The pit in my stomach is back early this year - Rant
Well last night Little Idiot texted DH "Do you guys want me coming up for Christmas this year?" (Her usual reach-out at Christmas time). When DH told me, my stomach immediately dropped. Usually I at least get to enjoy Halloween before she reaches out and the dread of her visit sets in. DH answers "Of course we do! (Ugh speak for yourself!) Let me know the dates so we can buy the tickets (for your 24-year-old-never going-to-buy-your-own-adult self)
The perpetual child who will never grow up. I knew she was VERY immature even as a child when I met her (and The Skunk Ape is basically a grown up child herself) but I never thought it would be this bad. Year after year, I keep waiting for DH to say "she is old enough, she can pay her own way this year" but that will never happen. We have turned into a nation of dependent adults who still expect their parents to pay their way just like when they were kids. Unbelievable.
She posted all these pictures of her at a concert (blowing her money all the time when she has all these unpaid credit card debts, can barely make rent and has deferred her auto loan). So freaking irresponsible. Will there ever be a day when we don't have to buy the tickets and hundreds of $ on presents and pay for her phone and phone plan? Will there ever be a day when we have a reciprocal adult relationship with her? Once again she will show up with her hand out expecting her gifts and not even a card for DH. I would LOVE to hand her a list of suggested gifts for all the nice people who spend money on her at Christmas, but I know DH would have a tantrum about making his over-grown baby feel uncomfortable.
I'm sure the next text (when she finally wakes up this afternoon at some point) will be "Can I bring The Fool??" Ugh. Already over the holidays this year.
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You are correct
It will never end. Think it's time for a talk with DH. This is your money too. You should have some say on how it's get spent or wasted
Yeah I try to be
Yeah I try to be understanding because he only sees her once I year so I can understudy he wants to pay for these things... but at the same time it frustrates me because she just uses him and he lets her. She doesn't gaf about him the rest of the year. It also frustrates me that she can't just attain any level of self sufficiency or ever give back. Heck I have a side hustle/hobby that I make a small bit of money off of in my free time and I'm using what I've made the past few months to buy my mom a $200 Christmas decoration, because I believe Children should do nice things for their parents instead of just take take take.
I'd put my foot down about
I'd put my foot down about not paying for her latest bf. Maybe frame it as him hardly ever seeing him on her visits due to the bf (whoever he may be) taking up all her time. ("Don't you WANT to spend quality time with your daughter?!")
Ugh - so frustrating. I'm
Ugh - so frustrating. I'm sorry. Will you tell her the money/gift grab from your parents is not happening? Or will you wait to see her crestfallen face when she realizes she traveled up there for nothing? *evil grin*
At this point I'm going to
At this point I'm going to wait until she gets here to tell her she won't be mooching off my parents this year and that it just turned into a big graby-graby display of greed at my parents expense. And I've already told DH that we are not making up for her loss of $$$ presents (She is an ADULT for God's sake! She doesn't need to be acting like a child that got less gifts under the tree this year. At her age she should be transitioning from "What did Santa bring me?!?!? To "I want to spend time with loved ones and give to them because that is the true spirit of the season... GIVING NOT RECEIVING" Haha like that will ever happen.
I would spend less on her
I would spend less on her over time, maybe have a talk with your husband and agree on an amount spent. And ya, maybe send a wish list of stuff you like too. He can be told she's "growing up". Awww how cute and responsible she is growing up! What does he say when you tell him you want to spend less on her for presents
He always uses the excuse of
He always uses the excuse of her being "a poor college student" who doesn't have the money to spend on gifts.... Fibe but the problem is she is always going to be a "poor" something because she doesn't work to improve her life. She's failed out of college (idk if she's going back for another associates or not), she won't work full time (even though right now she has all the free time in the world to work more hours, what with not going to college). Unless she turns it around she's always going to be riding the line of poverty, expecting other people to make up the difference for her.
You're right
You're right, it never ends. I hate that, like your SD, my SD63 spoils the holidays for me. It's all so predictable. In a couple weeks, SD63 will start whining that no one wants her for Thanksgiving. From there, it's downhill with the whining, sad stories and money requests so she can give her kids gifts. The period from December 15 to 25 is the worst. Her unhappiness poisons our lives.
I used to enjoy the holidays.
