Being apart of the same “mom” circle
Hey Everyone!
First, I wanted to say a big thank you for the support when I used to be on this website FREQUENTLY. There used to be some serious struggles where I didn't know if I could make it through. So thank you!
I know this isn't really the biggest problem, but I do appreciate anyone who reads this.
BM moved into the same town as my SO and myself. My two stepsons lived with us all week and weekends went tk her house. Now, she lives two minutes away. The boys are able to go to our place by bike and it's kinda nice. She stopped driving over here so much bc now they can just come here on their own.
But now I'm moving into new territory. The boys have this great group of friends and majority of the parents in the group are fantastic. We're very lucky. However, they're so great that one has decided to have a moms night out tonight. (Now here is where the petty kicks in.) They invited BM to come as well. I'm not super close with anyone in particular, but I'm just so annoyed she's coming too. I get it, we have the title moms night out. And actually I should be the one staying home. But I hate being in the same room has her, never mind the same table. However, I want to be social and I want these parents to know I'm just as involved, if not more.
This leads me to my wishful thinking - I wish I had my own kids and there was no other person. That I didn't have a third person to parent with ( who's a friggin idiot most of the time). I want it to be that I'm mom. Not her.
But im going to this thing tonight, im going to bite the inside of my cheek, and im going to deal with the fact that she moved into our space. Where for a fleeting year I was the only mom figure in the boys life 5 days a week.
- mthomas27's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Sit back, nurse your drink,
Sit back, nurse your drink, and let her hang herself. You said she is an idiot so let that shine. This is an opportunity for those mom's to compare the two of you. If you think that won't happen you're fooling yourself, human nature says differently. What do you want the other moms to walk away with after the night is over? Be that person.
If BM gets drunk and starts in on you, try to shut her down but if she continues bare her dumba$$ as Rags would say.
Do you have one ally in the group you can sit next to?
Thank you!!
A few of my friends at work today said the same thing. I'm gonna go but make the excuse that I'm crazy busy with work and can only stay for an hour or so.
I really appreciate this, bc it is taking all the strength I have to do this. I met a couple of them last year when she wasn't fully around yet. So it sucks that they invited her too. But I can understand why.
Lots of thing about
SP ing sucks. This is just another one
Remember to be a polite
Remember to be a polite stranger when you're out and she's there. Be warm to the people you like, treat her like you'd treat the person in front of you in a super long line. Not friendly, not mean, just tepid. Polite stranger.
You’ll have to give us an
You’ll have to give us an update if BM actually showed up.
I plan on it!
Oh I definitely will. If I don't chicken out. But I'm such a competitive person that I don't see any other way. I need to show my face and they can see how I'm the normal one.
You are braver than me! I
You are braver than me! I would gracefully bow out. Are these people you'd be intersted in having a friendship with anyway? I would be weary of "the group" inviting both you and BM for entertainment purposes only. Just the cynic side of me, but I could be wrong!
You are brave for sure. No
You are brave for sure. No way would I be going.
Just because you are part of
Just because you are part of a loose knit social circle.. it does not mean you have to participate in every thing they do.
You say you are not particularly close to any of them..
You say that BM has been invited.. so as the actualy MOTHER .. she is likely to be a bit frosted that you are wanting to be included because she doesn't view you as her children's mother...
I mean.. I get it.. you have done a lot for the boys.. you have enjoyed the "mom role" when you could.. but that is literally the kind of feeling that a BM is going to rankle at... you aren't just being nice and helping with her kids.. you want her role.. and actually resent her doing it. THAT is going to be hard for a BM to just accept.
The fact that this group invited both of you when they had to know that there would be SOME drama associated with it means one of three things IMHO.
1. They assume you and she are of that weirdo rare breed of steplife where everyone just gets along swimingly.. you and BM go get mani pedis together all the time.. lol. but if they truly knew either of you.. they would know this isn't the case wouldn't they..
2. They don't care for you much and now that the "real mom" is there.. they are including her and not considering the "stepmom".
3. They know full well that this will be deliciously dramatic.. and they are looking for their housewives of steplife moment.
None of those are great.. in each category. it calls out that you just aren't that close to any of them.. so your absence would not be the wrong thing to provide.
No way in 10 circles of hell would you find me out partying with my DH's ex.
And.. you know.. I get it.. you wish you did have kids of your own.. so this role wasn't so transitory.. I don't know if that is an option for you or not. My DH and I met when I was in my mid-late 30's.. and by the time we would have tried more than just random ignoring BC.. it really was at the point where a kid was not a good idea for a variety of reasons.. lifestyle.. age.. cost.. etc.. and I have enjoyed helping to raise my 2 SD's.. but underneath it all.. they are not my kids.. and we all do accept that.
I would absolutely not go to
I would absolutely not go to that. But I haven't had a neutral or positive interaction with BM in 14 years.
It's crazy to me that your BM would even want to go; do people know she only has her kids on the weekends? I'd be embarrassed to show my face if I were hers. But anyway, I've found the way around these situations is to be the initiator, if you plan the outing and invite people, then you can leave BM out. It's the only solution if she won't take the hint that she's not really welcome.
