am I being to hard?
My SO has 3 girls (7,9 and 12). They share room in the mum´s house and in our house the eldest have her room and the others sleep in the living room. When they come for the weekend (friday evening to sunday evening) and holiday which is usualy a week like rght now for easter, the 12y old stays in her room most of the time where she has a big tv and a bed. I told the dad many times that I don´t think is good for her mental health to be in her room with the curtains closed (in the darkness) for most of her time here, looking at a screen -phone or tv. When we go to places she usually doesn´t want to come and stays at home alone. She comes downstairs several time to say to her dad that she is hungry and when is food ready.
I had an argument with my SO today when I saw that she was asking him to get her water and he actually did after lying in her room for 2 days. He got angry at me because she feels like he can´t be relax with his kids in front of me. I got very trigger because I know how it is living with a difficult teen and I really don´t want to go thrpugh that again. Then I asked her to have a shower and again he thinks I am very bossy with her but she didn´t change her clothes in 2 days. I can´t help feeling like my house is like a hotel for her and my partner is being lazy with her.
Do you think is normal at that age to just want to be alone away from your family and to not have any screen times limits? basicly to do what you want all day long without any expectations? my parents were very hard with me so I am not sure if I am doing the same now.
Thanks 
It may or may not be normal
It may or may not be normal but it IS pretty typical. What would bother me more is a 12yo who gets to opt out of family outings. Umm, no. She doesn't get to stay at home alone.
We actually had a really big
We actually had a really big argument once because she stayd alone in my house when I asked my partner that I didn´t want her to stay alone in my house as she didn´t knew the place and my space was my responsability. It is confusing to know when one is being rasonable or just projecting past traumas.
A 12 year old that can't get
A 12 year old that can't get herself a glass of water is not mature enough to be staying home alone.
You need to be very careful. His negligent parenting could impact you in worse ways than you realize. You can't stand by and allow him to deal with his kids the way he does.. CPS could hold you accountable and criminally if something bad happened while you were out..
And.. all three kids need to share that one room.. some how some way.. no children should be sleeping in a living room.
If you can't get them all in that one room.. you and your BF can sleep on the couch so the kids can sleep in an actual room.
Maybe we are right and we
Maybe we are right and we should sleep in the bedroom, tbh I didn't think of it as we have the tv in the livingroom and they watch a movie before bed and they are confortable there and also I feel like if they get the only space that is mine it is going to be difficult for me to have my own space once they get used to. But maybe we should do it.
I checked the law and it is legal for a kid that age stay at home alone so there is not much I can do... She actually spent the evening downstairs as I spent it in my room, so I am going to spend some time by myself and see if maybe she is trying to avoid me!
why can't all three kids
why can't all three kids share a room? and... "legal" or not.. there is an emergency.. you could be held liable for leaving her alone. but your SO has already shown he doesn't know anything about parenting.. unless his 7 year old is highly special needs.. zero way a diaper is acceptable.. I mean.. how do they go to school?
The thing is that the don't
The thing is that the don't have a bed time and I am afraid that if they sleep in our bedroom I won't have a momento of peace until they go to bed which will be late and the tv is also where usually they watch something before bed. At least now I can go to my room if I get tired... I am going to talk about it to my partner and say that I am fine with giving out space to the kids to sleep as long as they have a decent sleep time, otherwise it makes no sense for me...
By law from 12 kids can stay at home alone, she doesn't really do anything at all and by the end of the day I am not rsponsible for her specially when every time I try I just end up in an argument. I am doubting that she is avoiding me (apart from wanting to be alone) because as soon as I wrote the post I stayed in my room ans she spent the evening playing outside *good* I will stay away every now and again to see if that is the problem and all happy I guess...
Do not even consider giving
Do not even consider giving them your bedroom. You will be miserable and lose whatever shred of privacy and dignity you have left. Do you want your bed p!ssed in? Just no.
Agree. Keep your bedroom. I
Agree. Keep your bedroom. I don't think it is so bad if the little kids sleep in the living room for their visits if there is no way for them all the share.
Also, if the problem is SD
Also, if the problem is SD never coming out of her room, having them share will take care of that problem. SD likes her privacy, too, but she is still a child so if anyone gets privacy, it's the adult, especially since she is unrelated to the kids.
