Setting boundaries and getting your partner to get it...

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Like many others on here I'm struggling with getting my partner to set boundaries with his kids, general disrespect and being taken for granted...

At the outset I was going head to head with his now teenage daughters in confrontations but over the past couple of years, I've started to disengage and put the onus on him. This doesn't really seem to have helped much.

I love my partner but his lack of setting boundaries with his kids is causing a lot of issues. I am getting completely fed up of not being backed up or respected in my own home. The latest issue centres around watching TV. Partner and I had dinner (kids ate before), and I said to him, let's all watch a film in a bit. To which the response was, the kids are watching X. Ok I think, so let them finish that then we will find a film.

Then I sit surfing my device in the lounge and then after their film ends, the daughter, starts pleading with her dad to watch some other teeny programme. What drove me nuts in this instance is I already had a conversation with my partner re the plan to watch a film. That I had said anything to him at all was completely ignored, and instead my partner does nothing to have my back, tells his daughter he doesn't like what she wants to watch next, and then when he comes back in to the room she has put it on anyway! Rather than tell her off or do anything, he does nothing. At which point, I say I'm going to bed, which ended up with my partner leaving them and everyone going to bed.

I get it's lack of boundaries, and maybe I need to start going head to head with them again, or setting up a list of rules on the wall, but it's just the disrespect and lack of any support from my partner that I'm struggling with. And this child blatantly disrespecting me in my own house and being enable to do so.

This particular teenager is a problem in any case and generally has been bad vibes from the outset (v manipulative, believe she has damaged my property but I can't prove it and generally ignores me - and only speaks to me to say hello, goodbye and replies when spoken to - although his 2 others don't make that much more effort, they atleast are not bad vibes or manipulative).

Does anyone have any tips on actually getting their partner to get it? I'm so fed up of making so much effort for so very little return, paying half for holidays etc. I'm being cast as the baddie now, since I'm the one complaining.

Do you have only one TV in

Do you have only one TV in your home? They are so inexpensive these days and it seems like with teens... there would be a lot of difference in what everyone wants to watch..and they may not have a huge interest in hanging in the living room with you and dad. I'm not saying this to reward bad behavior.. but to reduce points of conflict for you to make your life easier.

So.. you don't wade back into confronting them.. you make your SO do it. That was the point to tell him.. "look, you said we could watch my show when theirs was done.. if they don't want to watch.. they can go to their room.. you need to take care of this".

same for most things like that.. make him deal with the deficiency in behavior.

Thanks

Thanks, yes I guess I need to pull my partner up on it, but in front of his kids, it's basically me playing parent. I probably have opted out too much perhaps and need to start re establishing boundaries. There are TVs in the kids bedrooms and in mine.

If they have tvs in their bedroom and don't want to watch tv as

If they have tvs in their bedroom and don't want to watch tv as a family - then they can watch it in their own bedrooms. The adults should have priority when it comes to the big tv in the main room.

Princesses have their own TV,

Princesses have their own TV, so they won't have to be deprived for even a minute, but they want THAT one! And OP has to come ask a message board about it because her no-balls husband doesn't want to tell them anything but doesn't want OP to be the bad guy. This is what stepmoms have to deal with. OP, you're just going to have to do it if you want to use your own living room.

Yes, it is useful to get

Yes, it is useful to get feedback from people who have experienced these challenges. It seems for whatever reason these dads are so obsessed with their kids wants, that their partner is just viewed as an inconvenience and ignored. I love my partner but am questioning if this ongoing crap is worth it. There has been an ongoing issue with my partner never having my back. I can stand up for myself and take the kids on but had wanted to try to make the step kids feel welcome etc and not escalate my conflict with them. But yes seems like I'm going to have to start asserting myself more. I am doubting the whole relationship to be honest as my partner lacks boundaries with his kids and it's been an ongoing situation... My partner is defensive when challenged also and makes me feel he really doesn't want to hear about my feelings, can't deal with it and wants to pretend there are not big problems...Maybe it's time for couples therapy.

Hopefully therapy will help.

Hopefully therapy will help. As angry as i am for you (and stepmoms in general), i don't advocate going straight for divorce. In the meantime, maybe just kindly but firmly enforce your boundaries. The girls won't die if asked to please go to their rooms and watch TV.

I totally get this. I think

I totally get this. I think it's guilty dad syndrome where they feel guilty for leaving and then let the kids get away with anything to make up for it.
I have no kids but my boyfriend has an 11 year old daughter. She always wants to watch her crap on the main TV. We have sat through loads of it and then recently when I wanted to put something on that we all wanted to watch she got up without a word and stomped upstairs. Best of it is she's got a big tv in her room but never uses it. My boyfriend hates telling her off and so I'm the one who then has to say something. Just wish he'd back me up as she's becoming used to getting her way and the cheek and backchat has started now. It's all because she's never pulled up on it. Her mother is useless and refuses to tell her off and be the bad guy. It's so frustrating.

