Relationship readiness and fear of step-parenting
Hello everyone. New to this forum. Here's some context about me before I present my issue. I'm 46 and i've been divorced for about 3 years. My ex-wife and I share 50/50 custody of our two girls (11 and 13). I've been blessed to get out of all debt (except my mortgage), and get back on my feet after an excruciating divorce. I still hold resentments, and it caused depression and anxiety to form. I'm in counseling weekly, and making progress. I have an excellent relationship with my daughters, who I coach and train. I have them for one week, then they go with their mom for a week, who lives 5 minutes down the road. We co-parent fine... we just have differences and resentments. Her inability to be accountable for her behavior is a root of that bitterness.
I've been in two relationships since the divorce. I jumped right into the first one, which lasted almost 2 years, and became toxic for me and so I ended it. I'm convinced she may have had a histrionic personality disorder. The highs were very high with her (chemistry-wise and physically), and I looked past all the red flags because of the love-bombing and attention she gave me, which I've learned is systematic in how histrionics can trauma bond. I work with this woman (definitely shat where I ate.... stupid) and still have to see this person every day. We don't speak, which is her decision (...a woman scorned, and all that). She had three children (7, 10 and 15), and step-parenting scared me, but the kids would also go with their dad on the same weeks mine went with my ex, so it wasn't a bad deal. My kids (and I) grieved this relationship, because I did love her and so did they. I worry I did damage by forming this relationship and then ending it, further traumatizing them.
I've since entered into a second relationship, and this person lives a short drive away. She's calm, and wise, and probably smarter than me. She has a devoted faith life, as I try to also have. That's what definitely attracts me to her. She's physically attractive as well, but for some reason I don't feel the same feelings I think I should be feeling, even though she checks SO MANY boxes, and I feel like I force the relationship (7 months) waiting for me to really invest in this. She has four children, one out of the house. Their father sees them minimally, like 4 days a month. If we were married, I would effectively become their father and that scares the shit out of me. We have met each other's children, but they have not met each other at my request because I'm not sure I can do that again and risk hurting them if i'm not all in on this relationship. I don't know if I have the capacity to not just be a step-dad, but the primary father and male mentor for ALL these children, and I am not a fan of raising smaller children anymore (her youngest are 7 and 10). She's a good mother, would be excellent with my own two daughters, shares my values, and we can laugh together and enjoy each other's company... I just don't have these deep feelings in my bones that tells me I need to spend the rest of my life with this woman. In hindsight... I wish I would have taken more time to work on myself. Any words of advice or relatable experiences? There are so many 'pros' to staying with her and investing in this, but the 'cons' include not feeling it in my gut. I fear I'm in this so that I'm not alone, which isn't fair to her. I worry that I would regret breaking the relationship off, wondering if i'm throwing something of great value away that I'm just too stupid to see.
Funny that you use the word
Funny that you use the word "gut," because that is the word I was thinking about when reading this: I would trust my gut feelings. Not wanting to be alone is understandable but, paradoxically, also a terrible "driver" of wanting a relationship. You say you feel like you might need to do more work on yourself. Listen to that. Also, is there still work to be done with your relationship with your ex (you say there are differences and resentments--these things can definitely impact any new relationship; how are your boundaries)? I'd try to work on that, too, so that it does not overflow into any new relationship.
If you feel that you don't have it in you (or just don't want to) to raise additional children, particularly young ones, listen to yourself.
After I split with my ex several years ago, I spent three years alone. I dated now and then, but mostly, I needed time to take care of myself and just BE. And I still ignored red flags when I met my husband. I still stepped in it! It has worked out but not without pain I honestly could have lived without--and we still have this shadow that floats over our lives now and then (why I am here).
Even though I feel like I don
Even though I feel like I don't have the capacity to raise more children... my gut also says that a good partner for me would have experience with children and then would likely HAVE children. I think its asking a lot (or looking for a unicorn) to meet an attractive, slightly younger, kidless woman that I have chemistry with. The thought of being alone for 3 years gives me anxiety, I don't know how you did it! I hope you grew as a person in profound ways during that time. My ex-wife is an avoidant. I was emotionally mature enough to clean up my side of the street and apologize for my faults. She refuses to take accountability for her infidelity that led to the end of our marriage. I've offered to go to counseling to help us co-parent more effectively. She ignored it. With her, I need to just set boundaries and worry about my kids during the times I have them. I appreciate your experience and contribution, thank you.