Hell no the kids do not get
Hell no the kids do not get your bedroom. Cram them in the small room. If necessary, turn the closet in the small room into a bed space. Put one on a bed in the closet (remove the door), and the other two go on a trundle or bunk bed on an opposite wall to the closet bed space.
When we had a 2BR apartment when SS was in his mid teens, his room was also the guest room. When we had guests, he went on an Aerobed in our MBR closet which had an AC/Heat vent and door. We had all kinds of laughs when he was sleeping in our MBR closet when GPs were visiting and using his room.
Alternative sleeping arrangements of 3 kids in a small room is not punishment or neglectful.
Regarding Aerobed sleeping. When I was on night shift I slept in our MBR closet on an Aerobed because it was quiet and dark. It was climate controlled so it was fine.
Do not overhthink this. It is what you say it is. Put all 3 in the 2nd BR and the 12yo can STFU and do what she is told. DO NOT give up your room the the spawn. Period. Dot. For damned sure if a 12yo is incapable of getting a glass of water for themselves, they have no business being home alone. Since she and daddy are infantilizing her, treat her like and infant. Start putting a diaper on the bed in the room she shares with her younger sisters and tell her to put it on. Wanna bet that will go over like a fart in church and that she will gain clarity? Stick to your guns and do not let him or them stipulate shit for anything in your home.
IMHO of course.
sorry I answered twice by
sorry I answered twice by accident and I don't know how to delete one of the comments!
Your SO is a lazy selfish
Your SO is a lazy selfish person who should never have been allowed to procreate to begin with. Having his 7 year old wear a diaper and allowing his 12 year old to rot in a room all weekend, then yelling at you about how horribly you are treating his kids. Please call CPS on this man and get out as soon as you can.
Can you tell us more about
Can you tell us more about the diaper?
Also, why do you think this relationship is worth your time?
He is a good person and
He is a good person and treats me well and also we do talk about all the problems but Isometimes I don't know if I am being too much because it is very hard for me to be relaxed in general. We do disagree a lot in how to raise kids and I am free biokids so that makes me look like I have no idea on that matter...
About the diaper there is not much to say. 7years old refuses to use the toilet, me bringing out the problem and trying to solve just made her hold it and be miserable and me and my partner have fights because I am being too pushy. I had lots of drama because of it, my partner takes my worry as if I am somehow againts her or I have any kind of selfish interest on this, but I am trylly worried that's it. I gave up as sisters say that BM does nothing about it and my partner resents me so I am not getting involved. Just hoping for this to be solved with therapy, if not I know I tried my best at least from my powerless position.
Why is the 12 year old the
Why is the 12 year old the queen who gets the bedroom to herself at Dad's? I'd replace the bed with a bunk and a twin and they can share. They share at Mom's, they can share at Dad's. There is no way a diaper wearing child is sleeping on my couch. They are sleeping in a bed with a waterproof mattress cover.
As to the 7 year old in diapers (or is it a pull-up) - does she wear them all the time (including school) or just at Dad's? Here the school would be requesting a medical reason for a seven year old coming in a diaper/pullup as they would need to change during the day and that would not be done in a student bathroom. If it's just at home there is a parent problem.
Room is too small for another
Room is too small for another bed and we can't afford a 3 bedroom house, the others 2 little get on well and like to be together. But I do agree that she is getting used to being a queen here and that is what bothers me.
Thanks for saying about the sofa because I felt a bit guilty commenting that to my partner. They sleep in a double blow bed now, no sleep times no sleeping on my bedroom. She manages to not go to the toilet at school but one day she might have an accident and that is going to be very bad. School know and they said she will go to therapy but they didn't seem very concerned which surprised me a lot because for me it was a big deal. Not sure why this came out, my post was about smth else. I guess someone went to my old post and saw that one..
I said my partner that I feel rejected by her eldest. He said she might reject me because I am always telling her what to do. So I said that I am going tk disengaged with her and they can so them. Every time something happens I get to the conclusion that I have to focus on my own life and don't bother. If there is any bad consequences such as a very bad teenage years I am the one who can leave. But I need to recover myself and get my life back before caring so much about them...
The answer is no.
The answer is no.
None of this normal. Those kids sound like they are feral. How do you stand it? Seriously, how?