Backtalking was to risk a

Backtalking was to risk a death sentence when I was growing up. A very bad idea.

Even just expressing a divergent opinion had to be done very carefully to make sure there was no way it could be construed as backtalk.

Sadly, those standards are extremely rare these days. Parents don't have the confidence or testicular fortitude to give their spawn clear boundaries around compliance to standards of behavior and standards of performance. Including respectful interface with the parent and other adults in authority.

Even getting a call from school about disrespect toward a teacher was death sentense risky back in the day. So, those things for the most part just never happened. Kids knew and were far smarter than current spawn seem to be. Parents then were far, far, far smarter than parents today. As is clear from the performance of the spawn of far too many current parents and their sadly substandard minor and kidult spawn.

Obviously, I am a Boomer. Just barely, but a Boomer none the less. Our parents defended the world, we built the world, and we bore and raised the children who are creating the modern advances that are defining the future world. It would stand the world in good stead to recognize that free range coddle focused parenting will end the world as we know it.

Adults rule tv at our house.

Adults rule tv at our house. The kids could watch stuff during the day but in the evening if I want to watch something then they're done. 7pm + kids get no say. We also have a tv in the basement. The kids watch on that one.

This worked for me....

I never let anything slide. The first time OSD was disrespectful to me, I brought it up. Although he always acknowledged that her behavior was unacceptable, he didn't do a lot about it at first. Yes, he would tell her it was unacceptable but there was not a hard line drawn. I simply did not let it go. I would bring up my concerns in a gentle, non-confrontational manner and then change the subject. He would mull it over and then usually tell me he agreed with what should be done. Over time, her behavior escalated and she extended the nonsense to him too. Now, there is a hard line drawn, they are now almost no contact. He has made his expectations to her clear and she is not willing to meet them. We have been married a year and a half; she has not been welcome in our home for even longer than that. That is because of her behavior towards me and her denial of her behavior, plus all the lies she told him and his family. Thankfully he knew they were lies! (Previously she used to come and stay about once a month. DH shared with me that he did not like having her here. He had to hide his valuables and any alcoholic beverages. She was also messy.)

I think it was hard for him because he has been divorced for almost 20 years and her behavior has gone on for over 20 years. Of course, her behavior didn't start at Level 100, it gradually increased and then she was full-blown out of control. The entire family was used to pretending and sweeping it under the rug. He has since learned that is wrong and it did not do her any favors. Tough love. It is up to her to repair the damage she has done.

Thanks

Thanks it sounds like you got to where it needed to go in the end. This daughter is 15 and with never a good attitude to me in years and years. I had tried to build the relationship but have given up now. It's sad as I feel she is also ruining things for her siblings as resentments build. Did you.outright say your Sd could no longer stay or did it evolve on its own? I'm starting to think that the attitude/behaviour is too entrenched and am starting to wonder if my own cut off point will be 18 or 21 if nothing changes...

It...

...was a mutual decision. I think he was relieved, as he didn't really want her here in the first place. Not only is she not allowed to stay, she is not allowed here. Period. Our home is our sanctuary. We are both selective in who we invite here.

OSD is 34; her troubles started at age 12. Basically she never grew up; she is not a functional adult. Honestly, I do not think she ever will be.

If it is untennable, consider

If it is untennable, consider forced emanicipation and pull your cut off point in to 16 or 17. It is an option. Though obviously the SParent cannot initiate forcing emancipation. That has to be at the behest of a BP. There are no guarantees that a court will rule for forced emancipation, but just the process may be enough to scare the shit out of an ill behaved failed family progeny or any other form of toxic ill behaved late minor years spawn.

Play the card.

Watch the toxic SKid quake in terror.

I would. With a pre-adult kid aproaching the age of majority who failed to get their head out of their ass and deliver to standards of behavior and standards of performance. A good friend of ours did it with his middle child of three from his first marriage. She was forcibly emancipated just after turning 17. She figured it out eventually and they are extremely close as adult Dad and kidult.

It’s not about TV

It's about control and respect. Kids want to control your home / TV in doing so disrespecting you. DH who should have your back let's his kids disrespect you. Then he feels you should recoect his kids. Crazy train. !!! Tell DH this is your home and you are the queen. TV is in your control. If he doesn't like that they can go to motel 6 and watch tv.
'actually you are in control of the hone SD either respect you or stays with BM. This stops now.
'DH either agrees with you, or is heading for another failed marriage.