The thought of being alone
I highly recommend it--6 months, a year, 3 years, whatever works for the individual. I had some tough times, like when I bought a vaccum cleaner that was not assembled and I ended up sitting on my living room floor crying (I took it back). ha! But I look back on that time of my life and feel proud. I became somewhat of an exercise freak and made lifelong friends in my classes. I worked a very fulfilling job where I also made good friends. I traveled to Central America alone and did things I never dreamed I would or could do. I began to understand what courage is (it does not mean no fear!). For me, it was a way to get back to who I really was/am. I wouldn't have changed that time in my life for anything--and, yes, there were periods of loneliness. Those were part of the package.
It sounds like your GF is a
It sounds like your GF is a nice person... but the reality is that if you don't have an inclination to have the deep and meaningful feelings towards her.. if you feel you are forcing it a bit because she checks off boxes... not because you are really attracted to her as a person (appearance and other dressing aside).... it sounds like you maybe are either not ready to be open to a new partnership... or.. she just truly is not the one for you..
Part of it could be the baggage and what it would mean... but part of it could be micro red flags that she may not be what she appears to be.
It's admirable to not want to drag all the kids through the pains and perils of your dating life... and your daughters are getting to the point where they may understand that not all relationships are permanent.
I like what you're saying
I like what you're saying here. I feel that I'm either not ready for relationship (and the condemning voice inside says "you're not good in relationships"), or she's simply not the one. I definitely rushed to find her. I went on a few first dates, but stuck with her because she shared so many of my values, and I love having conversations with her (our friendship is strong). There's a physical attraction too, so I don't understand why there's all this good stuff going on, but there's this BLOCKAGE that I can't understand. Is it depression? Is it too high expectations? That's one of the reasons i've been 'waiting it out.' To see if deeper stuff happens with her and I.
In reading some of your other
In reading some of your other responses too.. you repeatedly say that you would have been "fine" staying in your original marriage if not for the infidelity.. and the refusal by your EX to accept responsibility for it etc... The first relationship was probably somewhat of a rebound.. you were incredibly hurt.. and found someone that appeared wholly different than your EX.. she was drama and distraction.. and allowed you to probably push down and ignore the feelings.
Now, you have met someone that your logical mind is telling you should be a good fit.. but there is something missing... that you can't put your finger on. Part of it could be the reluctance to have such a large blended situation.. that based on the ages of her kids would go on for a long time. Fear of taking responsibility for the potential hurt of your own kids.. and hers if things don't work out... It also could be a bit of the fact that I do think you left some of your heart with your first wife.. and haven't fully gotten over that.. even though your feelings don't "feel" like love.. you still resent her because if it were not for her actions.. you could have seen yourself keeping your family intact. .. and I get why that would make you resentful..
I don't know that you aren't good at relationships though.. I mean.. I get we are all not perfect.. but going off to cheat on your spouse is not something you do because they won't pick up their socks or don't hug them enough.
So, the therapy is good.. and I hope it continues to help.
As far as this relationship.. I know it's hard.. because you don't want to invest a lot of time into someone that doesn't have the same level of relationship goals.. but there is nothing wrong with dating without quickly moving on to getting married or moving in together. You can both maintain your own households.. which will give both of you ease of escape in the event that one of you decides that you are not each other's person.
I was in an abusive relationship.. and actually met my DH within days of making the break.. I told him I was NOT interested in a serious relationship... wanted to take my time and enjoy being single.. spoiler alert.. did not happen.. he just kept being around in my life.. and eventually after 3 years.. we did get married.. We have now been together over 20 years... and he was the one that had two girls 5 and 9 and I have never had kids.. and honestly really didn't much know what to do with them.. I basically let him mostly handle all that and never really tried to mother the kids... though we did have rules of behavior in our home.. that I was able to have a part in setting. The girls are now adults.. and we made it through the other side.. a few bumps on the road.. but overall in a good place.