The 7 year old should be potty trained. That right there is not normal. At the very least they should be seen by a doctor and in intensive therapy, working on a solution to this issue. How old does this child have to be before something is finally done? Are there any solid, in-the-works plans for solving this problem?
The 12 year old IMO should not be left alone and should not be having unlimited access to the internet. That's a recipe for disaster. Why isn't her dad putting restrictions on it and monitoring her activity? Doesn't he know the dangers she can get herself into? Or is he just being a lazy parent?
I also don't understand how someone can have three kids and think a 2 bedroom place is acceptable. Everyone is cramped and maybe that works ok where you have effective parents with strict boundaries and rules for a smoothly-running household, but this clearly isn't the case. What happens when they all get older and need their privacy?
Your husband sounds like a terrible father, TBH. Don't have kids with him. I don't even fully understand what you're doing there to be honest.
I would put all three girls
I would put all three girls in the bedroom. If it is small, go with a bunk/trundle bed where the trundle pulls out from the lower bunk. And... the room is only used for sleeping and not for this maladjusted pre-teen to troll out in a dark cave while her brain rots from digital over stimulation.
Your DH is pathetic as a man, a father, and a mate. Keep his nose rubbed in that until he either changes or leaves with his spawn along with him.
IMHO of course.
Thanks for the replies.
Thanks for the replies.
My partner is actually a very good guy and he comprimised a lot since we are together. He is not the best dad, he is chaotic and not the most responsible person, and being ADHD doesn't help. He had no rules growing up and he is just dong the same, but there are lots of things that changed for good around the kids. We talked and he said that the eldest is coming with us these days that we are going out.
Usually there are good and bads, I though this was kind of a safe place to vent and get other points of views/ advice/ insights. But being judged about being in this relatioship or my partner being a bit insulted it feels too extreme for me. I guess I will think twice before I dare to vent here again. Thank you anyway
I will try to be nice when I comment on other people too!
That's good news about the
That's good news about the eldest - mind you, you should expect resistance when she is told she's going with you so make yourself scarce and let him deal with her.
How long has the youngest been on that waiting list? Can your doctor shake things up a bit?
I'm sorry you are not feeling
I'm sorry you are not feeling as supported as you hoped. Honestly.. it's a good thing that you see that there are some things wrong with the way your BF parents.
But.. you have to understand that even as stepparents.. we are also human beings.. and when we hear about parents that are being outright neglectful of their children's needs? (which your BF IS).. we have to point that out because a person that allows his 7 year old to be living in a diaper is not a good person... I know he may have nice qualities.. but you seem to be making a lot of excuses and allowances for him.
Bottom line.. he should be getting his 7 yo therapy and medical help to get them out of diapers. His kids need structure and bedtimes.
His kids need for him to have a place that all the kids can be in a room (can be same room.. but couch or air mattress flopping isn't acceptable really. It's not YOUR fault that you can't afford to buy a bigger place.. or rent a bigger place.. it's HIS lack of providing for his family.
I would be curious as to the sacrifices he has made though.. seems like you took on a lot with his 3 kids.. did you move in with him?? or did he move in with you.
There are a lot of red flags here with this guy... no..you should be letting him parent in your home.. but he should also actually BE parenting.. which he isn't.. so your only recourse to protect your home seems to be for YOU to say things.. which IS settingyou up to be resented by his kids.. and the bad guy.
To be honest I sacrifice my
To be honest I sacrifice my space/time when they are here but nothing else. I don't pay anything kids related; I don't cook for them; I don't nanny them unless it is unavoidable like a big job for a few hours (never often); I don't do mum's jobs. I do have the freedom to go out and see friends or do whatever I want when they are around. All these are boundaries I set for me.
We rent a house, we moved here together. We are having financial problems right now, struggling. The house is great but not ideal without an extra room. Everybody prefers to sleep in the living room that is why I don't see this as a big problem or a trauma for them. I do disagree with his parenting style a lot and that is out main issue.we would love to have a bigger house, why wouldn't ? I did told him that after this house we have to move to a 3 bedroom house because this is too much for me and I said that he will pay the extra money for it.