Exactly this. Always remember

Exactly this. Always remember you're the queen of your home. You set the rules. If you want tv you boot the kid out. The kid should NOT be in charge. They get no say. I always told my kids when they have their own house they get to set those rules. Lol. It's a good expression point to keep in your back pocket. When they are adults they can control their own house. Until that point it's your house and your rules.

Agreed!

Yes, Harry, this is not about TV at all...you are spot on. The TV is a symptom of a far larger problem.

The longer this issue is allowed to continue, the harder it will be to nip it. Additionally, other bad behaviors will likely occur as well.

It’s not about TV

Kids will try to test

Kids will try to test boundaries and it's ok to have some sort of rules so your house stays non chaotic. Some of these kids want to watch YouTube cat vids on the main tv.... Drove me nuts.. I don't want YouTube in my living room screen.. So I just said you watch YouTube on your tablet or phone with headphones or in your room. And that's what we do. It works well. Some of those shows are so dumb.. Kids just gobble it up like zombies. It's really not healthy for them either.

SD18 Princess Powersulk Do Nada

She would watch videos of people playing online games. So dumb. And loud too!!!! And I took over the televsion when I wanted...and she respected it.

He doesn't have to get it.

He doesn't have to get it. But he must live it.

Go back to confronting instead of disengaging. Never leave anything to someone who won't deliver.

What part of "I'm going to bed." does't he get? There is no "we" in that statement. Is he thick? By all indications he is thick beyond belief.

"I love my partner but his lack of setting boundaries with his kids is causing a lot of issues."

Other than that Mrs Lincoln. How was the play?

Welcome to Steptalk!

IM glad you are here but sorry you are here. But here you are. I would read around here a bit, there are so many different versions of your story, with many many comments of gold nugget information and advice.

But, definitely disengage from doing anything FOR them, but do not disengage from having boundaries. Keep your boundaries and enforce them.

You are not married. Take some time away from the house to really think about this relationship, and if this person is truly your person and this life with him is truly what you want for the rest of your life. I am 10 years in, the kids were a little older when I took this on. They were SD14 and SD8. Things were bad with SD25 Feral Forger (eldest) from the get go, mainly because she was a wanna be mini-wife in the making. Husband was so traumatized by the breakup and having moved Toxic Troll BM out, he allowed her to take over running the house and running the youngest. He claimed she happily helped with everything. SD18 Princess Powersulk Do Nada claimed she just was controlling and mean the whole time. Ill wager the truth is somewhere in the middle.

But when I came into things, I did not try to change things right away, just things here and there slowly. SD25 Feral Forger rebelled against any and all changes because I took her place as the Queen Bee of the household. It was a simple power struggle. She shunned me, called me names when I angered her, was rude. Trashed her room. Tried to turn her sister against me. When she turned 18 and graduated high school she ghosted us and was working and living a few towns over (no license STILL) and we didnt hear anything from her. 7 months went by, I finally had had it and cleared her rom out. I should have bagged everything including the trash and told her she needs to pick it all up or its going to the dump, but I did not. I carefully binned everything that looked like she would want it, and threw away the obvious trash and donated what looked good.

Shes mad at me now because 2 different times she demanded her "old room" back and was denied. She had been told that she would need to work things out with me and since she could not do that she could not move back in. I never want to live with her again,, so that worked with me.

We had been keeping a distance from each other at family gatherings and then, one fateful day she texted HUsband for money, and when he didnt have it, texted him "you abandoned me for that wh@re of a wife!" What a stupid b!tch she is, always playing the victim. Well that doesnt ever work - trying to squeeze husband with insults and that resulted in a rant over his family text. She expected that she would have support when she told them all "your supporting my abuser!"

All this to say that it doesnt get better unless you and your SO are on the same page, you have his support, and he backs you up during conflicts. It does get worse, much much worse...

Thanks. Glad your partner

Thanks. Glad your partner realised he had better support you in the end. But sorry you have been put through all that unnecessary crap.

I'm kind of in a similar

I'm kind of in a similar situation and i would have watched a film myself upstairs my husband would have HATED that he wasn't with me and would have followed me up. Leaving SS downstairs! You have to almost let them hang themselves is it the programme she wanted or just to be difficult? If difficult then reduce the audience. If the programme then yeh maybe time to go head to head of say you and her dad BOTH suggested watching a film. Push him into it, my SS gave their BM access to my Disney plus account I quickly changed the password. They seem to be in a selfish world of their own and without the necessary adulting will turn into clueless individuals

Omg same, I previously had

Omg same, I previously had issues with an 'extra' profile appearing for Netflix or similar. Highly suspect it was BM getting access via kids logins. Partner has supposedly dealt with that and hopefully won't resurface.

2 of 3 kids are ok. Just one is manipulative and all out to just cause trouble I sense.

I forgot, My appologies.

Welcome Gings24.

I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.

Take care of you.

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Setting boundaries and getting your partner to get it...