I am desperate
So... I don't really know where to start with this big problem. My SD is 7 years old ans she REFUSES to use the toilert. She uses nappies (no, I am SADLY not joking). I don't really know how this got to this point. It seems like when it was the proper age to start using the toilet she put some resistance and BM was going through a mental breakdown - psicosis which we think it affected her. Then my SO and BM separated and somehow this problem kept going.
This has been causing fights ans tensions between my partner and me. Whener I talk about it he was defensive and feeling like I was accusing him of being a bad dad. The thing is that kids don't live with us but when they come -holiday and weekend every forth night- my partner tried to make her use the toilet which is just imposible as she refuses. She refuses to talk about it, she doesn't answer ro us when we ask her why and try to explain etc...
This is obviously affecting all her life to the point that all her choises and moods depend on this problem. We are very worried as it happened already few weekends where she refuses to pee for 2 days straight so her dad don't tell het to go to the toiler or this last one because ehr cousing stayed with us and she wanted to hide that she uses nappies. We also tried the obvious "don't put her a nappy" but then she would hold it for as long as she can and then will pee on the floor which happened already few times. Nappies are also too small and someone the peer will go through and make a mess.
Her sisters -SK12 & SK9- always say that their mum neevr tried to make her use the toilet which makes me VERY ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED. Finally we got the school to give her therapy for around 2/3 months they said, which is starting now. The thing is that I am very worried and stressed about this, very angry at BM for not even trying and I feel rejection for SK7 for how difficult she is making things. I know she is probably justa victims of her parents or maybe she is got a disability -I think she might be autistic?. But I am just desperate tbh... I feel like whenever I say something my partner gets defensive, I feel like I can't do anything to solve this and I feel like BM is not even trying.
i am really wrried this is going to create this girl a disablity, health problem (specially when she holds it) and social developement problem too as she is not able to stay with anyone that is not mum or dad. I believe this might be a trauma response, like somehow unconsciously she holds into that baby thing so she keeps depending on her parents. She is also very clever and have some things that make me think she might be autistic like some fixations and behaviours.
I just writing this here in hope someone can give me some light. Today I feel very hopeless about the therapy she is going to start soon as she refuses to talk about it or listen and I am realy worried about her health as she has been refusing to pee for way to long even tho we asked her to do it even in the shower. Right now I came to my room and told my SO that I needed some time to calm down after all the drama with this situation because I don't even feel capable of being around her, I know she is justa kid with a bog problem but I feel angry at her for not even trying and this is causing me suffering.
Wow....
I would not be able to live like this, particularly since there is no end in sight.
Also, I am surprised she is allowed to go to school. In the US, children must be fully potty trained in order to attend PREschool, much less kindergarten and 1st grade (unless of course there is a DOCUMENTED disability). I guess things are softer in UK? Does the school not push back on that? Does she change her own diaper?
She doesn't do her stuff at
She doesn't do her stuff at the school. It is crazy how trained she is to hold it which worries me a lot about the health problems this can cause in the long ran.
I told my partner that she should start changing herself so at least she wipes herself which is appropriate for her age, he did follow my advice and then she started peeing herself till the point nappy couldn't hold it so he started changing her nappy and I guess now he just kept doing it. I don't think she is willing to do it herself. I did asked her to wipe herself and she ignored me. BM doesn't seem to try anything or at least that is what her sisters tell me when we try and she gets upset. Sometimes she said she wanted to go back home with her mum bc she knows mum won't try to make her use the toilet.
I can live with this because she is not with us full time, otherwise I wouldn't be able tbh. It's already ruining many weekends with the kids
What does SD's doctor say?
What does SD's doctor say?
If it hasn't happened already
If it hasn't happened already, I would see if your husband can get a meeting set up with the therapist (and have you attend too). I think that the adults involved need an understanding of what is going on for sd, the strategy that the therapist is taking and advise on how to support sd with that at home.
