I guess it's tough sometimes.  Balancing our time with our commitments.. what we want to do.. what we need to do.. what time we have available.

I will fully admit that once I left home and entered into my late 20's.. I really didn't see my parents all that often.  I did usually maintain fairly good contact by phone.. but even though they only lived a few hours away.. it was normally just a quick visit at the holidays.  I was busy.. in grad school.. working.. having a social life etc...  It's not that I didn't care about my parents.. but it is hard to balance things. 

When I met my husband, things got even more difficult because then we had to balance his visitation obligations.. and time with his own family with time with mine. 

Do you think that possibly his daughter is just really busy?  Does she have a full time job.. and also has a child that has time obligations as well? maybe clubs or other appointments.  And.. then she has a husband who also has a family that they probably need to balance time with.. and in the end.. they are probably fighting to have even a little time to enjoy themselves as a couple and a family. 

I know that doesn't "fix" the problem.. but maybe makes you see how it might not be as much personal as she is just triaging her available time.

But... how do you deal with it?  I think you both need to be more proactive and make an effort to "go to her".  Find out about your granddaughter's schedule and see if you can go see her when she is doing some activity she has scheduled. Or.. even offer to take her for an evening so her parents can go out on a date?  I know in a perfect world that the daughter would make more of an effort for her dad and you since you helped in the past.. but it sounds like her daughter may require more work than typical kids do.. and that may mean she just isn't able to spread herself all that thinly.

Sadly, you cannot force your husband's daughter to care more or be more present in your life. She is a mature adult, has all the leverage, and if she doesn't want a closer relationship with her father or you, that's that

Perhaps she doesn't have a deep emotional bond with her father or lacked the coping skills to deal with him choosing a new partner, which is all too common in divorced families. Often, fathers allow themselves to be marginalized or choose to absent themselves as their marriage deteriorates. If the BM is bitter or hateful or an alienator, the skid will often adopt their mother's attitudes towards their father.  He is reduced to a walking ATM, a resource to be tapped but not much more.

If dysfunction is present before the arrival of grandkids, it usually ramps up afterwards, as seems to be the case with your H's daughter. No doubt she recognizes the power she holds over you both, and has made the decision to hurt you by excluding you. She is toying with your emotions, and probably enjoying it. And unfortunately, she will teach her child to dislike you, too.

The harsh truth is, these are not your people. They aren't family, and they never will care about you the way you have cared for them. So stop chasing them. Stop offering yourself up to be hurt. Accept that you have no control over this, let go, and focus on the positives in your life.

I have adult skids who only call my DH when they want something. It is typical selfish, adult step behavior. Unfortunately, you and your DH have been hurt because of it. 

For my DH's adult brood, lately their game is to not call DH on his birthday, XMas, Thanksgiving. What they are doing is alienating themselves and the gskids from him. They do this because they are not happy with DH that he isn't revolving his life around them and the gskids. They used him for so long.

I'd recommend doing things you and your DH enjoyed before the gskids came along. Come up with your own traditions. Take trips together. Don't let selfish SD ruin your fun.

Good luck.

Weddings), but my sd(22), ss(20) & sd(13) only contact their dad when they need favours or to guilt him into continue child support payments when they’re adults or ask for money. He works in a bank and is their ATM!!

hubby knew it but just didn’t want to accept the fact his 3 kids with ex do not love, care or resprct him. He worked hard building up his career so they wouldn’t struggle hard and could easily go to college but his fault was in marrying their mum and having 3 kids with her. She neglected them, never nurtured themand abused him, verbally, mentally, emotionally And financially. He was her get rich quick scheme where she thought yeah i’d not have to do anything and just be shopping all day.

hubby never had a partner or support from her ever. That is all his kids see and know. They accuse hubby of things he has never done that bm accuses and then guilt hubby that say eldes sd and bm are financially handling expenses for the younger sd13 so dad needs to not forget about paying eldest. Bm gets money every month and more than what courts dictated as basic minimum purely because he earns alot, what hubby pays covers the bare necessities and more but they make it like they’re financially struggling yet next thing we hear they’re going on holidays here and there overseas and that their stepuncle paid for everything... hmmmm very rare to have that generous of a stepuncle covering airfares for 3 adults and extra costs.

this is the only behaviours sk know as normal, guilting and manipulating hubby and for good measure go over the top buying pressies for my kids with their dad yet never ask about them or come to visit. Its just a show they put on.

over time I questioned hubby, sd even got to slight mini wife syndrome actually believing she could feed my 2 yr old chocolates, untie her hair beautifully styled at a cousins engagement just so she could mess up her hair then decide she could do whatever

i got to critical nasty wife mode with hubby and told him why go the extra mile for these self centred selfish brats, they do not care about you, i asked him if he didn’t message them for a week, do you think they would bother to check on you? Answer was of course not. Hubby admitted if i divorced him that his 3 kids with ex would never take care of him in old age, they’d abandon him 100% and come for their inheritance cheque once he dies and put on fake cries at his funeral.

i had to put things in perspective for him this way so he could see that him alienating me and tossing me to the side and allowing his kids to treat us and our kids the way they do and make excuses and to justify their unacceptable behaviour was pushing me away when i want to be there for him but he needs to support us and not allow this behaviour and his kids withex or the exwife interfere with our home life and marriage. 

The way his kids are now in comparisons to our 2 kids aged 3 & 1.5 is actually pushing hubby to not wanna be present at either of their weddings for show. I think hubby would rather play golf than go to one of his kids weddings, thats how much anger and hatred and disappointment hubby has for his kids. 

Stepkids actions and behaviors alone alienate people from happily and genuinely wanting to spend time with them and their kids but they somehow find ways to spin it another way around. Its often a lose-lose situation

I'm sorry.   It can be a hurtful situation getting attached to step grandchildren. 

Since SD has set a transactional model for her interface with you and her father, respond with a transactional reponse.  No help until she gets her ass in the car and brings GSKid for a visit.

Lather.... rinse... repeat. Since she only engages when she needs something, only support her when she delivers to your expecations.

Keep it stupid simple.  KISS. That is all that toxic idiots understand. 

Speak their language, and beat them at their own game.

Take care of you.

to be more involved in your g-daughter's life and the Stepdaughter is blocking this.  Have you come right out and asked her if there's something wrong?  DH should be the one to do that. I'm sorry you're going through this. My own daughter can be this way with me. She's very passive agressive and instead of talking with me about whatever is bothering her, I get **crickets**.  It's spiteful and immature but I'm beginning to step back from her because her aloofness with me can be very hurtful.

I wish you luck!

Passive aggressivism is an insidious, effective tool utilized by SDs especially. Because it's not overt, it's more difficult to "prove" for lack of a better word. The SM can usually see right through it, but the DH is oblivious. Quite an effective tool.