People typically look for are
People typically look for are to the holidays, well not in this world when you have a mooching, drama-filled adult step kid. The things is, parents usually don't care if their kid mooches off of them (the biological rose-colored glasses).... but we don't have those glasses, so it annoys us. It doesn't help that society has apparently normalized 30+ infantile adults who can't stand on their own two feet.
ETA: and I feel like off she
ETA: and I feel like off she grown enough to play house (and act like a real adult couple) with The Fool, then she's grown enough to pay for his plane ticket, not ask Daddy if he little friend can tag along.
I am all too familiar with
I am all too familiar with that same sick feeling in your gut about the SKIDS, so yeah..sympathy pains for sure. Its a instant reaction I have whenever SD is even mentioned. so I get it. Its a constant thing. I am so sorry that you feel like the holidays have to be ruined for you or anyone because of some spoiled, entitled, overgrown baby like LI. It doesnt have to be that way. I am in the camp of having a serious talk with DH and set some limits. Im sure even he and LI has to have some understanding this whole Gravy train has to come to a stop one way or another someday. I have had to have that same conversation with my DH too. I know you feel bad that he only sees her once a year and she takes advantage, but is there any way to at least assure that at least that doesnt happen on your dime? Im sure im am preaching to the choir, but I wouldnt feel so torn up about letting DH foot the bill on his own if he wants to enable her, if you have seperate finances. If not, I would get on that asap. ( not trying to be bossy) or as long as it doesnt cause any financial hardships for any shared expenses between you too. Also,,hell to the NO on feeling obligated to pay her Friends way or newest Boy Toy at nearly 25 years old For effs sake. There is no reason why that should be your responsiblility or DH's . But if DH doesnt see an issue with that, then id let it all fall on him and draw the line in the sand. It has to happen eventually., whether or LI likes it or not. She might as well finally start learning and get a reality check. And we all know she is never going to learn a thing if everyone keeps coming to her rescue, because you are correct in that she is on track to be "Poor" everything for the rest f her life if she doesnt grow up and get her shit together. The wriiting has been on the wall.
Especially if you see that she clearly has the money to spend on other things, like concerts , etc. and is such an "adult" that she is living with The Fool.. I woud be absolutely Livid and would make that one of my talking points. If she can afford to have Big Funnnn ( im aging myself but referring to the Cosby Show ( yeah that didnt age well but aside from that) when dealing with a daughter who was being a LI herself and the mom was not having it!) then she can figure out how to finance her trip along with her little friends. The buck has to stop sometime.
I get where you are coming from. I still enjoy the holidays for reasons outside of StepWorld, which I am determined to keep up with by focusing on the postive things as much as I can. I also still have that same bouts of anxiety brewing at the thought of any pressure or forced together with the Skid or to have my joy or plans revolve around her. No matter if she tries to insert herself as being first priortity for me. ( fat chance). like last year. Another story
Anyway, Thats literally the only reason why I have actually felt any sense of dread..dealing with certain relatives of DH which im sure everyone experiences to some degree. I know for certain its easier said than done, but I will be damned if my own LI-like SD throws any wrench in my peace and joy...not just Christmas but any other time of year. Like I said, the buck stops here.
**** I also want to encourage you make carving out time for YOU during this holiday to get through. Maybe establish some of your own traditions. Spoil and pamper yourself, make plans, do things that you enjoy outside of LI and DH and having to be their Buffer. They are grown adults , they can fend for themselves for a while and they will survive. I mean, to be fair, DH and LI are supposed to be spending time on THEIR bond and visiting with each other, right? Besides, You deserve it times a thousand after a decade of having to entertain this SM nonsense. Self Care is key. You do you!
So sorry you're going through
So sorry you're going through this! Holidays are a scary time for us, when they should be just the opposite... Listen, I'm in the same general age bracket as your SK and feel the same as you do. Raised by Boomer and Silent Gen parents, and I respect being independent as much as humanely possible and to be proud of work ethic... I have to actually TELL my family I can support myself, they don't have to worry about financing my life/duty to buy me things and let them know I'm ok I can pay for things myself
(child of an immigrant and child of a parent who grew up impoverished, so their mindset is always scarcity.. I get it..) Unfortunately I do not get on very well with people in my generation/general age group, lol ... entitlement! Nothing wrong with an offer here or there, but it's the entitlement that gets me..
I think you may owe yourself a little holiday to yourself... how about some shopping, sipping, wining and dining... sounds like you deserve it
Even if you have the ability to get out of the house at all when she visits. Grab a cup of coffee or visit a pal perhaps? Hope things improve.