Venting!!
SD (18) and her selective laziness is driving me freaking nuts! How do you all talk to DHs that actually produces solutions and not fights? I think a lot of this stuff I have to let go. But jeeeeezz I'm mad
SD isn't a horror story SK like some of the jewels on this site. But man I can't stand her most of the time.
She had a package delivered this week and did not break down the box and recycle it. She just left it out for someone else to clean up her mess. I know it's petty but I took the box and put it in front of her bedroom door. This morning I found it back in the kitchen. I'm fuming!!
All last week she left the garage door open because she was too lazy to buy a new battery for her remote door opener. Again fuming!!! To DH credit, he told her that this is not okay and she corrected her behavior. However, she waited for him to return from a business trip so that he would go buy the battery and replace it for her.. holy hell!!! Really?!
She has a friend in town and the two of them tracked in road salt dust all over the floor. Shoe prints from the door to her room! I spent a good 20 minutes mopping it. I would have left for her or DH to clean but didn't want the pets ingesting it from paw licking. Talking to DH today, if it happens again she will find a mop in front of her door.
she is great with school work, keeping her room and bath tidy, but acts like a hotel guest when it comes to basic things that support the family... putting dishes away... nope, taking the garbage cans out or back in... nope!, taking garbage out even if it is totally full... nope!
Thank you for listening.... there are so many more little things. It feels like death by paper cut. Seriously which little hill should I die on?!
Don't die on any of these hills
She's 18, in school full time? Does she live with you full time? What's the exit plan?
I agree all these things are annoying but I'd classify them as ignorance rather than willful crime. Does she have regular, specified chores, like taking the trash out every x, or vacuuming every y?
If she's doing well in school, behaving herself and keeping her room tidy, I'd say shes doing ok for an 18yo. I'm guessing she just doesn't yet understand housekeeping, like the package bteakdown, or tracking in road salt. I probably wouldnt at that age. Maybe each time try to explain why this type of thing should be done a certain way (if you can put it in an instructive way rather than seeing it as willful. Lol).
Hang in there, SoCalGal, at 18, the end is in sight and as you say, it could be worse. Good luck.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your perspective! I really do appreciate it. I probably have electric fences for boundaries at this point because she's been a pain in the ass since she was a young girl. Demanding, selfish... been indulged by both parents. His other kids I absolutely love and get along with really well. For some reason this one just drives me crazy.
She does live with us full time. DH has a problem setting expectations for chores. I put up a chart in the common area to spread the chores across all the kids. Really easy ones too. It was ignored by her and unenforceed by DH so now my kids are the only ones that do regular chores. So that drives me a little nuts.
She does sound like a pain
I'm guessing she's a senior. Will she be going away to school?
My SD62 was a pain, too. Any chores were done only sporadically and with the attitude she was being unfairly persecuted by me. My DH could hardly discipline her, she was "so sensitive", you know. Every once in awhile he would explode but nothing consistent.
She is off to college at the
She is off to college at the end of the year which will be nice to have some space and not have the house revolve around her.
I think you're right and I probably need to lighten up a bit.... or just drink more wine.. So much of this is normal teenage behavior and my kids are guilty of being little turds as well. I think the rub is that I can call them out on it, but SDs is untouchable. Irritating...
Talked with my husband about the salt tracks and he actually handled it well, and SD and friend were more mindful about shoes off.
Thank you again for the perspective. Probably saved me an unnneded argument with DH.
Stop playing her games and
Stop playing her games and start calling DH immediately and have him climb her ass to have her deal with it... immediately. If he refuses, then go wicked stepmom all up in her ass. Start piling her shit on her bed, if she does not deal with it, take her door and her bed. Keep inducing an escalating state of misery. Make sure your partner feels the misery of his failed family progeny's crap as well and keep the heat on them both until it is corrected with zero deviations.
Good luck.
There are big boxes of wine
After the second glass you don't know what you are drinking. DH is a lazy parent, Doing nothing is easily then actually parenting. This doesn't make DH mad He just in his happy world in his head.
This is YOUR house that you
This is YOUR house that you pay bills in.
That 18yo is an adult and if I were you, I would sit everyone down and explain the new rules that will be implemented. If SD gives any pushback then she can leave. Period!
Your husband is enabling the behavior at the demise of your happiness in your own home which will start to affect your marriage.
Who cares if she causes an uproar. Most people don't like change even if said change is better for them and will resist at first. If she doesn't cooperate/ doesn't like your rules she can make her own living accommodations with her rules.