Without support from the adults (parents and teachers) in her life adopting the same strategy in supporting her sd will struggle tremendously to solve this for herself.
Are social services involved at all? Has her doctor been helpful?
This does sound highly stressful, and it sounds like your husband has also been taking a back seat in this letting BM handicap this child by her negligence.
If it is all too much for you no one would blame you if you took some breaks and made plans to be elsewhere on the weekends sd is with your husband. The main support for sd needs to be her bio parents and if they can't/won't help her then I would think social services needs to get involved.
She needs to be checked for a
She needs to be checked for a physical problem. Most kids would not choose to live this way vs being "normal" especially if they go to school. I also have serious questions about what happens at school. I hate to think this poor girl is physically incapable of continence at age 7 and has been suffering to get through every day. Does she just hold it all day? Does someone change her diapers? Has she been checked for signs of sexual abuse?
She has no continence
She has no continence problems as she can actually control when she does her stuff. She can hold it for unhealthy long time and she know when she need to do it and she will go to another part of the room for example or whatever she need to do it to be "safe".
I did think about the "sexual abuse" options but there is no way to know because she won't say a word about why she doesn't want to use the toilet. I haven't seen never anything that make me believe that option tho and it is not like she was using it and then she stopped. She just didn't use when she should start and then she kept refusing.
She is still in the waiting
She is still in the waiting list for the doctor, it is being way too long. I wonder if BM ignored a doctor's call. Social services is not involved and I said many times that I think they should but my partner gets defensive bc he had problems with social workers when they separated.
I do believe BM is being negligent and it makes me really angry. I don't talk to her so there is not much I could do in that sense. I think you are right and I need some breaks that I haven't been taking lately. I will try again so at least I don't go crazy with this since it seems like there is no much I can do.
Is she in the waiting list to
Is she in the waiting list to see a specialist? What does her gp say?
eta: I'm glad you're going to take some breaks. It will help your mental health I'm sure.
They said she needs to see an
They said she needs to see an specialist and then she went to a waiting list and still waiting.
Sometimes I even thought of calling social services myself but I think I shouldn't do it without my partners consent... and we are at the point where he super defensive and stressed whenever I talk about it.
SD has a serious mental problem
She must be tested for physical problems and mental problems. Someone a professional, should come up with some type of answer. DH must be proactive, getting her appointment and doing the visits You never asked for this, This is not your problem. SD. Has two parents. You are not one of them. DH should be taking care of her bathroom needs. Not you. I would not let DH dump ,,,..yes,..he's dumping his responsibility on you.. on me.
Lol dumping. ISWYDT. But the
Lol dumping. ISWYDT. But the truth is, there is something BAD wrong with SD. And in the UK, if i'm not mistaken, isn't healthcare free? I hope this girl has been getting physical and mental healthcare. This isn't just a skid refusing to do chores or being disrespectful. Nobody would choose to live this way.
ETA that doesn't mean OP os obligated to live with the consequences of either a health problem, mental problem, or parenting failure. A SM has very little power unless BM is dead or absent and DH gives her that power. You should not put up with the consequences of something you have no control over.
My partner is not dumping
My partner is not dumping responsibility, he takes her of her needs I am just worried and looking for solutions . I do talk to her but I don't do her toileting, I refuse to.
You cannot care more than the
You cannot care more than the parents. Your concern is understandable, but your hands are tied. Her biological parents are responsible for addressing any issues this child has. At least your SO is tending to his daughter's messes and not expecting you to handle anything. That includes all laundry.
But
It's sad ..very sad. for this child to go through this. With out the proper medical..mental health..treatments. School has to be HEL* for this kid. The other kids know and the teasing Get her the help she needs. You can not do anything but keep on your SO to do something. At this point anything
'I know as adults we vent on here. Venting is good. But at a point your SO must be an adult. And a adult will not let this happen. Is something happening at BM's house and she wants to keep it quiet? Hate to think of that, but she not doing anything either. IDK I just can't understand it
I agree. By age 7, she should
I agree. By age 7, she should be off the waiting list. You read the rumors about socialized medicine and waiting lists, but it can't be that bad.