I might give it a bit more time with her.. see if you can pinpoint what part of this is not clicking.. and hopefully your thereapist can help guide that introspection... if you truly are still not feeling that big spark at the one year mark.. I think that would be a reasonable amount of time to have tried and fully explored the possibilities.
This is great perspective,
This is great perspective, thank you
It might just be that there’s no spark.
Or it could be that she finally looks like a safe, secure partner, and if that's not familiar, your brain tells you: "run!". I know, I used to be like that. Attracted to all these very hot looking relationships of deprivation, and confusing them with passion, excitement etc.
We can actually train our attractions to genuinely feel a pull towards people who inspire us with their kindness, dependability, people that are good for us.
Look up Deeper Dating podcast on Spotify or any other podcast app. It's run by psychotherapist Ken Page. There's millions of episodes, but I'd probably start with the first 3-4.
I appreciate this
This is really helpful, thank you so much! Update: I ended the relationship. I'm coping with the existential dread of being 'alone'.
You did the difficult thing,
You did the difficult thing, but probably the right thing that will take you down a deeper, more fulfilling path. The odd thing about being alone is that we can come to realize that we are full, whole individuals by ourselves; therefore, we don't "need" someone to complete us but can look at a partner as an enhancement to our lives. And I think that when we are good with ourselves and our lives, we bring so much more to relationships.
Keep us posted on how you're doing! Hang around!
The whole point of dating is
The whole point of dating is to find the RIGHT person, not to fi someone who's quite good. Besides, you have some serious misgivings as to your place in your combined worlds.
Imagine you decide that she'll do and THEN meet the one who ticks all the boxes... in other words, you'd have been using her (even if unintentionally) until you found better.
What you're really asking here is if you should settle for her. All I can respond is that settling is unfair both to her and to yourself.
You've only been together for 7 months, what's the rush? Why not simply enjoy each other's company. Not every relationship has to lead to marriage.
I appreciate you being blunt
I appreciate you being blunt here. I definitely don't want to be unfair, or to use someone. Both of us feel called to marriage again eventually, so that's why I think about the future as I get to know someone. I've broken up with her once already, and we reconciled to try it out again. That's probably a red flag for both of us. Her last marriage was horrific, and I'm wondering if she loves me so much because I treat her well and am respectful.
Welcome to the site!
7 months is not a great deal of time, especially where kids are involved. In your place, and knowing what I know about how wrong it can all go, I would definitely wait longer before you decide what to do, particularly if this might involve combining families. No reason you can't carry on seeing each other for a year or two and see how things develop. That's how I would play it.
You are in counseling and I
You are in counseling and I suggest you focus on that and figure out why women with drama are attractive and not the boring one. You have a lot a baggage to work thru first before you get into another committed relationship. Enjoy dating her but it does not need to lead to marriage. You are perfectly capable to lead a single life. Role model healthy behaviors for your own kids.
Great points. My wife and I
Great points. My wife and I were together for over 20 years. She was not a person of drama and was definitely boring, and I would have been fine staying with her. She cheated and left me for something more 'exciting'. The girlfriend I met immediately after was the total opposite. I went from low but STABLE emotional connection, low intimacy, and avoidant personality to high emotional instability, higher intimacy, and higher drama. Two polar extremes. I ended that relationship after I caught up to the red flags and realized how her quarrelsome nature and boundary pushing (when it came to my kids) was toxic for me. So now here I am with a woman more in the middle of those extremes. She's not 'boring', definitely more interesting than the wife I was content with staying with, but doesn't hit those dangerous highs I was used to with the last girlfriend.
There is no set rules.
There is no set rules.
There is no rush to take things to the next step (moving in together), you don't have to follow the usual "relationship escalator" (look it up).