I'm curious.. does she refuse
I'm curious.. does she refuse a request? or is she just "willfully blind" to the need to do something.. and perhaps has been infantalized by her parents.. so things like waiting for him to replace the battery.. because it's "his house and his job to buy her the batteries to put in the remote to open and close the door he owns at that house".
Those things were pretty minor... imho.. if you wanted the box broken down.. you see her.. hand her the box.. and say.. can you please break down the box and put it with the recycling? THEN if she refuses.. you advise her dad?
The tracking.. if she was still there.. did you knock and say. "oooh girls.. you tracked some salt in.. can you wipe it up now before the dogs get into it please?
Same with other "messes" she leaves around.. does she have a blind eye to them.. and is lazy..or would she do them if reminded and directed? or is she hostile to you if asked (in which case that is a hill I would die on).
At her age.. it sounds like she will become less of a day to day aggravation.. and when she lives on her own.. or with others.. perhaps peer pressure will get her more aware of these things.
But.. "silently" wanting her to read your mind about things.. that's usually not particularly effective.. some people will need road maps..haha.
I believe its willful. She's
I believe its willful. She's had a strong aversion to chores that don't directly benefit her since she was young and Mom & Dad never parented her through it. So things like putting clean dishes away, pet messes, breaking down boxes, sweeping, holiday cleanup... anything outside of her room and bathroom she will not touch. DH thinks she's such an amazing human that he lets these things slide.
I don't know if I lost my backbone somewhere or if I just gave up because DH is a total ass when it comes to SD. We have huge fights when he feels that he or SD is the target of any kind of criticism from me. I don't ask her to do anything because she's sensitive and runs to DH when her feelings get bruised. So I ask him to tell her, which sometimes works and other times not.
I keep thinking it's only a few months before she is out of the house, but then what? What if she procreates and DH the same way but x 1000...
So, make chores benefit her.
So, make chores benefit her. She does them and she is allowed to access the home for another hour, or... she does not do them and she is out on her ass.
Keep it simple.
A burning platform that requires performance or delivers abject misery works. It got my SS-31 to launch. He could have gone to Unversity anywhere on the planet he wanted to (upon acceptance). He did let us know that he was not ready to focus and that it would be a waste of our money and his time. He could have stayed in the family home as a student or full time worker (or part time for both) but he was not going to be tolerated to stay as a sofa rodeo rider.
So, we worked that kid's ass off. M-F full time chore beck and call boy... or.. the curb the next AM after failing to complete the chore list. Internet and cable were shut off every AM when his mom and I left for work. His life was cleaning, scrubbing, washing, folding, painting, dusting, etc, etc, etc... then he prepped and cooked the evening meal and any weekend meals we had at home, then he cleaned the kitchen, dishes, etc.... 4.5mos later he enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program. He remained out beck and call chore boy for 4 more months until he reported for USAF Basic.
He has been pursuing his USAF career for 13yrs and is 7yrs from being able to retire with full pension and medical paid eveyr day for the rest of his life.
Parents who fail to parent then cater to sofa leeches who are 18+ are the problem IMHO. Their idiot spawn, are the infection they create and infect the world with.
Re-key the locks and purge your life of both of them. Why would you continue to pollute your life with eiter one of them, much less both of them?
Take care of you.
As for her procreating, as an adult, that is on her. Not your spawn, not your GSkid, not your problem. Do not let your failed man, failed father, and failed partner of a DH make any of his STB adult baggage your problem. You have let him and his baggage be your problem for ar too long Stop that.
IMHO of course.
We learned that the most
We learned that the most effective way to deal with teens and chores, is to make them walk you through each chore after they think it is complete. They keep doing it until it is completed to your satisfaction. Then.. they get the next one. The longer it takes them, the deeper hole they did for themselves.
The lesson is do it now, do it right, and get your time back to use as you wish. Screw up the chores and .. you do nothing but chores and have no time you get to determine what to do with for yourself. Screw around when you are supposed to be working, then work when you are supposed to be having fun.
Keep it simple.
They change
My SD62 was the unwilling "victim" of mean ole me, wicked SM. Her job was vacuuming which she tried to avoid, did in a slipshod manner, complaining nonstop. Her room was clutter heaven with the junk stacked so high in her closet that when she moved out, I found cat poo which had never stunk cuz it never hit the air.
For all her MANY faults, she is now a meticulous housekeeper, exceptionally clean. DH sometimes "hires" (overpays) her to clean here and she does the floors on her hands and knees and worries that the vacuum doesn't make apparent enough stripes, a non-topic on my radar screen.
So, you may find that your SD makes much different housekeeping decisions once she matures.