DH scheduled to see his 35 yo daughter and meet newest baby in the middle of my breast cancer debacle this summer. (SD does not talk to me and I have not seen her in 2 1/2 years.) We did not know if I would need chemo for 6 additional weeks June-July as ongoing mistakes were made with the pathology tissue for my oncotype test. It was a stress-filled summer with a bad infection in the incision (partial mastectomy) and for months to not to have a treatment plan after surgery. Still, he made a plan to leave mid-August for five days, followed by 4 more days at a sales meeting in FL. When I did finally find out the answer to chemo and get a radiation plan, he said nothing about changing his plans. That would have been the moment to say, “I am tabling a visit to XXX until Sept or later – when treatment is over and you feel better.” He said no such thing. Instead, he went behind my back and contacted my three children (his step children) to see if they could come be with me for the end of my radiation treatment so he could go on his trip with no guilt. I was not happy when I found out because i would have preferred that he consult with me first. They all live out of town and have full-time jobs, and it is not easy to get time off. As it was, my son and his girlfirend paid for tickets to fly to here with their limited funds and stayed for four days. My daughter tag teamed and will be with me for the second four days of his 8 day trip. They were not told what the trip was for only that it was work related.

A week or two before his trip he said he could reschedule if “I wanted him to.” We had learned that the fatigue sets in last week of radiation and is bad the following t few weeks. I did not want him to go, however our pattern has been difficult – anytime I have asked him to do something that was my preference (very rarely), it has caused a huge fight, followed by his daughter and he playing the guilt game. Her pushing guilt on him and him pushing it back on me with resentment for not being able to do what he (or she) wanted. It happened for our Covid driveway wedding, where he insisted that she and her husband be allowed to fly  across country at the height of Covid and stay with us. I strongly opposed them coming through an international airport as we were all isolating at that time. He was very angry that I insisted on postponing their trip here and brought it up often over the next year. The next big issue was when we finally planned our delayed outdoor wedding reception at our house in fall 2021. SD had a newborn and they were planning to stay with us for a week. (I had been told, and not asked about the length of the stay, though I did want them to come). Because our house was the venue (80 people) and the party would go late, and likely be noisy, (we had a band), I asked if perhaps they could stay the first two nights with family nearby and then come here for the next 6 days. That way they could leave the party whenever they wanted with the new baby. And I knew DH would want to shut the event down very early for the baby if they stayed here. He said, “she (his daughter) will be devastated if they cannot stay here the entire time, and it will ruin mine and your relationship with her.” I was upset about the total lack of any flexibility for my wishes, but swallowed his decision. During our wedding event I rarely saw him as he chased his daughter around making sure she was ok and yelled at me at one point due to his stress. He ate our wedding dinner with her not even thinking to make me a plate while I spent my evening making sure all of our family and friends (including all of his) were happy, felt welcome and had what they needed. I did not eat. He did not say “I love you,” in his toast despite my heartfelt toast, because his daughter was there. The daughter, son in law and baby stayed with us for an additional seven days after our wedding event and I was exhausted. Many more issues with those days  including an 8 hour babysitting gig for me that DH volunteered me for (he had to work) so daughter could go hiking.

I was told later that the daughter said to her aunt the evening of our reception, that she felt she was "being erased" (she was 30 at the time).

There is much more including that SD "blocked" me two years ago on her phone after she wanted to have a discussion with us about our marital problems. I indicated that my relationship with her father was private and this request crossed boundaries. She told her father that my not including her made her feel "unsafe."  Sidebar - he knew she had blocked me and did not tell me for 6 months. Meanwhile I had been continuing to send her nice notes and trying to keep the relationship going. All the while my messages were not even going to her and DH knew it. Despite being shunned I have encouraged and supported DH going for visits alone over the last two years. When he his there he barely communicates with me and when he does it is awkward and he feels like a stranger. 

SD and her husband have also invited DH to Christmas with them across the country (not including me) for the last two years. DH had said "since you two don't get along, there will be times I won't spend Christmas with you."  I was floored and said "if you don't want to have Christmas with your wife, we have a much bigger problem." Over weeks of therapy I let him know that he can go there after the holidays but that I want to be with him on Christmas. 

The pattern of pleasing her over my infrequent wishes is set. I knew if I asked him to stay to at least get through my cancer treatment it would be a major issue, as it always is. While I would have liked to ask for what I need, particularly at this point in my life dealing with cancer, I did not feel I could. That is my problem to deal with but part of a larger unhealthy situation. I am not sure what to do next, but I know this cannot continue.

I told him this morning on the phone that day two post radiation has been hard. I have had little energy, my breast is bright red and painful and I generally don’t feel well. We had an argument  because he said in a snarky way “I have cancelled my trip to Florida. I can do the training zoom calls from home. I won’t be able to network in person, but....”   Again, w the passive aggressiveness. I told him not to change his plans for me. I will be fine with my kids for the next few days. He sounded distant and fake as he does when he is with her. Knowing that they have zero empathy for my breast cancer is hard (daughter dismissed the news saying, “a lot of people have cancer. XXX's grandmother had it.”). I said today to DH “this was not the best time for you to go there. You are in a place with people who do not recognize me as your wife or even as existing. They have no compassion for my situation.”

 The hardest part is that he has allowed me to be disrespected over the last more than four years and had not stood up for me and us. it is more than I can bear right now.