Does anyone else get tired
I don't have any kids of my own, my partner has 3 daughters (10-13) and I think they are good kids, but what I find so exhausting is the constant deference to BM no matter what she does. I know rocking the boat during coparenting is a hard way to go, but I get tired of bullshit, sloppy behavior and nonsense, and it was all just brushed away because I'm Not A Mother. I don't have to be a mother to realize bullshit is bullshit.
Also I hate the attitude of I should be working really hard to prove I'm "worthy" to be in your family. It's not an exalted position, it's fucking hard, thankless work and quite honestly our lives would be easier if we didn't have to deal with sour exes and grubby kids.
Yes I've said all of this, and things have improved. But I feel bad for the stepparents who do their best, only to have it thrown in their faces. I stay in it because my partner tries hard to do his best for his kids, and works on it every day, and owns up to his mistakes if need be.
I'm glad we have this place to talk and vent, and it blows me away how many times we all run into the same problems. I really question why some people have kids if they just cannot get their shit together, health and mental issues aside.
short answer: yes
is it worthwhile? sometimes
And I am SUPER glad to be able to vent here and posit my thoughts to people who truly get it, because no one else does.
A toxic X is not to be
A toxic X is not to be tolerated at all. The X is meaningless in our lives and the lives of our mate. They are the X for a reason. No further consideration beyond that one letter, X, should be given to them. If... they are toxic.
If they are reasonable, then work with them reasonably.
They do not matter in our family, our home, our our marriage. They do not even matter in how we parent and engage with raising the SKids when the SKids are with our mate in our home and our life. The X does not matter.
Coparenting is what people who make a life together do. Since a life is no longer happening with the X, there is no coparenting. So, the X opens their trap, then it gets shut. Either by the prior failed family breeder the SParent is married to, or we do it and neither the X, our mate, nor the SKids will like it that happens.
IMHO of course.
And yes, STalk is a life saving sanctuary for SParents dealing with whatever combination of a toxic partner, their toxic X, toxic Skids, toxic ILs or XILs may be in play. These things/people matter only if they are decent. If they are toxic, they need to be made to painfully understand that they do not matter.
I'm happy to vent here too. I
I'm happy to vent here too. I relate to the feeling of being brushed aside. Probably, not being a mother adds to the inclination by the Bioparents and SKs to not consider the SP, but I think that neglect is kind of foundational to the relationships. I just had a long discussion with dh about this after an incident that confirmed my fear that in the pecking order, first is SS, next is SS's mom who is his primary caretaker (she has to be happy!), and then me when it comes to matters involving all of us, like visitation schedule.
In general, I feel like I stepped into a narrative that someone else authored - I live in the house that dh and BM bought together, I help take care of the child they had together, scoop the poop of the dog they adopted together. Those were their couples goals, and they share the memories of bringing those things into their lives. I don't get to choose many fundamental aspects of dh's life. My only job is to support and care for the things that they brought into being, and then of course to build our own memories and experiences. But I think that's why the momentum is totally on their side, and against me. If they all want visitation to happen at X time, it seems completely natural to them that it will happen because they're in the habit of that. Why would they consider my preference? Even I didn't feel entitled to say 'no' or ask for my own preferences at first. But I'm slowly starting to recognize my voice in this situation, and starting to assert my own needs and preferences, which I find hard to do in general.
My dh thanked me for sharing my perspective and says he'll be more mindful that he doesn't allow his "original" family dynamics to sweep him up. I'm going to try harder to not feel threatened by the fact he does have stuff from his former life, but also to not be afraid to ask for what I need, so that I feel like I can have some say in the things that affect my life. But I can't erase his former life, and I realize my own need to let go of any jealousies stemming from that.
Yeah, I laugh so hard at my
Yeah, I laugh so hard at my SKs bio mom who acts like she looooooves being a stepmom to her stepson without any extra stress. Like, I'm pretty sure that kid is WAY more stress than your bio kid and appears ungrateful whenever I've witnessed him around. Additionally, BM was living with her MARRIED boyfriend for multiple years post our marriage and would act like he's the stepdad her child dreamt of- but has NEVER seen me or respected me as an adult in her child's life. In what other role are you more disrespected. I no longer care but it really angered me that my high level of commitment to her daughter was never seen as valid. Eventually decided that was pathetic
so yes, I think even if the kids are fabulous- it's added work, added stress, and not exactly sexy
" I stay in it because my
" I stay in it because my partner tries hard to do his best for his kids,"
But what does he do for YOU? Does he try hard to do his best for you? Trying hard for the kids is great. For the kids. And don't get me wrong, that makes him a good dad. But you don't need a dad, you need a partner.
He is the best partner I've
He is the best partner I've ever had, honestly. He is one of the few people who admit mistakes and keep trying to improve things. He has opened his eyes to how his ex really is, and while some people are like "big deal", yeah actually, it is. Plenty of folks out here dealing with asshats who refuse to see what's in front of them. He gives a shit about his ex because his kids love her. I think she sucks, but she does love her kids.
He has changed a lot of things and seen my side, it's still difficult sometimes, but there you go. I can always leave if it gets too much, and he can't.
Just remember that you matter
Just remember that you matter. Not being a mother doesn't make you less valuable as a person. There are no awards for sacrificing yourself for someone else's kids, if both parents are alive and involved.
You are right. I have stepped
You are right. I have stepped away from a lot of things I was expected to jump into/just take on the chin, and my partner understands. Women aren't just doormats who will take whatever, and I have got a lot out of this relationship, half assed ex be damned. I give a shit because they are an extension of him, and I care what happens to him. I prefer to be with a dad who cares about his kids, and as I said I can leave, he cannot.
And there in lies the failure in your blended fam experience.
the constant deference to BM
Nope. Never defer to BM. Ever. On anything. Keep a rolled up copy of the CO on hand and beat the ever loving shit out of her with it (figuratively) any time she twitches out of complance.
She has zero say in what goes in in your life, marrige, blended family experience, or home. Nothing.
And there in lies the failure in your blended fam experience.
the constant deference to BM
Nope. Never defer to BM. Ever. On anything. Keep a rolled up copy of the CO on hand and beat the ever loving shit out of her with it (figuratively) any time she twitches out of complance or oversteps.
All IMHO of course.
She has zero say in what goes in in your life, marrige, blended family experience, or home. Nothing.
First experiences
When I first moved here, I met the ex officially. It was painfully obvious to me that she was still smarting from the divorce, despite havjng years to deal with issues. She still has resentment. Well guess what? She had plants of time and opportunity to fix those issues, to see a therapist, focus on herself and what she wanted.
She did not. Too bad. Now she has health issues, and it has made her fall even more into her rut.
I decided to not go over there anymore after how obviously uncomfortable it all was. My partner agreed after I laid it all out for him. I have been back over there maybe twice in the past few years, and for urgent needs only. My partners parents are lovely and have been more than welcoming towards me, his kids don't pull the same lazy crap they do at their moms house, and my partner and his parents tend to agree with me.
I just notice the absolute bullshit people are put through by lazy jerks. Look, my own SM suuuucks. She still does. But my SD is rock solid. In the long run, my sister and I have seen that. Just because someone is louder doesn't mean they are right. I have seen being a step kid from both sides, and being an adult who models adulting and gets on with it tends to be much better. I realized early on (thanks therapy!) that a grouchy ex can sit there and grouch, that's on her.
Thanks for listening and replying!!