You also will not be these kids father. They have a father they see regularly. It may only be 4 days a month but they still have regular contact with him. It is up to you and your partner what role you will both take on in the home in regards to each others children. You do not have to actively parent each other's children. Inevitably there may be some parental tasks that each of you complete sometimes for the other's kids, but on the whole you can opt to not be an active parental figure.
Trust your gut. It is telling you to slow down (or end?) this relationship. There is no rush.
Step-parenting and blending
Step-parenting and blending families is hard, even when the couple relationship is strong. If you don't feel like you're all in emotionally, I would walk away, for everyone's sake. My DH and I blended our families for 12 years and thought we had it all figured out. My bio children (now 22 and 25) are still grieving the relationships they thought they had with their step siblings, and so am I. My marriage only survived because the love between us is so strong. And it came at the expense of most DH's family relationships. Please don't drag yourself and this woman, and your children, through that potential pain if you don't think your attachment to her can weather the storm. It's not fair to anyone,
I agree with Sadielady
Step-parenting is hard enough. You have to have the very deepest feeling for your mate to go through it. Don't look at this relationship as a waste of time or energy. You've determined what attributes are good for you, it helped you understand more. But, keep looking til you find one who really rings your bell.
You have two kids and are 46
Most likely any woman you will find will be divorced with kids All these people all these relationships, are just about impossible. To find Ms right. Then adding the ex's to the picture it gets even worst. To find someone to even try is hard, everybody is going to have to "bend' Giving up on individual things to make the common good. Think you must lower your standards, to someone I just unconditional love, who unconditional loves me to someone you can live with and have some fun. To share a life together.
JUST six kids in one house, sharing bed rooms, bathrooms , it's going to be trying. You are going to be a SP GF going to be a SP. Just read these boards All these people all these kids were normal once. The kids aren't together yet
Maybe you should rent like beach house , or time sharing place for a week. throw everybody together and see what happens.. the we must get along speech by both must be given first , make sure there a pool and activities for all to do everyday this is to see what happens in the hold progress How the ex reacts. Kids reacts, GF
Maybe you're just not that
Maybe you're just not that into her? Or maybe after the highs and lows of dating a histrionic woman, normal is boring? In either case, with 6 kids between you, if you aren't 100% on board, maybe better to focus on your own kids and put the brakes on dating.
As naive as this may sound,
As naive as this may sound, when you know, you know. Either way.
My first marriage (no kids) I was not experienced enough realize that I knew prior to the wedding it was not right. Fortunately from engagement to divorce was right at 3.5 years. From wedding to divorce hearing/decree was 2.5yrs.
With my life of adventure and love for the ages with my incredible bride of 30yrs (in just less than 4wks) I knew, so did she. As it turned out my SS (15mos old when we met, we married the week before his 2nd Bday) is an only child in our marriage. I got in when he was young enough for us all to avoid the major blended family drama nightmare. His biodad was minimally involved and we never lived within 1200 miles of the SpermClan so even the toxic SpermGrandHag was containable for the most part.
Regarding yoru concerm that you are avoiding being alone, I lived that for myself, in both of my relationships that resulted in marriage. My family is very close. We had an Expat life from when I was 4yo. Both of my younger brothers were born overseas. I married my XW just as my family was ending the initial period. My parents were heading back overseas, my brother was heading to school. I cannot say that I did not marry my XW in signifiant part due to that transition point and being at the point where I was going to make my life solo.
After my divorce I sold my company and headed off to Engineering school. My younger brother joined me and we spend the next 3.5yrs on that endoever together. He married 4mos before we gradauted and my niece was born the day before we graduated. My brother and I had bought a home together while we were in school and my SIL moved in with us and my niece was baking while the three of us were living together. We ended up going to work for the same company and started that phase of life's adventure as a family of 4 though I was the tag along. DW and I met during my last semester of Undergrad and her first semester of University. I did not expect to marry. We both were of the mind that once I graduated that we would both move on. Nope, for 5mos my lowest phone bill was nearly $700/mo. I had no intention of marrying again after my first marriage. Dad called me after my brother had spoken to our parents and mentioned that I had considered marrying my DW and decided I would not marry. After dad's message that I was young (30), everyone loved my DW, and I could either take another shot at making a life with someone or go through live with a series of partners, DW and I decided to give it a shot. Though there re no guarantees, and on the first one I crashed and burned, this one is looking good so far. I had no doubts about my DW, I had doubts about me. Fortunately, so far at least, that self doubt has proven to be unfounded.