That is why I don't think I am making excuses or lying to myself. I spoke about a situacion that I think is wrong and everybody agrees. The other subject about the diapers wasn't here and I am surprised someone took the time and check my others posts. I agree that is really bad and I got very frustrated and angry about it. There is not much I can do. He and BM are doing it wrong and in the end they and their family will pay the consequences.
He doesn't know how to do it. I think that's it.
Anyway thanks for the perspectives here. I am done justifying myself hahaha
The problem is that if you
The problem is that if you consider him your family.. his kid's problems do become your problems.
I get that the kids may seem fine crashing in the living room.. but he is failing to provide for them.
I understand that you aren't being asked to do much for them.. but they are still a factor in your life.. how could they not be with 3 young kids in a too small space.
People usually check past posts.. especially because it can give context to the current question.
Sometimes an issue may, in itself, not seem like a huge deal... but when you look at the back story.. and the way he handles his kids in general... the other things start to come more into focus.
Not knowing what to do is not necessarily an excuse. He can ask the child's pediatrician.. he can research articles on the internet.. he can seek out therapy routes.. he can buy parenting books.. he can probably find parenting classes.
The fact that the child has been able to make it through school.. means they CAN do it at home.. and perhaps better monitoring and oversight by dad and mom could make this work... sure.. it could be a lot of crying and tears in the short term... but ultimately.. this child needs to be out of diapers unless there is a MEDICAL reason why they can't go without them. You know it's not normal...
To your more recent question.. your ideas are not too harsh.. but in steplife.. you have to understand you cannot care more than the parents.. and that correction without connection often breeds resentment. Ideally your partner would want to improve as a parent.. and be a better father than he is right now... the fact that he doesn't.. it is just a bit baffling.. and honestly.. would hard to respect a person who had kids and then was fine not raising them appropriately.. borderline neglectfully. Again.. I'm sure he is sweet to you.. and it's great he isn't pushing parenting on you.. but there is a crack ton of drama coming down the road if he keeps up this pace of parenting.. and the kids failures WILL negatively impact your future if you stay with him. and do you want kids of your own one day? he can't support the ones he made hardly.. where would the room for your kids be?
I understand and I 100% agree
I understand and I 100% agree in the diapers problem. As I said we had maaaaany arguments about it that is why I gave up. A part of my that I am not proud of it is kind of waiting for a professional to tell then off and for them to take responsibility. After lots of suffering I decided to stay away and protect my mental health. I don't see this issue reason to break up a relationship but for me to learn that yes I can't care more than they do and step away.
I don't want to have kids. If there is a big negative impact of things I've been warning about and kinda ignored, then I will leave because I know my limits. I am a free person thank goodness and I am not going throw another traumatic teens (I did that with my own family).
I see it more than "avoiding conflict" than neglecting. I know where you are coming from and I said that word with him few times which didn't end up in a friendly conversation...
Just a minute
Did he accuse YOU of neglecting HIS kids? Seriously? These children have two parents and you are not one of them.
Part of the point of disengaging is for the actual parent to step up and actually parent their children. You are simply stepping back so he can take better care of his daughters without your "interference".
Sorry I wasn't clear enough.
Sorry I wasn't clear enough. I meant that I said that their behaviour with the 7y old could be seen as neglecting and he didn't take it well. He never said that to me, it is not my job and that is clear.
Room is too small. They like sleeping in the living room bc the tv is there. And I live my room to be my sanctuary, the only space where I can get some peace. Eldest one actually sleeps on the living room by choise in their mum's bc she doesn't want to be with the sisters.
Thanks for the help:)
I’m sorry you felt I was
I’m sorry you felt I was “snooping” by going back and reading your previous post, I did that so I could get a better view of the issues you were presenting. I understand when you are living in chaos with people that thrive in chaos they will do everything they can to bring you to their level. The fact that you are on here questioning the chaos means even you know there is something wrong. Your SO can be an amazing person in life, it does not mean that he is an amazing parent or even capable of being an amazing partner to you.
I often look at previous
I often look at previous posts, and it's to see where the poster is coming from. Sometimes people will read a single paragraph and from that, call the stepparent the most dreaded word on this site: "selfish." But if you read back, you see the years of BS they have put up with and it's like, "Oh, now i get it."
Would it be possible to
Would it be possible to switch rooms? Or would your bed not fit into the smaller room?
Just a thought ...