for a very long time not upset to have avoided. Seaborn. As I have grown older, I would have been very happy to have that name as one of mine. He never went by it. He never went by his middle name either. So my parents blended family names with me. My brother's name is one that my dad just liked. Both his first and his mittle. Our baby brother had my dad's favorite uncles first name 9His mother's brother) and dad's first name as his middle name.

My niece and her DH of 3 years just had their first child in June. This is my parents first GGK. The baby has a family name from my niece's DH's family and my dad's and my niece's middle name. I am not a die hard about naming kids after anyone, but weaponizing GKs and using naming of them as a toxic manipulation makes those being toxic a write off and sadly that may mean that by default their spawn, the GKs may effectively be also. At least until the GSkids are old enough (age of majority) for your DH to have his own relationship with them whether his BKs like it or not.

It is cruel. And these are

It is cruel. And these are the type of not-so-passive-aggressive poison arrows that, when addressed, are responded to with wide innocent eyes, denials, "I didn't know . . . ," or "I didn't realize. . .," and then tears when, in fact, these actions and those like them are intentional punishment. (DH did not confront his daughter about this.)

No, there is no rule about using family names, but it's the clear omission of DH's name that is yet another in a long line of "messages" to DH, likely orchestrated by BM but still falling on SD. Meanwhile, SD, as I knew she would, dangles her children out to DH like carrots via constant videos and photos. Her communication with him ramped up when she started having kids. Children to them are tools to hurt others. They are also used for money grabs.

I think one of the most difficult things about these situations is that you sometimes wonder, "What could we have done so wrong to be treated this way?" and you rack your brain. DH has before said to his kids, "I am treated like a criminal."

There are so many "bad" people out there who do bad things to children. DH is not one of them. Early on, when I heard him on the phone with his kids, I thought, "Wow, I wish my dad and I had been able to have conversations like that."

So, it comes down to: F these people, really.

Thanks for your response. So, is Seaborn an older family name or was someone born at sea?

I do not know the family

I do not know the family connection to Seaborn. We have never been particularly close to mom's dad's side of the family. I never asked about the name. Apparently it is old English derived from the Dane invasion of the British Isles. Yep, I shmoogled it.

So many STalker stories are gut wrenching for me. I make no secret that I won the parent lottery. My own drama has been lived during my blessedly short first marriage that I even more blessedly escaped from without kids. And... the challenges with my SIL who on the relative scale of irritation is nowhere near what so many here struggle with.

My son (SS-32) is the one who has lived the most intense drama in our blended family life. DW got out very early, never was married to SS's BioDad, broke up with him just before SS turned 1yo, and was long gone with the baby SKid before the SpermClan could fully sink their hooks in too deeply. into her Particularly the SpermGrandHag. They did continually attempt to sink in their hooks using SS but they way under estimated what they were dealing with in DW. As much as we tried, SS did not escape the baggage completely. Their lies, manipulations, and toxicity still bother him though he has not had much interface with any of them in 10 years.

As difficult as it can be, you are absolutely right. So, it comes down to: F these people, really.

What I find interesting, is that when we do implement F these people it is part of living our best lives and they seem to get their skivvies in a twist over it. Making us and our partners living well an exceptionally effective revenge.

Take care of each other and F these people.

Relieved

Content

+1: VALIDATED

Yes…

...I understand all of these sentiments. 'Validated' really hits home though. I hope you and DH are able to move forward with love and peace, while living your best life. You certainly deserve it!