I am not 100% sure.. but I
I am not 100% sure.. but I think at one point in a prior post it said BM had moved away with 2 of the kids.. and one stayed.. and this post I wasn't sure if the weekend visitation was when BM was further.. but now that she is closer the kids might be more 50/50 fluid?
You are correct
Yea, for a while it just one. But then one of the two wanted to live with us instead. So we had both full time h til this last summer. Then she moved back and into a home that's 2 minutes from us, right near the school and where all of the friends live.
You arent the mother and
You arent the mother and shouldnt participate into extracurriculars for mothers of kids that arent your own....Sorry I know this is hard to hear but you arent their mother and if you want to be THE MOM you can have your own kids or maybe adopt or get some pets. The fact is your steps will never care about you or love you and any energy you put in is just a waste of your own personal time. Let the parents go to these night outs for parents while you sit back and relax
Believe me you are truly wasting your energy going out with mothers and exes of children who wont even like you or thank you for your work in return. On top of that, its humiliating to sit there in front of your ex in a group of mothers....dont ridicule yourself for the sake of children who dont care about you
I do think that it may be a
I do think that it may be a touch harsh to say that the kids don't care about you... they may well like her.. or even love her..
BUT.. absolutely. she is not their mother.. if it was a choose one to live and one to die decision.. Step mom is going in the volcano
If we are no longer married to our spouse? that relationship with the kids can and often does completely cease.. even for women that have been in their skid's lives long term. that can be very hurtful of course.. but understanding that a step parent/step child relationship is generally conditional upon the relationship with another person..
I mean.. I have a great relationship with my adult SDs.. but if my SO and I split.. perhaps the youngest and I would keep in touch a bit.. but over time.. that could def fade.. especially if I ended up in a new relationship.. because why would my new partner want ties to an ex? I mean.. especially with the youngest.. I would hope we could keep in touch.. I have known her for 20 years and she is a wonderful young woman.. but even then.. she HAS a mother.. I'm not it.
I know it sounds harsh but I
I know it sounds harsh but I think that very rarely stepchildren will care or even make an effort to give a place to a stepparent in their hearts/minds (especially a woman for some reason, stepdads are lauded as the lifesavers for doing barely anything while stepmothers are seen as evil and trying to replace the mother in every action they do for the child)
I say this as someone who has cleaned my SSs diarrhea, bathed them frequently and took care of them, yet when all is said and done, they cant even tell you where I am from, my bday or any info about what I like and actually despise me with a passion now that they are teens. It doesnt matter what you do for them, you will always be a nobody and any time/energy spent is a waste of your life and resources....We do things by moral obligation and out of the goodness of our hearts, but it doesnt change anything....All these children grow up to hate or ignore you because you are a nobody in their life...Like you said, we do all these things out of love for our SOs and yet we dont find any fulfillment in them
My steps dont give me their phone numbers and the ones who have seem to have blocked me. Its funny because I never text them or call them unless their dad is trying to reach out and cant get a hold of them, I may text "your father is trying to call you, please call him back" or "I will be at the pick up location at 6pm because your dad cant drive due to his medical procedure"....I never get any responses. The older ones dont text me to wish happy holidays or happy bday or anything and I am ok with that. They are inexistent in my world except for the inconveniences that they bring to my life...
Not Harsh at All
I can relate to your experience. Alllllllll of my love, time, sacrifice, money, attention, and encouragement to exSS23 earned me being called the C-word (I blogged about this recently) by him via text. In ALL CAPS no less, with a flip-off emojee.
He's just like his BM.
OP, wanted to see if you have
OP, wanted to see if you have an update on how this went for you?
One thing you must remember
As a SP, especially with a BM living that close. You will never enjoy the mother thing. BM will get all the glory, she doesn't have to do anything she still the mother. You must get it out of your head that you are going to mean anything. To SD.
Just another thing nobody tells you going into SP. You should insist on a bio child,
I think "know your audience"
I think "know your audience" really applies here too. You will be walking into a room of biomoms that more than likely have the same stereotypes we complain about on here. The whole "stay in your lane" and "don't replace the mom" will be playing in their heads. I know you're determined to come off as "the normal one" but by default they already have an allegiance to BM simply because they are "moms" too.
Yep.the bias will be that you
Yep.the bias will be that you are the one overstepping your role here.
and.. nothing ever comes from trying to show up someone.. it's really tough to ever come out of that without mud on you.
Please excuse my being late
Please excuse my being late to this thread.
Now.... time for some fun.
Make sure you go to these Mom outings fresh, radiant, and confident. Be engaging with the ladies. Be classy. This will do a couple of things. First, BM will in all liklihood "run" for a dark corner (proverbially anyway) like a roach that scurries into a crack when a light is thrown in in a roach filled room. Let her brood while you engage in a mature and intelligent manner. It will also engage the other ladies proactively rather than allowing BM to start any crap trying to undermine you with the group.
It will also synch you into the mutual support and interface dynamic.
Be radiant, be engaging, be confident. BM will do what BM does. Whatever that may be. Likely, it will not be flattering to what the ladies see of her.
Have fun.
We need an update on this one
We need an update on this one!