I understand your hesitance, your concern that you are using relationships as avoidance to being alone.
But.. as my dad said, you have a choice......
Is your concern you, or her? It sounds that in this case your concerns are related to her. not be the one. When you find THE one, you will know. It will be right for you, and for your partner. It cannot be right for only one of you and be viable for the long term for both of you.
There is no crystal ball though. When you know, it will be time to pull the trigger, adventure into the future together with the one, and adjust as events unfold.
You said you wanted to find a woman who was younger and you
You said you wanted to find a woman who was younger and you figured most women younger than you would have kids and you don't really want to be a step-parent. Why limit yourself to younger woman? A woman your age, or slightly older, would be more likely to have older kids who might already be out of the house.
Honestly - my advice is break up with this woman and spend some time alone, "doing the work" to get yourself in the right emotional space for a relationship. Spend at least a year on your own before you start dating again. And do not rush into introducing anyone to your kids.
I think when you know, you
I think when you know, you know. This early on to and you're not feeling it. I would let this one go. I also agree, about not limiting to younger women. You are writing off a lot of potential amazing partners that might gel or match really well with your overall wants and needs. When that spark or amazing parson comes along, you know it. You feel it. Take the time to enjoy it and have fun. You never know when a great love will pass your way
At 46 you are in kinda of a rut
You want thing to go the way you want them to go [we all do] But you must understand that's not how it works. There has to be compromise , by both people . You have to create a new relationship, with new rules, new golds, new experiences. Ready for a new relationship is meaning. Breaking away from the ex. Not talking to the ex. Not having the ex controlling your life anymore.
You have to be willing to put the new partner. First, yours and new partner life comes first over the kids, family members and definitely the ex's. Your new partner must do the same . We all must make comprises, not wanting to raise young kids?
A 45 yo woman or man who was never in a relationship, most likely is not a good partner material.
Give yourself some time. The
Give yourself some time. The grief process is usually minimum in the 2-4 years range and can be significantly longer than that.
You are parenting two pubescent young ladies. I have no GirlDad experience but from what I have read and heard from family and friends, girls are easier than boys when they are young and at the pre-teen through the teens and into the 20s that dynamic flips and girls became far more challenging.
From the sounds of your comments you are gun shy not necessarily in the relationship area but in the parenting/coparenting/blending arena when it comes to relationships. Completely understandable.
Having just ended your 7mo relationship with the all boxes ticked GF, dive into alone. There is actually no reason to do that alone. I sure didn't. I dated, socialized, and was extremely active with friends and new acquaintences.
I dated actively. Though it was not a conscious process for me during that divorce recovery phase I was not dating life partner candidates by any means. I was dating engaging and fun women that in hindsight were not people I was going to be with long term. After 3+ years of that, something shifted and within a short time I had met 4 women all who were great potential partners. My DW of nearly 30 years was the last of those women.
At first glance she ticked no boxes at all..... other than HOT, tall, tall, tall, and beautiful. Single teen mom, toddler, college student, no car, from a large low income family, we basically had zero in common. In short order she ticked countless boxes, was creating her own boxes at a rapid clip, we were creating boxes together. Scary/wicked smart (my dad says she is scary smart, her work husband says wicked smart) I am challenged to keep up, truly brilliant, heart of gold, extremely focused, adventurous, incredibly successful, etc...
You may find that THE one when you find them at first glance does not even appear to have boxes. The thing about boxes is at first glance, they are just a box. It is what is inside the boxes that is where things get interesting and where you create a life of adventure and a love for the ages.
Just remember that your girls need to see a happy, engaging, confident, etc... dad.
Be that guy but be him for yourself. Your girls will thrive, and THE one will bowl you over when you least expect it.
I wasn't looking. Them.... BAM!
Be good to you, and best of luck.