I mean, can it be that bad? Being conservative, if a child does not achieve continence or toilet use by age 4, medical help would be sought. This kid is 7, so she has been on a waiting list at best over 3 years? Possibly more as most people would seek help sooner and she is probably 7 and some months?
That's right, they acted too
That's right, they acted too late. And being honest, BM hasn't move a finger to solve this problem, no looking for help or talking to proffesionals, nothing. It is just outrageous ... and blows my mind. I really hope therapy does something, at this point is the only hope.
Time to go for the public
Time to go for the public humiliation tactic. Send her to school in nothing but a diaper and a T-shirt. See how quicly she gets her actual shit together once her peers get hold of the diaper baby fact.
My SS had a similar problem at that same age. We put him in a diaper on a Friday (a holiday) and kept him in a diaper for the entire weekend. He refused to leave the house in a diaper. We gave him no choice. A couple of trips to the store, a restaurant or two, and the clear message that he was going to school on monday in a pull up and shorts that would make it clear he was wearing a diaper...... He showered before bed, came to say goodnight in normal underwear and informed his mom and I that he understood and would not fail to use the toilet appropriately again.
He never had another incident.
So, put her ass in a nappy so large that it would make the StayPuff marsmallow man proud and take her out in public with teh clear message that she fix it immediatley or... she goes to school in a super sized nappy wearing pants or shorts that make it impossible to hide.
As it turned out, my SS does have ADHD. But one thing he understood was zero tolerance and accountability. We held him accountable and he held himself accountable.
So, roll out mortifying public huliation and let her live the consequences of her choices.
If there is no medical reason, it is a choice. Make her live the consequences of her choices. If she does not learn the connection between her behavioral choices and consequences now, she is in for a miserable life and.... so is everyone else around her.
Not fair to her, or them. Holding her accountable for her choices, and facilitating her living the consequences... is fair to everyone.
IMHO.
Maybe you could try a kiddy
Maybe you could try a kiddy toilet in a different room. Is it the toilet, or the bathroom she hates? Will she take a bath or shower? This is limiting this poor girls life so much. I have a friend whose son did this with poop, just wouldn't go, got terrible impactions, but he didn't wear a diaper. This is child abuse that her parents won't help her get over it. If she can't go to the free doctor, pay for it. Poor little thing.
UPDATE as I saw lots of
UPDATE as I saw lots of people here worried trying to help
School asked to extend the therapy becasue after a few months they coulnd't get any improvemen. School agreed but therapy is finished and nothing. The good thing is that the therapist explained to my partner the strategy to follow. She also asked both parents to agree on every step and follow through but I am not sure if that will happen. My partner is following the strategy and just in a weekend there is some improvement like aproaching the toiler or sitting with the lid on. The main problem I see here: the eldest keeps saying that BM does not even try and that when she ask her to try she answers things like "I have other things to do". Yes, the things to do are putting make up on and taking pictures for social media. ANYWAY. As I said I don't get involved anymore and I ask my partner to make sure she has "gone to the toilet" before I am left alone with her as I said I won't never change her. All agreed. Let's see if mum wakes up otherwise in the end social services will be involved to be honest as she is not doing her job. fingers crossed and thank everybody for your help and advices.
Your SO has his head up his ass
This kid needs help. Now let your SO deal with his DD. I would disengage from all of this. SD Using her room as a toilet, DH Clean up the mess and replace the carpet. You just watch tv. Let them handle it. SD doesn't go anywhere with you. No amusement parks, the store, anywgere until she solves her problems. This most likely will break up your relationship.
Hey! I am not sure if you
Hey! I am not sure if you understood. My SO is actually following the therapist strategy and doing pretty well with baby steps. It is the BM the one who is not following through the therapist advice because "she had other things to do" even though she doesn't work. I just wanted to share the efforts too not just the bad. And yes of course I am disengaged!